Trouble to spend money

It’s another “I-have-trouble-to-spend-money-time”.These kind of periods appear more often in my life, but I still have trouble to deal with it. I don’t exactly know or understand where it exactly comes from. But even when I ‘need’ somehting, I have trouble to buy it or spend money on it. Except groceries like food, are going ‘okay’.

For my outdoor trip in two weeks, I need an insulating mat to sleep on. Now I have one, but, that’s a cheap ass thing that is too cold if not sleeping in a tent. I have a tent, but it’s not practical to take because it’s too big to carry on your back all day. (does this mean I need a new tent too?). We will sleep under tarps, but maybe a tent is more warm. Argh. Doubts and questions coming.

I’ve been researching on the web about sleeping mats, and learned about quality differences and types of mats.

Conclusion: to make things comfortable for myself, I need a new sleeping mat. And I should not buy a cheap ass mat, but spend a bit more money to buy a decent thing with good isolation. I don’t want to get sick of outdoor trips.

I’ve found a few things on the web. But somehow, I can’t buy it. I can’t get myself to buy this thing. I have some money. I still have a job now (but, maybe it ends in two weeks…). Is it that, why I have trouble to spend?

Rational, I know it doesnt really m atter, even if I will be out of work and out of income again, this will not mean the difference in the end. Yeah, its maybe 60 bucks, but those 60 bucks don’t make my life easier or more complicated; at some point I will run out of money anyway, and one day earlier or later, doesn’t really make a difference, does it?

Uh…did I really do that?

Last week, I did something ‘scary’. I applied for a training course abroad. I got accepted. *silence*. * doubts *. At this moment I still do not know, if my job will be extended. So far, there are 2,5 weeks to go and then it stops (or continues). But time is running fast. I didn’t do much to find another job. If my current job will be extended for me, will become clear in the next 2,5 weeks: lastminute. No certainties.

So, now I will have to take off the last day that I , as far as know now, officially, work. And go to this training course.  After that? good question. I have no idea how things will go. Admittted: I’m scared. I finally have this job and I finally earn money again.Somehow it’s a bit comforting to know you can get by. My job is nice, though demanding now, but the pay is decent (although others think not) and I get along.

I could, build a future on this job. I could rent my place with this job, if extended. I could manage, to live a life. A “normal, steady” life, as far as you can ever speak of that.

And yet I can’t, because of these uncertainties.

And now, I got accepted for this training course. A training course about pilgrimage and outdoor activities, personal development, learning and transformation. I don’t really know what to expect of it, but when I read the documents, it caught my eye, and it never left my thoughts. Anyway I will spend a week outdoors, sleeping outdoors, walking. (Can I do that? I should, but still, so many doubts)

As well to be part of a group, is challenging. Do I fit there? What if they are all pro’s , and I’m the rookie? What if, what if, so much more what ifs.

These are no reasons not to do it, I realize, and I got accepted and I applied for it myself. Fear, is a bad thing to listen to. Fear, is something you have to step towards to, and go straight through it, is the way I see it now.

So easy said, so difficult to do.

Anyway, time keeps passing, every second, every minute, every hour, no matter what I think or do. It passes. And so the days come closer.

I called in sick, and it makes me feel bad.

For a couple of days now, I’m not really well. I spend the whole weekend mostly in bed, sleeping a lot. One night, I vomitted, six or seven times, it kept me up all night. Seriously, vomitting is gross and it can make you feel so miserable. Yuck. Anyway, so far a day without vomitting, so that’s the good thing.  When I woke up this morning, I doubted to go to work or not. My tongue was all white and yellow, and it burned a bit. (Eew, sorry for the details). I never saw that before.

So first, of course, with dr. Google, but all I could find was that related to 1- coffee or alcohol (what I rarely drink) 2- Bad mouth care (I brush my teeth at least twice a day and I use mouth water) and 3 -smoking (I don’t smoke) and 4- dehydration (which is not the case). My tongue looks like a map of another planet, with deep craters. First reaction was try to brush it off, but that didn’t work.

Anyway, in the end, I decided to call in sick. I really do not want to call in sick, because it makes me feel bad about myself. But I felt myself standing shaky on my legs, and if I don’t take care of my health it could get worse. So, I called. 1- phonecall to work, to say I will not come in today.  A nice person picked up, scheduled me sick, so that went fine. 2- phonecall to the job agency to say I’m sick. I dreaded this, I never called in sick before so I didn’t know how it works exactly, and the papers that I read about the procedures make me almost faint. But, phonecall went fine. 3- After 30 minutes of doubts, I made a phonecall to the doctor, about my tongue. I said I didn’t know if it was something serious or not, explained the thing, got an appointment this morning.

So I went to the doctor. I explained, the doctor looked at my tongue. It’s probably because of my illness, it shows a low health or something, the tongue seems to be sensitive. So far no need for medication, just if its not better or gone in two days, I will have to call to get some antibacterial stuff to rinse it with.

You know, I never know when to call the doctor, and now I almost felt bad that I called for something ‘not serious’. For some people this seems to be so obvious and clear, but it is so unclear to me. And everytime I call and go and there’s nothing special, I almost feel guilty when I go to the doctor with something ‘not serious’. And now I got back, and I feel guilty that I called in sick at work. I feel like a wussy. That I should push harder. But I also have to take care of myself, right? Take care that I do not get sick. Meh. Why is this making my soul so mixed up.

All I could find

Since nowhere found today,

all I could find was my shadow.

I stepped on it.

but nothing ever happened.

If I could see what I can’t

There are colors in the world and there are colors on this road

but all I see is a grey, vague world.

Everything is numb and nothing matters in the end

I guess all I can do is wait untill

step by step by step when I

left the colors behind

and maybe, that’s where

I could find or can’t or

Maybe I could see what I can’t.

It was ‘just’ too much.

Work has been incredibly busy and exhausting the last few weeks.

There were as well a lot of system failures this week on top of that. My days were long (9 hours or more) and I come close to a 50 hour working week. Now 40 hours I think is already pretty much and it can be difficult to deal with for me. I know it’s “normal” for a lot of people, for some even more hours. But seriously, I think it is a bit too much and I can’t understand how people deal with other things at the same time while working so much. I just don’t find the energy to do all those things (visiting friends, grocery shopping, cinema, sports, living on your own/cleaning your house and doing the necessary things). I find such a hard time to do everything I would like to or need to when I work this amount of hours. It leaves me at least one day totally numb and too tired to do things. And last week I just had one day off so that wasn’t helpful.

But yesterday, it was really too much too handle. I already had trouble, I was very tired, and it just went on and on and on. I tried to push myself, just a few more hours, just one more day. But thursday I drove home, feeling so exhausted and shaky that it was not fun anymore. My head just stopped working. I came home, stepped in bed with my clothes on and went to sleep. To get up and dress and go to work again. I asked in the morning if it was possible to please be off a few hours earlier. I know it was superbusy, and I almost didn’t dare to ask, but I just had to. They didn’t give me off, but at the end of the day, when I had just 2 hours left, I knew I had to stop working. I couldn’t manage anymore. My head stopped working, and if I wouldn’t go home soon I would not be able to drive home myself anymore. So I went to tell that I had to stop working and had to go home. That was okay, but it still felt weak. Was I really the only one that dropped out? But I just couldn’t go on anymore. I need rest. Now I have a 2 days weekend off, but today I’m still kind of broken. I don’t function. I will just hang around feeling crappy the whole day.

Is this it? Is this how life is supposed to work? Is this what we are living for?

Behind the pine trees

It’s an early morning, and I wake up around 6am. You’re still asleep. I watch you for a while, but since I know I move a lot, I get out of bed, because I don’t want to wake you up.

I walk through this little house, that we have for a week. I don’t know why it was so difficult to book, because it was the best thing to do.It’s probably the spending of money. The sun shines and I open the window. A nice scent of pine trees comes inside. I take a deep breathe, and breathe in again. How lovely – the sound of the wind, the scent of the pine trees, the sun, and we are together. What could I wish for more?

Behind these pine trees, is our little place. It’s not really ours, but for now it is. I dream, that we can have a place like this in real. How nice would that be. You and me, our own little house, the trees, the sun, the sky. The animals surrounding and visiting now and then. We have breakfast together and talk. We hug.

My thoughts go back to my dark years. Years I spend mostly alone, because the only thing that I thought people would bring was hurt. There was no one to trust but yourself. No one to rely on but yourself. No one to help you, but yourself. Life was about working hard to earn little money to be able to rent a room and finish this study, who seemed to give you a bright future (that never came).

Now, my dark years seem to be mostly a part of the past (I hope). I realize that not this money or this bright future (that is not there) nor this job isn’t what I was looking for. It’s not what I need.

The lonely person, the distant person, me. Yeah, I need people around me. People who make me feel good. Who I love. Who care. Who I can talk with. With who I can sit on the couch for hours and not saying a world, and still feel good.

I found one. And that one is you, person-I-love-very-much.  And I’m sad, because we’re away from each other. I’m sad, because our worlds are so far. I’m sad, because I don’t seem to have the guts to break lose from the prison I seem to be in now.

For what? For this job? That makes me exhausted but gives me opportunities to save. But it’s just temporary. Do I love this job so much it’s more important then you? That it’s more important to be with you? SHould I leave my job and go now? Should I wait? Should I work for a bit longer and then leave? How can you know what to do?

How do people make these choices in life? They seem so impossible. So impossible.

Can’t believe its just four days

Just four days ago, I woke up next to you. Now, I wake up alone again.

Feeling empty, and nothing seems to matter anymore.

My days pass, because of this crazy busy job, but my life is empty.

This is not my place. This is not my home. This is not my world.

I don’t know exactly where it is, but I know that things are becoming so empty when you are away again. I try to stay positive, but it’s hard. I guess the depression is far away, but maybe once it caught you, it will never completely stay away. It leaves a scar that never goes. But that’s okay.

I have too much questions. Future? Job? What I should do?

But I guess I know deep inside.

It’s about taking risks. Leaving everything behind. Letting go.

I don’t know why I have to prepare myself and just can’t do and go, so it takes a lot of time.

But this emptiness, sucks. This is not how life should be. THis is not how I want life to be.

 

Brave souls

they are different, though the same,

undercover but visible

and incredibly strong, but not like fame.

 

they guess, but are always sure

and no

one ever beats them more

they run, they do not have to hide

they do not feel guilt, they don’t feel pride.

 

I, I am not like them

because I don’t shake the hands of truth.

 

It’s all or nothing.

It really seems like life is that way sometimes; or no job at all, or more work than you wish for. No job, nothing to find, no money, stuck – you have nothing, nothing happens, nothing is the main word. A job? Then it’s all. not parttime, no, fulltime. You have to run around like crazy, be there, take all, you have work, you have everything, you have money to get by.

There’s no break. No in between. No middle. You can’t work half. Live half. Get by half.
It’s all, or nothing.

Work has been incredible exhausting. Well, it still is. 48,5 hours this week. I’m tired. One day off now. Then another very busy week is coming up with long, exhausting days. It takes time for my head to stop thinking and processing information. This job is taking a lot from me (and I guess from my colleagues too). I don’t know how everyone keeps  standing, and going, but I really have a hard time .

Every weekend so far, one of the days I spend lying down and sleeping, because I was completely wrecked. Too tired. The second day it goes okay, and then the circus starts again. This week , now, I just have one day ‘weekend’. I woke up in the middle of the night (yikes, did I send that email, did I do that or not?). I had to drag myself. Work was like glue – being sticked to the carpet and trying to move. Sticky sticky sticky.

But: moving forward. Go Go Go.

I don’t know if it’s me being weak, but I have such a hard time to hang on to this. I dont get it how people can do ‘fun things’ next to a job like this. I dont feel like talking to anyone anymore, or doing anything or going anywhere – I’m simply too tired and all I think of is rest and sleep.

Is this the aftermath of the pulmonary embolism? Is this just ‘getting older’? Or am I just weak? Who shall say. All I know is that I can not manage to live a life like this for a long time.

I just can’t hold on to that.

And how

And so

many

questions

…

 

And I realize, in other parts of the world, there are people, for who 48 hours a week is nothing. Who work harder. Who live crappier. And I’m being weak and moaning about my situation. Its all about perspective. It’s all about feeling trapped and deciding.

AM I trapped? No.

Yes, at the same time.

The world is full of paradoxes.
The world is full of invisible prisons.

And yet, full of chances and choices.

My head’s spinning again, and I can’t make sense of it. Tornado alarm. But the good thing is: that means frozen. Willstayintheposition and notmakingchoices.

Ugh.