Once, when I used to be someone. Or looked like someone.
Long ago. Maybe it’s not so long ago, but it seems like ages. Long ago, I used to be functional. Work used to need me, at least, or maybe, I thought.
Long ago, I used to work very hard, more jobs, save money. Be independent, be able to help other people out sometimes. Felt a part of society. Or was it all a dream?
Long ago, people told that, if you would study hard and do your best at school, there was a future. Teachers would tell you that you could do anything you like. Truth was different.
( I was turned down for a study because I was not ‘at the wished physical level – what’s the point of learning and progressing and a chance to develop something when you don’t have a similar background – you can’t do everything you want, there are studies who require experience, even if they seem open. If you’re not on their level, you don’t get a chance, bye bye. What, people can LEARN right? But no, they don’t want to take the time to learn, they require something and if you’re not on that level, even if you are good in other things, bye bye bye. What’s the point of educating people in the exactly same things on the exact same level?)
Long ago, the world seemed to be open, and going to University was important, they said. Working for a couple of years, working crazy shifts, 3 jobs at the same time, less sleep, I saved money, to go to University. With struggles, I finished University. No, I didn’t had this stereotype students life. I didn’t go out, I didn’t party, life was rough, it was work, sleep, study and run. Then I got sick. Boom. Troubles. Delay. Things never got the same again.
Once, there seemed to be a future. My degree, seemed to have a future. There seemed to be work. And now, I just passed 30, and I feel, I’m at the end of my life here. I’m of no use in the world of the working. I don’t fit in to profiles, no matter what I try and no matter what I do. I don’t get a chance to start. Maybe, I’m not so good in profiling myself, but is that a reason to get constant refuses? Yeah, there is less work, there are more unemployed people. But why is everyone around me at work at least? I don’t know anyone being in a situation like this. Everyone gets an interview or an opportunity from time to time. What do I do wrong? Why are the rules so difficult and procedures so weird I don’t even get benefits? It’s just not fair. It’s not. What is the point of being on this world? If there doesn’t seem to be a function for you when you can earn your own money and be a bit independent?
I’m in a prison, while I’m not behind bars. My life seems beautiful to some people; I’m free, there is no boss yelling at me, no one paying me, and I still have food and a bed. Truth is different. Those things will run out. And then? I will turn in to someone, who people don’t look at anymore. Or look down on? Turn in to someone who everyone can blame: for everything I did wrong why I ended up like that.
Bad dream. Bad dream.
Or is it a bad dream coming true?