Not everything is possible

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Outside the window,
I see fog, the traffic, the sky
trees saying goodbye to their leaves
they turned from green to yellow to leafless
but there is no rain

A deep sigh, it’s my own, and I don’t even hear
Staring to the outside world,
I’m a statue on my own couch
Frozen, where silence remains

After all
Sometimes the world is just living its life
no matter if you want to be part of it
it plays its game, dead or alive.

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Airport coffee

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Airport coffee, trying to ease the pain

to refill the emtpiness inside of me,

to stop the rain.

 

And I know that soon every minute,

every second you will get further and further away.

I’m not sure if I want this, but I don’t do anything to stop this

I just let it happen, today.

The conflict with myself.
I’m watching outside of the window and stare

at the plane that’s waiting and getting ready to leave

with the boarding pass in my hand, I’m trying not to grieve

 

Airport coffee,

I wish it would fill this gap inside my heart,

I wish it would bring me close to you,

 

I wish it would

I wish it would do so many things,

 

but it doesn’t

take the emptiness inside of me away.

Brave souls

they are different, though the same,

undercover but visible

and incredibly strong, but not like fame.

 

they guess, but are always sure

and no

one ever beats them more

they run, they do not have to hide

they do not feel guilt, they don’t feel pride.

 

I, I am not like them

because I don’t shake the hands of truth.

 

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Sometimes, the world seemed full of emptiness. A world filled with nothing, of nothing. There was the known, the unknown, and the strange.

It was a feeling I had a long time ago. Or maybe it has been a feeling, a long time ago. I guess but I’m not sure, because I can’t remember properly. Sometimes it makes me doubt, if I ever felt it, really felt it. If I ever, really understood it. If I ever, really knew it.

I know feelings from books, from movies, from ways people describe them. I try to translate them in to my own life, my own perspectives, but all that ever happens, is that I imagine I know how it should be. I wonder, if I ever really know or feel. I guess truth is just a word that exists in the dictionary, but in real, it’s just the empty word.

Toxic.

TOXIC

New year. New chances. New hopes.

New pressure. Again pressure. Pressure never really was away. Always lurking around the corner.

And especially today, I realize, or it has been made clear, that I’m in a very toxic environment.

I don’t have a home

I am not free

I can not be myself

I have no rights here

This life is living me and I can’t escape it

because I’ll be the one to put the blame

and it’s just wrong

I can’t get air
I can’t breathe.

Sometimes it seems like everything is working against me
There is no support for me
That I don’t deserve support
That I don’t deserve positive things
That I don’t deserve oxygen
That I don’t deserve space to be myself

I’m surrounded by poison

Very toxic poison.

I need an antidote.

 

(I’m truly sorry; Haven’t been able to keep up with blog world, nor read or respond; I’m in survival mode – but the best wishes out there, I truly hope the New Year started well for you all and will be a good year.)

Truth , was different.

Once, when I used to be someone. Or looked like someone.

Long ago. Maybe it’s not so long ago, but it seems like ages. Long ago, I used to be functional. Work used to need me, at least, or maybe, I thought.

Long ago, I used to work very hard, more jobs, save money. Be independent, be able to help other people out sometimes. Felt a part of society. Or was it all a dream?

Long ago, people told that, if you would study hard and do your best at school, there was a future. Teachers would tell you that you could do anything you like. Truth was different.

( I was turned down for a study because I was not ‘at the wished physical level – what’s the point of learning and progressing and a chance to develop something when you don’t have a similar background – you can’t do everything you want, there are studies who require experience, even if they seem open. If you’re not on their level, you don’t get a chance, bye bye. What, people can LEARN right? But no, they don’t want to take the time to learn, they require something and if you’re not on that level, even if you are good in other things, bye bye bye. What’s the point of educating people in the exactly same things on the exact same level?)

Long ago, the world seemed to be open, and going to University was important, they said. Working for a couple of years, working crazy shifts, 3 jobs at the same time, less sleep, I saved money, to go to University. With struggles, I finished University. No, I didn’t had this stereotype students life. I didn’t go out, I didn’t party, life was rough, it was work, sleep, study and run. Then I got sick. Boom. Troubles. Delay. Things never got the same again.

Once, there seemed to be a future. My degree, seemed to have a future. There seemed to be work. And now, I just passed 30, and I feel, I’m at the end of my life here. I’m of no use in the world of the working. I don’t fit in to profiles, no matter what I try and no matter what I do. I don’t get a chance to start. Maybe, I’m not so good in profiling myself, but is that a reason to get constant refuses? Yeah, there is less work, there are more unemployed people. But why is everyone around me at work at least? I don’t know anyone being in a situation like this. Everyone gets an interview or an opportunity from time to time. What do I do wrong? Why are the rules so difficult and procedures so weird I don’t even get benefits? It’s just not fair. It’s not. What is the point of being on this world? If there doesn’t seem to be a function for you when you can earn your own money and be a bit independent?

I’m in a prison, while I’m not behind bars. My life seems beautiful to some people; I’m free, there is no boss yelling at me, no one paying me, and I still have food and a bed. Truth is different. Those things will run out. And then? I will turn in to someone, who people don’t look at anymore. Or look down on? Turn in to someone who everyone can blame: for everything I did wrong why I ended up like that.

Bad dream. Bad dream.

Or is it a bad dream coming true?