Thoughts from the deep inside

Am I true to myself? Do I try to push my deepest dreams and wishes away?
Who am I? Who am I , really? What do I really want?

Somehow I think I’m not true to myself, it comes with moments, and I always question myself how true it exactly is.

People congratulate me with my -temporary / 2months- job, and I can’t feel happy with it – I’m like, it doesn’t fix anything. Actually, it just fixes something very temporary, I will put something on my resume, people think ‘oh, she is able to do something normal’ and I will have some money. But it’s just postponing and delaying something, its not a solution.

I’m sad it doesn’t solve my problems. I’m sad that everyone thinks this is the best.

Somewhere, deep inside, it makes me sad that I’ll go to work. Don’t get me wrong: I do not mind working at all. I’d rather work a bit, do a nice, meaningful job, that doesnt have bad influences on the world. It would be nice when it would fix something and make you happy. Give you possibilities of freedom and your own space, and this job doesn’t do that. In fact; it doesn’t give me any guarantees, because I’m some kind of ‘flexworker’ , I will have no guarantees for hours at all. So there’s no guarantee for a regular income, I will have to see and wait what it brings, can not expect anything.

I worked for 10 years, worked really hard, and where did it get me? There are no guarantees. There is no safety system. If you get lost, no one will help you out. The only thing that happens is that your basic existence will be made as difficult as possible.

More and more I doubt if this is the right thing to do. This job doesn’t fix anything. It will not make the world better. It will be a sentence, waiting in prison for the final judgement.

Maybe, I just want to be free, and see the world, and travel, so I don’t have to stop anywhere for a longer time, so people can’t judge me anymore, so I don’t have to feel so guilty anymore. So I don’t have to push myself to look cool in jobs and hop from job to job and put so much energy in adjusting all the time. Or if you can even speak of that, I’ve been so much rejected and jobless for a long time that I’m clearly not needed.

Maybe I should go after this job, and just travel the world, and not put all my energy in trying to make something of life, because it makes me depressed and takes all my energy.

The saddest thing is that im not even sure about anything.

now what?

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The chicken in the mud

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Behind the fence, a bunch of animals live. They are there since a long time, they were there before I was even aware of the place. There are ducks, chickens, goats, and deers to be found. In the past I saw rabbits too, but they have completely dissapeared. As well for a while there used to be black swans to, but they moved a couple of months ago to a better place because their living area was under construction.

Why exactly these animals are kept there I’m not sure, all I can guess is that it makes the environment and the neighbourhood nicer. Or that that was the idea behind it. To educate children about animals maybe. I’m not sure – you can’t enter the place.

I like animals, so I don’t mind them being here. Though there is something that makes me a bit annoyed, but that hasn’t anything to do with the animals themselves; but with their living situation. About a year ago, the municipality cut all the trees, and now there are no trees left. A part of the area is just muddy, and this is always in especially autumns and winters. I don’t know why it bothers me, but it bothers me. Give them some proper place, not this muddy, open space without trees. They have an old, wooden building where they can go for shelter. They are fed regularly, and people from the neighbourhood take care of them too; they watch their health and the animals recognize people; when I walk towards them with some apples or bread or whatever vegetable leftovers, they walk towards me before I’m even there.

I just wonder what the ideas and visions about this are. Probably I’m the only one, or at least one of the very less, who asks all these questions about this, but you won’t get real answers. Or the answer “they were already there and there’s no money for that available’ should be satisfying. But what kind of answers are that? Because it was already there, means that we should not question?

In the rain, I walked by. The deers and goats were inside the shelter. And there was one chicken in the rain. A bright, clean white chicken. The star of the pouring rain. I stopped for a minute, stood behind the fence, and for a little while, I felt the prisoner. The chicken looked  at me, probably if I had anything nice to snatch from me, but I didn’t have anything.

The white chicken seemed happy, strolling along through the mud and the rain.

And I was the one who was not fenced, but felt prisoned.

The swans

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Forever, is a strong word in the vocabulary of the swans; the fact it exists in their world, says actually enough.

Like there is mud to find on the bottom of the pond, and at night, there are stars in the sky – the bond that’s between, is invisible, and invincible at the same time. There is no wind without storm, no rain without hail; the flowers in the fields will tell you the same story.

A hidden bond, but strong, is what keeps them together. It’s hard to grasp what exactly it is, or how it must feel, if you have never felt it before. Only if you feel, you’ll understand. They can’t explain; all they can do is swim and show their compassion, show their beauty in the darkness. They are never too far away; they keep always sight, in the eye.

The way to freedom

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Hard work and no mercy,

inflating with air, inflating inflating.

and finally enough to rise

so you take off,

on the way to freedom,

the way to be yourself,

to be free, to search for peace of mind.

 

But reality learns the hardest lessons, there is no mercy

sometimes your preparations aren’t enough,

no matter how hard you work, or how hard you try.

The possibility of getting captured,

and unanswered questions of why –

where dark clouds can come over, the wind changes direction without a warning sign

there is always something you can not control.

 

so sometimes that means that

sometimes you might get stuck

and you might have to change your plan

sometimes you might have to wait

or might have to figure out

how to get out of the maze

even if it’s not a maze

that trapped you.

 

Keep on moving

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Even if it’s officially still winter, the weather finally was ‘better’ (means no pouring rain, ice, snow and things of such a kind), and I went out of the first ride of the year. There was a lot of wind though. I’ve been wanting to go for a ride since a couple of days, but stupid things kept me from it.

“People will watch at you and think you’re childish and it’s not cool for a woman of 31 to go longboarding and especially not when you’re not so good and you will look rediculous ……and so on and on and on”

So, somehow what other people think of me does bother me, while I know it shouldn’t. But still, this is hard to erase out of your system. At least, in my experience.

When you are like me in a kind of way, I guess, and you have so much difficulties to be part of this world, somehow it’s a bit important that you are accepted in some kind of way. These kind of things can kill something in your soul, as far what’s exactly left of that.

Anyway, there’s a place nearby, where I can use a road where no traffic is. It’s not a very very good road – cracks and lots of wood and stones around, just a small part is asphalt that is supernice to ride. But it’s a bit out of sight, surrounded by trees, and there are not so much people coming there >> big plus for this. They are there are though- people who walk their dogs. Unfortunately you always have to watch out for dogpoop (gross, really – is it so hard to clean up or make sure your dog poop off the road?). That’s a really not cool thing of the place, but so far it’s the best place for me to ride.

The sun was shining, so I took my board and walked to the place. Took my mp3 player as well, since I found a new song which I seem to like a lot (Sia’s Elastic Heart ) and which I can’t stop listening.

and i know that i can survive
i’ll walk through fire to save my life

I cruised around for a minute or 40, and I guess that was a maximum for me. I’m not in shape, and it’s hard to keep moving sometimes – to go out is already an adventure. There was also so much wind.

For the last couple of weeks, I tried to stick with at least 2 times walking in a week, to improve my condition and for my ‘future plans’ if you can call it like that. I would like to go on adventure races and trail running and do much more outdoor sports. I wish I lived in/nearby the mountains.

Last week was the first week I didn’t make it- I did one walk but one other day I cycled, so maybe that ‘counts’. I’m still not save, my mood fluctuates up and down, and I find it hard to find purpose on some days and find things to keep myself busy now.

This week I haven’t walked yet, but I made my first longboard ride. And today, I hope to make the second one.