Am I true to myself? Do I try to push my deepest dreams and wishes away?
Who am I? Who am I , really? What do I really want?
Somehow I think I’m not true to myself, it comes with moments, and I always question myself how true it exactly is.
People congratulate me with my -temporary / 2months- job, and I can’t feel happy with it – I’m like, it doesn’t fix anything. Actually, it just fixes something very temporary, I will put something on my resume, people think ‘oh, she is able to do something normal’ and I will have some money. But it’s just postponing and delaying something, its not a solution.
I’m sad it doesn’t solve my problems. I’m sad that everyone thinks this is the best.
Somewhere, deep inside, it makes me sad that I’ll go to work. Don’t get me wrong: I do not mind working at all. I’d rather work a bit, do a nice, meaningful job, that doesnt have bad influences on the world. It would be nice when it would fix something and make you happy. Give you possibilities of freedom and your own space, and this job doesn’t do that. In fact; it doesn’t give me any guarantees, because I’m some kind of ‘flexworker’ , I will have no guarantees for hours at all. So there’s no guarantee for a regular income, I will have to see and wait what it brings, can not expect anything.
I worked for 10 years, worked really hard, and where did it get me? There are no guarantees. There is no safety system. If you get lost, no one will help you out. The only thing that happens is that your basic existence will be made as difficult as possible.
More and more I doubt if this is the right thing to do. This job doesn’t fix anything. It will not make the world better. It will be a sentence, waiting in prison for the final judgement.
Maybe, I just want to be free, and see the world, and travel, so I don’t have to stop anywhere for a longer time, so people can’t judge me anymore, so I don’t have to feel so guilty anymore. So I don’t have to push myself to look cool in jobs and hop from job to job and put so much energy in adjusting all the time. Or if you can even speak of that, I’ve been so much rejected and jobless for a long time that I’m clearly not needed.
Maybe I should go after this job, and just travel the world, and not put all my energy in trying to make something of life, because it makes me depressed and takes all my energy.
The saddest thing is that im not even sure about anything.