Days pass by, and every morning I stare out the same window. One day I see a tree in the sun, the other day I see a tree in the rain. Sometimes, there’s an owl sitting in the tree, but more often it chooses another one.
As days go by, sometimes I realize a little what is happening, and what has happened. Usually my brain seems to be just shut off, it doesn’t really do anything out of the automatic pilot, and maybe that’s for the better; i just don’t know.
I’ve re-read the e-mail I received from my ex, yes, it’s officially ex now, if you ask her. I don’t know what I would say if you ask me. The more I read it, the more I feel like she never even tried to fight for something, or put any work in an us. That’s not completely true, but , there is a part of truth in it. If you ask me, of course.
I also feel like she’s getting out of this the easy way and not me. I’m stuck with a lot of obstacles, and sometimes when I think of it it makes me angry. It’s not that I wish she had them, I don’t want anyone to have these struggles, the struggles of having no home and impossible to find one, to struggle for income, and what you get is not enough to make a normal living. At least her life continues. She still has the house, for herself, the garden, the cat, her freedom, money coming in because that government there seems to be easier with benefits, her environment, not having your stuff everywhere (my stuff is still half there). And so on.
And here I find me. I don’t even want to really think of it. No house. Low income, below minimum and I am ashamed of it. I’m slowly going towards 0, I’ve never been so low on money. There’s no looking out on a house or a better job right now, and, that’s also really my own fault, because I don’t apply. I don’t stick my head out in that world.
I tried several times, but something blocks me. When I start to write a letter, it ends pretty quickly. I’m not capable of dealing with a lot of stress. I’m really not that good in things. Why would someone hire me? Well, there’s a lot of people you better hire than me, because of so much reasons. Also the fact that everything seems to demand full time, and I don’t even know if I can make 8 hours a day. It sounds ridiculous, and yet it’s the bitter truth.
The more time goes by, the more I think my relationship is over.
A few weeks ago, I put a lot of effort in writing an e-mail, because appearantly, we can not talk anymore. The other person(I don’t know if it’s my ex or still my partner and I have no idea how to call it) is barely responding or not really searching contact. I tried to still do that and also not make it too heavy, but, it’s very difficult. I still love the other person, and at the same time I am also very hurt and angry, because of the behaviour of the other person.
There was a moment the other person told me it was time to talk, she needed to tell me things and stuff, and I put a lot of effort to write an e-mail, and here I am, with no reply yet. I feel tricked almost. Like suddenly it was time and of course I end up being the first one to make a move – sending this e-mail and sharing what’s on my mind and heart, and then…….nothing. Silence.
She lets me wait. Too busy and no time before (because spending with others mostly) I can’t help it but leaving me with a feeling of being not imprtant at all, like I’m an unwanted insect that has to be ignored and get rid of. That freaking hurts.
Some days it hurts more than other days. Some days I get by just fine, other days I’m sitting in my tiny room staring outside, looking at the rain and feel the rain in my heart. That I miss us. Miss the house. Miss the cat. Miss the fireplace. France. How all the effort I started to put in so much things, from learning French to creating a garden with food, were all for nothing. How all the small adventures that I had looked forward too, did not make sense anymore.
I find myself alone, I think. When the other person just ignores you mostly, and doesn’t talk, what’s there left to do? You can not force them. But how can they think it’s right what they are doing to you? Do they even consider that? How are you supposed to feel or do when that happens?
How can someone just start ignoring you without a proper explanation and just let you swim like that? For so long? I’ve thought about it so much. Was I bad in some ways, did I do something wrong? And I just can’t find any answers. It does not make a lot of sense to me what is happening. What the hell did I do? What the hell did happen? Can someone just suddenly change so much so fast that they can put you aside like that?
I still have some stuff there that one day I have to pick up. I mean it’s really my stuff and I don’t want to let it there. But right now I can not make the travel because I have a job right now, and I don’t have the money to make the trip either.
She can just go on with her life. She still has a house. Her place. Her new life. It feels like she doesn’t even miss me, and she must be glad that I’m gone. I don’t know if that’s true, but how can you know if people don’t talk? Keeps you wondering. Questioning. So much.
And me? I find myself staring through my window, watching the pouring rain. Trying to safe myself. Working a tiring and shitty job. Sitting in a room at my parents, for which I’m grateful, but sometimes also difficult. In this country it’s as good as impossible to get your own house, unless you are rich. Even renting is out of the question; or I have to wait for 10 years, or pay a very high rent , but since I don’t earn so much and I don’t have that much, so I will never get anything. I dont even feel at home in my home country, because a big part of my family isn’t from here anyway. The more time goes, the less I feel good here. This is not my place. Yet my friends are here, and it’s the only place where it seems to have a little sense to be, because why would I be welcome somewhere else anyway?
Some days, on moments like now, I feel myself utterly alone, trying to live a life that I already find difficult, and it almost feels like I’ve got an extra kick in my back towards a desert.
Since a week ago I got a job. It’s actually a miserable one, and physical hard work. Bad pay, hard work, same movements all the time. Last week I struggled very badly, but that’s also because I’m mentally not in a good place (see the previous post).
A full working day was really so hard. I’m on half days now, and I think the only reason I can do that is because they have a serious lack of people and can’t find employees to do the job. And here I am, lost person, not believing in herself anymore, not knowing what to do, feeling worthless.
It’s a big laundromat for companies, like hotels and such. I sort out dirty laundry, and put it to wash, which means pulling big sheets, wet sheets, everythings stuck and throwing and putting things in different places. You move all the time. The sheets are large so when you unfold them you have to be careful you dont end up in one looking like a mummy.
Every day so far I feel my whole body. My wrist is sensitive after a few breaks and bruises from the past, and I have to wear a bandage because after just one day it was overused. I also have an inflamed toe (from a shoe that was suddenly too smal, how is that possible, on my age your feet are not supposed to grow anymore). I feel like my body is already detoriating, and there is so much more years I have to work.
Honestly, since I’m back in this country, I feel an enormous pressure again. The pressure of getting a job, running like crazy with the rest of society, even if you can’t everyone expects you too. I can’t do that kind of life for too long. It makes me miserable. And even more unhappy. Deeply unhappy. So unhappy that I prefer to have a miserable life without luxury to be just left alone from that pressure. But that would mean I would end up homeless on the streets at a point. Because for people like that, who can’t be part of it, there is no benefits. We’re expected to kill ourselves inside, and push ourselfs over our limits even if it affects us so badly. I don’t know if there’s more of you out there, there must be, though I never met one, or no one ever dared to share.
There’s almost 48 hours now I did not hear anything from my partner or ex-partner, I don’t know what I should call her. The more I think about it, the more pain I feel inside. Actually she already kind of blocked me 3 months ago, like ignored me and kind of acted like I was or a ghost or just part of the furniture. But I tried to give her space and not expect anything, I really tried to understand and do my best. But I don’t think my feelings and just me are not taken into account at all, hurts me maybe even more. It feels like I’m a nobody to her, I don’t exist, and I’m just blocked out of life and put with the trash. That’s how I feel.
And here I am.
Miserable, in pain. Staying at a place thats not really mine. Being in another country again , the country where I’m supposed to be but where I can’t seem to adjust to what people want from you, or what the government wants from its people. Finding myself alone instead of being together, not knowing anything about a nearby future, not trusting my body completely because of all the medical issues and my anxiety stuff with that, and having to adapt to a physical job that really asks a lot and which is really hard to push your limits when your mind is asking so much already that you have to hold on so hard to something that doesn’t give you grip.
ps. this imagine isn’t mine. I found it on the web and it was just too perfect somehow.
My head is a bit tornado-y lately and my feelings go from up and down to being mixed in a washing machine or something. Or being shaked heavily, just like you create a milkshake. One day things are manageable, the other day I feel so sad and hurt.
I’m almost a month away , a month ago I left France, “our/my” house, “our/my” garden, “our/my” cat, “our/my” new (or now old) life. Everywhere I’ve written “our/my” , is maybe “hers” now, because I can’t even figure out if we are still together really or not. I called it like a time out, but, the way I’m experiencing life, is that I’ve already been cut out of it somehow, but I do not know if that is true. It’s just how it feels like. That world seems so far away. And I’m in a transit zone where there is no departure or arrival time. Not even a expiration date.
I started to wonder. What is actually a partner? Can you expect a partner to be there in times of emergency, or in times of need, when they are not very good themselves? What can you expect from a partner, what is a partner, if theres anything you can say about it in common. Of course you have a lof of different types, but, in the core, a partner is someone who you love and who you will try to help if you can, right? Especially in times of need..right? Or is that too much too ask? Can you expect from your partner to share whats going on in life? Can you expect to do things together sometimes or not? To me, it all became vague. Questionable. I know what I would like. And I never expect it to be all that, because no matter what or who, it’s always giving and taking, and that doesn’t have to be so bad, at least, for me.
We were or are, together for seven years.The first two were long distance, flying or driving or train- ing every few months or whenever was possible. Then she moved here, because I found a job+place to live first. The weirdest thing is that we seem to have had a miscommunication about that, for me it was really like the first one who finds a job and a place to live decides where we live. But in the end I was the only one who understood it that way and the only one who searched and found. I still don’t get that we both didn’t understand it that way, but, it’s something of the past so I can’t do anything about it.
Last year, we moved to France. Because of some external incidents the move didn’t go smoothly. We did not have a house there, or a job. The person I love, or used to love (i don’t even know if I actually still know her 😦 and I don’t know how to call it anymore ) was having this plan originally to start with a friend of hers, but in the end that turned out to be not so serious, while it sounded to me like they had it quite planned out. But it did not happen. After leaving our flat in the city, we stayed at my parents and went to France to find a place together then. We found it in the end. Moved in. Lockdown came. No job. Beautiful garden but cold house. Weird town. Winter.
Then the jobsearching started. For a few months I had benefits so we could get by, but they stopped. Job rejections, another lockdown, another move, this time to a nicer house. Not perfect, but compared to the other house a biiiiiig plus. Insulated house. A fireplace. Warm. Nice bathroom. Clean. Garden. Decent kitchen. Nice environment. Possibilities. Then we found jobs. But didn’t keep them. Partly because of the covid- situation, her job was cancelled/shifted, in my case because I had a small accident at work, bruised my ankle pretty bad and could not walk, and lost the job.
Around that time things started to change. She started to avoid me. Did not want to do things with me anymore. Spending time with others. Being annoyed with me. And I don’t know why. I gave it some thought. Did I change so much? Am I like a grumpy dragon in the house? I couldn’t do much, but was I behaving so bad that it affected things so worse? I honestly don’t know.
I was planning to go for a while. To get my vaccin, arrange and get some stuff, see my friends, family. Because getting my vaccin in France seemed difficult. But with the ankle, impossible. So, shift it. Then I planned my departure again, the cat came, she was away for training so we agreed that I would stay to take care of the cat and would leave for some time after she got back. But then I got an inflammation in my knee that did not go. Got antibiotics,they did not help. It got worse.
And on a fridayafternoon I ended up in the hospital. I was admitted and had surgery the next day. I stayed two days. I’m scared when things happen physically, especially in foreign hospitals. Had a bad experience years ago, what almost costed me my life. Ever since that happened, I have anxiety attacks and freak out in health situations. I can’t trust my body really, and also have to be careful to trust on myself, because years ago more doctors missed something that caused a big shizzle and almost lost my life because of that. Now I don’t want to blame them, healthcare was different by then, i’m sure they did their best, but it affected me for sure.
I speak a bit French, still learning, and since most people there did not speak any other language it was a challenge . But I managed in the end. I’m proud of myself for being able to explain the doctors, for making the appointment to the general doctor who send me to the hospital. I did all of this alone. The admittion in the hospital was scary. First in the emergency sector. Not knowing what would happen. Doctors looking very serious. Another covid test, blood samples and needles and stuff (and it did not go so well, they had to try at least 6 times), but finally I was put on the intravenous therapy, transported in to the hospital and put alone in a room. I never had surgery before so that was scary too. The next day I showered with povidone-iodine, got on special clothes and was brought to the operation rooms. I was put under anesthesia, and I just found the whole thing scary. The anesthesiologist was actually really nice so that helped me a bit. I remember being transported in my hospital bed there, it really is a bit like the movies: going in and out of an elevator, long corridors and these bright lights above you. Going through doors.
The surgery went well. The whole day after it was a bit difficult, I felt sick, very groggy and dizzy and a bit of pain. My head was really spinning and so weird. The next day went a bit better and I was released. But I was not allowed to drive.
Partner (or not partner) was a few hours away and did not come back, and was not really available because her sister was there. I felt left alone a bit. I still understand that she was also having a difficult time and a need of being alone, I was a bit in a emergency situation which was very scary for me and where I would have appreciated some support. That she wasn’t there while I was being admitted , okay, that’s something I can live with, but what happened after I found more difficult.
When I was released from the hospital, I was picked up by my landlord and his wife. What felt weird, but, I was very glad they came and I’m grateful that they came to get me. Landlord and wife came together so one of them could drive my car back (drove alone there) and the wife of the landlord went with me to the pharmacy to get a shitload of medications. She also helped me to find a nurse for my wound treatment from surgery. So helpful.
Then brought me home. Where baby cat was waiting, poor thing was home alone just after a week after it’s move for a few days. I felt so sorry for the cat. And tried to give it as much as attention as I could + clean up + find a balance because I was not fully recovered for sure.
A day later, partner (or not partner) came back. I could not pick her up, because I could not drive, and landlord was so nice again to do that. She quit her activity earlier for what she was away. But she did not came back for me. She was literally home for 5 minutes before leaving again, to a place nearby where she went often. She did not even ask how I was. I felt bad.
Then, that week, I had two allergic reactions on antibiotics. The first one gave me a rash that itched like crazy. I had trouble to reach the doctor, and could see one in the end a day later after calling 3 times in my best French and a day without any answer. She brought me then, but I think it costed her a lot of effort. I went to see the doctor, got a new antibiotic, plus anti-allergy, and she left the house again and slept somewhere else. I did not feel safe because of this previous reaction, still scared and full of anxiety and feeling rejected and left alone and ignored.
Her phone was almost empty or not with her. She was sleeping somewhere else. I had no way to reach her with my second allergic reaction. I was really afraid and panicked. Because in the brochure, theres this thing called anaphylaxis. Which is very dangerous. And my face and lips started to swell and I did not feel good. I called the emergency number at 4.30 in the morning. They did not speak a foreign language and it was difficult to talk with them. In the end, after few attempts to explain that I did not know what to do or if it would get worse or not, they told me to wait for the general doctor in the morning. So I did, half freaking out.
As soon as I could, I got hold of the doctor and got in for an appointment. She was really nice plus she spoke English, which I’m way more fluent in, so that was a big help (even if I did the biggest in French).
After all that, she still choose to not be so much with me because she couldnt and needed time and space for herself. I tried to respect and value that, but I find it very contradictory that she meets a lot of other people. Does that just mean she needs to be away from me? Or does she not do what she needs herself?
There were very few times that I felt so left alone in my life. I was alone most of my childhood in some ways. But for a long time I was in a void, not realizing what happened, or what I felt. These things came only later, in my twenties. But all of this reminds me of one of those times, when I got a serious sickness started with some creepy bacteria who almost ruined my life. My ex boyfriend, dissapeared when I ended up in the hospital. He dissapeared for months because he found it too difficult (he was having issues with himself too). So maybe not so weird that this looks a bit like that. parts.
But then, these things happening provoke questions in me. Is it me that causes this? If it happens for the second time, it really could be me , right? Do I do something that this happens? Did I do something wrong? But what do I have to change? I dont have an answer on this. I don’t want to put blame on anyone, but I do look at my role in the whole thing.
But I just don’t understand.
I don’t understand how someone can be so ignorant and cold (that’s how it feels) to someone who you’ve shared years of your life with. That all of a sudden, something happens or I dont even know what it is, and you start to ignore, not talk, to avoid that person. I did not sleep with someone else, I did not murder someone, I did not do all those kind of bad things that could explain it. So I dont get it.
I left my house. What was my house. Or maybe is, I dont know. Left my cat. My garden. My new environment.
I don’t have a real home anymore. I dont belong anywhere. I’m just a tape sticked on a tapeholder because there’s no other place now. I feel abandoned, ignored, not valued, and I’m hurt.
I don’t even know if I still have a partner. Or a house. Or a cat. Or a garden. Or a friend.
It is so confusing.
And I’m struggling. I’m so tired. Weak. Last week I started a ‘new job’. A very heavy physical one. I’m also struggling with that. But I need money, because I’m going in the ‘danger zone’ if I don’t act.
The world just keeps spinning. You can not expect anything. You just have to keep going, even if you can’t.
sharktoothsweater 