The vertigo-shut down

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So. Here I am, again. Not that anyone really missed me. I’m talking into a big, wide world where the words I use, dissapear into nothingness. They flow to the end of the street, into the darkness. They dissapear around the corner, and I stay behind staring at the lights, and empty street and the corner where the words just went.

-Okay, that’s not completely true – but that is how things feel.-

Since the beginning of August I’ve been dealing with some health issues -starting with vertigo. I was so lucky to get struck by things thing called vestibular neuronitis, also goes by neuritis or labyrinthis. I’ve been really ‘out’ of things thanks to this thing that made functioning a bit ‘normal’ impossible.

I had a panic attack which made me feel ashamed of myself. My body charges to ’tilt’ sometimes when I feel things im my body that are ‘not good’, thanks to my pulmonary embolism-experience in the past. I know it, and still it is so hard to fight.

On top of that I also had some kind of allergy crisis that is still going on. I have some nosespray for it and it goes better slowly, but my health is something that worries me a bit lately. The doctor things stress plays a big part. Which could be true, though I’m trying to keep that down.

I had to shorten my holidays because of it, and even though I didn’t really have money for holidays I went to France to meet again with love. I was lucky to be a few days in the mountains again. I feel different in the mountains. I am more happy there.

Now, I’m back in the city. In my job that could be slowly killing me. I’ve been saying so long that I need to find another job. And yet I keep failing. I started working on my resume, but so far there is nothing else to mention. I am just slow, I guess.

I have very less shifts at work, because of cuts I get very less hours. Which just pays all the bills, but nothing more. It worries me a bit, and I try not to worry.

I’m in doubts wheter to start Jiu Jitsu again, because I haven’t gone there for almost 6 months now and I don’t know where my motivation is, but it seems gone. It’s just empty, neutral, ‘i dont know and i dont care’.

So yeah, here I’m sitting. I don’t know and I don’t care.

But I try you know, I really try.

I just fail sometimes. Or mostly sometimes.But I try.

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When the sun goes down

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Sometimes,
or maybe just once,
all the colors of the world dissapear,
and you sink in to the deep
where there is no light

You sit on the bottom of the cave
and can’t fall deeper,
but can’t climb – you’re completely stuck

I don’t know what is worse,
but all I know is
that even if you’re on the bottom of the cave

and when the sun goes down
it does come up again
even if you can not bear the light.

The pebblestone in the desert

Honestly, I guess I have to admit I don’t have much ‘life’. It’s one of these days again that everything is empty and life seems an endless torture to me. I’m sad, empty and angry at the same time, and yet nothing at all.

Life is just not for everyone. To have a house, to lead a peaceful life, that’s just not for everyone. Like a pebblestone that needs water to bounce, I’m like a pebblestone that ended up in the desert. You just fall, and sink away in the sand: that’s me.

Somehow it’s a rough time again. Family issues, and the more I think about it, the more sick I feel. Emotional traps, nasty games, and even if I’m not super close, it affects me more then I would like to admit. And I feel so sorry for my parents, who are hugely affected by it. When I was younger I was angry at them so many times. And now I understand it better. Some things you just don’t see when you’re young. That they were trapped and part of an unfair, nasty game. I feel sorry for them that their lives are so destroyed and affected. It’s bad to say, but I hope they will be finally free when the person who does that and who is left, dies. That’s terrible to say I realize and know. Yet I’m afraid I think it would really be that way, though they will not ever be free from it: some damage is done forever.

Work was also pretty shitty, it gets worse. I can’t even find the words for it to describe what is going on. But I feel tension going up and up, I feel more pressure and I feel like I’m falling apart. I doubt about things I should not doubt, and I think I do my work less good.

I drag myself at home. I wait for the train, stare in the emptiness of the station, even when it’s full of people. I sit on the train, feeling braindead. I drag myself home; trying to slalom between cars and bikes and walking people who all seem to be in such a hurry and seem to rule the world, where’s there no space for empty people like me.

I hide myself in bed and when the night falls, I go out to the grocery store. Immediatly when you walk in, the neon signs and advertisements jump into your sights. I get superannoyed by that lately; it’s too much. With a task that’s not so difficult; get your groceries together but feels like running a survivalrun, I dissapear into the night again, trying to avoid every other living human being and try to get home as soon as I can, to crawl away in my cave again. I don’t want to face anyone or anything anymore, I just want to be left alone, and yet my heart aches so badly that I don’t know what to do about it. I feel awful, I’m not hungry and I don’t pick up my phone when someone calls.

All I am, is the pebblestone in the desert.

The boy and the railwaycrossing

Today I found myself in a weird situation. I got off the train and was doubting to take the bus to work, but since it was sunny and movement is better, I decided to walk. I pass two traincrossings on the way to work. Today on one of them, I saw a boy, just standing there.

First I passed, but something didn’t feel right. I don’t know why, but my stomach felt really weird. So I stopped walking and looked back. He was still there. I assume he was around fourteen or something, but I’m bad in guessing ages, so maybe that was not right. But anyway, that’s not a place to stay and chill. I stayed there for a little while, to observe him. Maybe that’s freaky, I don’t know. It’s a busy crossing and every one else in the car, on the bike or on foot seemed to be in their own worlds, no one noticing the boy. He sat on the fence; with his legs on the railway side. Trains drive there on full speed. He seemed not good to me somehow. I also know there’s a mental health centre close, so I don’t know, but it seemed not really okay to me.

While doubting what to do, I tried to collect my guts and ask him if he was okay. I felt my heartrate going up. But I walked up to him and asked. He looked at me a bit distant, saying he was fine. I don’t know, what are you supposed to say in situations like this? Maybe I say the wrong things, maybe I ask the wrong questions. I don’t know. I asked if he was okay and if he needed help. He said that he was okay. I didn’t really believe him, so I also said something like that I felt bad because I saw him hanging around the railwaycrossing. He said again: no, there’s nothing.  I said take good care of yourself, gave him a friendly slap on his shoulder and moved. He walked away a bit further, but still close around the railwaycrossing.

Still this terrible feeling in my stomach. I was standing there, tying to decide what to do. If he would try to jump in front of a train I would be able to stop him I guess, but that’s not a solution because I couldn’t stay all the time at that place. So I called the police and told them the story, and that I was not sure what to do. They said they send out a car. So I stayed there, just to make sure that he wouldn’t walk or stand on the crossing. And waiting for the police to talk to them. (I think the boy noticed that I was waiting, and he saw the police car coming, and then started to walk away from the railway.)

I spoke with the officers, telling them everything above. They said that they would go talk to him and check, and thanked me for the phonecall. I was late at work (but I called to say why so that was fine). But I felt superweird.It touched something inside of me I guess, because I had suicidal thoughts in the past – so I don’t know, something of his look or behaviour reminded me of that. At work – my work sucks with certain things, but with this they seem to be really nice- there were a few people ‘waiting’ for me, to check and talk because they heard why I was coming in late. Not that it solves anything, but it was still nice, to know that they were there.

I couldn’t really concentrate at work, and in the end I called the police back to see if they could give me any news or if the boy was allright. I wasn’t sure if they were allowed to give me any news, but they told me that the officers went to talk to him and decided he was not ‘in need of any urgent help’ so they didn’t take him.
I guess I did the right thing; I couldn’t have lived with myself if I wouldn’t have stopped and check, and hear in the news later that someone died because of jumping in front of a train there. I hope the boy isn’t angry on me now, and that he understands when it was a false alarm. But I guess it’s better that he is pissed off with me then when he would really be so bad and no one would have cared.

I still find it weird that in the time I observed,  no one, seemed to notice. Or no one seemed to care. No one seemed to find it weird. I just wonder, about that.

I guess all I can do, is hope that he is okay. Like in, really okay.

Sometimes there is no fix

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All you see is a drowned leaf in the water; it’s shallow, and clear, but there’s no way you could – or could have-  rescued.

There is no fix, for certain things.

Right now, I’m not having the best time of my life. I always have these periods, and I will always have them. I don’t believe they will ever dissapear. Because the not sleeping aka insomnia continued, and I really felt like I would break down, I went to the doctor. I have a new one, since I moved, and he’s a bit weird in some ways I guess, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with him. He prescribed me some sleeping pills – which is actually what I came for. Last night was the first night I slept again, not enough, but at least I slept.

I remember a part of the conversation. Of course he asked why I couldn’t sleep.

Stress. Stuff. Life. Work. All the usual things, I guess. And, life is just difficult for me. I find life difficult, and it might probably always stay that way.

What he could do for me? I said that I knew he can’t fix my problems. That I know no one can fix my problems, and that some things can’t be fixed. All I wanted was sleep, and so I needed medication now, and he is the key to that.

Because usually I can manage to fix – or control – things in my life.

But sometimes I can’t. And this was now.

I’m not feeling better, I’m feeling low. Just low, not even depressed. But all that I know is that some things, can not be fixed. Not now, not in the past, not in the future.

 

The pain in souls you can not see

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You know, I could tell you a story,
But the problem with stories is that there are too many of them.
A word is just a word, a story just a story
and a feeling is never more and never less than a feeling.

So it will always be, or never be.

You can follow every footstep of me,
but you can never follow my road;
You can observe me and follow my senses
but you can never see the way I see,
or feel the way I feel

Nor can I follow your steps,
not even if I see them on the road,
I can observe and see what you see
And yet be blind, at the same spot;

I can walk your path, but not make the same steps,

I can never feel you
You can never feel me
I guess that is the way
how it’s supposed to be.