It has been, a long, long time. I can not really properly explain why I stopped writing. Why I stopped drawing. Why I stopped …. it just happened. Like life just happens.
Paths that are no roads. Directions without a way. A radio without a signal. Whatever it was, it was not there.
It has almost been two years – almost. Life has been going up and down like usual – I guess for some people it always goes like this. And yet so much changed, and at the same time nothing really changed. I’ve been floating in some kind of bubble. Work. Hanging in. Other work. I don’t really know.
Right now I’m at a point in life that I’m not really familiar with, and which I find difficult. Recently I stopped antidepressants – really, it was hell to stop. I didn’t expect it to be so bad – a lot of nervous things, more nervous things and more NERVOUS things….movements, moods that flying everywhere and nowhere, but this nervousness inside of me, like some small things bouncing inside my body. Getting pissed off for no reason. Plus this thing that I really, really don’t like: C R Y I N G.
It’s not like crying crying. Most of the times it’s without any sound, just out of nowhere a stream of water running down the cheeks. Sometimes just like that, without any particular feelings. But sometimes with feelings, being sad for no reason, or being sad about life – I can’t help it, but life has so many things that hurt so bad that even if they don’t happen right now – they still hurt.
I don’t really know what to do with it. Often I hear people say that crying relieves. But how? I don’t feel any relievement – it seems pointless because of that. I’m in some kind of rollercoaster of being okay – being empty – or being sad and emotional and touched by so much things, touched that it can make me cry. I am not a crying person. So not. And yet I am.
The contradictory of everything all the time. I wish I would be able to handle that well, but I’m still searching for the manual that guides me through that. Got to figure my own puzzle out. Blah. Bleh. It is what it is, right?
Soon I am facing big changes again in my life. I know I need to change, because I can’t go on with life like I did and do now. And at the same time, I am very afraid. I go to another country, where I don’t speak the language too well, where I will have to find a job and such. Luckily, girlfriend is there with me. She’s from there, so she knows a bit how it works. But it’s still a bit scary though. Can I make it on my own? Can I make it to build something ip in a new country again? Am I able to fight the everlasting depressions and such? So much questions, so less answers.
Well, anyway, I’m feeling like I say a lot and saying nothing at the same time – for now I will just leave this as it is, and see if I can connect my radio cables again – for a long time the line was out, for now it’s plugged in a little, but for what comes, I honestly do not know –