A positive post: my new house.

I will try to write positive posts too. A nurse I see sometimes about my ‘issues’, said that is important. So I’ll give it a try.

A month ago, I moved into a new flat. In this city is hard to find something affordable and I consider myself really lucky with this new place. It’s  much better place than my previous studio. For almost the same price I have twice as much space (around 55m2), but that’s not the most important: Now I have a seperate bedroom AND a balcony!The location is also a big plus: more quiet and just nicer.

I can even have visitors now, even people who sleep over, because I have a couch that can transform in a bed. Not that I have that often, but it does make me a bit happy that it’s possible.

Behind my house there are trees and bushes what is lovely, and it’s full of life with so many birds. They visit my balcony often since I hung a ‘peanutbutterhouse’ (a birdhouse with a jar of peanutbutter – they love it). Soon I’ll remove that because baby-birds can not have that sticky peanutbutter, but in the winter it’s the birds favourite together with sunflowerseeds.

Behind my flat/balcony, and behind the green is a railway yard.
I like my view. And I love that I have a little outside.

What I also like a lot, is that I can finally have plants!  Creating a little jungle in my living room. I’ve been reading the NASA Clean Air study and nature helps for depression, so I would like to create a little jungle inside of my house. To have a nice environment. Because that is finally possible here. I also would like to grow a few things on my balcony. Some of my current little green machines:


Pathetic Potato Chips


It wasn’t even me who found them. I would not even have bought them, even if I’d knew about their existence. Or even if I would find them, by accident. To be honest with you: I had never heard of them before. It was my friend, who introduced them to me. The Monster Munch.

Actually they are just some ordinary potato chips. They do not even look like monsters, but more like the ghosts you find in pacman. These creatures seemed to be the favorite chips of my friend. So when I heard about them, and saw them in the store, I took a bag of them.

Driving home, they were just lying in the backseat of my car. Driving home with a bag of chips, how pathetic is that? The whole world seemed to ask too much from me, and here I was, part of it, with a bag of monster munch in the backseat.

Pathetic. It’s pathetic.What a crazy world sometimes.


The chicken in the mud


Behind the fence, a bunch of animals live. They are there since a long time, they were there before I was even aware of the place. There are ducks, chickens, goats, and deers to be found. In the past I saw rabbits too, but they have completely dissapeared. As well for a while there used to be black swans to, but they moved a couple of months ago to a better place because their living area was under construction.

Why exactly these animals are kept there I’m not sure, all I can guess is that it makes the environment and the neighbourhood nicer. Or that that was the idea behind it. To educate children about animals maybe. I’m not sure – you can’t enter the place.

I like animals, so I don’t mind them being here. Though there is something that makes me a bit annoyed, but that hasn’t anything to do with the animals themselves; but with their living situation. About a year ago, the municipality cut all the trees, and now there are no trees left. A part of the area is just muddy, and this is always in especially autumns and winters. I don’t know why it bothers me, but it bothers me. Give them some proper place, not this muddy, open space without trees. They have an old, wooden building where they can go for shelter. They are fed regularly, and people from the neighbourhood take care of them too; they watch their health and the animals recognize people; when I walk towards them with some apples or bread or whatever vegetable leftovers, they walk towards me before I’m even there.

I just wonder what the ideas and visions about this are. Probably I’m the only one, or at least one of the very less, who asks all these questions about this, but you won’t get real answers. Or the answer “they were already there and there’s no money for that available’ should be satisfying. But what kind of answers are that? Because it was already there, means that we should not question?

In the rain, I walked by. The deers and goats were inside the shelter. And there was one chicken in the rain. A bright, clean white chicken. The star of the pouring rain. I stopped for a minute, stood behind the fence, and for a little while, I felt the prisoner. The chicken looked  at me, probably if I had anything nice to snatch from me, but I didn’t have anything.

The white chicken seemed happy, strolling along through the mud and the rain.

And I was the one who was not fenced, but felt prisoned.

The swans


Forever, is a strong word in the vocabulary of the swans; the fact it exists in their world, says actually enough.

Like there is mud to find on the bottom of the pond, and at night, there are stars in the sky – the bond that’s between, is invisible, and invincible at the same time. There is no wind without storm, no rain without hail; the flowers in the fields will tell you the same story.

A hidden bond, but strong, is what keeps them together. It’s hard to grasp what exactly it is, or how it must feel, if you have never felt it before. Only if you feel, you’ll understand. They can’t explain; all they can do is swim and show their compassion, show their beauty in the darkness. They are never too far away; they keep always sight, in the eye.

An exhausting day

Today, I woke up quite early, because I planned to go to the emigration expo. The day started with black ice, I pushed the breaks of the car and nothing happened. Luckily, I drove slow because I knew it was a bit slippery, but it was worse than I expected. And luckily, there was no other traffic and it was off the main roads, but it was a bit scary. I almost made a 180 degrees spin while turning. I stood there for a minute doubting to turn back and not go, but the mainroads where free and I think my parents want me to be away sometimes, so I went. The trains were crowded (not nice) and very dirty. I can’t believe a good WIFI connection in the train is much more important nowadays then a clean train where you dont have to sit on chairs with beer or whatever kind of substance. I really don’t like  ‘this’ – but hey, that’s the normal standard for now right? As long as there’s WIFI, 90% of the people doesn’t care about the rest and seem happy.

The travel was long, and cold. I finally got there, and it was supercrowded. Overwhelming, those things are very tiring for me. I walked a few rounds, concluding that this was useless for me. I took some leaflets and brochures, got a free pen and free sunglasses, and managed to talk shortly to someone of a Bulgarian company and someoone of a French job agency (note: these were the most unpopular stands- thats why I was able to speak to them i guess – it was so busy if you wanted to talk to someone, you would have probably had to wait for a long, long time). Not good for information. Using a searching machine on the web is maybe even more useful.

After a while, I decided to get out of there. I walked the whole fair – there was nothing left for me to do anymore and these crowds and noises were too tiring for me (heck, I really can’t handle these things, they give me bad headaches and make me so tired! I always think that I’m weak somehow because they really exhaust me, they seem to exhaust me so much more than most people). I was glad I took the train because at least I could close my eyes if I would have a seat of course, sometimes its so crowded you have to stand. Unfortunately it took 30 minutes before a shuttle service came and I could get on the train after the busride. I slept during the rainride – I was glad I didn’t take the car. After a long trip, more than 7 hours travel (way there and back) I got home again.

Conclusion: This was all wasted money. Wasted time. Wasted energy. Never again.

At home, I wanted to go to sleep, but my mon insisted me to eat first. She can be really pushy sometimes – I dont feel like I can do what I think is good for me or what I need and when I need it. She is in no way a bad person, but this pushy side of her I really dislike and it makes me feel bad sometimes.

Now, I will go to bed. Its not even 8 pm, but I’m exhausted.
I just need to get rid of this massive headache.

Good night. I hope tomorrow is better.

Life that’s hardly visible


It’s winter, and snow and cold are there

walking through the fields of nothing

where signs of life seem rare,

though if you look closer

on places where you don’t expect,

little surprises are waiting

and today, I found these little creatures

dancing on the ice.

( Do you see them? There are little green-ish little dots next to the plant- with the large image you can see them better)

Sorry smartphone -but it seems like a no go.

People who’ve been following my blog for a longer time, probably know that phones and me are not always getting along together. (https://sharktoothsweater.wordpress.com/2014/11/17/the-phonesdestroyer/)

eye phone

Recently, one of my relatives gave (yes… gave) me an iPhone aka a smartphone.

Now I’m not too fond of Apple in the first place. Yeah (but I’m actually not) sorry Apple, but you really let me down when I wanted to fix an Imac – you didn’t want to help me because it was ‘too old’. The computer was still fine, just a problem with the screen (happened with this model). But it was simply “No, we don’t make spareparts for this computer anymore and we are not going to help you, just buy a new one). Somehow Apple products seem to be for fancy people with a lot of money who don’t mind their product seems to be ‘banned’ after 2 years – in these ways I think Apple really sucks. Sorry, but their products are not so cheap and with a bad service like this, at least I think it’s not service at all, I’m not the person for your products. I must admit the operating system seems pretty decent, but my experiences with Apple didn’t make me a big fan of them, as well as I just read the ‘conditions of use’ and such for ‘using this iPhone’. Sorry, but this is crap to me. It’s a) way too long, b) way too vague and c) it seems like they can do what they want. Another reason I will not be your biggest fan.

But, I do give second chances, as well to myself sometimes, so I thought I should maybe see if I get this smartphone in use. I went to the store and got this thing to be able to use it (small and bigsize SIMcards -yeah…not) and tried to set this phone up. The more I explore it (and after reading the terms of use) I am sitting here with a nasty feeling.

Sorry, I can’t do this. Dear relative, I am really grateful you gave this phone to me and you wanted me to have a decent phone, but this is not me. I’m not an Apple type, I’m not an iPhone type. I’m not so fancy. I’m not a person who is connected to the world wide web and this ‘cool (fake) onlineworld where rationalizing comes in the last place and impulsive reactions and such seem to have taken over. This world is frightening to me. As well the terms of use make my head spin.

Do I really want to accept this?
Do I really want to be a part of this?


I can’t. I can’t do this.

And so, I will give this phone back to my relative I think.

A lot of people will probably look weird at me, for doing this.
My friend will probably think I’m crazy – she’s been talking to me like yeah and just buy and get this app, and just get internet on your phone and blablabla.
But luckily, my love does understand me.