Living a life?

The last few weeks, have well…..just been weeks. Where days go by, and days go by.

I don’t really feel like I’m living a life. Most of the things are empty, meaningless, things that ‘have to be done’. But all disconnected from feelings. Things and feelings without a soul.

In most ways, everything has been chaotic. Work has been unstable, due to problems with planning department, extreme busy to nothing to do, to the sounds of the firing people issue. If everything goes according the planning, things will be more clear next week of who’s going to be fired and who not. (Not that I believe that – there are contradicting messages all the time and I don’t know what or who to believe – I guess I ‘ll just wait untill it really happens, because if I don’t its all lost energy of worrying and questioning). I don’t get it why they are so unclear and make so much fuss about it, all this causes is restless people.

Things at home have been difficult.

Sometimes I’m sad I still ‘live at my parents, because sometimes, like now, I dream of my own place. But it’s simple: I can’t really afford it. The risks are too high. Rents are too high. Even with my salary that is above minimum wage. BUT, since my work position and my income is unstable: I never have hour guarantees. Next week it dropped,  I have 16 hours. Thank you cutbacks. If my work drops like that, I wouldn’t be able to pay the rent or other bills.

Now, my sister is back again. I can’t help it, but everything changes when she’s here, certain things annoy me. I’m really okay with having someone over,  but somehow things with her always go the same and they annoy me. Which I find difficult to admit, or somehow I’m ashamed by it, because she’s my sister. She’s fighting hard for a place in the world too.

But somehow, she takes a lot of energy, she’s a very present person, makes a lot of noise. She is also very direct and strong, especially verbally. She also doesn’t have any money, and does whatever fits her. She doesn’t really think about others. Last week, I couldn’t sleep in the evening because i heard her watching movies late at night, and early in the morning I woke because she was jumping and exercising in her room, waking me up. She eats food without thinking someone maybe has to go to work or maybe someone planned something with that. She doesn’t really ask, she just takes and eats it in her room. Doesn’t really eat together or plan to cook for everyone, just for her, whenever she wants to.

I don’t know why it’s so annoying to me – she needs to eat too and do her things.  But the way she behaves, without ever showing something back, is maybe what annoys me te most. Or that I always have to ask or say, that she never sees it herself. For me it’s so logical to realize there are others too and they have needs, but for her, she doesn’t seem to think about it and does whatever comes to her mind without thinking of the others. Is that my failure?

For example, I bought a special chocolate, also for my parents/for everyone. But what happens? She takes the bar,stores in in her room, and  eats it all. To me that is selfish and rude. I can’t understand that. She will not buy a new one. She always asks about this and that, but never goes buy something herself.  There are more ‘little’ things like that, but I’m too tired of it to type them out. I am too tired. And if I say something about it, my mom gets mad too. Whatever. I don’t want to fight about it, but sometimes it’s really pissing me off, like last week, when she ate all the bread and didn’t put a new bread out of the freezer, so I ended up going to work with no bread. No big deal if it happens once, but there’s too much all the time with her, I really can not ‘take it in’ anymore. seems like my limits crossed and since that they’re always crossed. I wish I could stop this, or that it would not annoy me.

It seems that she kind of agreed with my mom that the upcoming time she will stay here and eat here without paying anything. Without paying is fine, but just ……….blegh. It’s fine, and it’s not. But maybe it’s me.

My (last living) grandma, who lives close, isn’t so well lately. The mixed feelings I have make it difficult. things that happened in the past, and that she is so dependent in certain ways. If my mom wouldn’t be here, we wouldn’t be in touch ( in my moms culture family is very important). My dad would never have seen his parents again. They didn’t treat my mom and dad so well in the past, and they did things that are not so cool. Now my mom is the one who arranges everything that is needed, and she seems very dependent on my mom, who already has enough to do, and, lost her own mom earlier this year. I do things or try to do things too for her, because I don’t want my mom to do everything. My grandma’s own daughter ( my aunt – i never see) doesn’t. My dad, doesnt. I can’t explain it any better right now, but I’m sick of the whole situation. The conflicts I have with myself – what is right, if things aren’t right.

It isn’t right, but not doing anything doesn’t feel right neither.

It makes me sad. It never changes. It never does, and I can’t do or say anything about it.

It’s a trap, where you can’t get out. Where I can’t get out. I don’t know what are the right things to do. I am doubting myself. Am I wrong? Am I having wrong views of the world, of how things should be? I have no right to speak, because I still live at home, I can’t be completely indepentent, I guess. I feel bad about myself too, that I’m mixed up in these conflicts, and I can’t decide and make up my mind.

I’m fine, and I’m not.

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and so it goes

Several times I wanted to write something, but somehow it didn’t feel right. The words would not come out , not the right words, not the things I wanted to say.

Still, I can’t find them.

My feelings are messed up. My thoughts are messed up.

Life has just kept moving on. Five days a week I drive to work, work, drive home. THe evenings pass, usually with nothing special. The weekends are not so exciting either; I go grocery shopping. I shower,I clean, I hang around. And so it goes.

I can’t say I’m happy, but I can’t say I’m unhappy neither. But I’m not complete. A part that is incomplete, is that my love is not here/I’m not there. A part of that is I guess that I feel my freedom is captured. My job’s not so bad, but today, for the first time, I really felt that I can or should not stay in it. For a while it’s okay. I get by. I get along with my colleagues. Yet there are slowly changes coming that I feel are somehow not right. I can’t exactly say why – I guess this is ‘feeling’.

The world is a bit numb again, in some ways.

Yet I’m still trying to work on things. I guess. I finally made an appointment at the hospital, to get a wisdom tooth removed. I’m not looking forward to it, but it has to be done.

I asked off to go see my love in November, but there is nothing approved yet; having time off seems difficult. So I still don’t know and still can’t book a flight.

I’m trying to learn French, with some audio clips that I downloaded from language videos and play them in the car during travels to work.

I tried to put more (physical) activities in my life, but it didn’t work out so well yet.

I try to do activities in ‘real life’, like visit other people sometimes; I went to an activity with my colleagues and I visit my friend nearby almost every week.

I guess I’m doing okay. But it doesn’t really feel okay im some way(s).

 

Uh…did I really do that?

Last week, I did something ‘scary’. I applied for a training course abroad. I got accepted. *silence*. * doubts *. At this moment I still do not know, if my job will be extended. So far, there are 2,5 weeks to go and then it stops (or continues). But time is running fast. I didn’t do much to find another job. If my current job will be extended for me, will become clear in the next 2,5 weeks: lastminute. No certainties.

So, now I will have to take off the last day that I , as far as know now, officially, work. And go to this training course.  After that? good question. I have no idea how things will go. Admittted: I’m scared. I finally have this job and I finally earn money again.Somehow it’s a bit comforting to know you can get by. My job is nice, though demanding now, but the pay is decent (although others think not) and I get along.

I could, build a future on this job. I could rent my place with this job, if extended. I could manage, to live a life. A “normal, steady” life, as far as you can ever speak of that.

And yet I can’t, because of these uncertainties.

And now, I got accepted for this training course. A training course about pilgrimage and outdoor activities, personal development, learning and transformation. I don’t really know what to expect of it, but when I read the documents, it caught my eye, and it never left my thoughts. Anyway I will spend a week outdoors, sleeping outdoors, walking. (Can I do that? I should, but still, so many doubts)

As well to be part of a group, is challenging. Do I fit there? What if they are all pro’s , and I’m the rookie? What if, what if, so much more what ifs.
These are no reasons not to do it, I realize, and I got accepted and I applied for it myself. Fear, is a bad thing to listen to. Fear, is something you have to step towards to, and go straight through it, is the way I see it now.
So easy said, so difficult to do.

Anyway, time keeps passing, every second, every minute, every hour, no matter what I think or do. It passes. And so the days come closer.

Doing something meaningful – or not.

Today, I read something about someone who, just like me, went abroad for voluntary work. If you have read before on my blog, maybe you have read that I’ve ended this 6 months early, because it didn’t work out at all; there wasn’t any work and everything I tried to do didn’t matter to anyone; it seemed all useless and no one appreciated it.I couldn’t find my place there and even if I tried to talk about it several times (what was hard for me, but I did it), nothing changed. Maybe this is exaggerated to some, but I really felt there was no back-up at all. No one cared at the place where I ‘worked”, no one cared from the organisation with who I went on this voluntary work. They didn’t respond on my e-mails or messages and that really bothered me, for a while. I went on some trainings, I spoke with a lot of persons, and I still think this whole things turned out really crappy for me. I don’t want to indicate it’s all the fault of others, I’m guilty myself too, because I can not function in these environments, I could have made my own projects, I just couldn’t hang on to this because I felt trapped, unwished, didn’t seem any purpose of anything. I don’t have a strong power to continue when nothing seems to matter – I could have done something, instead of ‘giving up on everything’. I just lack this power. I don;’t know why.

As well, I don’t want to say by this that I’m the only one, of course I KNOW i’m not the only one. But that doesn’t make it feel easier or right. I so needed this to work out, but it didn’t. Hello real world.

Anyway, I read about something this person wrote, that how someone told him how great work he did, what he achieved and that he should be proud of himself. And how good he felt. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m  happy that he feels happy about this and that he did great work and others acknowlegde that, everyone needs something like this from time to time. I am happy he reached this and his work is valued and that is brings positive things – because I also know, it wasn’t easy for him either.

But by reading this, something touched something inside of me. I don’t know why or what exactly it is, but I thought about this whole thing and how dissapointing this went or ended. And how not accepted I feel in general (life) , and that often it seems that no one sees any value in me. Okay, there are a few expections, but on the working/professional level, I seem to be completely useless, because no one seems to see anything in me or there doesn’t seem to be a chance to develop myself in this way, and sometimes, I get really sad of this. What do I do wrong? Is there something wrong with my resume? Something with  my letters? I followed two or three trainings in how to do job applications and writing letters, I asked different people to check mine and for their help. What do I need to change? These things make me feel useless as a human being, why the heck am I on this world when there is no job for me and no money? I feel worthless. It is not only the depression thing or low self confidence that causes this, it’s also all the happenings in the last five years.

I got sick. There was no back up. No help. No financial stuff.

I rehabilitated. No help. I had to do it myself. No financial help.

No benefits; I was not bad enough and I was officially still a student, so take a loan.

I took a loan, worked on finished my study, finished, and that almost seems to be where my ‘carreer-future’ ended.

My studentsjob where I stayed after graduating, cut my hours, it was 4 hours traveling one way and in the end I got so less shifts that my trainfares where as high as my wage. No better situation and this went on for months. Pressure got really high, situation more bad and bad, so I left myself. Bye bye stupido, you lose all your rights, because its your fault your unemployed now.

Sat at home for 6 months. Feeling depressed, not being able to get out of this black hole. Had plans to travel to Georgia, Armenia, London, but ended up sitting in my room.

Finally made the decision to go on this voluntary project. Went abroad. Things didn’t work.  And so? I came back with nothing. I didn’t do anything, nothing meaningful.

And now? good question. I don’t know.

Sometimes, it just stings somewhere. And this devil inside my head: loser, loser, you can’t even take care of yourself. And I don’t want to blame, but things weren’t working with me. I feel rejected. Rejected by the world. And I can’t help it, and I know it’s a feeling, and I know it;s not completely true,  but this is how it feels somewhere inside of me.

Follow your heart, follow your brain? Impossible choices, or not?

Do I follow my heart? Do I follow my brain? Can I follow both? Is that even possible? It doesn’t seem possible somehow, or well, maybe it could be but a part is not under my influence.

My hearts want to book a flight right now, and go to i-love-very-much-far-away-friend.

My head wants to find a temporary job (which is a bit out of my control, since I just have a very small influence on it – and the applications I did lately, turned out to nothing – 95% didn’t even respond at all), and earn money and save,and be able to use it when I move to i-love-very-much-far-away-friend.

Then there’s this other small part of my head that thinks: Try to get benefits again, but, IF they will accept me for it, which is not certain at all, they will probably take away my freedom and won’t allow me to go to i-love-very-much-far-away-friend. in december, they will force me to all kinds of things and I will have no choice but do what they want – I will be a prisoner of the system.

Heart thinks: ### the rest of the world, #### money,  I want to be together and I don’t care about the rest , because she makes me happy. Because I want to be with her. Because after all these years of misery, I finally met happiness and beauty again.

Do I follow my brain? Put a lot of effort in finding a job and save money and try to be patient?Try again to go for benefits with the risks of having to cancel my flight in december and be the puppet on string and big chances of depression and unhappiness again of what they will ask and require from me?

Even if it maybe seems easy, these things are not easy. What can I choose?? There are everywhere pros and cons, and there isnt one ‘best thing’ I guess. How can you ever make choices in these things?

Am I blind? Do I miss options? Do I ask or expect too much of life?
Am I worried, about nothing? I don’t know. Again so many questions, without answers, without directions. Oh-I-don’t-know-what-to-do.

Turned down

So, the job I applied for last week, is not going to be my job. I was turned down for the job, with the reason that there were other applicants who fit better to the profile the company is looking for. (First thought: Yeah, as always…).

It’s not cool. And this can make me feel more bad about myself. I know it’s just one thing now, but this is how it always went before too. It makes me wonder; where the heck DO i fit? Where the heck am I good enough for? What the heck is wrong with me?

I so need something in my life I can earn some income again, even if its just a little, I don’t require a job with a super salary. All I want, is just a decent salary so I can get by. Buy some food, be able to live on my own again , even if it’s a very small place, and buy myself new clothes if I need them. Pay my health insurance. Is that too much to ask?
It seems so.

I know of course, there are lots of people unemployed at the moment. I am tired of this competition to find a job. Already. It did not change it the time I went abroad.

I guess the pressure to try again for benefits is getting bigger. And end my freedom. And end a part of dignity that was left that I had for myself.

And I don’t know if I will go try out the Jiu Jitsu training tonight. I am afraid.

I should go, I guess. But I’m afraid at this moment, afraid to go to new places I don’t know, afraid for people. What to say? And what right do I have, to spend money, even if it’s not much, on sports? I almost feel like I’m a criminal, someone who is bad and doesn’t deserve the right to live. And I know it’s not like that, though sometimes it feels that way. Meh. It’s temporary, right? (Second thought, it’s what I say to myself all the time)