Trying to get used to my soon new ‘home’

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I’m sitting on the ground in my soon to become house. I stare outside out of one of my windows. Can I get used to this place? Will this feel like my own place? But I don’t know.

Others seem to be more excited and happy about it. I know this is not ‘the place’. I don’t have an outside, I live in the city.

In my heart, I know that this is not where I want to live ‘forever’. Yet I move here.

Because sometimes you have to step in between, if the jump is too big.

Well, I don’t know. It’s just weird. I don’t know why I find moving so weird. But going into a new place, dropping in just like that, is just weird to me.

 

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Working towards the ‘future’

Looking forward to the future is not something I’m very good at I guess. It’s a struggle to pass the days usually, so why look to much ahead? That only makes things more difficult, and it’s simply too far away.

Though somehow, I feel like I have to make a little plan this time. Because if the job I have now ends, I don’t want to fall in this big black hole I’ve been in before. I’m not really something, my study didn’t give me anything in particular and I’m not really very skilled or have some kind of talent that stands out. So if I want to make it in life, I have to do something. Plan something. Look ahead.

I already lost years of my life. I’ve never really lived a life like I wanted to. I always feel obligued to take care that others are okay, make sure they have their needs. Not mine. My life’s empty, so why bother? I’m not good in anything. I’m just a void; so it always felt like I had no right to turn life my way.

Also, I always thought I would not pass 30. But I did. And I’m still here.

But lately something is pushing from the inside of me, I guess. I’m still empty, for the biggest part. But I feel the need to start doing things. It’s a bit hard to explain, it’s a combination of anger, frustration, of disliking the person I am. I can’t live the life anymore that I’m in. It’s a prison, and it’s killing me.

One thing is already taking place: my move. I will probably have moved completely end of August. Another thing is a course I subscribed for. In september I will go to a survival course in Sweden. It gives me a lot of doubts, can I do this, will I be able to level with the people? How do I get there? Is this the right thing to do? Yet I need to learn these things. I want to know how to survive. I want to be able to survive when I’m completely on my own, when things fall away or when a war breaks out. With all the things going on in the world, you can never be sure enough.

I’m having a few more vague plans. I want to do more martial arts. Train myself. I hope to manage once I live in the city again. And go training next to work. We’ll see, I guess time will tell. For now, I still feel empty, but a floating emptiness.

 

The storm is not over yet

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I feel the storm is not over yet. I think something might happen. Like something, as in an upcoming death. I don’t know exactly how or why or when, but I think my grandma is dying. Well, of course we’re all dying in the end, but maybe this will come like in soon.

She has been sick of a while (cancer in the throat) and she always talks about death (for over years), but somehow things seem to change.  I can’t exactly say how, but it’s different. She is maybe preparing to die, I don’t know. Sometimes people they know they are going to die somehow. I do not know, its just what I heard.

She asked about her insurance (which is way too low, a bit late to ask about but she never cared before) and about stuff (who wants to have this and that) and came this afternoon walking by (while my parents visited this morning). I don’t know. There’s something.

Maybe I am completely wrong, and maybe it’s weird and not nice to write about, but I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t talk about it to anyone, and it is bothering me. Because I have no idea how to deal with it, how to feel or what to do.

Because the worst thing is that I do not know if I really care. This sounds hard and rude, but the situation is really complicated. She wasn’t so nice to my parents. She made their life a bit like hell sometimes. It doesn’t seem that she ever accepted my dad , her son, or my mom. My dad was hit and told he couldn’t do anything right. My grandparents (grandfather is dead for some time) forbid him a lot. He didn’t want to see them again after he married my mom, but in my mom’s culture it’s not possible to ‘abandon your family’.Anyway, my moms from abroad and they dont seem to like abroad people. You know I could write about it for ages, of everything that happened but I don’t want to. Please just believe me that its complicated.

Now my parents will go to the family abroad soon. There’s not much people left here. Just me. Just one of my sisters. I have an aunt, her daughter, but complicated too: she never asks them, they don’t ask anything back. They just live beside and distant. Thats how it always went.

And I can’t help myself the questions:
WHat if something happens now?
What if she dies when my parents just left or want to leave?
She will stirr all the plans again.
She feels sorry about the things in the past I think, because of certain things she says sometimes. But she never said sorry, or admitted. She will talk like “look how nice and good I am”, but in the meantime, truth is different.And now she’s old and no one’s there.
And now she feels sorry. And is afraid to die. Her own relatives, a few alive, they are not in touch, because they dislike each other (well actually, it’s more like hate).

Anyway, I just keep wondering what is the truth.

And I know I will never really know.

And I know I will never know how to deal with this.

I feel her fear. I feel pain. I feel so much things, but they are not mine. And still they are strong. I feel anger. I feel the things that went wrong. I feel the things that happened and were not nice. I feel that she always wanted to hide them. I feel the past.

And I will never know.

I will always wonder how

And always wonder how to deal with this.

 

I feel like a bad person.

My last post was how I felt earlier today. How I’ve been feeling the last few weeks.
Of course that is just my feelings, and maybe not the truth. And now I feel bad. Bad about myself, that I express this way and that I feel and think this way.

One of the others that I felt pulling at me, is my mom.
But she’s not a bad person. She just doesn’t understand me. She has a different view on lilfe, she works different. And that’s all. But maybe that’s no reason to talk or write like I do. I feel bad; it’s not right.

Though she can be pushy and she is always a step in front. No matter what I do, it’s never enough, that is how I really feel, and always did. I am not like her. I can’t live life to her standards.

She had a really difficult life growing up. She’s not from here, and actually fled a bad familysituation and country. She married my dad, but my dad’s family is not nice neither. Honestly, my family is not cool; on one side there is a lot of alcohol abuse / mental abuse and neglect. On the other side it’s just mean people, mental abuse, and they only think about themselves but really do mean things but pretend to the outside world they are so nice. I could write about it for ages, it just makes me angry and sad.

So I should not blame my mom. It’s not her fault. She has a hard life enough already. She lost her mom last year, which was a huge toll. Her mom, my grandma, is/was one of the very few familymembers who are not mean and who do not abuse others. So I felt really, really bad for her.

Today I looked at my mom. She wants things to be very VERY clean. She kind of insisted to come to my new house. She did. She immediatly started cleaning. I dont like that. My standards are not high enough for her, and she makes me feel like I don’t do things right and her pace is just so high, that I have trouble to keep up. My body is not so strong, but she’s 25 years older. And I’m the weak one.

I didn’t grow up so nice. BUt it was not her fault. She really did what she could, but she had such a hard time to keep standing herself. She raised me almost alone. With this weird family situation – they stirred things up. I am so sorry, mom, I am sorry.

I just can’t be the person you want me to be. I just can’t.

 

 

Breathing in and breathing out

I’m cold, alone. I’m just a person on my own. Nothing means a thing to me, oh nothing means a thing to me.

But how can it hurt when nothing means a thing? That’s just how I feel. It’s just how I feel.
That was how I felt. Just how it felt. That was yesterday, and now it’s time to move on.

I’m “busy” with preparations for ‘the move’.
I want to do it slowly and peaceful, because I have a hard time hanging on to life.

But, of course, I don’t get this space. Others pulling at me and trying to decide my schedule. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS.
They don’t understand depression. They don’t understand apathy. They don’t give me the space. They don’t listen. It’s my life. My place. My move. it’s MINE.

But it doesn’t look like that. I can’t fight it, I’m too tired. Everyone has opinions about how I should do it and when and whatever.

. My opinion doesn’t matter. My schedule doesn’t matter. My pace doesn’t matter. My peace of mind appearantly doesn’t matter. And so on, and on. And with all these things, I cant help myself but get the message that I do not matter.

I’m glad I will move, and live on a distance from all those people. All I wanted is this to be a nice proces. BUt it’s taken from me. Taken like so much more.

I can’t talk about it. They don’t understand. We will get a fight.

I’m tired. I’m sick of this. Angry too.

I feel like i want to dissapear.

Just be a void, float in the air, emptiness hurts, a void can hurt too, but some moments I so badly wish I could float in nothingness. Makes sense right?

Emptiness hurts

Emptiness doesn’t sound so bad as it actually feels. I mean, empty as in nothing as in apathy or something, I don’t know how to describe it exactly. But nothing doesn’t seem to have a ‘load’ , so how can nothing be anything negative? It sounds neutral, so not positive and not negative.

Emptiness is empty. Like a void. Like nothing. So how can it have something negative, because it should be nothing, like neutral? Does it still make sense or….?

I feel pretty empty lately. Not only empty, also apathetic.I see the summer, but I don’t feel it. I see the sun shine, but I don’t feel it. I see green trees, blue skies, but I don’t feel it.

And I don’t care.

I’m seperated from the world again. I notice the distance growing.

At work, things fall into a void.I don’t care anymore. I don’t feel anything nice anymore. Appearantly it doesn’t matter if you notice problems or things that don’t go well. Appearantly it doesn’t matter if you mention them and try to solve them or not – doesn’t make any difference. The only things that seem to matter are stupid things that don’t make sense to me. I could mention lots of examples: but I’m too tired. It costs too much energy to write.

I have food everyday. I can shower. I can sleep in a bed. But I don’t really care. I don’t feel anything. It’s just something that is there, but without any feeling. Without any load.

I’m in a relationship. But I don’t feel it. Love is far away , distant. And I say this with pain in my heart, but I don’t feel it- I am so sorry love. I know that I love you, but I don’t feel anything now. I am so sorry. How could you even live with me, if this is who I am?If this is how I am?

It’s like something in a museum you can’t touch. It’s far, distant. I don’t feel it right now.

It’s just there.

I have a new house. I should move. Should make it a nice place. Should act. I don’t care. Everything is empty.

I should make future plans and goals. Things I really like to do. But I can’t care – it’s empty, far, I don’t feel it. I dont see it.

I am empty.

I am such an empty person.

I feel empty.

because I am.

And it hurts.

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The wedding

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I was invited to attend this wedding. Usually I avoid and skip these things.
But you can’t do that all the time.

I tried to have fun. I tried to be normal. But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t blend in with the people, or the atmosphere. This huge distance.
I couldn’t talk and socialize and act funny and nice.

All I could do, was to stand aside , on a distance.
Observing. Trying to blend in. Trying to be like them.

But no matter what, it didn’t work.

I felt better in the darkness of the night.

From a distance.

Well, I tried. It just didn’t work out.