Struggles turning into battles?

Right now, I find myself in a place where I don’t want to be.

I feel nauseaus in my stomach, my body feels stressed, my breath is not in my stomach but high almost in my throat. I feel shaky and bad.

What happened? Yeah, what happened.
This week I had to go to 4 hours of work a day. It seems that it is too much. It costs me a lot of energy and even if it’s just one hour a day, it really seems to be too much.
Anyway.
Yesterday it went wrong, I had a lot of anxiety and stress reactions even before work started. I didn’t really do anything at work. I notice this in my breahting, trembling of my hand, and kind of panic or anxiety attacks. I know they make no sense, but they happen.

Today was a little bit better, but I did not do any work, and I left one hour earlier, I went back to 3 hours and that will be the case next week, unless it goes really well and I can make it to 4. Agreed on this in a talk with manager and someone who was my coach in the past yesterday.

I called the job agency to tell them this. Like inform. But the phonecall was not so nice. It made me feel so much worse. I just told them that I couldnt make it up to the schedule and 4 hours a day and that it seemed to much, so we went one hour down again. But then – I don’t recall it exactly, but the main points were –
-I had to realize that people do actually care about me and try to help me, and that they do what they can. I said I knew that, and yes I know that.
-I am unhappy, I said that agreed on that. It’s just true, I am not happy right now.
– I have to ask myself if I want to stay there for the last 2 months I’m supposed to. Because maybe it would be enough for my employer and they would want to end it. Yeah of course they want to get rid of someone who is disfunctioning and sick. But why say this? Is it a way of telling me they want to get rid of me now? They rather see me go than stay?
-they dont want me to drop out for 100%. We’re working to get myself better and ready for another job, not becoming worse. Yeah well……all of this is a bit mixed up now probably, but then

And then telling me not to worry and relax in the weekend. And we’ll see again next week.

But now, I feel so much worse.

  • Does this mean they want to get rid of me now, and that my recovery doesnt go fast enough?
  • Does this mean they think I am not doing my best?
  • Does this mean they want to get rid of me?
  • Does this mean they hope I will quit myself now
  • Does this mean ………like what?

I really don’t see it. I just know that my stress reactions in my body go up right now, and I feel really not nice.

Do I see things wrong?

I am doing my best not to feel worse, but I feel tensed, and my body is full of stress and not nice feelings in my stomach. I don’t want to eat, but I’m hungry. (all week, almost). I feel instable, like I can collapse sometimes. These I think are signs of stress and anxiety.

What am I supposed to do?

I just hope this was a bad week or a bad few days and it turns better next week, but really, I don’t know how to think, what to think or how to behave. I just wish I knew where to find something or someone that can help me. But I don’t , really.

I see the nurse again in 2 weeks. She told me if it doesn’t go it doesn’t go. Easy as that. And then I just call in sick. But that does not really fix things right. I have to improve at a certain point. I just don;’t know anymore right now.

All I know is that I don’t feel particularly good after this last phonecall.

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The interview from last post did not lead to a different job. That was really okay actually, because I was not sure if this would be a better job for me.

I’m really struggling at work. And with life.

Work is really so not nice. It takes so much energy to pass just 3 hours a day at the moment. This was the first week of 3 hours a day. And I’m not even really doing something. How am I going to make it to the end of July? I tried to get holidays in July because I still have hours, but the question is if there is space to give me off. Blah.

I am not sure if I want another job.

I am not sure where I want to go, or what I want to do.

I don’t know what is wise to decide; stay called in sick or call in better for a while and get unemployment pay, but lots of other things I have to do. Or quit everything myself and just go and not have any money.

Sometimes I feel a bit angry and I hate money and all this pressure and these rules.

It doesn’t matter how hard you work, at least not in my case, because where did it lead me? Nowhere. I can’t even be safe moneywise or house-wise.What’s the point? Really.

All I can think of now, is that I would like to be somewhere with a tent on a piece of grass, with a view on water and trees, blue skies and some sun, and not worry about anything. That is what I want. And I want it to last. Not just for 4 days.

Trying to figure things out (again and again)

Lately I still have a lot of trouble to write, but I’m trying. Trying to clear things up for myself and trying to get out of this negative atmosphere, because depression is attacking me again. It’s like fighting a battle with an invisible enemy; it’s always lurking around, but you never know when it’s going to strike. You can’t really prepare, because it gets you in unexpected moments. It has been like that for a while. And maybe, when I’m honest, and if I see things right, my life has actually been like that for the last 15 years. Maybe more.

Right now I’ve been three weeks at home from work, and honestly? I don’t really mind. I don’t miss work. And I am not even sure if I even want to go back. But I find it hard to ‘calm down’ and relax.In 1,5 week I have to see a doctor about this. I have no clue what the outcome will be. He or she seems to be the only one who is allowed to give any decent advice.

The last few weeks I’m going a bit up and down, from neutral to down to okayish to down and back and forth. Sometimes I get grumpy for no good reason, and sometimes I have this weird ‘everything is too much’ in my head that really gives me insane behaviour and I walk around like crazy and have these weird sensations in my body. This is something I find superhard to control. Overall, I’m just tired and I tend to sleep all the time, but I don’t allow myself. I know it’s no good.

But there are a few things I want to change. Like a long time, I want to change. But I don’t really succeed. At least never for long. I don’t know why, but I seem to have a big big lack of motivation, of willpower. I just don’t understand how other people can keep up with things.

I have to figure out what I want. What my qualities are, and what kind of job would suit me or what I would like. Now that doesn’t sound so difficult, but it is. I don’t really know.

A couple of weeks ago I got myself an indoboard to train my balance, which I try to do regularly but it is still hard for me. I hope I can keep this up. My balance is not so great. Also, a couple of days ago I was at my parents house and they have a scale. I know I’m a bit on the heavy side, but I don’t have a scale and I don’t want to feel worse about myself so I never check. But I couldn’t help myself and weighed myself. Oops.  It has never been so high. This is bad. Like yeah, not good at all. I should at least lose 20 kilo’s. But I can’t really seem to lose weight. Like I have a hard time to let things go, my body also seems not really to be able to ‘let go’.

I have quit Jiu Jitsu a while ago. It was too difficult to make it all the time to get there (thanks to work a bit as well) and I’ve been feeling soooo disconnected from the others and making no progress, that it was too much frustration for me. I hadn’t been there in ages so I decided to stop, because I was paying for more than 6 months without having been there. It took a while but I finally managed to quit it officially.

Last week I bought a suspension trainer to hope to start a regular exercise and get my body in shape. So I have an option to train inside at home too. Still have to figure out how to attach it. Anyway, I just hope I will manage something. Because way back, I used to practise a lot of sports and it just feels so much better to be in shape. But to get there, seems like an almost impossible thing. I’m so tired, and so not in shape.

So far my inside thoughts. I will try to write something positive next time.

 

The vertigo-shut down

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So. Here I am, again. Not that anyone really missed me. I’m talking into a big, wide world where the words I use, dissapear into nothingness. They flow to the end of the street, into the darkness. They dissapear around the corner, and I stay behind staring at the lights, and empty street and the corner where the words just went.

-Okay, that’s not completely true – but that is how things feel.-

Since the beginning of August I’ve been dealing with some health issues -starting with vertigo. I was so lucky to get struck by things thing called vestibular neuronitis, also goes by neuritis or labyrinthis. I’ve been really ‘out’ of things thanks to this thing that made functioning a bit ‘normal’ impossible.

I had a panic attack which made me feel ashamed of myself. My body charges to ’tilt’ sometimes when I feel things im my body that are ‘not good’, thanks to my pulmonary embolism-experience in the past. I know it, and still it is so hard to fight.

On top of that I also had some kind of allergy crisis that is still going on. I have some nosespray for it and it goes better slowly, but my health is something that worries me a bit lately. The doctor things stress plays a big part. Which could be true, though I’m trying to keep that down.

I had to shorten my holidays because of it, and even though I didn’t really have money for holidays I went to France to meet again with love. I was lucky to be a few days in the mountains again. I feel different in the mountains. I am more happy there.

Now, I’m back in the city. In my job that could be slowly killing me. I’ve been saying so long that I need to find another job. And yet I keep failing. I started working on my resume, but so far there is nothing else to mention. I am just slow, I guess.

I have very less shifts at work, because of cuts I get very less hours. Which just pays all the bills, but nothing more. It worries me a bit, and I try not to worry.

I’m in doubts wheter to start Jiu Jitsu again, because I haven’t gone there for almost 6 months now and I don’t know where my motivation is, but it seems gone. It’s just empty, neutral, ‘i dont know and i dont care’.

So yeah, here I’m sitting. I don’t know and I don’t care.

But I try you know, I really try.

I just fail sometimes. Or mostly sometimes.But I try.

The trainaccident.

Like usual after work, I take the train home. Yesterday I was happy to be off a bit earlier since I didn’t feel so great, and I took the train home. Yet this trainride, which usually takes 20 minutes, took 2,5 hours almost.

I was in a train that hit a person. The person did not survive. I don’t know if it was suicide or an accident, but I know the railwaycrossing is a ‘closed’ one; with those bars. And they were down.

Suddenly the train started to brake – but against these things I guess you can’t stop in time. There was a hit, and a lot of other sounds. It was obvious we hit something; and
I saw things flying from under the train. Things like a black small wheel, a brown big thing which looked like some kind of pillow, lots of stones (from the railwaytrack), other iron bars and some more little parts (which were maybe parts of a human body- I’m not sure it went all so fast).

The train stopped. Moments of silence. The traindriver giving the message, with a trembled voice: we just hit a person. We’re going to see if we can give first aid.

But first aid with a hit like that, I guess the chance of survival isn’t much. All I could think of is that whoever was under the train, had no chance of survival. And that I later learned, was the truth.

After standing on the railway in the middle of nowhere for a long time, with a lot of firemen, police and other people who ‘clean it up’, we were escorted out of the train to a bus that came to pick us up. We had to walk along the track into the direction of the actual hit. I didn’t want to look- I didn’t want to see anything more than I already saw. I guess I was afraid to see things, I mean, it was still a real person, and his or her life just ended in one or two seconds, and I was a witness of that. I heard, I felt, and I know. That’s such a strange thing to know. Boom, a life away in a flash. Just gone, poof, just like that.

I feel sorry. Sorry for that person. Sorry for the relatives, friends, beloved ones. Sorry for the traindriver, who saw way more then I did. Sorry for the people who saw it.

It’s maybe cruel to say, but I did wonder before how it’s like when things like this happen. I never really wanted to found out, these are not the things you would like to witness.But now I know anyway. The way it goes, the sounds, the feelings. The sensations. I had cold chills on my back while walking to the bus.

I stayed home from work today, I called in sick. I just said I couldn’t work, that I was sick.

It’s true that I was sick yesterday evening and during the night, now I’m not really sick sick and I slept, the whole thing didn’t keep me from sleeping. I don’t seem to feel particularly bad or something. But I was just not capable of going to work this morning.

Now I feel guilty I stayed at home. I’m able to work – but, also knowing that I would have a difficult day and I might have come back sick today if I would have gone.
Now I took care of myself right before getting real sick; but it makes me feel guilty. And I know how that doesn’t make sense. I feel weak, like I’m a person with a weak immune system, with lower energy levels, who calls in sick too quickly. In this world, it doesn’t seem to be about wellbeing. Yet I don’t really get why I know I should not feel guilty, I still do.

I seem to always have to be able to operate. And a moment like the train accident just makes me think: is it really worth it? Is it so bad to have to stop for a moment?

Sometimes the world stops for someone, and yet it just continues like nothing happens around. I don’t get where my head goes, and maybe the story doesn’t make sense.

 

My fortune is freedom

No one yelling, no one trying to make the most profits without being honest,
No pushing and screaming, no mean words,
No rushing and the fight to always be the best and on top.
No rat race, no fighting about a place, or a right to exist,
No war just to have your own little space, warmth, food, and such.

I wish it wasn’t this way, but it seems to get just more and more,
So I run away sometimes, to a place where those things don’t want to be.

There is just silence, the stories of nature and the rain.
The sun and the moon and the stars
Animals, plants, easy and rough terrain.

There, I find peace in myself, and peace with the world.
It’s still not easy, but I won’t regret
You see, that is my world that is hidden from the rest,
The one that keeps me sane.

I just wish, that that was the world I would live in

Every single day.

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Something I don’t like to talk about

As the title says, I’m going to write about something I don’t like to talk – or write – about.

I don’t know exactly why, but somehow this subject is a bit sensitive for me.

When I was born, I was born as a woman. I’m still a woman. I’m okay with being a woman. Maybe, or very likely, I’m not the stereotype or standard version, but that doesn’t make me something else. Fine so far.

And, just to be clear about how I feel: I don’t feel the need or desire to be a man or something else. I’m fine with the way things are. I don’t feel the need or desire to have a different body. Yes, I have a relationship with another woman, but I don’t see myself as a lesbian or homosexual. I just see mutual love, respect, understanding of the soul. I don’t see relationships as in physical desire, I don’t even particularly like sex, that’s another ‘issue’ but more about that later. I always try to understand how this works for others, because if you believe the media and some common ‘street’ talk, the first thing people do is look and they feel attraction by the physical, often. Not always, but this is what it seems to me , what is the most common way it happens. Correct me if I’m wrong.

Somehow I also notice that most people feel the need to classify man or woman, or how one should look like. I guess you could probably call me more like the androgyne type. I’m none of both and yet both. I have female things in my body and male things in my body – okay everyone has, one more than the other. It doesn’t really matter, and yet it does. This is so full of contrasts.

So. I have more a male body shape, broad shoulders, big and strong, nothing curvy, fluent or however you call those shapes. And (eeks) I have to pull out some hair from my chin and belly, dark black thick hairs. They always come back. My shoe size is too big to buy woman shoes and the shape of my body doesn’t fit in the clothes they make for women. Women’s jeans are halfway my backside so you see half of the underpants, and shirts are always too short that it looks like you wear a shirt bikinistyle. As well, in blouses, shirts, sweaters and so every, my shoulders never fit in. That’s why I often end up buying men’s clothes or unisex or sports gear. I don’t like high heals and I don’t like dresses, so I don’t feel the need to fit in them or buy them. Even if I wanted to – it would not be possible with my body shape.

But those things, can make you a target. Not that I ever really was, but I do notice it in slightly hidden things. Somehow people do not dare to say it to me, but I bet they think so much more. Or maybe talk behind my back – I guess I will never really know. I remember not long ago, when at work there was a meeting about the future at work, and we had to work in groups with people. You had to describe the people in your group based on a little story you told (a story about something that you carry with you). I talked about my pocketknife, that I carry it to cut fruits at work, but that it’s also important gear in outdoor world.I had it for everything but agressive meanings: for me it’s not a weapon at all. It could, but that’s not how I see it. All of the people described me with things as the eager to know or to learn, being prepared.  One guy, who I don’t know so well, described me as ‘boyish’. That’s all that came to his mind. I saw everyone looking at me from the corners of my eye. I didn’t really know what to say or how to react. All I did was look at him and say: if that is what you think about me, then that is what you think. And so the day went on. But I still felt uncomfortable and it made me think. Yes, I wear men’s clothes, I don’t paint my nails and don’t wear make-up and such, but because I’m more neutral, does that make me boyish?

I admit that I am very happy with internetshopping. I don’t like to go in a store and get clothes in the men’s department. It makes me feel ashamed. You get weird faces. Questions.

And still the answer is: No, I don’t want to be a man, I’m a woman. (Just because it has to have a name, but yeah, I prefer to just call myself a human being).

Why do we seperate men and women clothes? Can’t we just wear what fits good and what we like? Why do there have to be different devided sections in stores, or words that label something as ‘men’ or female’?

I never understood why there is this ‘difference’ in sexes. Like why it should matter if someone is a man or a woman, or whatever in between or out. I don’t really see the ‘difference’ between men and women. Everyone is a person to me. I see people in persons. Yeah, of course, I classify too – male/female/something else. But I don’t understand this load of the word, to classify, or to……I’m sorry, I can’t really express myself well here (maybe that’s my lack of English). I just hope you get what I mean to say here.

I don’t even understand why there is a seperate toilet for men and women. I mean come on, in the end what comes out is the same. Then there are these stories about that its dangerous to put them together, because of sexual harrassment and such. But is this really, really happening when you have unisex toilets? Bad people are in every section of the human race. Isn’t this something we try to keep up with media images and stuff like that? Somehow I can’t see or understand this, because I see us all of the same kind. So if you have a different opinion about it, please feel free to share – even if I don’t agree, I’m interested to hear yours about this.Isn’t it just something we tend to keep alive because we are afraid or whatever? I really don’t get it.

And with that other related stuff; sex. A lot of advertisements and things are so focussed on looking beautiful (as in sexy) or sex minded. If you have to believe media and advertisements and series, a lot of guys are out for sex. Are men really that sex-minded? Is it really that all they think about, and that is what drives their lives? Is that why they are ‘dangerous’ and we have to seperate men and women? This part is so difficult to understand for me because I don’t see or feel things this way.

So, back to something that is not the point, I am a human being.
I’m born as a woman, and somehow I always struggle with myself and my appearance. I’m not particularly looking good, female, or sexy, or something else. I’m just me, I guess. I don’t know how to describe myself.

I am probably difficult in relationships – I had very less. And I never cared much about the physical thing, about sex. I could easily live without it. I care more about love in a different way. It’s not that I’m cold, sometimes I like to hug, and cuddle. But I can’t see why sex is so important in a relationship, simply because I don’t feel it. This is a point that I’m afraid makes me maybe weird or what frustrates my partner. I’m in a relationship now , but somehow I feel like I miss something and I can’t give my love what she might need.I know sex is important for her. And that’s something I can rarely ‘give’. I don’t even know if I could call myself asexual. Because I had sex, so I’m not sure if that counts. I just try to understand the world around me in these things, but I can’t really get hold of it.

Maybe it should not matter, but yet, somehow it bothers me. And it bothers me that I can’t exactly express myself the way I want, but I hope you get the meaning of the post. I guess it goes from one thing to another, and it’s not really coherent, but it’s related for me.

With saying that, I appreciate you took the time to read all of this.