Pills, pills, pills.

On my desk, right in front of me, there is a white box. A box with pills. Antidepressants.
I’m staring at it, like it’s a monster that changes everything, that is a key to another world. But really, that does not make sense because there’s no proof it will or will not. For now it’s just a box with pills. Nothing positive, nothing negative.

And yet I find it so weird. This box. These pills. This maybe-things-will-change-for-good-or-worse. The I-will-be-one-of-the-antidepressant-people. My head goes into a place where there are messages that were in the news saying things like: “Too much people get antidepressants too easily and they don’t really need them”, and things like that. Am I one of them? Or do I really need them? I don’t know. How do you decide? There is so much opinions about that. I just don’t know.

Anyway, I will not start them before a couple of weeks since I can’t avoid driving a car next week and in two weeks. Both the warning sticker and the doctor told me not to drive for two weeks. And also I thought it’s better to start them when I see someone sometimes, like my psychologist. Since I don’t have an appointment for the next three weeks, I will not start now. Did I justify myself enough?

Assuming there is never a really a good day to start them anyway, I will start them just in the start of my new job. Recently I found a new job that starts in a couple of weeks. I guess it’s the best I can do – I just hope things are not going to be messed up.

 

 

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The tornado of pain

Going from neutral to low. From low to neutral. And down again to low. It’s tiring to have to make so much effort to stay neutral. I’m trying. Really. I try to follow the advice of my new psychologist – but it’s hard and I already forgot half of what she said.

That head of mine.

Sometimes I have these thoughts in my head, and they maybe make me sound insane, but I guess they are just there because I think I’m in pain.

Then I think I wish I would drink, or I would have been an alcoholic, because then I would drink until I would feel completely numb. Or I think that if I would have been a user of drugs, I would take so much I would be completely out of this world. Sometimes I do wonder how it feels to take cocaine, or heroin, or stuff like that. If it really feels so good that you can’t resist it. Because honestly, I can not imagine that something feels so good that you want nothing else anymore. I can’t imagine that exists. At least not right now.

But I’m none of those. So it will not happen. And I  guess I just have these thoughts because I’m in pain. Or I think I am, but I don’t really know why.

 

 

But I guess I’ll do what the nurse and the new psychologist both said. The nurse said it several times even, also stating she’s not particularly fond of medication. But they both told me they thought it would be good for me to go in for medication. So I made an appointment at the doctor, to ask for an antidepressant.

It’s not that I’m totally against it, but there is a huge block for me. Because last time I was on this stuff and due some circumstances I had to stop at once, there was no help. Nor the hospital nor the mental health service was there. They would just point at each other.  I was completely on my own. And I promised myself that would never happen again. Because it is so horrible. I never want to go through that again.

So I feel a bit stuck. Stuck to not have it. Stuck to have to get it again and taking the risk of something I never want to happen again.

 

 

 

Struggles turning into battles?

Right now, I find myself in a place where I don’t want to be.

I feel nauseaus in my stomach, my body feels stressed, my breath is not in my stomach but high almost in my throat. I feel shaky and bad.

What happened? Yeah, what happened.
This week I had to go to 4 hours of work a day. It seems that it is too much. It costs me a lot of energy and even if it’s just one hour a day, it really seems to be too much.
Anyway.
Yesterday it went wrong, I had a lot of anxiety and stress reactions even before work started. I didn’t really do anything at work. I notice this in my breahting, trembling of my hand, and kind of panic or anxiety attacks. I know they make no sense, but they happen.

Today was a little bit better, but I did not do any work, and I left one hour earlier, I went back to 3 hours and that will be the case next week, unless it goes really well and I can make it to 4. Agreed on this in a talk with manager and someone who was my coach in the past yesterday.

I called the job agency to tell them this. Like inform. But the phonecall was not so nice. It made me feel so much worse. I just told them that I couldnt make it up to the schedule and 4 hours a day and that it seemed to much, so we went one hour down again. But then – I don’t recall it exactly, but the main points were –
-I had to realize that people do actually care about me and try to help me, and that they do what they can. I said I knew that, and yes I know that.
-I am unhappy, I said that agreed on that. It’s just true, I am not happy right now.
– I have to ask myself if I want to stay there for the last 2 months I’m supposed to. Because maybe it would be enough for my employer and they would want to end it. Yeah of course they want to get rid of someone who is disfunctioning and sick. But why say this? Is it a way of telling me they want to get rid of me now? They rather see me go than stay?
-they dont want me to drop out for 100%. We’re working to get myself better and ready for another job, not becoming worse. Yeah well……all of this is a bit mixed up now probably, but then

And then telling me not to worry and relax in the weekend. And we’ll see again next week.

But now, I feel so much worse.

  • Does this mean they want to get rid of me now, and that my recovery doesnt go fast enough?
  • Does this mean they think I am not doing my best?
  • Does this mean they want to get rid of me?
  • Does this mean they hope I will quit myself now
  • Does this mean ………like what?

I really don’t see it. I just know that my stress reactions in my body go up right now, and I feel really not nice.

Do I see things wrong?

I am doing my best not to feel worse, but I feel tensed, and my body is full of stress and not nice feelings in my stomach. I don’t want to eat, but I’m hungry. (all week, almost). I feel instable, like I can collapse sometimes. These I think are signs of stress and anxiety.

What am I supposed to do?

I just hope this was a bad week or a bad few days and it turns better next week, but really, I don’t know how to think, what to think or how to behave. I just wish I knew where to find something or someone that can help me. But I don’t , really.

I see the nurse again in 2 weeks. She told me if it doesn’t go it doesn’t go. Easy as that. And then I just call in sick. But that does not really fix things right. I have to improve at a certain point. I just don;’t know anymore right now.

All I know is that I don’t feel particularly good after this last phonecall.

S-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g

The interview from last post did not lead to a different job. That was really okay actually, because I was not sure if this would be a better job for me.

I’m really struggling at work. And with life.

Work is really so not nice. It takes so much energy to pass just 3 hours a day at the moment. This was the first week of 3 hours a day. And I’m not even really doing something. How am I going to make it to the end of July? I tried to get holidays in July because I still have hours, but the question is if there is space to give me off. Blah.

I am not sure if I want another job.

I am not sure where I want to go, or what I want to do.

I don’t know what is wise to decide; stay called in sick or call in better for a while and get unemployment pay, but lots of other things I have to do. Or quit everything myself and just go and not have any money.

Sometimes I feel a bit angry and I hate money and all this pressure and these rules.

It doesn’t matter how hard you work, at least not in my case, because where did it lead me? Nowhere. I can’t even be safe moneywise or house-wise.What’s the point? Really.

All I can think of now, is that I would like to be somewhere with a tent on a piece of grass, with a view on water and trees, blue skies and some sun, and not worry about anything. That is what I want. And I want it to last. Not just for 4 days.

Trying to figure things out (again and again)

Lately I still have a lot of trouble to write, but I’m trying. Trying to clear things up for myself and trying to get out of this negative atmosphere, because depression is attacking me again. It’s like fighting a battle with an invisible enemy; it’s always lurking around, but you never know when it’s going to strike. You can’t really prepare, because it gets you in unexpected moments. It has been like that for a while. And maybe, when I’m honest, and if I see things right, my life has actually been like that for the last 15 years. Maybe more.

Right now I’ve been three weeks at home from work, and honestly? I don’t really mind. I don’t miss work. And I am not even sure if I even want to go back. But I find it hard to ‘calm down’ and relax.In 1,5 week I have to see a doctor about this. I have no clue what the outcome will be. He or she seems to be the only one who is allowed to give any decent advice.

The last few weeks I’m going a bit up and down, from neutral to down to okayish to down and back and forth. Sometimes I get grumpy for no good reason, and sometimes I have this weird ‘everything is too much’ in my head that really gives me insane behaviour and I walk around like crazy and have these weird sensations in my body. This is something I find superhard to control. Overall, I’m just tired and I tend to sleep all the time, but I don’t allow myself. I know it’s no good.

But there are a few things I want to change. Like a long time, I want to change. But I don’t really succeed. At least never for long. I don’t know why, but I seem to have a big big lack of motivation, of willpower. I just don’t understand how other people can keep up with things.

I have to figure out what I want. What my qualities are, and what kind of job would suit me or what I would like. Now that doesn’t sound so difficult, but it is. I don’t really know.

A couple of weeks ago I got myself an indoboard to train my balance, which I try to do regularly but it is still hard for me. I hope I can keep this up. My balance is not so great. Also, a couple of days ago I was at my parents house and they have a scale. I know I’m a bit on the heavy side, but I don’t have a scale and I don’t want to feel worse about myself so I never check. But I couldn’t help myself and weighed myself. Oops.  It has never been so high. This is bad. Like yeah, not good at all. I should at least lose 20 kilo’s. But I can’t really seem to lose weight. Like I have a hard time to let things go, my body also seems not really to be able to ‘let go’.

I have quit Jiu Jitsu a while ago. It was too difficult to make it all the time to get there (thanks to work a bit as well) and I’ve been feeling soooo disconnected from the others and making no progress, that it was too much frustration for me. I hadn’t been there in ages so I decided to stop, because I was paying for more than 6 months without having been there. It took a while but I finally managed to quit it officially.

Last week I bought a suspension trainer to hope to start a regular exercise and get my body in shape. So I have an option to train inside at home too. Still have to figure out how to attach it. Anyway, I just hope I will manage something. Because way back, I used to practise a lot of sports and it just feels so much better to be in shape. But to get there, seems like an almost impossible thing. I’m so tired, and so not in shape.

So far my inside thoughts. I will try to write something positive next time.

 

The vertigo-shut down

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So. Here I am, again. Not that anyone really missed me. I’m talking into a big, wide world where the words I use, dissapear into nothingness. They flow to the end of the street, into the darkness. They dissapear around the corner, and I stay behind staring at the lights, and empty street and the corner where the words just went.

-Okay, that’s not completely true – but that is how things feel.-

Since the beginning of August I’ve been dealing with some health issues -starting with vertigo. I was so lucky to get struck by things thing called vestibular neuronitis, also goes by neuritis or labyrinthis. I’ve been really ‘out’ of things thanks to this thing that made functioning a bit ‘normal’ impossible.

I had a panic attack which made me feel ashamed of myself. My body charges to ’tilt’ sometimes when I feel things im my body that are ‘not good’, thanks to my pulmonary embolism-experience in the past. I know it, and still it is so hard to fight.

On top of that I also had some kind of allergy crisis that is still going on. I have some nosespray for it and it goes better slowly, but my health is something that worries me a bit lately. The doctor things stress plays a big part. Which could be true, though I’m trying to keep that down.

I had to shorten my holidays because of it, and even though I didn’t really have money for holidays I went to France to meet again with love. I was lucky to be a few days in the mountains again. I feel different in the mountains. I am more happy there.

Now, I’m back in the city. In my job that could be slowly killing me. I’ve been saying so long that I need to find another job. And yet I keep failing. I started working on my resume, but so far there is nothing else to mention. I am just slow, I guess.

I have very less shifts at work, because of cuts I get very less hours. Which just pays all the bills, but nothing more. It worries me a bit, and I try not to worry.

I’m in doubts wheter to start Jiu Jitsu again, because I haven’t gone there for almost 6 months now and I don’t know where my motivation is, but it seems gone. It’s just empty, neutral, ‘i dont know and i dont care’.

So yeah, here I’m sitting. I don’t know and I don’t care.

But I try you know, I really try.

I just fail sometimes. Or mostly sometimes.But I try.

The trainaccident.

Like usual after work, I take the train home. Yesterday I was happy to be off a bit earlier since I didn’t feel so great, and I took the train home. Yet this trainride, which usually takes 20 minutes, took 2,5 hours almost.

I was in a train that hit a person. The person did not survive. I don’t know if it was suicide or an accident, but I know the railwaycrossing is a ‘closed’ one; with those bars. And they were down.

Suddenly the train started to brake – but against these things I guess you can’t stop in time. There was a hit, and a lot of other sounds. It was obvious we hit something; and
I saw things flying from under the train. Things like a black small wheel, a brown big thing which looked like some kind of pillow, lots of stones (from the railwaytrack), other iron bars and some more little parts (which were maybe parts of a human body- I’m not sure it went all so fast).

The train stopped. Moments of silence. The traindriver giving the message, with a trembled voice: we just hit a person. We’re going to see if we can give first aid.

But first aid with a hit like that, I guess the chance of survival isn’t much. All I could think of is that whoever was under the train, had no chance of survival. And that I later learned, was the truth.

After standing on the railway in the middle of nowhere for a long time, with a lot of firemen, police and other people who ‘clean it up’, we were escorted out of the train to a bus that came to pick us up. We had to walk along the track into the direction of the actual hit. I didn’t want to look- I didn’t want to see anything more than I already saw. I guess I was afraid to see things, I mean, it was still a real person, and his or her life just ended in one or two seconds, and I was a witness of that. I heard, I felt, and I know. That’s such a strange thing to know. Boom, a life away in a flash. Just gone, poof, just like that.

I feel sorry. Sorry for that person. Sorry for the relatives, friends, beloved ones. Sorry for the traindriver, who saw way more then I did. Sorry for the people who saw it.

It’s maybe cruel to say, but I did wonder before how it’s like when things like this happen. I never really wanted to found out, these are not the things you would like to witness.But now I know anyway. The way it goes, the sounds, the feelings. The sensations. I had cold chills on my back while walking to the bus.

I stayed home from work today, I called in sick. I just said I couldn’t work, that I was sick.

It’s true that I was sick yesterday evening and during the night, now I’m not really sick sick and I slept, the whole thing didn’t keep me from sleeping. I don’t seem to feel particularly bad or something. But I was just not capable of going to work this morning.

Now I feel guilty I stayed at home. I’m able to work – but, also knowing that I would have a difficult day and I might have come back sick today if I would have gone.
Now I took care of myself right before getting real sick; but it makes me feel guilty. And I know how that doesn’t make sense. I feel weak, like I’m a person with a weak immune system, with lower energy levels, who calls in sick too quickly. In this world, it doesn’t seem to be about wellbeing. Yet I don’t really get why I know I should not feel guilty, I still do.

I seem to always have to be able to operate. And a moment like the train accident just makes me think: is it really worth it? Is it so bad to have to stop for a moment?

Sometimes the world stops for someone, and yet it just continues like nothing happens around. I don’t get where my head goes, and maybe the story doesn’t make sense.