Want-to-hide

I am scared, I guess. All I want to do is shut my phone off, crawl away in bed and not face anything.

I did not write for long. A lot happened. Too much to write out – I can’t seem to write anymore.

Anyway, I’m on sick leave. My contract ended. Somehow my sickleave was approved so I get money (kind of benefit, not much, but I get by). But I didn’t trust it. I searched and applied for jobs. I went for interview. Now I seem to get hired.

But I doubt so much. Is this job not too much too handle for me? Not too much pressure? Can my head handle this? I am already feeling stressed. They were not sure about hiring me, but they see potential so they decided to give me a chance. They doubted about my perfectionism, about the it takes time to get around peoplething, and I had to think about my clothes.

I am scared. What if I can not handle it? WHat if my head is not better? Appearantly , even if the last few weeks went well, I have so much trouble to hold on to normal life. I try, I’m too good to be sick but too not well to be good and go along with the flow. So I am scared. I think.

And:Yikes. Here is the moment I expected to happen. Clothes.

I usually just wear a jeans and a shirt, longsleeve or sweater. But very neutral. Thats how I feel the most comfy, and thats how I am I suppose.

Now I will have to change that.

I am so scared, that I tend to reject this job. But IF i let it go I dont know if I ever get in the job market again, and I avoided it instead of trying.

I just want to cry, to crawl under a blanket and not face anything. I just want to lie in my love’s arms , but she’s not there. She’s away for two months, doing some supercool adventure on her own. I am superproud of her. Really. This is what she wanted and I am glad she went, but I do miss her. She really keeps me a bit more sane, connected, stabilized to the world. Your world should not be one person, but she definitely makes my world so much more stable, nicer, easier to deal with everything in life.

(I feel like crying now that I can not deal with life and I feel like this, and at the same time I can curse myself for being such a wussy).

I can not be happy with the fact that I will have a job again in a while -i just feel my heart pounding and I feel a lack of air. I don’t have a lack of air, that’s just how it feels.

This is appearantly me.

Is this anxiety? Is this depression? Is this lack of self confidence? How do you deal with these kind of things. What can I try to make this a bit easier, or better? I am trying, but I don’t succeed so well.

I can always stop, if it doesn’t work. But that doesn’t make me feel relieved.

Argh. Argh. Argh.

 

 

When the sun goes down

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Sometimes,
or maybe just once,
all the colors of the world dissapear,
and you sink in to the deep
where there is no light

You sit on the bottom of the cave
and can’t fall deeper,
but can’t climb – you’re completely stuck

I don’t know what is worse,
but all I know is
that even if you’re on the bottom of the cave

and when the sun goes down
it does come up again
even if you can not bear the light.

The fire

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Why do they even call it the fire, when it’s not something that is literally burning?
Is it about the light? The warmth? The flame?

For a little while, life was so simple. All I had to take care of, was to get through the day, to find water, and food, and a shelter. To make it to the next place, or just make it through the day, but it’s a different making through the day as it is here. It’s kind of hard to explain, I don’t know how I can explain it with words, because they never have the load or the real meaning they have when it’s reality.

What is the fire inside of you?

What is the fire inside of me?

Can you answer this question for yourself? Can I answer this question for me?

The weird thing is that sometimes you think you know, but you are never sure. Or maybe you just assume. Or it changes, from time to time. I don’t know, I guess sometimes it’s just rather confusing.

Fire. What’s your fire? What’s my fire.

Is it the fire that keeps you moving?
Is it the fire that keeps you warm?
Or is it the fire that melts your heart?

I lost my heart because I found it.

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At the moment I made this photo, my heart was not there. I stood on the beach and cried.
I cried of being afraid, off all these miserable feelings, and because of missing my love.

My love just came to live with me. And I left soon after. Because I went to Sweden, where I went on a survival training.

I have a lot of trouble to ‘get back into the normal life’ again now. I can’t find my words, but I’m full of feelings and thoughts: I just can not express them.

But all I can say is: I love that life. I love survival. I know I can manage. I know I can do it. Even if my¬† mind thinks I can’t. I can.

I lost my heart, just because I found it.

Eating noodles

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On our couch
Staring through the window
Clear blue skies and the sun
Almost mesmerizing
Yet your sunshine, is not here.
So I go to sleep.

I get up, alone,your socks lying on the ground.
I take a shower, in an empty house, your sounds aren’t there.

I eat breakfast in silence and
Take the train to work.

When I come back It’s like the silent room,
I open the curtains, I sit on our couch for a while.
I warm up leftover noodles
Sit on the same couch

I am waiting, for you.

I don’t know.

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I’m not sure what is relevant and what is not. Or where to begin.
But I guess I feel hurt because I don’t know. And it’s frustrating me that I don’t know. But if this were easy, I would already have fixed it. But -again- I don’t know – where to begin, or how.

My love is here now. We live togehter. I am happy she is here. I am happy we are together.
But this month, we will not really be together: she is a few hours away till tuesday, on a course that’s part of her job. After she comes back, I will leave for 1,5 week to my survival course in Sweden. After that, we’ll be finally together. Together.

This weekend I’m off. She asked me to come. And what do I do? I still sit here, not moving.
Because work is cutting our hours, I don’t have much work or income. I have to be careful with money, but I still get by – there are just a lot of expenses somehow. She’s in a place I don’t really like because it’s superbusy and crowded (capitalcity). But I love her. And I enjoy being with her, just sitting next to each other is perfect for me.

And after our call yesterday I feel bad. It was not just about this. But it makes me think.

It has a point. I love her. Why am I not pushed to spend every hour, every minute I can to be with her? Why can’t I decide what I want, why is there this I don’t know? The I don’t know what to do?

Is it because I need my rest and preperation for next week? Is it because I don’t like the place too much? Is it because I feel a bit lost and depressed?

But I really don’t know. All I know is that I feel guilty. Guilty about this, towards her.

Really, sometimes I wish I was different.