When the sun goes down

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Sometimes,
or maybe just once,
all the colors of the world dissapear,
and you sink in to the deep
where there is no light

You sit on the bottom of the cave
and can’t fall deeper,
but can’t climb – you’re completely stuck

I don’t know what is worse,
but all I know is
that even if you’re on the bottom of the cave

and when the sun goes down
it does come up again
even if you can not bear the light.

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The fire

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Why do they even call it the fire, when it’s not something that is literally burning?
Is it about the light? The warmth? The flame?

For a little while, life was so simple. All I had to take care of, was to get through the day, to find water, and food, and a shelter. To make it to the next place, or just make it through the day, but it’s a different making through the day as it is here. It’s kind of hard to explain, I don’t know how I can explain it with words, because they never have the load or the real meaning they have when it’s reality.

What is the fire inside of you?

What is the fire inside of me?

Can you answer this question for yourself? Can I answer this question for me?

The weird thing is that sometimes you think you know, but you are never sure. Or maybe you just assume. Or it changes, from time to time. I don’t know, I guess sometimes it’s just rather confusing.

Fire. What’s your fire? What’s my fire.

Is it the fire that keeps you moving?
Is it the fire that keeps you warm?
Or is it the fire that melts your heart?

I lost my heart because I found it.

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At the moment I made this photo, my heart was not there. I stood on the beach and cried.
I cried of being afraid, off all these miserable feelings, and because of missing my love.

My love just came to live with me. And I left soon after. Because I went to Sweden, where I went on a survival training.

I have a lot of trouble to ‘get back into the normal life’ again now. I can’t find my words, but I’m full of feelings and thoughts: I just can not express them.

But all I can say is: I love that life. I love survival. I know I can manage. I know I can do it. Even if my¬† mind thinks I can’t. I can.

I lost my heart, just because I found it.

Eating noodles

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On our couch
Staring through the window
Clear blue skies and the sun
Almost mesmerizing
Yet your sunshine, is not here.
So I go to sleep.

I get up, alone,your socks lying on the ground.
I take a shower, in an empty house, your sounds aren’t there.

I eat breakfast in silence and
Take the train to work.

When I come back It’s like the silent room,
I open the curtains, I sit on our couch for a while.
I warm up leftover noodles
Sit on the same couch

I am waiting, for you.

I don’t know.

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I’m not sure what is relevant and what is not. Or where to begin.
But I guess I feel hurt because I don’t know. And it’s frustrating me that I don’t know. But if this were easy, I would already have fixed it. But -again- I don’t know – where to begin, or how.

My love is here now. We live togehter. I am happy she is here. I am happy we are together.
But this month, we will not really be together: she is a few hours away till tuesday, on a course that’s part of her job. After she comes back, I will leave for 1,5 week to my survival course in Sweden. After that, we’ll be finally together. Together.

This weekend I’m off. She asked me to come. And what do I do? I still sit here, not moving.
Because work is cutting our hours, I don’t have much work or income. I have to be careful with money, but I still get by – there are just a lot of expenses somehow. She’s in a place I don’t really like because it’s superbusy and crowded (capitalcity). But I love her. And I enjoy being with her, just sitting next to each other is perfect for me.

And after our call yesterday I feel bad. It was not just about this. But it makes me think.

It has a point. I love her. Why am I not pushed to spend every hour, every minute I can to be with her? Why can’t I decide what I want, why is there this I don’t know? The I don’t know what to do?

Is it because I need my rest and preperation for next week? Is it because I don’t like the place too much? Is it because I feel a bit lost and depressed?

But I really don’t know. All I know is that I feel guilty. Guilty about this, towards her.

Really, sometimes I wish I was different.

 

Happy clouds

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They were all ours, on this sunny day.

You and me, sitting on a terrace in the city center. It was one week and one day ago. I remember it perfectly. The day before I left. Inside I was sad because I know I would leave, and I didn’t want to. You were sitting on the opposite side. We were having lunch. The same dish. We would go to the museum after – the kind of museum I visited too often and made me impatient lately – I’m still sorry for that. I remember looking at you,- realizing how precious you are to me.

We walked in the park, and I remember how I wished it to be warmer so we could lie down in the grass. Like that time we did in Serbia when we were still the random friends, without knowing that we would really love each other deeply and be together more ‘seriously’. The grass, the sky, the sun, and how your head was on my leg and we just stared at the sky and talked and talked and just lay there, in the grass.

This was a difficult week for me. I tried to get distracted by work, but all where my mind went, was you. All I wanted was to be with you, instead of being here alone. That you would be there when I would come home from work and that I would cook for you. And we would go on a walk together next to the Garonne, on our secret path, or where ever we would be..

How I miss the most simple things the most. Just looking at you. Sitting next to you. Playing silly games with the Whalepillow. Going to the grocery store – watching a movie, walking outside in the sun…

How I realize how empty my life is without you. How dangerous that is, but I can’t help it. It’s dangerous to love someone deeply. It can be over in a second. It can be over, so unexpected. But I don’t want that to happen. You make the world so much more beautiful for me. And it’s also dangerous not to love. It’s both sides, like everything in life. But I can’t choose, because I just love you, it’s there and there is nothing I can do about that.

And every single day, I ask myself if I really had to take that plane. And go back to my job. Away from you again. Every single day.

Should I have said ‘fuck you work, I stay with my love’. Should I have let the plane go, to stay with my love. It’s terrible to have a distant love, and it’s beautiful at the same time. It could be worse, but it sometimes feels like hell to not be able to be together and not knowing when you can. I want to be with you, but I also want to be safe with you and be able to have our place, have the basic things, and not end up on the streets. I want that there is a future. For you, for me, for us.

Today, the clouds seem just like last week. We sitting on a terrace. But I’m sitting and typing on the computer, observing the sky from behind the window. You are probably at work, not being able to see the sky. But the sky is in the heart, and so it will be okay.