Can’t believe its just four days

Just four days ago, I woke up next to you. Now, I wake up alone again.

Feeling empty, and nothing seems to matter anymore.

My days pass, because of this crazy busy job, but my life is empty.

This is not my place. This is not my home. This is not my world.

I don’t know exactly where it is, but I know that things are becoming so empty when you are away again. I try to stay positive, but it’s hard. I guess the depression is far away, but maybe once it caught you, it will never completely stay away. It leaves a scar that never goes. But that’s okay.

I have too much questions. Future? Job? What I should do?

But I guess I know deep inside.

It’s about taking risks. Leaving everything behind. Letting go.

I don’t know why I have to prepare myself and just can’t do and go, so it takes a lot of time.

But this emptiness, sucks. This is not how life should be. THis is not how I want life to be.

 

_Perfect sadness

You stand,

alone,

covered in a war of clouds

where rain rules the day

and night causes day

a leafless tragedy

and all that could have been.

no time to think

The last few days have been very busy. I’ve been functioning as a kind of callcenter I guess, I never spend so much time making and answering phonecalls. The situation with my grandma is still not safe or well. She had couple of blood transfusions and other injections and more. Since the hospital system works there in a certain way, there is 24 hours a day someone with her, to make sure she gets food or can go to the bathroom. (In this country where I am now the nurses help you with these things, in her country, in a ‘affordable’ hospital, they appareantly don’t – which is sad)

I’m the only one of the family who stayed behind and isn’t there. It makes me feel guilty and weird to have stayed behind, but yet I’m in a very difficult position. A life never can go above work, that is for sure though. But the most important people are surrounding my grandma, and someone had to take care of things here too, which I do now. I truly hope this hospital bacteria is gone and my grandma can recover from everything, but I don’t dare to think of anything since it goes so up and down and her health is so poor. All I can do is hope for the best.

Tomorrow I start my new job – I have to attend 2 weeks of training first. If things turn out that I have to go to the country of my grandma as well, I will lose my job. I truly hope my grandma will recover, because the choice is difficult otherwise. Not to see her anymore and not say farewell or lose the job, and be broke soon and the government could see it as another extra reason to not help me and give benefits – because it is ‘my fault’ that I didn’t start the job. I would have so much more trouble to find a way to be able to live, it’s already hard now.

Seriously, Monsterworld this is- these choices are not fair. But everything is based on financial things and not on really helping people. Everything feels like punishment to me. I dont get this world, I dont want to understand this world. I feel rejected by “my own country” if you can ever speak of your own country.

All I have to do is find a way ‘out’.

Thoughts from the deep inside

Am I true to myself? Do I try to push my deepest dreams and wishes away?
Who am I? Who am I , really? What do I really want?

Somehow I think I’m not true to myself, it comes with moments, and I always question myself how true it exactly is.

People congratulate me with my -temporary / 2months- job, and I can’t feel happy with it – I’m like, it doesn’t fix anything. Actually, it just fixes something very temporary, I will put something on my resume, people think ‘oh, she is able to do something normal’ and I will have some money. But it’s just postponing and delaying something, its not a solution.

I’m sad it doesn’t solve my problems. I’m sad that everyone thinks this is the best.

Somewhere, deep inside, it makes me sad that I’ll go to work. Don’t get me wrong: I do not mind working at all. I’d rather work a bit, do a nice, meaningful job, that doesnt have bad influences on the world. It would be nice when it would fix something and make you happy. Give you possibilities of freedom and your own space, and this job doesn’t do that. In fact; it doesn’t give me any guarantees, because I’m some kind of ‘flexworker’ , I will have no guarantees for hours at all. So there’s no guarantee for a regular income, I will have to see and wait what it brings, can not expect anything.

I worked for 10 years, worked really hard, and where did it get me? There are no guarantees. There is no safety system. If you get lost, no one will help you out. The only thing that happens is that your basic existence will be made as difficult as possible.

More and more I doubt if this is the right thing to do. This job doesn’t fix anything. It will not make the world better. It will be a sentence, waiting in prison for the final judgement.

Maybe, I just want to be free, and see the world, and travel, so I don’t have to stop anywhere for a longer time, so people can’t judge me anymore, so I don’t have to feel so guilty anymore. So I don’t have to push myself to look cool in jobs and hop from job to job and put so much energy in adjusting all the time. Or if you can even speak of that, I’ve been so much rejected and jobless for a long time that I’m clearly not needed.

Maybe I should go after this job, and just travel the world, and not put all my energy in trying to make something of life, because it makes me depressed and takes all my energy.

The saddest thing is that im not even sure about anything.

now what?

What should I do…

Okay, here it comes:

There are things in my life going on I don’t know what to do and that are bothering me.
And I don’t know what to do. I feel stupid, because these things should be simple. Somehow the most people seem to ‘understand’ or ‘get’ this part, but somehow I don’t. Why? I can not exactly say.
I don’t seem to be stupid (well, that’s what others said to me) but why do I have so much issues with these things?

If you read my blog posts before, you probably know I don’t have a job and no form of income at all, and no benefits. Two years ago, I graduated from University, I have a BsC in something (but I don’t think I really fit in that field and I still wonder HOW the heck I got my degree and WHY everyone with that degree seems to manage to find something but I fail completely- there must be something wrong with me, probably there is).
Before graduating, I used to work all kind of jobs. I worked hard, but, less money, minimum wages, so I never got really rich. During University, I got a serious illness, that almost took my life, but I survived, though it caused a lot of delay and such; which -looking back on it- has cost me not only a lot of sad times and delay, also a lot of trust in myself, trust in the world around me and financial shitty situation.
I lost trust in myself, and there is no place here where you can be like that; you have to be cool and confident to get a job, since so much other people are looking for jobs and can present themselves much better than I can.

I’m not only not too confident in myself, in some ways I look different too – I’m not the standard woman. I don’t like make up (don’t use it), I don’t wear dresses and skirts, my body shape is not particular female, my feet are too large (outside of the standard women side range) and , this is a bit shamefull to admit- the most of the clothes I wear, they sell at the man’s departments. My jeans, my shirts, my sweaters. I don’t particularly like man things and I don’t want to be a man or something, it’s not like that. But somehow, I end up with these things and I feel ashamed of them. I hate shopping, just because of the looks of people, the strange looks when you are buying ‘man things’ as a woman. But the clothes simply don’t fit well otherwise, I don’t know why they make woman clothes in such weird shapes that they never fit me and such.
Probably a lot of man pay more attention to their hair then I do- I just brush it and wash it and go to the hairdresser to get a haircut and that’s about it.

I don’t know why I’m talking about this. But it does bother me from time to time.
I wish it wouldn’t, and I wish it was not an issue. Why do we make this seperation between men and women so obvious? What is the point? Isn’t it about the soul of someone, and not the sex? Are we so different from each other that we should seperate everything? In my honest opinion, I think not, but yet it happens everywhere.

Well, I drift away from what I wanted to write I guess. Since I graduated from University, I stayed for a while at my ‘students job’, which was something completely unrelated to my study, but hey, I earned money with it and it kept me busy and I could pay my bills. But as time passed by, economy started to get bad and my hours where cut down. My salary went down, and I had to travel far for it. At a certain point, things got bad. I would get 7 hours a week, and it was about the same amount the fares of the public transport , and I was ‘too old and too expensive’so, I wouldn’t get extra hours, if there were any, they would give it to the younger, since they were cheaper. The situation got nasty and I felt miserable; the atmosphere was really not nice and the things I usual did at work dissapeared and the pressure increased: work harder, more efficient, no more fun at all, no talks with colleagues, work work work and dont use your head – the interesting things about my work went to others, and all I did at the end was just playing a non stop automatic cashier- nothing wrong with that, but I became really unhappy if I do that too much, its not cool to do that for hours for me.

So , I quit. There did not seem to be any possibility to get benefits, since I am the one who quit my job. (Even if my salary was less than my income? I seem the one to blame ).
I am not lazy, from nature. I’d rather work than sit at home. I used to work hard. And now, I needed help, but there was no help. I , with my degree from university, seem to be smart enough to help myself. But what if I can’t? I don’t know how I have to get a job, or benefits. Something inside my head just knacks when I think of it, the procedures, the cross-examinations, it;s too much- I don;t know why, but I can not do it. I hide myself and don’t even start anything anymore. And why? I am not sure if I can answer.

After months sitting depressed at home, I went abroad, with a volunteerprogam- I really hoped to get myself together again with this, build up confidence and find a way to earn some money and be able to take care of myself and continue living and build up a future.
But it failed. And now I’m back here, without income, without support, and I honestly don’t know what to do.
How do I get a job, without too much hassle? People say around: if you really want to work, there is always work. But after so much rejections, after losing all trust in yourself, after not even fitting in to get benefits, how am I supposed to keep standing?

I am afraid, because I don’t want to fall back in these bad depressions again. I am afraid, because I don’t want to be stuck anymore and feel so unhappy as I was before. I am afraid, because what if they force me to do work that makes me unhappy and I break down? If they take away my freedom?

In my heart, I would like to be with people who make me happy, but they are not here. They are far. Can I still go to them and see them? How can I make it work? I would like to do a few things that make me happy. Just earn some money, I don’t need to earn a lot, just that I can buy groceries, pay my health insurance, travel a bit and buy new clothes. I don’t need to go out every week or have an expensive car or whatever. Is it soo much to ask to just have a life like that? sometimes, it seems like that.

I’m sad, because I don’t know what to do. (If you have any advice for me, please, write me or leave a reply. )
What do I do wrong? What should I do? Am I such a mess up I deserve to be in this position? Am I such a loser or do I do things so wrong that this is the price I have to pay?