Decision time

I’m going to quit this. I just can’t take it anymore.

I can not work like this here, there are too many issues. I tried to talk about it so many times, but it leads to nothing. And things are adding and adding. I can’t bear it anymore. I always get my food money too late, and now it seems to became even less (which makes no sense) and it is frustrating me too much. I can not even find the energy to fight it.

Im waiting for the moment that I can finally get to speak to the person in charge here.

But I’m done. It’s over. I’m exhausted.

It is no good to stay like this here. Its affecting my health. My sanity (for as far I am sane). This is not helping me in life. The opposite happens; i’m slipping away and getting more depressed. I guess it has a good side as well, because I choose for myself; this is my limit, and no matter what others say, I choose this.

I don’t know how it will continue. Where I will end up in the upcoming time.

I have a few places where I can sleep, though I’m not sure for how long.

But I will have to find a way to earn some money and don’t fall apart.

It’s hard.My heart stings like hell. I feel awful.

But I know this is inevitable.

I can not take this anymore.

I can’t.

I can;t.

 

Contradiction

The smile while surrounded by the darkness

I look in to your eyes

And almost

dissapear

in the depths of these invisible canyons

There is so much light

inside of you

I see it, I sense it.

How can it be so beautiful?

How can you even bear

the black hole that is me

craters of bombings

and nothing on my surface to see

where I lost hope,

you believe.

The drop of sorrow

Anytime, there won’t come a new tomorrow

The raindrops on the window

Blur the view that the eyes could possibly see

The door is unlocked, but there is nobody

but me.

The coffee expired and stays hidden

behind a closed cupboard door

The dishes stare at the tap

but it refuses to give any water

There is simply no turn on

on the table, one little drop of sorrow

tells the story from inside my heart.

And nothing but silence remains.

Have (no) faith, right?

Keep faith. Have faith. Keep going. Ask for help when you can’t deal with it or when you need help.

Yeah, right. (Sarcasm modus on).

Switch*Stop*Go*Search*Try*Fuckoff.

Since all of the crap happened above on top of all the crap going on already, I guess I felt that I needed support and help. It is hard to manage alone. Maybe I reached my limits.

I know that I have a lot of trouble asking for help and support and it is not something I do easily. Also, the times I did, or when I needed it the most, it turned out that there was no help at all.

And it looks like that is the case again and it makes me angry.

Why the fuck tell me to hang in, why the fuck tell me to keep and have faith and ask for help when you need it the most everything lets you down?
But yeah, probably it’s me right? My pessimistic view on things. My ask for help is probably not the right sentence to say, and probably you don’t see that I need help.

I look too strong. Everyone says hang in, keep strong. And when I say that it;s too much for me, then that is probably not the right way of expressing things since people will tell me to hang in. What do I have to do? Scream? Smash the place apart?

Or maybe no one can help me. I don’t know.

But I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t want to ask for help anymore. I am fucking tired.

I don’t feel like facing the world anymore. Trying to find my place,  it’s too much energy.

Trying to socialize. Trying to be part of a world that doesnt want me. Trying to survive.

What is there to survive? What is there left ?

 

Who could have thought that….

I’m going to keep it short. I left here, for some time to find some space and get my thoughts back in order. Went in to the mountains.

But the time did not pass like I planned. I ended up in a situation I would never thought I would be in :sexual assault. Might tell more about it later.

I guess I dealt with it well, as far as you can deal well with these things. I pushed the guy out of the place, but I should have punched him and hit him really badly, I should have injured him, since he seems to deny everything now. It took a while since the police came, and in the first place they didnt want to do anything. I was shaking of anger. People had to hold me back. I was so angry. I was a complete different person. Eyes like lasers, a shaking body of anger. The guy who did this, is a relative of one of the police officers in the place. Found that out very soon.

Anyway, thanks to help of the owner of the hostel where I stayed, the case went to a higher/different police station and they made statements (they didnt want to do in the first place). Finally, after hours sitting on the policestation in the night and no one asking what happened, they transported me (and the other person involved, unfortunately i wasn’t the only one where he ‘tried’ something) to another policestation an hour driving and arranged a translator.

It’s going to court. The guy seems to be in jail, but I don’t know for how long. I will be there, in court. Since I’m not too too far from the place. And its important that someone will be there. I guess.

But I’m so angry. And this is not good for my heart and blood pressure.

 

I don’t know what to feel, or do. But no way I’m going to step aside.

No fucking way.

No fucking way.