Everything will change from now.

Less than 24 hours, and everything will change. Well, life changes all the times, but sometimes you know a change will come while now nothing seems to be changing: you know it will, but you still feel empty.

Countdowns like these are always weird;you know, but you don’t feel.It’s just going to happen, and you know.

Tomorrow I’ll move. Love will come. Everyone expects me to be superhappy. Yet I can’t.

Yet I am not.

I feel ashamed of myself, that I am not happy, because somehow I seem supposed to be superhappy. But I’m not.

I just am, empty, knowing, but I don’t feel it.

It just is.

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Another meaningless weekend

And so it continues.

It’s nothing new, so I shouldn’t be surprised, but it’s still stinging somewhere that it happens. Everything turns into this world of numbness again, of emptiness, a void. Maybe depression is slowly taking over again, I don’t know.

The days go by, but they don’t say anything to me. I just go to work, and let my free days pass by; nothing matters, there is no impulse or want to do or go anywhere, so what happens is that I stay inside, in my room, trying to pass the time somehow. I watched a few series, I usually do not watch series, but now I just watch them to distract my mind.

Work is going okay, it has been busy again and I had a review from my coach on my work. I expected to hear some points that I had to work on, but there were not really. My coach seemed satisfied and told me to keep continuing like this. The most important point that I have to work on is take care of my breaks.(I don’t take enough breaks). I’m aware of that – usually my break in the afternoon dissapears, because it’s usually so busy and so much to do that I just grab a drink and continue with my tasks.

At work, there was an e-mail going around that said to let know about your preferences with working hours and days to the manager. I’ve been staring at the email and could not decide anything. So I didn’t reply on it. It doesn’t make sense for me; my freetime doesn’t make sense neither. These are just empty days that dont say anything.
Yeah, I think it would be so much nicer to work one day less, but right now, what point would that have? I don’t do anything with these days, I don’t do anything with my days off; I don’t go anywhere. So I guess I just keep working.

No work sucked, I just sat at home doing nothing.

Work’s okay, and still sitting at home doing nothing.

What kind of creature am I? Why am I not doing anything with my time off?

WHere the heck are my wishes, dreams, wants?

Uh…did I really do that?

Last week, I did something ‘scary’. I applied for a training course abroad. I got accepted. *silence*. * doubts *. At this moment I still do not know, if my job will be extended. So far, there are 2,5 weeks to go and then it stops (or continues). But time is running fast. I didn’t do much to find another job. If my current job will be extended for me, will become clear in the next 2,5 weeks: lastminute. No certainties.

So, now I will have to take off the last day that I , as far as know now, officially, work. And go to this training course.  After that? good question. I have no idea how things will go. Admittted: I’m scared. I finally have this job and I finally earn money again.Somehow it’s a bit comforting to know you can get by. My job is nice, though demanding now, but the pay is decent (although others think not) and I get along.

I could, build a future on this job. I could rent my place with this job, if extended. I could manage, to live a life. A “normal, steady” life, as far as you can ever speak of that.

And yet I can’t, because of these uncertainties.

And now, I got accepted for this training course. A training course about pilgrimage and outdoor activities, personal development, learning and transformation. I don’t really know what to expect of it, but when I read the documents, it caught my eye, and it never left my thoughts. Anyway I will spend a week outdoors, sleeping outdoors, walking. (Can I do that? I should, but still, so many doubts)

As well to be part of a group, is challenging. Do I fit there? What if they are all pro’s , and I’m the rookie? What if, what if, so much more what ifs.
These are no reasons not to do it, I realize, and I got accepted and I applied for it myself. Fear, is a bad thing to listen to. Fear, is something you have to step towards to, and go straight through it, is the way I see it now.
So easy said, so difficult to do.

Anyway, time keeps passing, every second, every minute, every hour, no matter what I think or do. It passes. And so the days come closer.

The way to freedom

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Hard work and no mercy,

inflating with air, inflating inflating.

and finally enough to rise

so you take off,

on the way to freedom,

the way to be yourself,

to be free, to search for peace of mind.

 

But reality learns the hardest lessons, there is no mercy

sometimes your preparations aren’t enough,

no matter how hard you work, or how hard you try.

The possibility of getting captured,

and unanswered questions of why –

where dark clouds can come over, the wind changes direction without a warning sign

there is always something you can not control.

 

so sometimes that means that

sometimes you might get stuck

and you might have to change your plan

sometimes you might have to wait

or might have to figure out

how to get out of the maze

even if it’s not a maze

that trapped you.

 

Crossing lines – to be someone you’re not

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Last week, I didn’t do any job applications. Simply because there wasn’t anything that ‘suited’ (I am not a technical schooled person, I don’t have 5 or 10 years experience, I didn’t have the asked for diplomas and certificates, etc). I only went to a fair for working and living abroad, and spoke shortly with two people, but nothing concrete. And I came back sick, and ended up spending a few days in bed mostly sleeping.

I managed so far to go on walks three times a week, this week my score is still on one, but I plan to go this afternoon for a walk too. I’m still working on clearing out my stuff, I selected some books from University which are probably of no use anymore, so I will try to sell them. I threw away a lot of paperwork (information – it’s ‘hard’ to throw information away somehow).

I still need to do some things, like change my mobile phone plan which actually expired a couple of years ago, but I never changed it because the new plans where not interesting at all. But now, it can become cheaper I think, but it’s somehow a hell to sort out. As well, I have to get a reference thing from the doctor to be able to get a new compression stocking for my leg. (Btw, which I still end up paying myself, thanks to the own risk policy from the health insurance – it’s really awesome, I pay for everything myself in the end, so why having insurance? Because it’s obligatory, stupid system!). This is what pisses me off sometimes too. For example, if I would smoke and quit smoking, I would have a lot of reimbursements for treatments and such, and for what I have now, something I didn’t choose to have, and I can’t control at all I end up paying everything myself because everything is out of the insurance (it’s a not too common thing, maybe that’s why.)

I guess I sound a lot pissed of and angry ‘at the world’ lately. I guess I am a bit, because somehow a lot of things are not fair or equal in my eyes. Sometimes it bothers me I guess.

But yeah, what can I do? Moaning about it doesn’t help. So I guess I just have to move on and take it for what it is. And I’m trying, I just don’t always succeed.  By now, I heard when I have the final interview for the (temporary) job I applied for a couple of weeks ago. It’s next week. I’m a bit anxious I guess – what should I wear? Can I find the place? Would I say the right things? Would I make a good impression? Am I capable of doing this?

Of course, I will have to pretend. That I’m good for this job, that I’m awesome, that I can do this, piece of cake! (But that, is the contrast of the real me). I’m way more careful. Maybe I can, if there’s one thing I’ve learned is that you’re almost never sure. And so far, with this job, I guess I sounded pretty confident. I crossed a line. A line that is not me. It feels uncomfortable. I just want to do work because I’m good in it and I like it, and not because I pretend like someone I’m not.

conflicting feelings.

Is that the point? To be someone you’re not?