Want-to-hide

I am scared, I guess. All I want to do is shut my phone off, crawl away in bed and not face anything.

I did not write for long. A lot happened. Too much to write out – I can’t seem to write anymore.

Anyway, I’m on sick leave. My contract ended. Somehow my sickleave was approved so I get money (kind of benefit, not much, but I get by). But I didn’t trust it. I searched and applied for jobs. I went for interview. Now I seem to get hired.

But I doubt so much. Is this job not too much too handle for me? Not too much pressure? Can my head handle this? I am already feeling stressed. They were not sure about hiring me, but they see potential so they decided to give me a chance. They doubted about my perfectionism, about the it takes time to get around peoplething, and I had to think about my clothes.

I am scared. What if I can not handle it? WHat if my head is not better? Appearantly , even if the last few weeks went well, I have so much trouble to hold on to normal life. I try, I’m too good to be sick but too not well to be good and go along with the flow. So I am scared. I think.

And:Yikes. Here is the moment I expected to happen. Clothes.

I usually just wear a jeans and a shirt, longsleeve or sweater. But very neutral. Thats how I feel the most comfy, and thats how I am I suppose.

Now I will have to change that.

I am so scared, that I tend to reject this job. But IF i let it go I dont know if I ever get in the job market again, and I avoided it instead of trying.

I just want to cry, to crawl under a blanket and not face anything. I just want to lie in my love’s arms , but she’s not there. She’s away for two months, doing some supercool adventure on her own. I am superproud of her. Really. This is what she wanted and I am glad she went, but I do miss her. She really keeps me a bit more sane, connected, stabilized to the world. Your world should not be one person, but she definitely makes my world so much more stable, nicer, easier to deal with everything in life.

(I feel like crying now that I can not deal with life and I feel like this, and at the same time I can curse myself for being such a wussy).

I can not be happy with the fact that I will have a job again in a while -i just feel my heart pounding and I feel a lack of air. I don’t have a lack of air, that’s just how it feels.

This is appearantly me.

Is this anxiety? Is this depression? Is this lack of self confidence? How do you deal with these kind of things. What can I try to make this a bit easier, or better? I am trying, but I don’t succeed so well.

I can always stop, if it doesn’t work. But that doesn’t make me feel relieved.

Argh. Argh. Argh.

 

 

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Everything will change from now.

Less than 24 hours, and everything will change. Well, life changes all the times, but sometimes you know a change will come while now nothing seems to be changing: you know it will, but you still feel empty.

Countdowns like these are always weird;you know, but you don’t feel.It’s just going to happen, and you know.

Tomorrow I’ll move. Love will come. Everyone expects me to be superhappy. Yet I can’t.

Yet I am not.

I feel ashamed of myself, that I am not happy, because somehow I seem supposed to be superhappy. But I’m not.

I just am, empty, knowing, but I don’t feel it.

It just is.

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Another meaningless weekend

And so it continues.

It’s nothing new, so I shouldn’t be surprised, but it’s still stinging somewhere that it happens. Everything turns into this world of numbness again, of emptiness, a void. Maybe depression is slowly taking over again, I don’t know.

The days go by, but they don’t say anything to me. I just go to work, and let my free days pass by; nothing matters, there is no impulse or want to do or go anywhere, so what happens is that I stay inside, in my room, trying to pass the time somehow. I watched a few series, I usually do not watch series, but now I just watch them to distract my mind.

Work is going okay, it has been busy again and I had a review from my coach on my work. I expected to hear some points that I had to work on, but there were not really. My coach seemed satisfied and told me to keep continuing like this. The most important point that I have to work on is take care of my breaks.(I don’t take enough breaks). I’m aware of that – usually my break in the afternoon dissapears, because it’s usually so busy and so much to do that I just grab a drink and continue with my tasks.

At work, there was an e-mail going around that said to let know about your preferences with working hours and days to the manager. I’ve been staring at the email and could not decide anything. So I didn’t reply on it. It doesn’t make sense for me; my freetime doesn’t make sense neither. These are just empty days that dont say anything.
Yeah, I think it would be so much nicer to work one day less, but right now, what point would that have? I don’t do anything with these days, I don’t do anything with my days off; I don’t go anywhere. So I guess I just keep working.

No work sucked, I just sat at home doing nothing.

Work’s okay, and still sitting at home doing nothing.

What kind of creature am I? Why am I not doing anything with my time off?

WHere the heck are my wishes, dreams, wants?

Uh…did I really do that?

Last week, I did something ‘scary’. I applied for a training course abroad. I got accepted. *silence*. * doubts *. At this moment I still do not know, if my job will be extended. So far, there are 2,5 weeks to go and then it stops (or continues). But time is running fast. I didn’t do much to find another job. If my current job will be extended for me, will become clear in the next 2,5 weeks: lastminute. No certainties.

So, now I will have to take off the last day that I , as far as know now, officially, work. And go to this training course.  After that? good question. I have no idea how things will go. Admittted: I’m scared. I finally have this job and I finally earn money again.Somehow it’s a bit comforting to know you can get by. My job is nice, though demanding now, but the pay is decent (although others think not) and I get along.

I could, build a future on this job. I could rent my place with this job, if extended. I could manage, to live a life. A “normal, steady” life, as far as you can ever speak of that.

And yet I can’t, because of these uncertainties.

And now, I got accepted for this training course. A training course about pilgrimage and outdoor activities, personal development, learning and transformation. I don’t really know what to expect of it, but when I read the documents, it caught my eye, and it never left my thoughts. Anyway I will spend a week outdoors, sleeping outdoors, walking. (Can I do that? I should, but still, so many doubts)

As well to be part of a group, is challenging. Do I fit there? What if they are all pro’s , and I’m the rookie? What if, what if, so much more what ifs.
These are no reasons not to do it, I realize, and I got accepted and I applied for it myself. Fear, is a bad thing to listen to. Fear, is something you have to step towards to, and go straight through it, is the way I see it now.
So easy said, so difficult to do.

Anyway, time keeps passing, every second, every minute, every hour, no matter what I think or do. It passes. And so the days come closer.

The way to freedom

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Hard work and no mercy,

inflating with air, inflating inflating.

and finally enough to rise

so you take off,

on the way to freedom,

the way to be yourself,

to be free, to search for peace of mind.

 

But reality learns the hardest lessons, there is no mercy

sometimes your preparations aren’t enough,

no matter how hard you work, or how hard you try.

The possibility of getting captured,

and unanswered questions of why –

where dark clouds can come over, the wind changes direction without a warning sign

there is always something you can not control.

 

so sometimes that means that

sometimes you might get stuck

and you might have to change your plan

sometimes you might have to wait

or might have to figure out

how to get out of the maze

even if it’s not a maze

that trapped you.