The tornado of pain

Going from neutral to low. From low to neutral. And down again to low. It’s tiring to have to make so much effort to stay neutral. I’m trying. Really. I try to follow the advice of my new psychologist – but it’s hard and I already forgot half of what she said.

That head of mine.

Sometimes I have these thoughts in my head, and they maybe make me sound insane, but I guess they are just there because I think I’m in pain.

Then I think I wish I would drink, or I would have been an alcoholic, because then I would drink until I would feel completely numb. Or I think that if I would have been a user of drugs, I would take so much I would be completely out of this world. Sometimes I do wonder how it feels to take cocaine, or heroin, or stuff like that. If it really feels so good that you can’t resist it. Because honestly, I can not imagine that something feels so good that you want nothing else anymore. I can’t imagine that exists. At least not right now.

But I’m none of those. So it will not happen. And I  guess I just have these thoughts because I’m in pain. Or I think I am, but I don’t really know why.

 

 

But I guess I’ll do what the nurse and the new psychologist both said. The nurse said it several times even, also stating she’s not particularly fond of medication. But they both told me they thought it would be good for me to go in for medication. So I made an appointment at the doctor, to ask for an antidepressant.

It’s not that I’m totally against it, but there is a huge block for me. Because last time I was on this stuff and due some circumstances I had to stop at once, there was no help. Nor the hospital nor the mental health service was there. They would just point at each other.  I was completely on my own. And I promised myself that would never happen again. Because it is so horrible. I never want to go through that again.

So I feel a bit stuck. Stuck to not have it. Stuck to have to get it again and taking the risk of something I never want to happen again.

 

 

 

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The Circus of Loneliness

The last week or so, I’m really feeling this weight pulling me down. I feel the depressed side of me,  and I try to work it out but this side and the other,  don’t seem to agree.

Since a week or so, I have a bit of trouble to sleep, I don’t want to eat anymore and I avoid cooking. I try to eat with others all the time, but end up eating frozen-meals (of course heated in the end) or pizza or something quick if that doesn’t work out. I go to the grocery store but messed up, like I’m not my usual self, sometimes I feel like I’m not real, I’m not the aware person I usually am. I feel like zombie.

I feel the emptiness in my life lurking around the corner. I reach the point where there is nothing to do, where nothing seems to matter. I know this is where a drop can start.

I’m trying to keep a bit busy, and find things to do. I clean the house, try to get rid of unneccesary stuff that is just in the way, move, go outside, see people sometimes, and I booked a flight to Corsica for October.

I always wanted to go to Corsica, so far I’ve never been. It will happen soon. I look forward to it I think, and yet it’s this bleak thing that will happen appearantly. I don’t really feel it. Or I do, but my feelings seem to be washen away a bit, like a jeans that is bleached. I don’t know. It’s a bit weird, not really nice.

Corsica is also home of the GR20, a hiking trails.  A part of that hiking trail, is called the Cirque de la Solitude, which means like the circus of loneliness. This name really attracts me, but this part of the trail is closed due to an accident a couple of years ago where more people died in bad weather circumstances.So I will not see it, nor go there, but I am really wondering about this place.

Last week I went to see a ‘new’ psychologist. The nurse I see sometimes got me a referral, because she will stop working at my doctors place and thinks I need more help. Probably I have to change again, because something changed in health insurance and in fact health insurance decides where you can go or not. But so far I could stay at this new psychologist, who I will see again in two weeks. I really don’t knwo what to think about it. I keep falling down. Crashing,crawling up, and it continues like this.

Anyway, I don’t know what to think about everything. I don’t believe I will ever get rid of all of this. I am too well to be sick, and too sick to be well.

I’m stuck, in my own cirque de la solitude.

Don’t HAVE to vs. stress is back.

The last few days were not very nice. I felt as I had a stone on my chest. This all were the 3 days after the job interview and message that they would give me a chance.

Over the weekend I spoke with several people. I’m glad I did, because it makes me feel more calm. This big stone on my chest lifted a bit.

Someone asked me the question what is it about this job that I like.Silence. I am not sure if I have a very good reason: I applied for this job in the first place because I don’t trust the benefit system and social care here. I thought I would not get money, so I would have to find a back up myself. The job goes a bit with my studies, though not completely, and I thought I could do it and I had a decent chance.

But there is more about being able to do something, making a chance. That can not be all ‘the’ reason. For a long time I walked on my toes at work. I never felt valued, and there was this enormous pressure and every single minute of my day was planned, with no possibility to change it yourself. It also clashes a bit with my personality, because I’m someone who thinks, who cares about quality. My previous job was not the place, and it looks like this new job isn’t the place for it neither.

But. But but but:

Finally I have a bit peace of mind. I have time to recover. I get some money, enough to get by. I can survive with that. Why would I push myself immediatly in a situation again with stress? I don’t have to feel guilty, because I work for a while (almost 15 years) and I never had benefits before. Still I feel a little guilt. Less than before, but it’s still there.

I did a lot of jobs and work I didn’t like so much. Some where hard work for very less money,. I never had a relaxed job I think. For once I can find a nice place too, right?

So I just have to remind myself, I don’t HAVE to do this. I got recovery time, and I will go to see a psychologist because I don’t get out of this anymore and I feel lost. I couldn’t do that before because of the waiting lists. But it will not take so long anymore now. I just hope he or she can help me.

And boom. Interruption.

Phonecall. Of the social benefit stuff. And boom again there is is stone on my chest. This guy started about work and starting to work and reintegration. WHAT THE HECK LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A BIT! is what I feel my whole body screaming. I don’t want to do the same kind of work again. This guy send something like if you can than you kind of have to, WHAT even if it MAKES YOU SICK? What is it in this world?

Really? They expect you to get better and while you’re still not charged or better they bomb you with phonecalles and questions and things to look in to like HELLO CAN I HAVE PEACE FOR A BIT AND BE LEFT ALONE AND NOT ALL THIS PRESSURE ON ME?

This is what I really, really dislike about this world.

Once your down, everyone seems to step on to you and decide whats best for you and you get the impression that you’re doing something illegal and superbad. And push you and not really listen.

It looks like this system doesn’t care if your job makes you sick.

Finally I felt a bit better. And now I’m full of anxiety and not nice feelings again.

I feel stressed. The stone on my chest. Breathe. All this tension in my body.

Is this supposed to be life? Is this what people find accepteble and fun and okay?

Like really, I understand why people don’t want to be part of society, to be left alone, become addicts, or even get that far to make a decision to end life. I get it. I can understand it.

Seriously, I wish life was a bit more friendly and easier.

 

 

 

A bit out of the comfort zone

Last week, I did an unexpected application, quick and officially the opening was closed, but still on, but I still sent the application in. I was surprised that they did call me, and I had an interview today. For this other job.

This morning I went to my current job first , where I have to build up hours again, but I felt terrible. I was so so tired when I left there. Drained, and I just spend 2 hours there. things will never be okay again there.

I came home and went not very well prepared to the job interview (part of the plan, actually, to keep things stress-free). I am really not sure how it went. I asked lots of questions, but I’m not sure how well I answerd the questions about me and my skills. After, I thought I should have done things differently or should have said this and that, but it was already to late. I said what I said and I did what I did, I can’t change it now.

They will inform tomorrow, so I will know soon if I make a chance or not. But I really, really don’t know how I feel about this job. It could be nice, but I honestly don’t know. It’s hard to see that. I don’t know if that is the depression talking or that it’s just not a job for me.

So as I try to also see some positive things in what happens – Yeah, I felt bad today. But I went to work, I went to the interview and whatever happens, I did these things (and especially interviews and stuff like that are out of my comfort zone), I cooked and I ate strawberries. I slept too , but thats okay sometimes when  you feel miserable right?

I don’t know if it’s positive what I wrote, because I want to try to make positive posts too sometimes,  I hope it is, because this is the best I can do right now.

 

 

(trying to ) find a little peace

I don’t know if anxiety and depression are attacking me right now, but I am afraid to lose my mind or go insane sometimes. I feel all these sensations in my body, I have a headache, feeling a bit dizzy, and usually that puts me in a state of emergency, without even being logical. Also, I haven’t had my period in like 2 months now (No, I can’t be pregnant) and I feel my body is a bit disturbed. I also feel like I’ve gained weight somehow, but I don’t really eat different or worse than before. Maybe I’m wrong, I can’t see it so clearly somehow. It bothers me and I would like to finally change all of this, yet that task seems so hard. And all I ever do is try. I would just like to have control over it, which I don’t seem to have. I guess maybe I would have to admit that I’m a big controlfreak, actually.

But I try to focus on positive things. So I will try to make a positive post again. Spring is coming, the weather becomes more pleasant. I’m going out of the house for walks again (even if they are small, they are still walks). I try to be in touch with people, yesterday I visited my best friend, we cooked a vegan lasagna (she started to eat vegan a while ago due several reasons, but health in the first place). It turned out really good, but right after I went home because  I was soo tired that I left early and went to sleep early with a massive headache.

I scored a few plants for my balcony: strawberries, a lavender tree, and I’m trying to grow carrots and beetroot. I like the quietness of my balcony and the life that is going on there: the birds, the trees, the blossoms starting to come out finally. The left is a tree with a lot of birdlife, it’s like a flat housing all types of birds. It’s nice too watch how life is going there. And the right are a few of my new strawberry plants. And a beautiful sky, though you can’t really see that well on the picture. I like evenings on my balcony – the sky is sometimes just so beautiful.

 

Trying something new

So far, in all these years of my life and its usual issues like depression, I sticked to the common things as medication, psychologists, psychiatrists and nurses and stuff like that. I don’t think or expect ever to get rid of it, but as time goes by and it keeps coming back,  I’m sometimes tired of everything.

Not long ago I came across a book (What Doesn’t Kill Us: How Freezing Water, Extreme Altitude and Environmental Conditioning will Renew our Lost Evolutionary Strength by Scott Carney). I found it interesting so I bought the book and started reading it.

Because of this, my previous experiences with outdoor & survival trips I did myself (similar principles I would say, it’s not the same but has similarities) and reading stuff about this Dutch guy Wim Hof (also known as the iceman) and his method I thought this would be worth a try. Basically it’s based on three pillars: Cold, Breathing and Commitment. I’m not going to explain this very much here, it’s better to read it on the website because all the info is there and I’m just a beginnner and newbie in all of it.

I’ve been reading about people using this method for physical and mental health improving and it’s just interesting so I thought I could try some of it myself and test it.

So far I did very less of the breathing, but started with cold showers (or end showers cold, I should say).  I don’t know yet if I can really say or notice changes yet, I just try to test it. And after a while I’ll try to give an update about it.

Also, I started to train a little bit with my recently bought indoboard, to train my balance. That is way easier said than done. I struggle with my balance and I don’t seem to have a lot of strenght in my legs if I have to believe the instructionposter. But I’m trying, to improve stuff. I’m just trying….

Trying to figure things out (again and again)

Lately I still have a lot of trouble to write, but I’m trying. Trying to clear things up for myself and trying to get out of this negative atmosphere, because depression is attacking me again. It’s like fighting a battle with an invisible enemy; it’s always lurking around, but you never know when it’s going to strike. You can’t really prepare, because it gets you in unexpected moments. It has been like that for a while. And maybe, when I’m honest, and if I see things right, my life has actually been like that for the last 15 years. Maybe more.

Right now I’ve been three weeks at home from work, and honestly? I don’t really mind. I don’t miss work. And I am not even sure if I even want to go back. But I find it hard to ‘calm down’ and relax.In 1,5 week I have to see a doctor about this. I have no clue what the outcome will be. He or she seems to be the only one who is allowed to give any decent advice.

The last few weeks I’m going a bit up and down, from neutral to down to okayish to down and back and forth. Sometimes I get grumpy for no good reason, and sometimes I have this weird ‘everything is too much’ in my head that really gives me insane behaviour and I walk around like crazy and have these weird sensations in my body. This is something I find superhard to control. Overall, I’m just tired and I tend to sleep all the time, but I don’t allow myself. I know it’s no good.

But there are a few things I want to change. Like a long time, I want to change. But I don’t really succeed. At least never for long. I don’t know why, but I seem to have a big big lack of motivation, of willpower. I just don’t understand how other people can keep up with things.

I have to figure out what I want. What my qualities are, and what kind of job would suit me or what I would like. Now that doesn’t sound so difficult, but it is. I don’t really know.

A couple of weeks ago I got myself an indoboard to train my balance, which I try to do regularly but it is still hard for me. I hope I can keep this up. My balance is not so great. Also, a couple of days ago I was at my parents house and they have a scale. I know I’m a bit on the heavy side, but I don’t have a scale and I don’t want to feel worse about myself so I never check. But I couldn’t help myself and weighed myself. Oops.  It has never been so high. This is bad. Like yeah, not good at all. I should at least lose 20 kilo’s. But I can’t really seem to lose weight. Like I have a hard time to let things go, my body also seems not really to be able to ‘let go’.

I have quit Jiu Jitsu a while ago. It was too difficult to make it all the time to get there (thanks to work a bit as well) and I’ve been feeling soooo disconnected from the others and making no progress, that it was too much frustration for me. I hadn’t been there in ages so I decided to stop, because I was paying for more than 6 months without having been there. It took a while but I finally managed to quit it officially.

Last week I bought a suspension trainer to hope to start a regular exercise and get my body in shape. So I have an option to train inside at home too. Still have to figure out how to attach it. Anyway, I just hope I will manage something. Because way back, I used to practise a lot of sports and it just feels so much better to be in shape. But to get there, seems like an almost impossible thing. I’m so tired, and so not in shape.

So far my inside thoughts. I will try to write something positive next time.