It’s a sunday afternoon. It’s supposed to be summer, but the weather changes a lot between really warm and fresh. And so it goes all the time. It’s really a big mystery how to dress properly for this, because it never really works out.
I notice how tired I am when I’m on my way walking the grocery store. The grocery store is not far; maybe a 5 minutes walk. I absorb my environment while walking there, trying to capture the energy, the way things are designed, maintained, used. Maybe that goes with my ‘profession’, I’m an urbanist, or however you should call the work I do. How public spaces are designed, used, treated, how people use it, how everything works, connects, behaves interests me stil, but lately I feel like ‘I’m losing the grip to the world of my ‘profession’. Not in the last place because I can’t seem to keep up with all the developments going on in the world. Things change so rapidly, almost always based on short term things. I remember when I was a little, that adults used to say the world is changing so fast and time was flying so fast. To me, back in the days as a kid, days could be endless and time would sometimes almost standing still.
Now, in my mid-thirties, I must admit that I finally understand what they ment. Does this mean I’m getting old? I don’t know, but all I know is that the world changes too fast for me, and the majority of developments aren’t something I feel comfortable with. I don’t think they are right, but who am I to say? I’m just one of the so many many many human beings with ideas on this planet. And what is actually wrong or right? Perspectives changes everything.
That, makes things (over) complicated. It doesn’t matter how it its, there’s always another perspective. How can you ever decide or choose when there’s so much. In the usual world it’s simple, it’s mostly based on money, efficiency, stuff like that. But I, somehow, don’t work that way. It’s getting more blurry in my head. More doubts. More unanswered questions. And I’m getting tired of it. Tired of trying to adapt to be a part of this system, it really wears me out and I feel that in my body, for real. I’m tired in my head too, to be honest. I don’t know if I know how to be a good human being. There’s always someone with opinions, how you should do or what you do wrong.
All I want, is just to be. To be able to live in peace. Not with negative news, messages and agressive communication around me all the time. I stopped following the news years ago. You simply can’t trust what it says, and the main things are bad, negative, sad things. I don’t want to hear them anymore. I KNOW they exist, but if I hear them all the time it really does affect my mood.
Soon, I will leave this city, this house, this neighbourhood, and my profession. I leave a lot behind. That’s really okay; I had my time here, and it starts to cost me oxygen instead of giving it to me. I’m ready for something new. Though that’s a big thing too – have to learn another language, get settled again, find a job, et cetera. That’s still okay. I know I can’t get what I dream of, because it’s too far away. No matter how I work or save, it’s out of reach for me on a short term.
I’m afraid. I’m scared. And lately I cry sometimes, because of that. I never cry.
Almost no one knows. But that’s okay. I’m someone anonymous just blurting out the chaos that’s in my head on the world wide web, never knowing if anyone reads it or who reads it. Maybe I write this into a big black hole – just like in space. Things dissapear in it, and no one knows where it goes.
Life is just……funny sometimes. No, I don’t understand anything of it. But you know, I try. Try to make something out of it.