The good and the bad

It’s crazy, crazy busy at the moment. My job is so demanding and exhausting, it’s crazy. I sleep and work, and that’s all. I drive home way too tired, and drive back to work too tired as well. It’s busy as hell at work and I’m having trouble to get through the days. My head blocks at a certain moment and I have so much trouble to hang in.

The good thing is; a few days ago I learned that I can stay at my job! For at least the next 3 months, there will constantly be 3 months extentions, but that’s fine to me. I didn’t expect that I could stay, and I’m kind of happy because now I know I have work for a bit longer and there is something in my life that I seem to be able to do right. I also feel quite comfortable at work somehow and I can be myself somehow. I will be trained for other things, I don’t know for what yet, but I’m a bit curious about it.

Since two weeks I have some tongue fungus which is really disgusting. I went to see a doctor and got some stuff, but it didn’t help and now I have some new medication, with a lot of nasty side effects. I’m nauseous all the time, headaches and tired and I feel weak. It still doesn’t seem to get better and it worries me. * Do not use Doctor Google for everything*. I don’t know where this comes from but I do know it started shortly after I was ill and stayed home for a couple of days which I spend in bed. It’s not only my tongue – I feel it in the back of my throat. So I hope no other nasty infection is coming – I’m a bit worried this will block my outdoor training trip.

Next week I am supposed to go to a training abroad, but if I’m still not well like I am now, I’m not sure if I go or cancel. I do not want to get really sick. I’m still in doubt what to do.

Last but not least; Last week when I came out of work I found a very nice surprise. My love was here! She told me she was away for the weekend, and she couldn’t be on skype and such. But instead she hitchhiked all the way to come to me šŸ™‚

After work she was standing at my work – wow! I couldn’t believe my eyes, but she really was there. She had her birthday this weekend, and we went out for dinner to a restaurant. It was so nice to be together, and just lie in bed and talk. The day when she left was a bit sad, it made me cry and I felt sad. But I was so happy. She is so cool that she did this. And I so didn’t expect it.

Sadness and sunshine

Today. Begins. With storm. After a while, the sun breaks through. Work went okay I guess, nothing special, just a lot of system failures. That sometimes, makes work almost impossible. I was not broken after work; that’s good. I could not manage to go to Jiu Jitsu. I don’t know why; it’s this overwhelming apathy that has a grip on me. There is no balance between work and the rest of my life. Maybe I will subscribe from Jiu Jitsu; I still pay, but I went two times in the past three months. Mostly because I do not manage to go after work. Usually I’m home too late; sometimes I’m not too tired, but it ends too late. Then I get in trouble the next day at work. So I skip. (And skip. and skip). Here I am. It’s sunny and beautiful weather outsideĀ  for a change, but inside of me is a dark rain cloud. Questions pouring out like heavy rain. Stop. Is this what I want? Is this how I want life to be? Is this how my future should be? I feel trapped. Because there does not seem to be much choice. Not much choice without guilt. I feel trapped in the system. Trapped in what the system wants me to do. This week I had my interview. No later than monday , I will know if I can stay or not. Temporary extentions, by 3 months. No steady contracts; steady contracts seem a rare species from the past in history books. They ask commitment, but don’t give you anything. Is this right? Pressure. So much pressure, for what? For a basic, miserable existence? I am cold again. Everything is numb. I go to work, I came home, and I feel nothing. No passion, no future, no past. I’m an empty void, an empty shell again. I know I’m the only one who can change it, or fight it. But what if you’re the only little oxygenbubble in outer space? How do you fight that?

I guess you don’t find: you just keep floating, for the rest of your life.