Leftover chocolate

A bitter taste, because it’s dark

I find the leftovers of your

chocolate.

You’re not here anymore

this house is empty, I am empty.

I come home from work,

but you’re not there.

I ask myself

What’s the point of being and existing

without love?

Soon, with every minute,

the distance between us will become larger and larger,

and we’re far away again.

Just a couple of hours you were here right next to me

And now all I find are

little traces of you

Crumbles and your scent,

and leftover chocolate.

I don’t like the chocolate,

but I eat it.

Just because…..

I don’t even know why.

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It’s the trash you can’t touch

 

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It’s exactly this;

You find what you are looking for, and then you realize you can’t touch it.

You try to grasp it and understand, but no matter how hard you try

it’s always staying out of reach.

And even if you try and reach out and try again,

Some bars are there not to be broken

and you could try for the rest of your life –

and nothing would ever change.

numb and meaningless

This week is dissapointing. At work things escalated a bit – everything was too much, I could not handle it anymore, and my head said error.

There was just too much work, and too less time and too less space. I got an extra task here, an extra task there, absent colleagues’ work appeared in my to do box, and so on. It just added and added, and the planners didn’t give me time to do it. I asked several times for some time, but all I got was no – it’s too busy. So I had my own work, work of a few othes, an emergency task in between, and some unexpected visits but no extra time. I couldn’t find time to update myself with the newest information, and so on and on.

Monday things became too much – it was just the first working day of this week, but it went wrong. I started with work from last week, but too much things met. I lost things for a while and couldn’t manage to decide what to do first or what to do and what not; my head said error. Too much work, too less time. I felt bad. That I couldn’t manage to get out of this myself; I know this is a trap. My head spinned and spinned, I saw the work but I was blocked.

I asked help. I went to someone who I don’t go so often, but there was not anyone else to go to and ask for help. But this person reacted cool and much nicer than I expected.

One of the coaches came by, my coach wasn’t present, and we had a talk about all of this. I’m not sure if it made me feel better, but at least he talked to the planners that they can not always say no to me because there is ‘no time’. If I get extra work, they have to give me some time too. Now I just have to keep asking and they have to give me some time. I’m not sure what to think about it, or why it would make a big difference, but I guess I will try.

Some other tasks I kind of dropped completely. I asked at least 10 times to get some time, they didn’t give it to me and they do not plan me anymore for that work, so I put everything in the box for others to pick up – I could not manage to talk to anyone to do that anymore. Fuck it, you dont give me the possibility, I put it back.

I didn’t feel better. I still do not feel better. I go to work, but I don’t feel like I’m doing good work. I do the minimum; I do not care or make work of the work I see. I just do what I’m planned for – I feel like a robot. This is not human. I’m also sad, somehow.

Since the beginning of the week, I can’t get out of bed anymore in the mornings. I sleep bad. I wake up and feel terrible. I go to work, feeling awful, and come back, and do nothing but sit.

Work is not so nice anymore now. I am not so nice anymore now.

And everything feels empty, numb and meaningless again.

Harmless assassin

Have you ever met

the emptiness that’s just behind the corner

or on the wall?

where the emtpy plates and unwashed spoons leave

their sorrow in the light

 

a lightswitch is lying meaningless on the floor

the dust appeared not only in the corners but came along

its way and even on the stairs

 

and then, this spider walking in this

big world where

nothing can be seen.

And all you can do is ask yourself;

Is this true?

Another meaningless weekend

And so it continues.

It’s nothing new, so I shouldn’t be surprised, but it’s still stinging somewhere that it happens. Everything turns into this world of numbness again, of emptiness, a void. Maybe depression is slowly taking over again, I don’t know.

The days go by, but they don’t say anything to me. I just go to work, and let my free days pass by; nothing matters, there is no impulse or want to do or go anywhere, so what happens is that I stay inside, in my room, trying to pass the time somehow. I watched a few series, I usually do not watch series, but now I just watch them to distract my mind.

Work is going okay, it has been busy again and I had a review from my coach on my work. I expected to hear some points that I had to work on, but there were not really. My coach seemed satisfied and told me to keep continuing like this. The most important point that I have to work on is take care of my breaks.(I don’t take enough breaks). I’m aware of that – usually my break in the afternoon dissapears, because it’s usually so busy and so much to do that I just grab a drink and continue with my tasks.

At work, there was an e-mail going around that said to let know about your preferences with working hours and days to the manager. I’ve been staring at the email and could not decide anything. So I didn’t reply on it. It doesn’t make sense for me; my freetime doesn’t make sense neither. These are just empty days that dont say anything.
Yeah, I think it would be so much nicer to work one day less, but right now, what point would that have? I don’t do anything with these days, I don’t do anything with my days off; I don’t go anywhere. So I guess I just keep working.

No work sucked, I just sat at home doing nothing.

Work’s okay, and still sitting at home doing nothing.

What kind of creature am I? Why am I not doing anything with my time off?

WHere the heck are my wishes, dreams, wants?

You will never know of my existence

The famous, they are everywhere.

Aware of the shadows but, there is this light

Beautiful, though there is this other side.

But it is present.

Is it that important to know, or not to know?

 

Their existence will not be unseen – unlike mine

So less people will ever know me

or even know that

I exist

You will not know me, you assume that

I exist,

but it’s all hollow, and numb and empty

My words, my soul, like me.

 

Will always live in the twilight of the shadows.

But honestly, I don’t know if it matters

maybe it doesn’t after all.