Made it through this round

So, today I had an interview. It went well actually and I made it through this round, which means I will go to the next (and final). Before I felt a bit nervous and I wasn’t completely sure what to expect, but it turned out okay!

So I’m not there yet, but at least it gave a positive state of mind for a bit and I am satisfied with how it went so far.

Woohoo.

IMG_2360

Advertisements

progress.

How things were a bit sad in the beginning of the week, the ‘not serious job’ and all the stress surrounding it, things have cleared up a bit. I don’t know why these things bring so much stress, because rationally I know it doesn’t have to be like this. Yet, it’s so difficult to control these thoughs, these feelings, emotions, whatever they exactly are.

Yesterday late afternoon I got a phonecall, of a job agency for a serious job. I talked for a minute or 20 with the guy (wow, really, did I talk so much !) and the conversation was okay. I found the right words so far (not completely, but it went pretty well for me. He also thought I would suit the job and so he send me some papers I had to complete and tomorrow I have a real interview. I’m nervous though. It’s been ages since I had a real job (1,5 year ago) and this is a bit related to my study as well, so if I would get hired, this would be my first job in the field of my study (well, not really strongly, but it’s linked to the field)

Please keep your fingers crossed with me , that it will go well and I won’t get any panic attacks or any of that kind. If I get this job, even if its temporary, things will be better for a while for sure because I finally will have some income again, which I really need!

Trying

220120155068

Since one or two weeks (I’m bad with remembering times and such), I am trying to work according ‘the plan’ (I made a while ago). And surprisingly I must say, even with the ‘bad’ moments, I am doing quite well so far (at least, I think). Since the start I managed to go on walks at least 2 times a week, but so far I went 3 times each week untill now – well okay, today I made my second walk, but I plan to go tomorrow again. Sometimes the walk is shorter, sometimes longer, but at least it’s a 30 minutes walk.

This morning was quite okay as well I guess- I did another job application. At some kind of special burgers place (no mcD or BK, this is for quality burgers and with pure and organic ingredients.). Of course I’m not the perfect person for this job – like for nothing. But I think it could be a nice job, and it’s parttime, which would be nice too. (At this moment, I am not sure if I could handle fulltime job). I wrote the application quite fast, and I was quite satisfied with the result too – not about everything, but I can always find something that is not perfect or that I’m not satisfied with – and even if I was doubting about how to say something, I just thought, okay, what the heck, I will send it out. If this little thing means the difference between having the job or not (which of course, could be a reason), then it’s not my job.So it’s send.

As well, I already made my walk today, and now I have a full afternoon left. And I’m not sure what to do. Before these things took me hours, and easily I ended up a whole day busy with it. Now, it went a lot faster, and I feel a bit locked up and surrounded by emptiness.

I’m not sure if I can manage more jobsearching and applications today. So I will try to find something else to occupy myself with. Tonight it’s Jiu Jitsu night, so for the evening I don’t have to worry. Strange and unfair how things are balanced (or not) sometimes, some people crave for freetime, others have so much that it almost kills them in a certain way.

Cancelled.

This morning, I called the company where I would go for an interview today. Before, I was not far from a panic attack. I felt so weird, and somehow I couldn’t even see sharp. So weird, I was almost freaking out I might have some physical issue and I maybe can die or am very ill. Relax, sharktoothsweater, this is just overflow in your brain, is what I told myself. I just react strong on pressure and things like this, that’s all. But I never had problems with my vision before.

Anyway.

Yesterday evening, I did some research, and I felt more and more bad because it really didn’t look good to me. I spoke to one of my friends, for advice, and this morning I called the company with some questions. The answers where not so satisfying.

What I thought was true; they would not employ me and provide me with a salary; they would only pay forĀ commissions. So I would have to end up in the sales world too, it was not really exactly what they said before.

Reality: I’m not the type of person who is really commercial and all that crap. I can’t do that; I can’t try to force people to buy things or donate, I am not a person who walks in a suit and where its all about looks and talks. I am more of support, advice, decent advice. I don’t force, or pressure, I will leave decisions up to someone him or herself. If I would take this job, I will end up with no money and very unhappy and more stressed because of this pressure.

So I cancelled.

Overwhelming sadness

220120155088

Suddenly, I feel an overwhelming sadness.

This jobsearching isn’t so easy, it takes a lot of my energy.

And you can not just trust what people say to you.

I don’t understand why the world is like this, why a job is more of a very competative sportscompetition. Why the place where I live is so crappy because with asking for benefits they make your life like hell. Like if its your choice to be unemployed and dont have any income. The things they ask from you, want to see from you.

if you’re already low or vulnerable, it will push you to the ground again.

Why is it so difficult just to survive, just to live, when it doesnt even seem you have a right on some basic income stuff ? I don’t know where to go for help. I don’t know if I can hang on with this. I just need peace. I just need a bit of money, I don’t need so much. I don’t want a new tv or fancy stuff. I just need a bed, a place where I can withdraw, some food, some clothes. My head is racing. I try to stop it. Stop these thoughts.

I just want peace. Oxygen. Space to breathe. Not these competitive attacks. Not these you dont work so you are to blame questionaries, like youre a criminal.

words. fail.

i can.t breathe.

properly.

 

Eh…I guess I have a kind of…interview?

Yesterday, I came across a job that kind of suits to my field of study. Not really, but it’s a bit linked somehow and I seem to fit the requirements again for a change (second time this seem to happen – rare!). So I applied for it, after feeling anxious and all these feelings and thoughts that make me feel very insecure , and I still feel anxious. I can’t really explain why; it’s not the end of the world, it’s just an application. The worst thing that can happen is that you get rejected right?

So today, my phone rang. (Yikes – I still hate phonecalls, but I force myself to pick up now, because if I want a job, I will have to talk to people). First I thought it was because of my application yesterday. But it was a different organisation. One that found my resume online. I never heard of this name before, and the person said they had some functions because their organisation is growing. It seems to be some kind of sales and marketing organisation, and they seem to be searching for commercial assistants, people who lead teams of the sales stuff, and who accompany and guide things in the organisaiton or something. I said that I am not really a manager type especially not for sales, but they said they have different positions and asked if I want to come for an interview, to ‘get to know each other’. If I could come tomorrow. Eh……tomorrow already? I don’t know anything about this. But I said yes. Without knowing anything of the company. Now, I read about the company, I’m not sure if this will be a place where I could work or where I would suit.

I just googled some things I could find about this company. Yikes. They all look like business and sales people. I AM NOT LIKE THAT.

What the hell do I wear tomorrow? I DONT HAVE CLOTHES LIKE THEM

Will I be strong and confident enough? Can I find the place where it is?

What if what if what if.

ARGHH.