Everything will change from now.

Less than 24 hours, and everything will change. Well, life changes all the times, but sometimes you know a change will come while now nothing seems to be changing: you know it will, but you still feel empty.

Countdowns like these are always weird;you know, but you don’t feel.It’s just going to happen, and you know.

Tomorrow I’ll move. Love will come. Everyone expects me to be superhappy. Yet I can’t.

Yet I am not.

I feel ashamed of myself, that I am not happy, because somehow I seem supposed to be superhappy. But I’m not.

I just am, empty, knowing, but I don’t feel it.

It just is.

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I’m not okay but I try to take care of myself

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I am not okay. I am really not okay.

I’m having a hard time to keep standing. To keep functioning.
But I’m afraid I will crash. I try to take care of myself the best I can.

Yet I feel myself slipping away. I’m fighting this for a couple of months now.

If it stays like this, I will have to arrange something with work. Because I can’t keep working fullime. Or maybe even 8 hours a day : it’s so hard and exhausting.

But work doesn’t know anything. And if I go to the doctor, then what?

On a waiting list for months again? But what can they actually do against depression? Not so much, because it’s like waiting for the storm to pass. Getting on zombiemedication again, trying for months and years till finally something works and getting on a lot of weight again that never got off before? It’s not healthy and dangerous too.

I feel like there is not really a choice. I don’t want to gain weight again. Other healthrisks.

I don’t want to be a zombie again. And I don’t want this depression to take over me.

But it’s hard. I’m really trying. But I feel lonely in this war.

the invisible fight

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Sometimes you are just sad
and everything is too much
nothing can reach you anymore
because it’s simply too far
too distant.

 

You want to believe
And you want to feel
and find peace
but it’s too painful
it’s too tiring
and you’re just too exhausted

and sometimes it just
doesn’t matter
what you do
or what you try
too much is just
too much