packing

Sometimes time doesn’t seem to be passing; and it’s like everything is standing still, or moves forward in a pace that even the slowest animal on the world seems a high speed.

It’s like a breeze that blows the plants, flowers and grass from left to right, but the speed of the breeze is not even possible to measure and you almost don’t see any movements, but you notice it’s in a different position.

Suddenly, it’s almost time to go. I’ve been waiting for this for 2 months, and now it is there really close; the weird thing is that it has faded away and it doesn’t seem real anymore, I can’t grasp it, I can’t feel it, I seem numb.

Printing my boarding pass, packed my clothes, my toothpaste, my hairbrush. My bag stands lonely against the wall, waiting for me to pick it up.

It almost seems unreal.

In my head, I can see myself taking the train. Getting a few hours of sleep. Get up, on a very early morning, dress, pack my stuff and go to the airport in the cold. Maybe it will be spooky, like the last few days; lots of fog. Maybe there will be snow and ice – but hopefully the weather circumstances will not be that way and not deregulate the public transport.

And then I will fly. Fly to the person I love. And I don’t know, my feelings seem frozen (makes me sad and feel bad about myself somehow – but I can’t do anything about it- it seems far and distant.).

I can’t wait to defreeze again.

Signs or coincidence?

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So. Somehow, the last few days, have been weird in a way that all these ‘messages’ or however you should call them, appeared in one way or another. I’m not really a person who usually thinks these things are signs and whatever, and  I don’t think I really believe in ‘messages from the universe’ or whatever. But somehow they are a bit remarkable.

Last week, I won a small amount of money with a scratch off ticket someone gave me (it’s really a small prize, I bought 3 breads for it and gone was the money). As well, I won a scarf and hat with a prize contest which really surprised me – well actually I didn’t win it for myself, the contest was like “tell us why you would like to win this for someone”. So I will give the scarf and hat to the person I wished/won it for of course.

I bought a new sweater for myself (one I’ve been thinking about for maybe 5 weeks now). My size was sold out and a couple of days ago my size was back again and I promised myself last time when my size would be restocked, I would buy it, so I finally did. I found this card from the picture in my sweater saying: What’s stopping you?

Last night, I went to join my mother to church. Usually, I don’t enter churches, I’m not really religious in the way of believing in a ” person or something” – with all respect to persons who are religous and believe in something or someone. Really, I don’t mind other people being religious but I really dislike the fact there are people out there who think killing is right because someone has other ideas in these things and I really dislike that there is so much disrespect and pressure and such.

I still don’t know exactly why I joined – I think it’s because I felt guilty towards my mother. She always has to go alone there and I think she doesn’t like that. As well, a couple of days ago she said to me something like : sometimes I doubt that you love me. That I hold some kind of grudge because of the past. I still don’t know what to think of this. Yeah, it’s true- I am distant in ways, and things of the past will not be allright and forgotten. I am not a very huggy person – but this doesn’t mean I do not love. I am not a person who can be around people all the time – I NEED to be alone sometimes, just to be able to cope and deal with life. This she doesn’t understand – There are more things she doesn’t understand. There are things I don’t want to talk about anymore, because they will hurt her too much. Her life was difficult enough, and I know she will feel guilty when I will tell the truth – well, how it was for me and how it affected me. When everyone is here, I usually withdraw a bit – because my siblings can be pretty loud and present, and I just I can’t help it- I don’t feel comfortable with this.But that doesn’t mean I don’t love them. That doesn’t mean I don’t care or something. It stings me a bit she thinks this way and that it makes me feel guilty.

And it stings that I know with saying the whole truth (truth for me) that it will hurt. I can feel and sense the hurt that is done in the past, hurt not caused by me, hurt caused by me, I just sense it somehow and I don’t want to make things more difficult then they already are. There is no need for me to go over and over the past – I can’t change it anymore anyway, and I just want to move on – what’s left, is left. I learned my lessons. But I don’t want to talk over it again and again. I just want to move on. I will not forget, but I can live with everything because I can understand. Of course it did affect me and it probably still will in the future, but that doesn’t mean I want to make a constant issue of it.

Anyway, when walking to this church thing, the street lights had a failure I think, because they flashed on, off, stayed dark for a while, they went on again, and so it went. The stars you could see clearly. The service was okay I guess – I just sat there, heard the singing, listened to the man (sorry- I don’t know exactly what kind of man it was) who told a story and just observed other people and the building. The man was telling a story and when he was in the middle of a story he said ‘do not fear’ and it seemed like he looked me straight into my eyes. There are a few words that jumped out of this whole thing for me somehow; these were:

  • do not fear
  • hope
  • future

All these things made me think.

They are making links in my head, though I can not really explain them well.

I can feel the whiteboard in my brain changing all the time.

arrow left. arrow right.word.drawing. erase.new word.connection. another connection. and so on.

And today, I wonder about this:
What’s stopping me?

What do I really want? What does my soul want? What will be my next step?
I have to find my dream. I have to find out what I really want. How do you find it?

What’s stopping me to find my dream?

The dominating emptiness

It’s over now, I’m cold, alone
I’m just the person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me –

This is a part of a song, by K’s Choice, a Belgian rock band. It’s from their song  “I’m not an addict‘, which hasn’t really anything to do with me, though these specific sentences describe pretty much how I feel, lately. This massive emptiness, is really not so nice somehow.

The last week has been a rough one – mainly struggling, struggling, struggling. I have been feeling depressed, and it has been a while I’ve been feeling this low. Along with these feelings actions come – or actually I should say: the lack of action. Because I don’t really act. In the morning, the first struggle was to get out of bed. Not one single day, I’ve been out of bed before 9.30 am, and some days it was 11.15 or something. Also, I skipped breakfasts, I think I only had breakfast once. Two days were really awful; I felt very low, not alert, and like I was living in a different world, that nothing seemed real, as if you’re behind a thick glass wall, can see the world around you, but never can be part of it; it just moves along, and there you are, trapped in this prison that no one can’t see and makes you not able to touch reality.

Today is the first day I finally seem to feel a bit better, not with these lows anymore, but I know I’m not safe and this emptiness is just around the corner. I can feel it, I can see it, I can sense it. Often, in times like this, I have a lot of trouble with making decisions. And it’s still very hard to make decisions, I can’t decide even the most simple things; my head spins and I just ‘don’t decide’ – so nothing happens. Not even what to eat, what to wear, what to buy in the grocery store. Even if I make a plan, everything messes up in the whirlwinds inside of my head. And I don’t know how to fix this – I haven’t found any solution, it happens, and I can’t see to do anything about it.

I know I will see the person I love soon, but it faded away – I don’t feel it in real anymore. It became a vague memory, and I want to feel this, and not this emptiness. I feel guilty I feel this way, I feel not fair, that it feels this way, but there doesn’t seem anything I can do about this – it seems too far away, I can’t touch it, it’s out of reach, I can’t remember the actual feeling that is so good. I can’t – I’m just filled with this stupid emptiness.

This week was also the last Jiu Jitsu training of the year – the gym closes the next two weeks because of holidays, so there is no training. I don’t really like this – I just want it to continue. It’s actually the only steady , regular thing I do in my life. Last week, we went to join a Taekwondo club, sometimes we have these ‘special trainings’. I didn’t have a good day and I was doubting a lot to go or not to go, but as I said I would come, I joined. The most people of the club I train with, (it’s not such a big club, very few people), cancelled so I ended up there with the trainers. They and the people there seem to know each other pretty well, and I felt a bit uncomfortable there. At a certain point, while I was standing a bit lost in the gym when everyone was talking here and there in little groups, and I didn’t really know what to do or where to go, the taekwondo trainer walked to me and said: please join somewhere, practise, or talk, because if you are here,  you are one of us. This made me feel even more uncomfortable, I said to him this ‘social part’ wasn’t my strongest part and that I would try. But I didn’t really try hard- well I just didn’t know how or what. But I did what I could manage, I guess. Maybe as well, I don’t think taekwondo is really ‘my thing’, but it was interesting to see and try it once. It’s more aggressive than what I do (that’s not aggressive at all and myself, I’m not aggressive at all either – I learned this about myself this year when I ended up in a situation (you can read about it here ) where I should have punched or kicked someone, yet, I didn’t do anything, but becoming angry and shaking from anger). This situation made me wonder a lot of things about myself – could I attack or defend myself when someone would harm me? I’m not sure. Physically, I could – I’m strong, I know I have a lot of strenght, maybe more than average, though strenght isn’t everything – technique, balance and such can be more effective. But my real actions in this situation?

Anyway, in the taekwondo training, I did learn a few exercises that could be helpful, but I will have to find the motivation and willpower to do them myself. I really would like to improve my Jiu Jitsu skills, and maybe even try and do martial arts – I wish I could go to something like that everyday. Yet I just go once a week. (well, I can’t even afford to go to something every day I guess). But with practising this, I just forget about everything else in my life for a little while. And I focus on balance and technique, and somehow I like it, to learn, even if I make mistakes. I feel the want to improve myself, and the want to control, to be able to control. I just hope I can make this work, and can continue with this before dropping out because of my general emptiness.

Sometimes nothing seems to matter, and feelings fade away from me.

Nothing at all. Incredible adventure. Nothing at all. Incredible…

“Life is either an incredible adventure, or it is nothing at all”

That’s what a voice spoke in a video. It’s not even that I think this is correct or the way it is or whatever, but somehow it kept stuck in my mind.

Maybe because it’s that I’m feeling quite awful. Yeah, I guess I felt it coming a bit, but it seems that I’m slipping away in a depression again. For over a week now I have trouble to get up, I just don’t want to get out of bed and I spend way more time in bed than usual. There’s no reason to get up, and if I’m up all I can think of is crawl back into bed again.

I don’t care about well eating, it feels like I’m living in thick fog, that I’m not real, in a fake world, and that I function more slower and less sharp and aware than usual. All warning signs. There are more, but I don’t have the energy to use my head too much and point and analyse everything completely to the point. I hate to be in the outside world, I don’t want to face people.

I just feel awful. I’m really trying not to let it get me, but all I want is to hide and sleep and lie in bed because I don’t know what to do with myself. I force myself to go out and dress and shower and such, but it’s really difficult and heavy. Yesterday I went to visit a friend, but I didn’t talk much and I didn’t feel like anything. I just sat there, I said I felt down, so they didn’t push too much, but I could notice she was worried.

Everything feels like it weights like a ton. Everything is a survival competition.

And yet, I’m not doing anything.

Meh.

Little surprises

Sometimes something small, can mean something big.

Today, I found a sweet creation in the mail, made by the person I love.

After a terrible day yesterday (depressed), and after a sad morning in bed today, this turned a smile on my face and a smile in my heart.

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This small thing, means a lot to me.

And for now, my feelings of sadness have faded away. I’m sitting here with the envelope, the things inside, and all I can do is smile.

I love you, person I love. I really really love you.

ps. I can’t find my colored pencils, so the drawing is just like this for now. They dissapeared somewhere in messy mountain resort.

Find you, find me.

balconysunset

And I look at your sunset. It’s live, but it’s far away from me. I can see it, but I can’t touch it. I can dream it, but I can’t experience it. I can remember, but I want it to be reality.

Sometimes, there is an intense sadness that comes over me. Deep inside, I know exactly why. Deep inside, there is this little piece of hope, that hopes to become the person that I seem to be; that hopes that once, there will be air to breathe, and space to move forward.

Hope hopes. Hopeless hope?

And I feel sad, intense sad, because I feel lonely and lost. Feeling lost for so long, running around in this maze, and imagine that you’ll never find the exit. All you see is a repeat of the same leaves you ran next to so many times . You see the seasons change, but never catch a glimpse of the exit.

I feel sad, because I miss the person I love. Why are we so far away? It’s cruel. I know, I should be grateful, thanks to the online world, thanks to Skype, thanks to webcams, thanks to microphones, that I can see her, I can hear her voice, I can talk with her.

But there is something that I reall mis. And that’s to be with her. To feel her presense, to put my head on her shoulder. To have her head on my shoulder. To just lie down and watch the sky. And my arms touches hers. To wake up, and see her next to me. To make breakfast for her. To go grocery shopping and sort out the food we will cook together.

I know I can count down the days. Twenty, to be exactly, just twenty days. It’s nothing right? All I know is that I don’t want it to be months away from her every time again. It hurts, it really hurts. I want and need to change my life again. But this time,  I want to change it with her in it, in real. I don’t have much direction in my life, after trying a few things, I kind of got on a no directions track. She’s the head direction at this moment. She is not my everything, but she is a lot. There is more in the world besides her, of course, it’s dangerous to have just one thing, especially when it’s a person, in life. But everything seems to fall into nothing compared to her. Sometimes it’s scary for me, how I never thought being able to connect with people, to love someone this way.

I just can deal better with the world with her around me. I want to do things, with her around me. I try things, with her around me. For myself, it doesn’t really matter, or I can’t find the strenght, to move. It’s dangerous, and at the same time, it seems to be my saviour, in some ways. She makes me move. And not only in my heart.

Twenty days. Just twenty days.

They don’t take away my sadness. Twenty days can be a lot. They can be a lot.

Icy drops

Slowly the dark leaves the world behind. There it is: the light. I pull my blanket up as far up as possible, trying to hide as much as I can from myself. I can see there’s fog outside, and this place surely looks like a ghost town. A ghost in a ghost town, it couldn’t be more perfect, I think.

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For a couple of hours, I lie there in agony and think: What reason do I have to get out of bed? None. Thoughts cross my mind of how useless and worthless I am like this, how things could have been, how I seem to be the only one in such a messed up situation and how trapped I am and I don’t see a way out. And how others judge, even if they don’t know me, and how they don’t understand. “Just get a job”, “Just get benefits” – if things were only so easy.

Not that it should matter, what others think of me. But somehow it does. I guess you need people and their opinions around you, just to be able to reflect on yourself and level yourself. Trapped, as a ghost in a ghost town. I don’t see a way out. At least, not right now. Always, there is this awful waiting time. I had enough of this waiting time, it’s painful. It’s killing. It brings permanent damage and you’ll never be the same again. ( If you can ever, be the same.)

You don’t even belong here.

Through the curtain that I since recently never completely close, shines a glimpse of light. Yesterday the moon shined in, today it’s the sun.With my left arm I open the curtain a bit further, so I can see the Pinus sylvestris tree that is standing in front of my window. Poor tree, you don’t even belong here, crosses my mind.

Outside, the world looks perfectly. What could be wrong, with this world, is what an outsider would probably think. Maybe even I would think the same, if I didn’t knew better.

The spinning mess

Today, is a bit of a sad day. Woke up,  let the time go by, and go to sleep again. That’s another day of this kind. I’m still working on my downsizing project. (Yes, still.)

There’s  really have a lot of mess to sort out. How much stuff can a person have. Well, I guess maybe this is a part of growing up with less- I kind of grow up with the message “be prepared, store this, you never know when you’re gonna need it” and such. Store it, and you won’t have to buy it in the future. But what are glasses and mugs and stuff like that of use when you don’t have a house yourself? What use does it have to store papers with information you haven’t looked on for at least 5 years?  What’s the use of having at least 120 pencils to write with? What’s the use of storing birthdaycards and their envelops from the last 10 years? Why are they so hard to throw away? Somehow, I kept them “because that person wrote it and whatever happens at least I will have a memory of that person, something he/she wrote”. Does that make sense? I’m, not sure. Everything goes in life, in the end. No matter how much you want something to stay, everything fades and leaves in the end.

Of course, there is no one to blame but myself: I’m old and wise enough to realize and decide myself, and I was old and wise enough ten years ago to be able to realize this – just for a long time, I just lived this detached life.

Stuff keeps shifting from place to place in my room. First it looked a bit orderly, now it’s one big mess again. I got rid of some things, but I’m not there yet; it’s not enough. Again another load of paperwork is ready to leave the house. A lot of papers from University – I don’t think they will of any use to me anymore, and I haven’t looked at them for at least two years. I wonder what to do with all readers of University, where all the descriptions and requirements of the courses I follwed are written in. Is it important to store? Should I keep it? (I guess not). As well, a lot of stuff that doesn’t really have a function, but someone gave it once to me and somehow it’s hard to throw it away. Its not stuff thats worth selling, and I don’t know anyone who I can make happy with it, but I can’t keep it. I just can’t keep it, and I don’t know what to do with. All I know, is that it has to leave me.

And here, i’m sitting again, surrounded by all these things. Piles everywhere around.

My head spins. I feel awful. The mess isn’t only in the room, it’s in my head too.

Emtpy sadness

Outside, temperatures reached levels where water turns in to ice. The construction surrounding me, what some people call a house, didn’t prevent the cold to touch me. Glancing through the window, staring at the empty grey sky, without any trace of sunshine or clouds; there is just nothing there. The branches of the trees hanging completely still, like they are glued at a museum wall. Almost like a moment before a storm breaks loose.

Here I sit. Behind the window, staring outside. I watch the birds flying around and searching the trees for food. Fallen leaves on the ground just lie there in agony, and even if it’s still the daylight, everything seems surrounded by the dark.

A deepness, unknown, is alive inside of me. I’m not sure if it’s the black hole, I don’t know why I don’t know but I just don’t know. I’m not in my best condition, that’s for sure. I would almost say I feel life closing in some ways, but it’s probably just a miscommunication or short circuit in my brain. Where is the light?

The switch on the wall, is just a switch. No matter if you press it or not, it doesn’t matter. Nothing happens. The white wall is there. The grey wall is there. Traces of blue paint, where they don’t belong. A bunch of cd’s, just sitting in their boxes, waiting to be able to hear their own sounds again – but it doesn’t seem like someone will open them and set them free. A flashlight, out of function, stands as a statue in the storm – a mighty weapon, but even mighty weapons can be useless if they can’t make a move.