Meh part II

Unfortunately, it is very hard to keep up in blog world when you don’t have an internetconnection or a computer yourself and are dependent for those things. It’s frustrating a bit I can not hide in blogworld and read and such. So I’m sorry for not really keeping up and such.

Another meh things is that my health is still not okay. I went to hospital again for check and things were even worse. I wonder how that is possible, since I was on meds to lower everything down and it got worse? So now I’m on a double dosage and got some new stuff (for the protection of my heart or something ) andddd I am so lucky to have to come back again next week for another check and tests. Mehhh. I am not so happy with that. But also they said I should not worry because I was fine. What? If I was fine, I shouldnt need those meds right?

1-I dont want meds for longer times2- I dont want to have all these issues, there is enough bothering me already 3- Where is this going to end? 4-I had enough health issues so it can stop now for once ?

But yeah, it doesn’t really work that way. Another meh thing is that I think I am slipping away again into depression. I find it hard to adapt to life here, and my personality is not the right one for this environment. The people are nice, don’t get me wrong, but they need a different kind of person. They need a more positive, outgoing, proactive person, and not some empty person like me who wants to hide and is too invisible and holds back. I wish I could change, but it is so hard. It feels pretty lonely and I feel like I am losing again. That I am too weak to fight this and I will never make it in life. How can I ever be able to live a bit of a normal (read: a bit peaceful and being able to take care of basic needs) life ? I am afraid it is not going to work out for me. I don’t know what to do. I feel like hiding more, but yet I am still trying, though I feel completely lost and messed up inside. Just this outer shell prevents people from seeing that. Or maybe they see, I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel lonely and misunderstood. THat I “just have to make something of it” , but somehow I can’t. I don;t want to go back, I am glad I am abroad I think so far. So it’s not that. It doesn’t matter where in the world I am, its always turning out the same. I seem to be a human being, though, I don’t feel like one right now.

Meh.

Going to keep it short. Had a weird week in Sarajevo, where I ended up in a hospital. 

I collapsed , got a cut in my eyebrow and one in my nose, a concussion and if that wasn’t enough, the days later I still didn’t feel well and ended up a few times in hospital again, finally at a cardiologist. Right now I’m taking medication for my heart and bloodpressure. Somehow those two things were extraordinary high, and it’s a mystery to me, because it has never been that way. I have no idea what is going on with me, But it’s a bit scary somehow. Trying to stay calm.

I got back at the more remote place where I live, where I wanted to go to the hospital for a check up but there is just once a week a cardiologist here. And somehow I missed him. Now I’m doubting if I should go back to Sarajevo for the checkup, since the hospital seems more well equipped there , but it’s not so close and it will take me a 4 hours bus ride to get there.

One thing for sure; there is a lot coming towards me, and I will have to find a way to deal with it. 

 

Another world

The move has been made. I can’t really say I’ve settled in because it is rough here. I have a hard time adapt to life here. My language teacher is sick and it’s really hard to do it alone. Already it is hard for me to communicate with people in general, but this is even more rough somehow. I have been feeling very lonely and disconnected.There doesn’t seem to be much expectations of me, at least not yet. And work is so different from what I am used to. The days are short, and work looks more like what i know as socializing. There is almost no pressure. It’s almost a kind of chaos, but the people from here seem to be able to navigate through it and understand it. I don’t.

I wouldn’t mention that as a particularly bad thing, but it;s just different and it is a bit hard for me to adapt to it.  I know its just a week I’m here now, and I should give it some time.

My flat is not too bad. I have a bed, a kitchen, a couch, a fridge and a freezer and I can cook. I have a washing machine. A balcony with a view on a small waterfall and an abandoned hotel and abandoned swimming pool. I have a ” shower”  too, but you have to hold it and there is only warm water for maximum 5 minutes. I have a tv, with 2 channels with 70% snow. There are just a few small grocery shops and vegetables are REALLY hard to find, they are just not there. I really miss them already and I hope I can find a solution for that. Vegetables. People here eat different. They eat a lot more ‘ junk food’  aka cookies and pizza and something called burek during the day, which is what i would say, not too good food to eat every day. I don’t want to talk bad about that, don’t get me wrong, but I do value healthy nutrition to keep healthy myself. Also everyone smokes here, what is a problem for me, since I had serious lung damage in the past and after that things never were never okay again really. People smoke here in cafe’s, at work places, everywhere. I can not expect them to stop smoking for me since I came here, so I will have to find a solution for that. I can not see myself being in the office everyday surrounded by smoke. I wanted to get better, to get out of these depression traps, to develop my health, to get stronger and eat healthy here and reload myself. I have to find a way to do that, because, it is not something that seems to be general or common here.

There are not really other shops here and there aren’t other facilities, the library has closed and there is almost no public transport; just 2 busses a day early in the morning. Everything is pretty far from here, so I have to think of a way to get a car or I don’t know what, but I feel a bit locked up already. So far that.

The traces of the war, roughly spoken it was 19 years ago, are still very noticeable and things seem to be very messed up still. War has terrible effects. I see the hurt, I even feel the hurt, even if I was not here during the war. I feel so sorry somehow, and I wonder what it is that these people motivate to go on everyday. It’s so hard to grasp for me. I probably wouldn’ t have made it so far if i were in a situation like that.

Someone I shortly spoke to said to me: If you are here long enough, you will see for yourself how messed up it is here. But no need to be here long enough, I already felt and saw it the second day I was here.

There are lots of abandoned buildings, abandoned animals (I also have difficulties seeing that). I don’t know. I should probably give it some time, to adapt to life here, but right now, I feel alone and there is no one really I can talk to.Is this the culture shock? Well…I’m glad I can go online sometimes now (though I don’t have a computer or internet of my own, but its really nice they gave me a key of the office and allowed me to go here in the evenings and during weekends, which I am very grateful for)So .I hope I can catch up reading other blogs again and find some support somewhere.

I went from a world of nothingness to another one, and it caused a lot of doubts inside of me. That things will never be okay for me again because it doesn’t matter where you are, inside things will stay the same. Once depressed, always depressed, it almost seems. How could I even think a change of scenery would help me? Things are very confusing right now. Maybe I am way more anxious and crazy in certain ways then I think I was. A lot of things going through my mind. That I will never be able to blend in life, but always will be an outsider , disconnected, not part of it. Or maybe, all the things that happened in the last couple of years in my life have been destroying me more then I realized. And I don’t know how to heal from them. It’s so confusing, I don’t know what truth is. Sorry for this rant.

Tomorrow I’m leaving very early for a training in Sarajevo. There seems to be a bus at 5.55. Someone told me that, since there doesn’t seem to be any timetable. So I hope that is going to work out.  I have no idea what to expect of it, and I might be offline for a week, but I’ll be back after. Everything is just so conflicting right now.

Hope you are all doing well.