Pills, pills, pills.

On my desk, right in front of me, there is a white box. A box with pills. Antidepressants.
I’m staring at it, like it’s a monster that changes everything, that is a key to another world. But really, that does not make sense because there’s no proof it will or will not. For now it’s just a box with pills. Nothing positive, nothing negative.

And yet I find it so weird. This box. These pills. This maybe-things-will-change-for-good-or-worse. The I-will-be-one-of-the-antidepressant-people. My head goes into a place where there are messages that were in the news saying things like: “Too much people get antidepressants too easily and they don’t really need them”, and things like that. Am I one of them? Or do I really need them? I don’t know. How do you decide? There is so much opinions about that. I just don’t know.

Anyway, I will not start them before a couple of weeks since I can’t avoid driving a car next week and in two weeks. Both the warning sticker and the doctor told me not to drive for two weeks. And also I thought it’s better to start them when I see someone sometimes, like my psychologist. Since I don’t have an appointment for the next three weeks, I will not start now. Did I justify myself enough?

Assuming there is never a really a good day to start them anyway, I will start them just in the start of my new job. Recently I found a new job that starts in a couple of weeks. I guess it’s the best I can do – I just hope things are not going to be messed up.



How others decide (my direction)

This morning I was lying in bed. Last night I slept late, because I was reading a book and I couldn’t stop. During the night I woke up a couple of times. This morning I woke up and stayed in bed, letting thoughts fly around in my head.

It’s nice in bed somehow. But at the same time it’s dangerous, because I sense depression lurking around the corner. Lately my life has been stabilized in some ways, yet I feel something that ‘doesn’t make it right’.

After a long time of unemployment and sitting depressed at home, I’ve been lucky to find a job and get hired begin this year. I’m working there for 8 months now (though things are still unsure: my contract ends in 2 weeks and officially I have no guarantuee I continue after that). It’s always 3 or 4 month contracts, and after a maximum of 3 years, I have to leave (because there is no way to get a steady contract – it just doesn’t happen, not to anyone.). So I don’t want to make myself any illusions. I know I have to work towards something else to make another step.(but, which one?) But I don’t make the step myself. I kind of let others decide things for me. That’s one of my problems, I guess.

This morning I realized that because of something else. Of course I knew, but something inside me triggered and things became clear. Earlier this year I went to a survival trip abroad. Someone else I picked up along the way, forgot her hiking shoes in my car. I still have them. I tried several times to see if there was a way to get them back, but she isn’t someone who responds clearly. Now she is around, and needs them soon.

As I said, this person is not very clear in contacts, when you write to ask when or where, she doesn’t answer anymore, and if she does, everything is very last minute. I’ve wrote to check to see if I can hand them over today, or she can pick them up somehow , but I notice I adapt myself , like most of the times. I let others decide direction. Decide how my day looks like. Decide when or how I will act. This time, I will not do that – though it almost happened. Now the moment of me being able to drop them off is over, so now she will have to come get them herself. I will not constantly ask anymore; if she wants them, she has to make sure to be in touch and respond and figure a way out to get them herself.

But still- that I always first try to plan my things around others –

Something about that isn’t right. It happens too much.

But that’s because I can’t really decide myself, because nothing matters that much somehow to make a clear decision myself. I don’t have a very clear goal, purpose, thing I want to. That’s the problem.

I need (want) to do something about that, but I have no idea where to start and what to do.

What is there left to say?

Inside of me, there is so much I want to say, but when I try to start , nothing comes out.

Nothing new really.

Things are kind of the same.

Work is going along, but it’s for a change less busy. It must be of the holiday time. It’s nice not to be under the time pressure and stress anymore though, but it’s such a big change compared to so short ago. But that’s the same with a volcano outburst can be; one day it’s like it’s not active at all, the other day it explodes.

My love came to see me for almost two weeks. We spend a very nice time together – everything is less numb when she’s around. Things just seem to change, somehow. I feel like going to places, doing things. When she’s gone, like now, all that fades away. It’s really weird how fast things can change.

Even though the last few weeks were pretty full of activities – work, spending time with my love, we went to an interactive museum, visited a submarine, went out for dinner, went out for playing pool and such , and I visited my friend and we cooked and we went out to a sushi place (but I don’t like raw fish so I eat other things) , which were all pretty nice events- everything starts to be numb and meaningless again. My love has left again, and is far away again.

I’m glad I work 5 days this week, because I need a distraction. (I’m lucky to have 5 days planned: Because it’s not so busy, a lot of colleages got less, like 2 or 3 days). But what if the week after I work just 2 days? Then there’s so much time….and my parents will be here again, back from their holidays.(Which means: adapt again).

I’m in a huge doubt whether to or not to move and live on my own. Well, on my own – could be with flatmates or something like that too. Because when lookingat the prices, seriously, I do not understand how people can pay everything. A simple room is a week of my salary – ( a fulltime one). A flat a two weeks salary (a fulltime one). What if I don’t get enough hours, how would I pay things? The risk is too high. (But at the same time, I know the decisions I make are 90% rational and ‘safe’). Do I see it wrong?

It looks nice to have a place for myself, but; then I can’t save money anymore (I’m saving again for moving abroad, holidays, renewing my stuff, going to my love and paying off my debt (university). Maybe it’s wiser to wait. To bear everything, save as much as I can, save for my move abroad, invest in a language course, pay off my student debt.

I don’t know. Making rational decisions should be easy, but it’s not. Making decisions on feelings, I don’t know, it should be more difficult. But I don’t feel what to do. I don’t know – there are too much perspectives, so I guess that is all rational and not based on emotions.

Life turned into a dull void again. The beautiful things, and things that seem to move me are out of reach again. And so it continues …

Can’t believe its just four days


Just four days ago, I woke up next to you. Now, I wake up alone again.

Feeling empty, and nothing seems to matter anymore.

My days pass, because of this crazy busy job, but my life is empty.

This is not my place. This is not my home. This is not my world.

I don’t know exactly where it is, but I know that things are becoming so empty when you are away again. I try to stay positive, but it’s hard. I guess the depression is far away, but maybe once it caught you, it will never completely stay away. It leaves a scar that never goes. But that’s okay.

I have too much questions. Future? Job? What I should do?

But I guess I know deep inside.

It’s about taking risks. Leaving everything behind. Letting go.

I don’t know why I have to prepare myself and just can’t do and go, so it takes a lot of time.

But this emptiness, sucks. This is not how life should be. THis is not how I want life to be.


The prison I try to escape from

Since a few days my mood goes a bit up and down. Or, not really up, it goes between neutral and low. Things keep repeating in my head: this is not my place, this is not a right environment, whatever I do, I need to get out of here.

Probably it will take some time (or is that just a simple excuse?) to move again. Now is not the good time somehow.  This whole not having any form of income thing is not making it better but I don’t see it how to get out of this – it’s probably not a problem at all and not so hard to a lot of people, but this very ‘simple (?) thing, is a disaster for me. I keep fighting with it. I don’t get out of this. And I can feel eyes staring at me. Looking at me every move I make. Brains making judgements. Thinking; how can she act so stupid? How can she even think like that? How can she not act? Voices saying: she’s not so dumb, how can she not get that? How can she not understand that?

Yesterday, I didn’t manage to get out of the house. At the end of the day, I felt really sad. This overall sadness is here, but I just manage to push it away from time to time. And what do I do to make it better? Nothing. Nothing at all.

I keep falling in these traps. Keep falling in these feelings. In these thoughts, that I am not welcome anywhere. That I have no place to be, that I don’t belong anywhere. That I am always too much.

And now, it’s weekend. I don’t like weekends. I feel trapped in weekends. I have not really somewhere to go (which has good things, I agree, but now it’s too directionless).

And today, there’s a special Jiu Jitsu training. And I think I would like to go, but at the same time, I don’t want to. New people, I don’t know them, I’m just a beginner again, it’s 3 hours, and how do I interact? (I’m not in the best mood to interact-what to say about myself if they ask me questions? There’s not much to tell).

The clock is ticking. In a couple of hours it starts, and I still have to decide if I go or not.

If I won’t , I probably feel a bit sad that I didn’t try. If I do……. I don’t know.
I know what the logical answer would be. But moving, trying to get out of this trap…..
rationally, it’s all so easy. I wish it would be all so easy.

Never growing up


Since today, I (finally) own a longboard. I’ve been thinking about buying a longboard for over a year now. Because of several reasons (they are not soo cheap, and – I know, it’s stupid- what other people think about it , I never dared to, somehow. I know some people think I am childish and this is not something for a grown up woman to do. But the idea of longboarding never really left my mind.

Two days ago, after a conversation with i-love-very-much-far-away-friend, I thought: sheesh, it’s crazy that I am thinking of this so long and never bought it, it’s my life, I should make fun and do what I think is nice, and I always worked hard when I had a job and you know what? F*ck everyone, I am going to buy it. And so I did. Today it came with the mail. Yeah, I spend money, it was a bit uncomfortable but if this brings me a bit of happiness, and it’s good to move sometimes…….and I didn’t make a loan for it and I didn’t steal anything. I bought it with my own money. *Why do I even try to talk it right for myself?*

Right when it came, I unpacked it and took the board outside. Didn’t look if there were any people around (there weren’t really I think) and I rode the street a few times. And really…….I am happy with this board, it’s the perfect board – flexible, comfortable, it just rides lovely.

Oh, and I decided I also will go to see my i-love-very-much-far-away-friend in December. I’m going to buy a plane ticket soon.

F#ck everyone who has a negative opinion about everything. I can have some happiness too from time to time. And if no one wants me as an employee, what do people want from me? That I’m going to stay at home for months again and rot away and be unhappy? I had enough shit in life, so NO. No no no no NO.


Fragments of inner conflicts


Another sunrise,

I look out of my window

Sitting on my bed alone,

no matter what I try, no matter what I do, no matter what I think,

inside of me there is emptiness

because i miss you.


I never thought I could love again, I never thought I could feel happy – even temporary happiness seemed not possible anymore. Everyday, I ask myself why am I here, why am I not with you? What should I do with my life? These questions, and directionless, I float in this world of the past, questioning myself like a devil’s advocate.

Your life seems stable, way more stable then mine. Your life seems with purpose, filled with a support system, filled with paths, with plans, with a future. And I know that even if these things are there, life isn’t easy for you neither and you have struggles too. But this contrast is sometimes messing up in my head.I’m someone who is lost, who can not find a way in life, who can not deal with life, who can not take care of herself – I don’t have income and I don’t know how to solve this (I know, this sounds stupid, but finding a job is not so easy for me and I don’t believe in benefits; they turned me down when I really needed help so why the hell should anyone still help me?) And so much more things spinning in my head. I so would love to have a bit of a job that doesn’t drive me crazy (What if someday someone forces me to work in a factory and do the same movements second after second, without moving, without thinking, it would kill me inside, I really tried it before, but if anyone forces me to do anything like that, something else inside me dies too – don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for people who can do this kind of work- but I just can’t). What the hell am I doing in this country again? The place where the sky is grey, where everyone around seems to be moving, but I’m stuck in the gutter and where I feel like I’m a monster, because I can not seem to deal with life here.

Can I feel happy? Can I do things that makes me happy? Even if they might be different from the main stream? It doesn’t feel that way, since a lot of people point fingers, call you lazy and stupid, but things are not so black and white.

I’ve learned a lot the last time and I don’t want to be a machine – there is more in life than work- I worked before very hard and many hours, there was a time I started at 4.00 in the morning and came home at 23.00 in the evening, when I worked 3 jobs, it was crazy, and where did it bring me? Where did all these years of hard working got me? Into unemployment, into feelings of worthlessness, into someone who is on earth but doesnt seem to deserve a place.

Is work and status so much more important than humanity? Do people really want other people to feel bad because of they dont have a job or cant find a job and do they really wish bad things to the other and blame them for not being able to be part of that system?

I dont want to be a part of a world like that. It’s crazy. It’s sick. I care about wellbeing of people, animals, living things, about a lot, but I can’t find words to describe. I’m not a cold , not caring person, like some people used to say about me- no, I ‘ve been captured in apathy sometimes, in depression, in despair. Does that make me a monster?

And now, I saw something beautiful in life, something I never expected to happen, things have different sides too and things are not particularly easy;

What if you love someone who is so much the opposite of you? What if you’re the lost and mess up, and the other is stable?

When do you love someone? When are you in love with someone?

How far do you go, for someone you love? How much do you change for someone you love? Will you leave everything behind for someone you love? When do you change your plans for someone? What is more important for you? A person you love, or your personal wants? If you even know your personal wants. What should you do when you don’t know exactly who you are or what you want?

And I could continue like this for hours.

These questions are impossible.

Life is impossible.

I, am impossible.