Doomed to live

Some time ago, one of my friends recommended this series on Netflix to me – Gomorra: La serie – an Italian crime drama series. Thanks to watching this series, I ‘discovered’ this music by this band Mokadelic.  Especially one of their songs is one that kind of resonated with me : Doomed to live.

Doomed to live. That’s exactly how I feel sometimes.

I don’t seem good enough to make a decent life. I’m not bad enough to have a very miserable life. I’m not even good or bad enough to be in between. I’m not good enough to make it in this world and keep things spinning, and not bad enough to be really sick or disfunctioning or whatever you call it.

I’m not even in the middle. Somewhere that falls everywhere in between.
I didn’t choose this. I didn’t choose life. Nor did I choose death.

I am just stuck, and doomed to live. Because I’m here. Because I’m there.

That’s what it is. Doomed to live.

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And that was the doctor..

Today I had an appointment with this doctor that is hired by the job agency. He’s the only one who is allowed to give advice. I found him a bit quick somehow, like I expected to tell more in detail what caused all of this, but he seemed only interested in the essentials/basics. This part made me a bit unhappy. But he found it ‘legitimate’ that I called in sick. So that is the good part , I guess. But I found it pretty superficially – the whole thing. I was not sure what to expect but I thought it would go a bit ‘deeper’. Causes, real examples, stuff like that.  Maybe a wrong expectation.

He said he thinks it’s being overworked, and he wants me to start working again slowly. But that I can’t do anything stressful and I need structure. He will put that in his advice. And I kind of have to follow that. Starting with two hours a day and slowly building up. I have to go see him in six weeks. If things do not go better or did not change, he will refer me to some special psychologists that are also hired by my employer. Tomorrow I will call the ‘sickservice’ to see with them how we do this.

I don’t know if I’m happy or not. I’m afraid nothing will change at work anyway. I don’t see how this can get better, but maybe that is my depressed view at things.

I feel depressed today. Like, really depressed. I just hope tomorrow is better.

 

Trying something new

So far, in all these years of my life and its usual issues like depression, I sticked to the common things as medication, psychologists, psychiatrists and nurses and stuff like that. I don’t think or expect ever to get rid of it, but as time goes by and it keeps coming back,  I’m sometimes tired of everything.

Not long ago I came across a book (What Doesn’t Kill Us: How Freezing Water, Extreme Altitude and Environmental Conditioning will Renew our Lost Evolutionary Strength by Scott Carney). I found it interesting so I bought the book and started reading it.

Because of this, my previous experiences with outdoor & survival trips I did myself (similar principles I would say, it’s not the same but has similarities) and reading stuff about this Dutch guy Wim Hof (also known as the iceman) and his method I thought this would be worth a try. Basically it’s based on three pillars: Cold, Breathing and Commitment. I’m not going to explain this very much here, it’s better to read it on the website because all the info is there and I’m just a beginnner and newbie in all of it.

I’ve been reading about people using this method for physical and mental health improving and it’s just interesting so I thought I could try some of it myself and test it.

So far I did very less of the breathing, but started with cold showers (or end showers cold, I should say).  I don’t know yet if I can really say or notice changes yet, I just try to test it. And after a while I’ll try to give an update about it.

Also, I started to train a little bit with my recently bought indoboard, to train my balance. That is way easier said than done. I struggle with my balance and I don’t seem to have a lot of strenght in my legs if I have to believe the instructionposter. But I’m trying, to improve stuff. I’m just trying….

The sick leave.

It has been quiet on my blog for a while now. I’ve been struggling at work for a while and no matter how much I’ve been wanting to write, nothing comes out. I type a few words, but then they don’t make sense, so I keep up starting to write, but I can never finish.

My head is, or maybe was, a mess and sometimes it is so difficult to make any sense of the storm that goes along inside my head. Maybe it’s like standing in the middle of a tornado, in the eye, you can see everything blowing and flying around you, but you can’t grasp or grab anything.

For a while now, things at work didn’t go so nicely. More and more experienced colleagues left (because of their contracts ended – not because of disfunctioning, but since most of ‘us’ are hired by a job agency and there’s this stupid law that creates the fact that after 3,5 years, we can not stay because of that. At that point they have to give a permanent contract which they don’t do, but at the same time the people who have to leave are replaced by newbies who are going to learn and do the exact same stuff.  And after 3,5 years you finally know how it works here, but the newbies (not their fault) create a lot of extra work for the oldies who are in the end of their contracts (because of inexperience , not their fault again, it’s how my employer works).

Next to that,  a certain chain of events and things happened which did not make it possible for me to do my job right. My work is planned for me from minute to minute, and is tracked and followed. Crazy I would say. I can’t always do what is needed, because of that, and that stings. You can ask for time, but I never got it. It’s so frustrating to have to ask for time to be able to finish a part of your job and not getting it for weeks and then getting questions and e-mails like “we would like the results’ – yeah, if that would only be possible! If I would only get some time.

Also a crazy action by someone high in the ministry caused a shitload of work. We were not informed in time, we had no clue how to help people, we didn’t have answers, and there were so much people calling because of that. This caused a big change in my work, because everything was removed from my schedule, and I was put on the phone to answer things (which I could not answer….) fully. And that went on for weeks, and it’s going to become months now. The conversations were really not the nicest and took long, and a lot of energy. I really have no problem with a few conversations that are negative or bad, but not the whole day long week in week out. Especially when you see things that people can’t do anything about, and the consequences are so big. I wish I could explain this better, because there is more,  but I lack the English (it’s just not good enough) to explain this and I also don’t want to risk that my employer might recognize me even if that chance is very low.

I’ve been trying to find solutions, like work shorter days, I’ve had several talks with the manager about this, but I could not escape my drop out. For a few weeks I had some panic attacs, breahting trouble, stress reactions and head-blocks and stuff like that that made it so hard to get through the days.  Once it became too much and I had to cry (in front of a few colleagues, darn!).

I don’t think my work takes me serious. It’s easy to shift this on my depression and the will do to my work right. I’m a bit of a perfectionist and I’ve been told I was too involved and concerned about my job. I just take things seriously and want to do it right, and I can not understand how you can not not be involved in the work you do. Apparantly, they don’t want from me to do my job right, they want me to do it fast and don’t care.

So now I’m home for a few weeks now.In three weeks I can see a special doctor who is allowed and can make decisions about sickness and work and how it continues, but I have to travel far for it and it makes me pissed of that I have to wait so long.

My pay continues, but much lower and much less hours than I usually work and I really don’t understand this. I get so less that it worries me a bit and I don’t know what to do – this kind of stuff freaks me out, I don’t get it and it’s hard to fight for something I dont understand what I should get. Maybe there is an additional pay frmo something else but all of that stuff is so complicated and difficult I’m already freaking out before having done anything. If you earn money they know where to find you when they want you to pay, but the other way, if you are out of things and struggling, there is no one or no government who says, do you need some help? They make it as difficult as possible, and that is just so wrong. I’m not doing this on purpose. And I tried everything I could to fix it first myself, but my employer doesnt seem to care.

 

 

I just moved into a new appartment (which is a big big plus compared to my old studio!) so that is positive. The new place is much more quiet, has a seperate sleeping room and a small balcony.

I’ve had a bad Bronchitis which gives me my second antibiotics round now. And I’ve been feeling superguilty to be at home and not work. The first week all I did was sleep. Now I try to go outside from time to time, but, nothing makes sense.

Next to that, my girlfriend  told me a few weeks ago she wants to move abroad again. now that’s no surprise, but it’s sooner than expected, and this made me doubt. Doubt about our relationship, about the future. If I would have known one month earlier, I wouldn’t have moved. I know that we would go abroad , but not now in a few months. So I might end up staying alone here in a more expensive appartment which I might struggle to pay, and I signed up for a year so I’m basically stuck till march next year. (Housing is crazy too – so hard to find something affordable, so I was glad we found something better).

And now?

I don’t know how to continue.

I don’t know how to fix work.

I don’t know what I want myself.

All I know is that my work makes me sick.

All I know is that I should not stay at this job.

All I know is that I will never be happy in this job

All I know is that my employer will not care

All I know is that I have to change, but I don’t know how.

I don’t know how what I really want.

I don’t know how to find a job that doesn’t eat me alive and where I fit and the job fits me.

I don’t know how how to continue things, to leave without no plan or nothing abroad or to live apart for a while from my girlfriend.

I don’t know how to fight or get benefits or the money I get I usually work without making me more sick and stuff

I don’t know if I should to back to work quicly or wait for the doctor in three weeks

There is a lot, of I don’t know.

And people say, follow your feelings. But what if you don’t understand them?

The antidote

IMG_9240Once and maybe not even long ago
Not visible by day
At night only by who knows

They used to keep their heads up high
They used to fight the war that challenged them
They used to sell the truth for a lie.

Telling themselves that it was something to manage
Telling themselves that this was temporary
Not ignoring, but trying to calm the damage.

Roots filled with water
Outside of the shadow in the sun
but poison stays poison
where battle turned in to just begun

sometimes it does not really matter
if an end is a start
or a start an end

it’s where the unknown and the known
where meaning and the emptiness
are meant to blend

 

 

 

 

 

The fishbowl

Lately, I’m really terrible at writing. I just can’t. I’ve been out of internet for a little while at home. That doesn’t help much either. But when I sit and try to touch my keyboard, nothing comes. In my head I feel the soup of words spinning, but they stay there like they are in a fishbowl, you can stare at them and see them, but they can’t get out. That’s how it is.

IMG_9561

Fishbowl. I can’t even draw one, I know.

Life has been a bit empty somehow. I’m struggling with this emptiness, with this nothingness inside of me. Other people seem to experience this less – they don’t feel I’m empty, but for myself, I’m one big hollow fishbowl. You see right through it, because there is nothing. So there is nothing to understand.

I lost motivation at work (again, or maybe  I didn’t lose it-maybe it never went away). I just go to work and do what is necessary. I pay my bills. But it’s as hollow as it sounds.

My grandmother passed away. I can’t even say I feel sad about that. The past and history with all of that, created this superweird situation. No one really misses her, and that is superweird. Yet its superweird how things developed (or didn’t) through the years and all the things that happened created scars that never heal. It’s weird to talk bad about the dead, but at the same time, dead people can still influence. Good and bad. It’s so complicated that I don’t know how to feel about it, and trying to explain tires me so much it blocks every single word that wants to come out. Death is weird to me anyway. Sometimes you see it coming, but when it happens, it’s so , weird. Enough about that.

Lately I’m less comfortable in my studio. I live in a building with few other studios. Some neighbours are really noisy and a bit messy and that irritates me. And I miss an outside space. A seperate room. I can not even really welcome people, my house is small and it’s just (except the bathroom) one long space. I can’t hang things on the wall because the wall is so bad it falls off immediatly and when you bump it it immediatly has a scratch or a little hole. I don’t need a big house, but one seperate room would be so great. When you step into my house, you see everything- kitchen, my couch& bed in one (just two mattrasses that I fold every day).

I stopped going to Jiu Jitsu. I felt broken for a while, not able to go. Yet my motivation is nowhere to be found. I know it’s good for me, but I don’t progress, I am not so happy and funny as the others and I just don’t blend in. That is how I feel, and I still didn’t go. I haven’t practised for months now. And I don’t know what to do with it, but still being a member and paying doesn’t make sense, does it?

Love flew back to her home country. That means I’m home alone now. I’m happy she went to see her friends and family and that she is off.

Now I’m sitting here in this house, not sure what to do. It’s weekend, but I just sit, stare, wonder. I don’t act. There is no motivation in me to do anything. I don’t want to cook, eat, move, go anywhere, read, just nothing.

All I can be is the empty fishbowl.