The pebblestone in the desert

Honestly, I guess I have to admit I don’t have much ‘life’. It’s one of these days again that everything is empty and life seems an endless torture to me. I’m sad, empty and angry at the same time, and yet nothing at all.

Life is just not for everyone. To have a house, to lead a peaceful life, that’s just not for everyone. Like a pebblestone that needs water to bounce, I’m like a pebblestone that ended up in the desert. You just fall, and sink away in the sand: that’s me.

Somehow it’s a rough time again. Family issues, and the more I think about it, the more sick I feel. Emotional traps, nasty games, and even if I’m not super close, it affects me more then I would like to admit. And I feel so sorry for my parents, who are hugely affected by it. When I was younger I was angry at them so many times. And now I understand it better. Some things you just don’t see when you’re young. That they were trapped and part of an unfair, nasty game. I feel sorry for them that their lives are so destroyed and affected. It’s bad to say, but I hope they will be finally free when the person who does that and who is left, dies. That’s terrible to say I realize and know. Yet I’m afraid I think it would really be that way, though they will not ever be free from it: some damage is done forever.

Work was also pretty shitty, it gets worse. I can’t even find the words for it to describe what is going on. But I feel tension going up and up, I feel more pressure and I feel like I’m falling apart. I doubt about things I should not doubt, and I think I do my work less good.

I drag myself at home. I wait for the train, stare in the emptiness of the station, even when it’s full of people. I sit on the train, feeling braindead. I drag myself home; trying to slalom between cars and bikes and walking people who all seem to be in such a hurry and seem to rule the world, where’s there no space for empty people like me.

I hide myself in bed and when the night falls, I go out to the grocery store. Immediatly when you walk in, the neon signs and advertisements jump into your sights. I get superannoyed by that lately; it’s too much. With a task that’s not so difficult; get your groceries together but feels like running a survivalrun, I dissapear into the night again, trying to avoid every other living human being and try to get home as soon as I can, to crawl away in my cave again. I don’t want to face anyone or anything anymore, I just want to be left alone, and yet my heart aches so badly that I don’t know what to do about it. I feel awful, I’m not hungry and I don’t pick up my phone when someone calls.

All I am, is the pebblestone in the desert.

The bad trip

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For something like a week, I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up during the nights.
Work+people around me not well+ the fact that I’m not good in dealing with stress = usually not a good combination.

Last week, I spend an evening with one of my friends. It was nice, we cooked together. After that she dropped me off home. Sometimes before she goes to sleep, she smokes a joint. That unstresses her, and lets her sleep very well. That’s where the idea came to my mind that I could try this to- to finally get some decent sleep (what I so desperately needed).

I don’t smoke, but I had spacecake. Some time ago I bought two slices for foreign visiters who wanted to try. I had one slice left in the freezer. And I thought this would be a good idea. But it was not.

Mistake 1: never take something like that alone. I was home alone.

Mistake 2: never eat the whole slice, start with a small part. But because I was so desperate for sleep, I ate it all.

So. Yeah. It went wrong. I had spacecake before, but nothing ever happened. I tried some weed too before, but nothing ever happened. I didn’t get what was so relaxing or nice about it. But this time was different. The spacecake worked. But not like I wanted:  I had a bad trip. Anxiety, shaking, kept being stuck in some kind of repeat mode.Nothing was real. I didn’t know what was real and what was not. I knew I wasn’t allright, but, I couldn’t control. And I couldn’t sleep.

It became worse and worse. Then I decided I needed help. I needed to be with people. So I tried to call my friend, but she was asleep and did not pick up. (She slept for 12 hours I learned the day after). I ended up calling my parents, in the middle of the night. Because there was no one else to call. They came and pick me up. I felt ashamed. I told the truth.

They were not angry. They came and took me to their house. There I slept. And I lay on the couch for the next day feeling weird, foggy in my head and tired. Now, two days later, I’m still tired. But I felt and feel ashamed. If I would be 16 or something, okay. But I’m  33, and having to call your parents in the middle of the night to come pick you up because of something stupid you did…that’s not cool. I never had to call them for anything like that, because I simply never did. This time I lost control. And I hate losing control.

This? never again.If I need to sleep, I just go to the doctor and see if I can get some medication I guess. But this? Never again. Never, never, never again.

My fortune is freedom

No one yelling, no one trying to make the most profits without being honest,
No pushing and screaming, no mean words,
No rushing and the fight to always be the best and on top.
No rat race, no fighting about a place, or a right to exist,
No war just to have your own little space, warmth, food, and such.

I wish it wasn’t this way, but it seems to get just more and more,
So I run away sometimes, to a place where those things don’t want to be.

There is just silence, the stories of nature and the rain.
The sun and the moon and the stars
Animals, plants, easy and rough terrain.

There, I find peace in myself, and peace with the world.
It’s still not easy, but I won’t regret
You see, that is my world that is hidden from the rest,
The one that keeps me sane.

I just wish, that that was the world I would live in

Every single day.

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The new place.

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So I moved. We moved. To the new place, in the city.

We don’t have a big place, but big enough for us, and we have everything we need. We have a couch. A couch on which you can even sleep if you unfold it. We have a table. Matrasses on the floor, that’s our bed. A kitchen , a bathroom. And even a place to wash our clothes.

No outside, unfortunately, but you can’t have everything. But we have windows. With an okay view. Not the most beautiful view on earth, but, it definitely could be worse. But the perfect view for thunderstorms. And so we had a thunderstorm. Sky on fire. Dark. Rain. Heavy rain.Thunder. Just perfect.

 

 

it’s all that i am

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The first thing you can’t miss is the darkness, or the void.
It’s like having two faces, or a faceless face.
A nothing becomes a huge void, and it grows so large that you can’t see the edges, no matter how long you stare. You can not really look for it either. You can only sense it.

There is nothing left to say, because this is all that I am. And everything that I am not.
Probably it doesn’t make sense if you don’t know the touch of it, but if you do, I do not even need to explain this. It’s harder to grasp than the darkness when the lights fall out. It’s harder to grasp because you can only know if you know.

And where the streets end into the wild, that is maybe where the peace comes back. Though the bitter truth is that you can’t escape it. Sometimes you want to fake it, because the pain becomes so strong that you can’t get rid of it. It’s a pain you can not fight.

you should have forgotten about me
I should have forgotten about you

but should is not the truth

and what keeps me on this line
and I hate it
and I appreciate it
maybe I love it, but I don’t know that now.

All I know is that it’s difficult. Like really difficult.

 

It’s the trash you can’t touch

 

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It’s exactly this;

You find what you are looking for, and then you realize you can’t touch it.

You try to grasp it and understand, but no matter how hard you try

it’s always staying out of reach.

And even if you try and reach out and try again,

Some bars are there not to be broken

and you could try for the rest of your life –

and nothing would ever change.