It’s the kind that hurts the most,
the numb, the void, the empty
where I turn into a ghost.
Waiting. Waiting at a stop, but a stop for what? Nothing is coming. No train. No bus. No subway. Nothing. Grass is growing, because nobody ever walks here. Empty trash bin. Forgotten stop. Nothing ever happens. This is the world of stuck. The world of emptiness. The world of apathy. I want to move. I want to change. And all I do is wait at a stop where nothing ever comes. I need to move myself. Why can’t I move myself? Why do the days pass by and nothing happens? Why can’t I get myself to change. Why don’t I dare to act? Is it about dare? Why do I don’t act? I want a better life. Yet, I don’t do anything. I wait. I look into a future, but I don’t act for getting closer. et cetera. et cetera. et cetera.
Generally, I’m not too fond of running errands. Sometimes it can even make me upset. Not so much the thought or action itself, but something that happens sometimes when I am in the grocery store. Even if I have made a list before I go, sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I can not function normal anymore – suddenly all these possibilities attack me, and I can’t seem to decide what to buy anymore. It’s hard to say what exactly it is. Sometimes I am already not feeling to well before it starts, or everything I planned to buy wasn’t available or it is so expensive I will not buy it, but sometimes I suddenly get all these doubts out of nothing.
So many types and sorts of milk, bread, tomatoes, rice, spinach, tortillas, whatever. Or like I had in mind to cook spaghetti but suddenly see bulgur or tacos and start doubting and an invisible stream of thoughts and doubts in my mind takes over and disturbs me pretty badly. Mostly I end up buying the weirdest combinations and feeling very uncomfortable and a bit dissapointed in myself I didn’t stick to my original plan and I let those things overwhelm me so much I started disfunctioning.
But anyway, I like to have some healthy and nice food, so that means: grocery shopping. But somehow around this time of the year, with upcoming holidays there seems to be some kind of invisible message that says:
It does not seem to matter at what time you go, it is always busy, crowded, crazy, unpleasant. All I want is just get my groceries in peace, without crazy unguided missiles around me that scream and yell and fly everywhere around me and bump your shopping cart and block the paths.
So I try to be a zombie walking through the grocery store trying not to let the crazy world around me bother me too much. My mission this time: get some fruits and vegetables in peace. Half sleepy I start to collect some stuff – rice, soymilk, bread, eggs….
But suddenly my brain receives a signal that seems to get me out of my zombie/sleepy state *POING*
What? Did I really see THAT? Is this for real? In the corner of my eye I spot something that is rare to find in grocery stores around here….
So I rub my eye to check if I’m sleeping, seeing a fata morgana or this is the real world. And I look again. But this is reality:
Tadaa – A papaya! Yummmm! PAPAYA!
For a second I feel like I’m standing there for ages drooling. Then my brain gives a signal again: Hello, wake up, GET that papaya now!
Like it was the last papaya on earth, I jumped over some boxes and almost slipped on a slippery floor where some undefined substance was spoilt.
And there I finally stood in front of the papaya:
Looking at it if I had just found the most rare diamond on earth.
With probably a smile on my face (because I was so surprised to find a papaya in the store) I finally touched the treasure I found today. Wow, it was REAL. And so my grocery shopping ended nicely for a change.
If you love people, you help them, right? If you love people, you do things for them, right? If you should love people, you help them and do things for them, right? If people are your family, you should love them right? If people are your family, you should help them right? No matter what. You need to help people you love or people who are your family.
Anyway, all of that, is more important than me. I’m a depressed nobody who doesn’t know what to do anyway and no one really cares so the least thing I can do is some things for others – at least I’ll be a bit usefull in a way. At least that makes me a bit less useless (but I’m still useless). I don’t work, I don’t have anything important to do, so I guess I’ll just try to make other people’s lives easier. It’s heavy for them and I’m useless anyway. Guilt, guilt, enormous feelings of guilt.
Person # And I have no money left so I can not buy food and I can’t travel there and there and I have no money anymore at home and blablablablabla….(goes on for a while)
Me talking to myself # I should give some of my money, so that person can eat at least and go to those places where that person wants/needs to go. I’m just sitting here with my savings and not earning anything but I feel bad about knowing the other can not eat and can not do what that person wants and if that person has money that person can continue. So I better give money, since I don’t know what to do anyway and I am just sitting here and wasting myself and the money I have doesn’t solve my issues anyway. Feeling guilty, and feeling bad because I know giving money doesn’t solve this issue and it’s going to happen again and if I want it back I need to ask for it several times because the other person just forgets. But I feel so guilty and bad for the other person I give something. (A small war of cursing myself of being stupid and another war of being so selfish is somewhere in the background in my brain playing)
Person # I am so busy and I do not have time to put this on the mail and blahblahblablablablabla.
Me # Oh, I’ll bring it to the mailbox for you. I have nothing to do anyway. There is nothing waiting for me anyway. I don’t have to be anywhere at a certain time. I guess I should do it so you can continue your busy life and you don’t have to deal with this. I will go there.
Person # Is always low on money and when I go there I think of taking groceries because I know that person doesn’t have much groceries at home. I know that person spends money on things – less needed to survive instead.
Me # . I will buy everything that person likes (even if that is more expensive because that person wants biological/ecological stuff) and even if it’s kind of that persons own fault and making certain choices, I still feel bad and everytime I end up taking expensive groceries I would never buy myself because it’s simply to expensive for me. At least that person can eat a bit healthy again and doesn’t skip eating and at least ……
Phonecall. Person # I’m coming in 10 minutes. Can you pick me up from the railwaystation and bring me there and there?
Me # Uh…yeah, sure ….I guess. I don’t have anything to do anyway, so I guess I can do that. I’ll be right there. I will drop immediatly whatever I’m doing or what I’ve planned.
Person # And my bookcase is broken and this is broken and I need to have this painted and blablablablabla….
Me # Ends up fixing the bookcase, repairing whatever I can repair and leave all my own things to do- the piles of clothes and mess of papers for what it is. My sheets without bedclothes for weeks I leave just lying there. Because I need to help the other person.
And so I can continue with so many other things. Many other things. Some of the persons are actually the same, but I don’t feel like talking too much about who they are. But I guess they take advantage of me. And I let people take advantage of me.
And I feel guilty about both. I end up sitting overthinking and feeling bad because of it all.
And so on, slowly, my life is taken over and is not my life anymore.
Oh wait, I didn’t have one….
Sometimes, when I don’t feel great, I try to “socialize” because that seems to be good. Honestly, 99% of the time I spend alone and do not socialize very much. And yeah, I have to admit sometimes I feel really lonely and I miss people around me, but at the same time it is very hard to be with people. Really wish that was easier. Also, it’s in some advice things -to deal with depression- Even when you don’t feel like it – sometimes you have to force yourself. Socializing with other people is important. And sometimes I feel guilty about those things, and somehow it doesn’t seem fair to only flood about all the negative things depression causes and never try anything to get out of it.
So okay, I go to visit one of the very few persons I can visit. Honestly, I don’t know anymore when someone is a friend or not. But I assume those persons love you somehow and you love them somehow and you can be you around them – that said makes it difficult. But I guess you should not feel bad about being with a person that should be a friend. Whatever. No time now to get lost in that.
Anyway, I try to ask them about the things they are doing and show interest in their lives and things they do and listen. Sometimes I try to take a small present, help them with things they need to get done, cook for them or whatever. I think I love them somewhere and I am proud of them in certain ways, but I have to say sometimes I do feel very uncomfortable being with them, because the difference in our lives is so, so huge.
So I listen to their stories about going out, about work, about their plans and about their adventures. But when they tell me about it, deep inside of me there is a very sad feeling. I am truly happy for them though, do not misunderstand that.
I am really happy they do great at work. Really happy they enjoy going out. That they enjoy things – for sure it would make me feel sad when they are/would be sad.
But often, something else happens that really makes me feel uncomfortable and lately I have no idea how to deal with that anymore…
They start about……me. Are you still sitting at home doing nothing? Ehh. Well, I know what you have to do! You should apply for jobs and get a job and work and earn money again and get a small flat and buy your own stuff and get tv and you can watch nice series and hang out relaxing and ….. (a million more words about that)
(Blahblahblah not to speak bad of them, I do know they probably mean it in a good way, but there is no chance to respond and this person just floods me with this – thats what the blahblah stands for)
Or you know what? Maybe just get benefits (As if that is so easy!). (Thoughts: do you know how hard it is to get out of the door? How hard it is to dress yourself and look a bit normal? How hard it is to talk to other people? And how massive hard it would be to ask for benefits and know they are probably going to blame you for being in this position now and never took action to not slip away so deep)
And I just stand or sit there listening – heard this so many times before and no matter how much I try to explain how things are or how I feel – it happens over and over again. And that makes me feel even more bad. Even more lonely, and misunderstood.
And quietly, I cry. Or at least, I feel like crying. Because crying is not something I do often -for years I wasn’t able to cry at all. Now sometimes a few tears are slipping away. I guess you can’t call that crying, but my heart is crying a lot.
Numb, and empty. That’s how most of my days are. My life isn’t very exciting. Not going out of the house often, almost everyday is some kind of the same. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month.
After I finally got up, sitting on my chair, computer switched on. Staring at the screen. Reading a bit, looking at things, seeing if my online friends are there and how they are. And what they have planned for the day. Lately though, they are not so often there anymore and I just sit there in emptiness – staring.
After a while I decide I should eat, so I get some breakfast (actually it’s almost lunchtime). But the taste? Like eating air. Things don’t seem to matter much somehow. I just sit, and eat something that tastes like air. That’s all.
So there I am, just sitting and trying to figure out what to do today. Or maybe better said: how to pass the day. Trying to think of things to do. And try to act. All that happens lately, is that time just goes by and I’m sitting there in apathy.
Sometimes I walk down and up the stairs, to get a tea or a coffee or a cappucino.
And again. And again. And again. And again.
There I sit staring at the computer. Watching / letting time passing by. Sometimes reading a bit, seeing a short documentary. Sometimes talking a bit to people online, but lately that doesn’t really happen anymore. Not sure what exactly happened….just feel very disconnected, and I speak less and less with them. Somehow I seem to be the only one with such a pathetic life -spending all day long online just sitting there. Next to that, it seems like the ability to talk or have conversations has gone. I have no idea what to say anymore if I see someone online and somehow that is hard, makes me feel a bit guilty, because–I like them and I kind of consider them as friends (is that weird?) and I definitely wish them all the best and hope that things go well for them and I am happy to see them, but I can’t show that somehow. It is really frustrating. Also, that makes me feel more guilty, bus also hurt somehow and very disconnected. Not sure why.
And well…….that’s how the day goes untill it reaches midnight.
Hello midnight. So yeah…sleeping time? Hm. Washed my bedclothes but no energy to put it on my blankets.
Well whatever. It’s no priority to sleep, right? You can sleep under blankets without
Standing in my room. Looking at my bed and sleeping clothes (don’t even have pajamas, just some kind of tracksuit in which I sleep. But sometimes, even putting them on feels like too much and – another shamefull thing to admit- sometimes, I just do not put them on and lie down in my clothes I wore all day long.
Thousands thoughts. Feeling weird about not putting on my sleeping clothes and having blankets without bedclothes, but I can’t seem to do anything about it. So there I just lie down, in bed.
After a while, I finally fall asleep. Untill I wake up again.
And lately, there is trouble to wake up or get out of bed. After I wake up, I stay in bed for hours sometimes, and sit on my bed and think what to do with the day. It’s empty, just like yesterday. Empty, empty, empty. Don’t even bother to shower, or put on some other clothes.
Finally, the same things as yesterday happens again. Step out of bed, switch on the computer. And there I sit again. Trying to think how to pass this day. How to change.
And how I feel. Sometimes a bit of feeling comes through the being numb.
But I guess even that is empty. But it feels horrible sometimes.Even if it’s empty.
This is just not how life should be. Just not how it should be.