When the sun goes down

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Sometimes,
or maybe just once,
all the colors of the world dissapear,
and you sink in to the deep
where there is no light

You sit on the bottom of the cave
and can’t fall deeper,
but can’t climb – you’re completely stuck

I don’t know what is worse,
but all I know is
that even if you’re on the bottom of the cave

and when the sun goes down
it does come up again
even if you can not bear the light.

The pebblestone in the desert

Honestly, I guess I have to admit I don’t have much ‘life’. It’s one of these days again that everything is empty and life seems an endless torture to me. I’m sad, empty and angry at the same time, and yet nothing at all.

Life is just not for everyone. To have a house, to lead a peaceful life, that’s just not for everyone. Like a pebblestone that needs water to bounce, I’m like a pebblestone that ended up in the desert. You just fall, and sink away in the sand: that’s me.

Somehow it’s a rough time again. Family issues, and the more I think about it, the more sick I feel. Emotional traps, nasty games, and even if I’m not super close, it affects me more then I would like to admit. And I feel so sorry for my parents, who are hugely affected by it. When I was younger I was angry at them so many times. And now I understand it better. Some things you just don’t see when you’re young. That they were trapped and part of an unfair, nasty game. I feel sorry for them that their lives are so destroyed and affected. It’s bad to say, but I hope they will be finally free when the person who does that and who is left, dies. That’s terrible to say I realize and know. Yet I’m afraid I think it would really be that way, though they will not ever be free from it: some damage is done forever.

Work was also pretty shitty, it gets worse. I can’t even find the words for it to describe what is going on. But I feel tension going up and up, I feel more pressure and I feel like I’m falling apart. I doubt about things I should not doubt, and I think I do my work less good.

I drag myself at home. I wait for the train, stare in the emptiness of the station, even when it’s full of people. I sit on the train, feeling braindead. I drag myself home; trying to slalom between cars and bikes and walking people who all seem to be in such a hurry and seem to rule the world, where’s there no space for empty people like me.

I hide myself in bed and when the night falls, I go out to the grocery store. Immediatly when you walk in, the neon signs and advertisements jump into your sights. I get superannoyed by that lately; it’s too much. With a task that’s not so difficult; get your groceries together but feels like running a survivalrun, I dissapear into the night again, trying to avoid every other living human being and try to get home as soon as I can, to crawl away in my cave again. I don’t want to face anyone or anything anymore, I just want to be left alone, and yet my heart aches so badly that I don’t know what to do about it. I feel awful, I’m not hungry and I don’t pick up my phone when someone calls.

All I am, is the pebblestone in the desert.

Living what life?

Imagine. But it’s a truth.

I have a day job.A changing amount of hours every week. Nothing steady, nothing fancy.   Permanent contracts out of the question . It’s not the question if you have to leave or not:  the question is when.

It’s not a special job: everyone could do it I guess, there is no special degree needed for it, though when they make selections, they kind of pretend it that way.

Despite that the colleagues are nice, I guess the job is not making me happy at all. I keep telling myself that it could be worse, and seriously, this is not the worst job I had. In fact it’s the best, as you speak in friendliness and payment. But that, is not everything.

And however I make enough to support myself, it will not, or never,  make me rich. It will not help me to buy a house or something. It will just help me to pay the bills, and lead a moderate life in terms of – yeah, in terms of what exactly?

Work became something I don’t look forward to anymore. It became dull, unrewarding, and the days become longer, though in minutes they didn’t expand at all. I feel like a robot, a part of a system that isn’t really a good one, but, that’s something you should’t care or question about; it just makes things more complicated for yourself.

there are a lot of indications that this isn’t the job that makes me happy.It gets harder in time. I get headaches, I’m tired, and I care less, I lost my motivation. I try to do things right, but it’s never right anyway and hard working doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s not even notices. Maybe I would really like to find a job in my field of interest, but I don’t really know what my field of interest is. Often people say that is bullshit, but I’m really not sure myself.

As well I always feel like I’m not qualified enough or there is too much asked in a profile which I’m not. Also this game of who’s the best candidate, and all this fancy stuff, isn’t my thing. Sometimes I wonder about going back to study, but it’s unsure how I could afford that or support myself. And if I could make it, with my mental struggles. I guess I have motivation issues. It’s not that I don’t want, I’m not sure exactly what it is. It just makes things complicated. I also wonder if the degree or certificate would help anyway- I don’t think so). It would be just lost money. But what am I working towards to? To keep working like this and supporting myself to rent a house and buy food and keep that going for 20 or 30 years?
I passed the point where all the questions and thoughts keep me from sleeping. It became normal part of my life. Where simply a year ago these things would keep me up , they became a part of me – they don’t keep me from sleeping, but just continue during my sleep.

I wish I could explain how I feel. But the truth is: I’m not sure myself.

All I know is that I struggle to find my words, to find my feelings, to find the change.

All I know is that what you are reading, are just words to you, but it’s blood of my soul.

And all the words that I can’t find, are frustrating me that I can’t get them out.

That I can’t find the step to change. That I can’t do things different.

that I don’t know what I feel. That I dont know what i want.

That I just can’t make things better for myself.

What am I living?

Not everything is possible

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Outside the window,
I see fog, the traffic, the sky
trees saying goodbye to their leaves
they turned from green to yellow to leafless
but there is no rain

A deep sigh, it’s my own, and I don’t even hear
Staring to the outside world,
I’m a statue on my own couch
Frozen, where silence remains

After all
Sometimes the world is just living its life
no matter if you want to be part of it
it plays its game, dead or alive.

The hibernation

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All I want is sleep. All I feel is tired.

Again ,I have a hard time dealing with work. Working 8 hours a day is a no go, so I managed to reduce that to 6. But again, that seems too much. I’ve been feeling sick last week, but now I’m not sick enough to stay in sick, and not well enough to work.

After a few hours, and not even being superbusy, I’m broken. I come home, collapse on the couch and that’s where you’ll find me the rest of the time. (Thank you universe or whatever it is, for my love existing, being here and being with me: she makes sure I’ll get healthy food.)

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I know that I am tired and I can sleep all the time. I do not even feel particularly bad or something. I’m just tired, and I don’t know why.

I don’t think I feel very depressed (yeah, I am always a bit empty and neutral: dysthymia) but is that the reason? I really don’t know. Is it the weather? Is it winter coming? Somehow I can not see any patterns in the depressions I have, and I don’t think it’s more present that usual, because it definitely has been worse. I take extra vitamins, and I watch the food I eat, and my love takes care of that too. But still, not much change.

I’m awake, but too tired to do something really. No energy. Sometimes I sleep, but when I’m awake I’m not sleepy enough to sleep. And now, all I want is to be in hibernation-mode.

I called in sick last week, but I went to work today. And now I feel exhausted. I slept two hours after I came home, and all I do is lie on the couch or in bed. And I want to sleep again.

Sleep, sleep, sleep. Really, I wish the world allowed hibernation for humans too. I guess I need it now.

And I feel guilty, because I can’t keep up with work, not even with less hours. While I don’t have ‘a good reason that I can explain’.  It shouldn’t matter, but yeah. I’ll go to the doctor this week. But meh, I just don’t know.

 

ps. This drawing is re-used, from the time when I talked about my life as couch potato in cartoon version.I’ve been running out of inspiration and pictures, so I’ll re-use them until I find the spirit back to get some new ones.

So yeah, I feel like crap.

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I guess I knew it was kind of ‘coming’, but somehow I seemed to think it would pass without anything special. I always had these periods of emptiness, of feeling useless and crap, feeling awful because of this emptiness and nothingness. I guess this is the depression. It has been away for quite some time. Well it never really is but it seemed not so bad. But I feel tired, exhausted, and empty. Especially this emptiness is terrible.

At work, I arranged something. Last week I went to a talk about mental stuff at work, and I got to know two of my direct colleagues were there too. They had issues too, they spoke, but I kept silent. I didn’t reveal what is the dark side in me. No one really knows, and I would like to keep it that way I think.

But with several things at work (that don’t work so well) my frustration and feeling not well is growing. I had , and have, trouble to make full days at work. So I grabbed my guts together and went to the manager. Well his replacement – officially I have another manager, but  he’s on holiday and I don’t feel comfortable because he does never really act. This woman manager does.

I don’t think I had a very coherent story and I remained pretty abstract, I said something like I was not so happy anymore at work lately, I had trouble to get through the day and a little about this depression. Boom. There is was out.

I didn’t have a long talk, and I remember her saying she is not familiar with depression, but she arranged shorter working days for me for the upcoming time. Which seems to give me space. Or I hope it will, to get myself together again.

But she wants to have regular contact. Like know if this helps. Like in next week. That was some kind of pressure too, because depression doesn’t lift in one week, does it? So I am not sure how she sees this.

I guess this is a good thing, but I’m not sure about my position at work. It’s already under pressure, maybe I should not care, but I don’t hope this makes things worse.

While I was walking on the street from the grocery store tonight, I felt like a zombie. I just stare empty into this world, and everything seems empty. I don’t get exactly why emptiness is so awful. I crawled away on the couch, and somehow I managed to put chicken in the oven for dinner. I’m really trying to keep myself together, but sometimes, that is difficult.

Yesterday I saw this video, and somehow I relate to it. I don’t like the music too much, but the rest spoke to me.

I don’t know if it makes any sense to post it here, but I’ll just post it.

 

I’m trying, but it’s a struggle

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I try to walk. But the walk is not easy.I try to keep moving. But it’s hard.

After I came back from Sweden, from being cut off from the world mostly, I had some trouble to step back in society, in the other life, or however you want to call it.

The contrast was just, I don’t know, overwhelming, and everything seemed too fast, too much pressure, too stressed, to pushy.

The world, and society, really rush and have this enormous pressure and speed. It’s unbelievable how much this seems to has its toll on me. I don’t know if I’m just weak as a human being, but I really find it difficult to keep up with life, with society, with work, with all the things everyone seems to expect from you. Working eight hours a day is the standard but I have a hard time hanging on to that. It’s a bit too much, somehow. I just barely hang on to these eight hours.

As for that, I am fighting too against this depression around the corner – will they ever leave? Or is it melted in my soul?

I am having trouble too since I live on my own again (well, with my love) to find my own pace, to find my own things. I just get lost mostly. I feel lost in the city, lost in life, I don’t seem to have a direction. I just float.

Like walking around but being invisible to everyone.
Walking around silently in noise, and not being able to escape it.

Living in my own place gives peace but it has traps too – there is nothing to force or push me, and I tend to stay in and become inactive – i know this and I try to resist this, to keep moving and going outside, but seriously, this is difficult.

I still keep going to Jiu Jitsu – that seems to go well lately, but next to that my days are pretty empty. I can’t find my things to do. I wish I felt something, some connection to things that I seem to like. But I don’t feel it. It’s maybe numb again, that nothing matters (while it matters a lot).

I don’t know how I feel, I just float. I’m not happy, I’m not unhappy, I am numb. And I find it hard to deal with life, to deal with work. I feel like I just want to sleep and lie on the couch and not move. I wish I could really turn myself off for a while, just like a computer you shut off.

I just wish I could feel or knew a direction where I want to go, or where I wish to be, where I can work towards to. But yet everything is numb and empty. And everything feels meaningless.

And I don’t know what’s worse, feeling awful from depression or feeling empty and numb.

All I know is that it doesn’t feel nice.