The scar

 

There is a place, in my heart

where a deep cut, has been made

without a knife, but a lot of power

that the force, also touched my soul.

it will never grow, and it will never heal

Sometimes things that have hurt your soul,

and have hurt your heart, well, you can not simply “just forget”

touched deeply, and I refuse to turn my head

and see the scar, that is in my heart.

I am, not blind.

Time flies, even when you’re not having fun

Sometimes time doesn’t only fly when you’re having fun, but it can also fly when you are not having fun. In the past, I remember a lot of days that just wouldn’t pass and went by so so slowly, but now, even  when the days are depressing or sad or empty, they just pass so quickly.

Suddenly times passes so much quicker now my move abroad comes closer – and I’m ready and I’m not ready. Departure day used to be quite far away, somehow it came close so fast while it seemed far away and there was plenty of time, and now I can feel the minutes and seconds coming close.

Somehow, things are overwhelming me. I wanted to be completely ready to leave but I am still not. There are still plenty of things to do; pack one of my bags, print my tickets, arrange my room. But somehow inside of me there is complete chaos. There are certain feelings that I find difficult to deal with. Rationally, I know this is the right thing to do and that this will be a good step which hopefully makes me move forward again, but emotionally, or something, there are so much things going on I can not really find the words for to describe and I find very hard to handle, and don’t really know how to deal with. It’s mixed up, and I feel these waves going through me that feel like I will crash and explode like waves can crash on the shore – waterdrops into so many tiny pieces, crushed, all over the place. I guess I should let certain things go, but, I don’t seem to be able to do so. Really, I wish letting go was easier, with certain things.

I seem to be an icecube that can not move. But time doesn’t wait or stop. That is very, very clear. Life doesn’t wait, nothing waits. Got to move. Nothing waits. But I’m standing still. The life I lead is not mine. It’s not me. But I have to move. Even when I froze, I have to move.

The last couple of days I have been wanting to write more, but somehow nothing came out. I manage to read other blogs, but replying freezes as well (sorry). I felt often that I wanted to write something but when I try, everything seems to freeze and I can not seem to finish or write it. Somehow I can’t have much on my plate, even with the smallest things I feel like I’m totally exhausted. I’m just ouf ot energy, too exhausted, tired, I don’t know. Probably it will be good that my move is soon now and that I will be in a world on a distance from everthing in my life. I need this distance. I need to get away from the life that is not mine. The life others want me to be. The life others seem to expect , or try to control. (But why is it still so hard??)

Well, I might be “away” for a (little?) while soon because in a few days I will make my move abroad. And I have no idea how internetacces will going to be. Also, I don’t have a computer myself I can take so it may stay quiet for a while. I hope I can continue writing and reading and get back on wordpress, because lately it felt nice to be on here somehow. I appreciated the interactions with fellow-bloggers, and learning and reading from you/them. But it might be a bit difficult in the upcoming few weeks to acces the world wide web. I don’t know how things will turn out.  Guess I’m a bit scared for what will come, but, I am also scared about the current situation. Conflicting feelings again. Well anyway, I’m still ready, even if I’m not ready.

Hello Blackbird

blackbird

Almost everyday our eyes meet. In the mornings, when I get out of bed and walk to the kitchen, making some tea, I look out of the window. Often it sits there under some bushes in the neighbours garden: Blackbird.

I’m staring through the window. Blackbird watches me. I’m pretty sure about it. If I move, it follows me. Its eyes are watching me. It stays there, just sitting and we’re looking at each other for a couple of minutes. I wave to blackbird. It turns its head and continues staring at me. So this happened once some time ago, and happened again, and again, and again. Now it seems to become a routine. Assuming it wants food, I put some breadcrumbs or nuts or pieces of apple around that spot regularly. And hope blackbird enjoys it.

Today I was sitting at my desk, staring out of the window. My windows have a view on the upper part of some trees. There it was again: blackbird. This must have been the same blackbird I regularly meet downstairs, because it behaved and stared at me in similar ways. I tried to get a picture of blackbird, but, it doesn’t seem like Blackbird likes cameras a lot. Hope you can make the spot of blackbird. One is pretty blurry, but it has its orange beak.

Blackbird, I am going to miss you. A countdown has begon. Next week, I will be in a whole different world. These moments with blackbird, I will remember as special. Probably it sounds odd, but there is something about these moments that have a lot of value for me.

BlurryBlackbird

Bye dear blackbird. Please take good care when I’m gone here. I will miss our meetings.

Woah….what?!

There is something that really surpised me before and now it surprises me again: the chance is big that that includes you: the readers / followers of my blog.

Honestly? I did not really expect that people would actually read my blog, and I expected even less that people would actually follow this blog. But now, there seem to be over 100 (!) followers? Woah, what, really?

Somehow often I feel that I fall short in interactions with other people and sometimes I don’t know how to reply or what to say exactly and I don’t want to say the wrong things.

But I wanted to let you know that I really appreciate it that there are people out there who seem to read or follow what I write.That I am thankful for your likes and comments on my posts. It is something I value, and to me it is important that you know.

Another thing about it, the whole thing arises some questions ; who are you people? Why are you following my blog? (This sounds a bit weird now I read it, I am not sure how to express it properly, I don’t like the expression too much since it sounds a bit ‘not nice’ – but its not meant that way! I just honestly wonder what it makes that you follow this blog).

Not sure why I wonder about those things, maybe it is the same answer why I follow other blogs. Some people write really nice, and I enjoy reading them. Some people write things I can relate to, and somehow that is nice reading. From others I learn things, how they deal with things, or something that is completely different from my world. And others I enjoy seeing their pictures, artwork, poetry, et cetera. And sometimes, I can not really explain why I follow someone, but there is something that caught my attention in a kind of way.

Well, enough about that, the purpose of this post, was to thank you, so:

Thank you all!

The sunrise and the carcas

On a certain evening, I found myself on a trainride. A trainride through endless fields, along a canal, along a lake. Through the fields of nothingness. There is not much going on ; it’s just there. The part where the lake is is where the most of some life cycles are visible. A few swans found a place to live there, sometimes sheep are walking around, ducks, geese, herons. But I like the swans the most. White swans, and black swans. Some of them found a buddy to live. A few others seem to be alone. Sometimes they are swimming, a few times I saw them with a nest just sitting, and sometimes, they wander around alone, with a head down. When I see a swan with a head down, it always gives me some melancholic feelings in a way, and I wonder if the swan feels lonely or sad.

Suddenly my focus moves; everlong by the foo fighters is playing on my mp3 player. Carefully, I check my surroundings again. This time, the train is not crowded at all, just a couple of people. No one says a word, no one is on the phone. A man reads the newspaper, a woman sits with her dog and is reading a magazine, and another guy seems to be napping while leaning against his backpack. I seem to be the only one who is analyzing and scanning the area. Not sure why I do that, but often I take a look around me just to inspect my surroundings.  Carefully, like a ninja: Invisible, discrete, and empty. Like I move in real life too. I could be invisible, because no one will really notice me. I’m a nobody, an empty shell.

I’m staring outside the window, into the endless fields. The sun is going down, and the colors in the sky are turning red/pink/yellow/blue. Ten more minutes before the skyline of the city will be in my view. When I turn my head, towards the shipyard area, I look, turn my head and immediatly look back again.

I see two ships. Sunrise, and the nameless carcas. The Sunrise is being built, it seems that they just painted the ship in a fresh red paint. The name Sunrise arises in white letters. It’s not finished yet, but it won’t take much time that it will float and sails. I wonder if it will just sail on canals or out to the oceans as well. Next to the sunrise, there is this carcas. The contrast is beautiful. The perfect, and the forgotten.

I wonder what will become of this carcas: nameless, empty body of steel. And for a moment, it feels like I am that carcas.

Confessions and shame

Today, my day started not too great. I guess it has something to do with …. well, my inabilities with certain things, I guess. Okay. This is a bit hard. But I am going to write about something that I find hard, and that I feel ashamed for. But it is bothering me a bit and there is not really someone I can talk to about these kind of things. But I might remove it again, since I am really ashamed of it and it is really uncomfortable, so please forgive me if I do so.

It is the first time I am going to write about this openly (well, I don’t know if it really is but to me it feels that way). Not even my friends (or what is left from them) know this. Or at least, not how things are really like, maybe some of them (read: one) knows a bit of it very superficially.

There is something going on that is holding me back or blocking me from certain things. Like, I have never really be in a real relationship, I have never really fell in love,  I do not have a desire for sexual things,  I have trouble to involve in physical things with people and I don’t like when people touch me. Maybe a few people are allowed to touch me to a certain level, but it is not something I feel comfortable with. But its not something you can exclude from ‘general life’, because it can look impolite, maybe even rude.  I don’t even like when people want to kiss me on the cheeks for my birthday. I rather avoid my birthday , just to avoid all ‘those’ things.

I must say that I have been in a “relationship” (as far as you can call it that) involving physical things, but as I look back on it it was more ‘because everyone did that and it seemed normal to do” and since things already went different somehow I just did it too because I didn’t want to stand out too much or attract attention. So, yes, I have had sex as well. I can not say I really enjoyed it, remember from a lot of times that it was trouble to me – it just hurted and I had trouble with it. Now I didn’t have too much sex in my life – I am probably far below averages and such, and now it’s probably about 10 years since I last had sex with someone (just 1 person).  I don’t know why I have/had so much trouble with it, but I have trouble with it. I just don’t seem to have this drive. I don’t feel this attraction, not towards anyone or anything. I can easily live without it, I guess.

Today reminded me of that. Something that should be ‘normal’  turned out pretty sucky today. There was an  invitationletter on my desk for months now. A reminder followed. Another reminder followed. I thought, okay, I should get this done now someday. I can not really explain why it took so long that I made the appointment , but it almost took me a year. It was an invitation for a pap- test, the screening test for cervical cancer. It didn’t seem to be a big deal, and I heard and read ‘you don’t feel anything of it’ and it’s done very quickly. Well, okay, I can manage that I guess, I thought, and I think I went there pretty openminded, like okay, this just has to get done. So I went. But when it happened…my goodness…I don’t want to make anyone afraid, and probably many people do not have problems with it, but me? Sheesh. Just before the medical assistant asked me if I was nervous, I said it wasn’t really too bad since everyone I know who had it done is still alive, so nothing to worry right? And all I read was that it was no big deal and such. Well, when they had to get that “thing’ in, that was really, really, REALLY not nice and it took a while before it was like it should be. It hurted and was really an unpleasant feeling. It’s hard to describe exactly but I think it almost didn’t work out. It was already not something I was fancy of doing – I mean, who likes to undress and get examined with things like that … but yeah, if it goes like that…I felt ashamed of myself, that it just went so difficult and that it did hurt and I had so much trouble to undergo it.(And in general, I am not touchy at all – well at least, not on the outside..) . I hope it worked out (because sometimes those tests seem to fail and in that case you have to get it done again – what I REALLY don’t hope). So I walked out of there, feeling ashamed a bit and thought ‘what do those people think of me now’.

As if that wasn’t enough, I almost passed out when I was in the pharmacy to ask something. It was so stupid and made me even feel more ashamed. I went there to check out on some stuff I use for my eyes but they have had so much trouble to order it somehow, and they said they would call me about it but it has been a month or longer and they didn’t call. So I went to ask if they knew anything about it. While I was there, I suddenly had this breakout of a sweat, I felt like I was going to pass out and I couldnt focus properly and my ears felt so weird, like I wasn’t perceiving the noises and things as I should. I never had that so bad (was it a panic attack??). There were like 5 other people around and all I could say to the pharmacist was ‘I don’t feel so well, I might pass out”…. the pharmacist said to me like ‘take it easy, but your arms on the desk and i’ll get you a glass of water. That helped somehow, but I felt even more ashamed when that happened. I didn’t know how quickly to leave that place. Out in the fresh air, things went okay again. I sat for 10 minutes in the car thinking sh*t sh*t sh*t what was that all about, what just happened? And so much shame. Why? I don’t know. I really don’t know. It just wasn’t a good start of the day at all. It was terrible. I still feel very ashamed.

The fake life in distraction land

Gaming

Distraction. Somehow I forgot about it or it went to a place in my mind that it was labeled ‘unaware’ or ‘unaccessible’ for a while. By reading a post about distraction from loupylogic it appeared in the accessable parts of my brain again. When things are rough, and when things are bad, distraction can be so important but somehow it can be so difficult or sometimes even unaccessable.

One of my ‘distractions’ is playing video games. It doesn’t work out all the time, there are these times I can play for days and hours and sometimes I can not play for months. (Same goes for reading. Sometimes I read several books a week and can’t stop reading, sometimes I can not read for a couple of months at all.)

A couple of years ago I would have never thought I would ever get into videogames. But when someone gave me their old gameconsole, and someone gave me an old tv that is only connected to the console and can’t do anything else, I started to play. The first game I bought was Alan Wake. I read something about it and it attracted my attention somehow. I’ve been doubting to buy it or not for a couple of weeks (like often happens with just about anything, even a simple tshirt or something). But when it was on sale, I decided to buy it. At that time, it was the best purchase of the time. Together with this other game, called Fahrenheit/Indigo Prophecy. Two games with a story and ‘drama’ or however you should call it. What I liked about both games/stories is that everything seemed to fit so perfectly, the atmosphere, the feeling, a story.

Those games  occupied my mind for days, for weeks. I didn’t live in the real world; it was too hard. But luckily, there was this other world: distraction land. That became my life for some time.

Another dark world where my mind is captured in. This virtual dark world, though this one is definitely not so bad as the real one; real life. They have a few similarities, both worlds are dark and a fight to get through  / stay alive. So at a certain point, videogames became my ‘life’. I would get out of bed after a struggle, tried to shower, turn on the console, slept, ate, videogames, slept, ate, videogames. That is how life was.

For the outside world, I was probably just like some decoration that belongs in a room; an ordinary lamp, a bookcase, something that is just there and not moving unless you touch it. That was me; Sitting at a beanbag with a controller in my hand, absorbed in the storyline. That was a good thing about these games: they have a strong storyline what I really enjoyed. The music was perfect, the images perfect, the (dark) feelings they depict. And they had a story.

Both games I have completed several times. So it’s not new and absorbing me anymore unfortunately. I wish I could dissapear again into this world of videogames, be in another story, be in another life, just distracted. But I’m out of new games, and there don’t seem to be many of other games that are like these. Of course there are plenty of games, but I don’t like shooters and such. I don’t want to play a game where I have a mission to kill. Because I don’t really like that. I love to dissapear in another world with stories, solve (complicated) mysteries and just enjoy the atmosphere that it can give. Even if its dark sometimes – is it weird to say that ‘the dark’ can attract you in some kind of way? I guess it maybe does a bit to me. Maybe because it feels similar? Maybe because its something I can relate – but maybe not really the same? What makes it that it is like that? I guess I don’t really have that answer, but all I know right now, is that I miss being absorbed into that world.

Bobsleigh tears

A couple of days ago I went to the gym. The gym has a couple of tv’s hanging on the wall. I don’t really watch tv since I don’t have it myself, but when I am in the gym, I see a bit of what is broadcasted. Especially the cardio workout machines, are all pointing at the tv screens, so even if you don’t want to watch, there is always a moment that your eye will meet some images on the screen.

So I was running on the treadmill and there was bobsleigh on tv (olympics). While running/walking I was watching it a bit. I saw the people going down with the bobsleigh, saw how happy they were with their results. Suddenly something in me snapped. A small stream of water was running down my cheeks. What? Am I crying? (Crying is rare for me, I never really cry). But there was a small stream on my face. I felt it, I touched it. It was there. (Maybe it’s not something you can really call crying I guess, since it was just the stream of tears on my cheek, but I have no idea how to call that.) Anyway, it felt very uncomfortable. Carefully I checked the corners of my eyes if anyone saw what happened, but everyone seemed to busy with their own workout – luckily. How do you explain something like that? Makes no sense. The gym is one of the last places I want to start crying.Well, I don’t want to cry at all I guess.

There wasn’t even a reason. I turned my head away from the bobsleigh. 30 minutes later I was cycling. Icehockey was on. I felt the same thing starting to happen. So I turned my head away from the tv, ended my exercise and went for a long shower – not many people use the showers at the gym, so I had the space to myself. Nice warm shower this time. Warm rain. Warm tears streaming all over my body. And all I could do, being numb, feeling the stream of warm tears going over my body and watch them dissapear in the shower drain.

All that is left, is chaos.

Where are my keys? I just saw them. Where is my phone? I had it an hour ago. Where is the charger of my mp3 player? Where is my shirt? Oh no, forgot to pay this bill. How could I even forget about it, it is on my desk for 2 weeks. I should arrange my room and put everything away since im leaving soon.Should vacuum. Should get ready. Should print my ticket. Should put labels on my luggage. Want to avoid last minute stress. Plenty of time to get ready, so why can’t I just make everything ready? But I just can’t.

Texts coming in, but I can not bother to answer. Pressing the buttons is too much work. Im staring at them as they are foreign languages I can not understand. I should answer them, but somehow, I can not.

I open my mailbox. Empty. It’s a good and a bad thing I guess. The only e-mail I got last week was some advertisement stuff of a bookstore I used to buy books long ago. People I used to talk to, exchange e-mails with, slipped  far away from my world somehow. Sometimes I open a new e-mail, and try to write something to someone, but after one sentence I don’t know what to say to them anymore. And since the sentence is quite meaningless (Imagine that like “Hi, how are you doing’)  I close it again.

I am empty, and my words have become empty as well. I turned into a forgotten book without a content. People don’t want to be in touch with empty shells like me. And why should they? There is nothing interesting or nice to be in touch with persons like that right? I turned into a zombie. Someone with so many doubts and doesn’t know what to say or do anymore.

The whole day I sat in silence. Somehow I can not turn music on. It doesn’t fit somehow. I feel so overwhelmed, but from what? There is nothing. This makes no sense. Everything is too much. Can you burn out from doing nothing?

Everyday I see the same environment. I do the same things. I see the hopeless things around me and they are not changing. I know I am the one who has to make action, but I’m a battery who ran out of fuel. And that fuel I need to re-charge, seems unavailable.

The smallest thing turns me into despair and extreme frustration. I try to tell myself to remain calm, that this will pass, but none of those things seem to help. Something inside me says: watch out, watch out, you have to watch out, what you are doing right now is dangerous, you have to take care of yourself before things really get out of hand. But I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do.

Lost emotions. Lost soul. I don’t exist. A walking collection of cells. Disfunctional cells. A nobody. A nobody. A nobody…I am losing this battle. It is a war where everywhere around seem to be plenty of weapons, but I don’t have acces to any of them.

Exhaustion

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Another day lying in bed. Staring at the clock. Seconds ticking away. Minutes ticking away. Hours ticking away. Everything feels heavy, like gravity reversed. I can not get up. Through the curtain, sunshines come in, but they are not of any help in trying to get up. Things just don’t matter anymore and nothing makes sense. I’m such a loser. All I’m good for, is to fix mess, to distract, to take advantage from or something. I’m not a person. I’m just a shell, filled with emptiness. Without purpose. Without goals. Without dreams. Without a right to be happy. Without a right to exist.

Nothing or no one can help me. Why should I even try to be around other people? Why should I still try to talk to other people? I am of no use to them, only a burden. And what do I expect of others? That they can help me out of this? I don’t think they can. And it is not fair. Because they should not spend their energy on this empty shell what seems to be me. Why do I even write. Why do I even try? It makes no difference anyway. You have to do it yourself right. So why if you have to do it yourself anyway in the end, why do we feel the need of others around us when we are alone anyway?

Trying to count down the days. Two more weeks, things will be different. Is that supposed to make me happy? Two weeks can be so far away. And I don’t know if things will get better. Does it even matter? I guess not. And it doesn’t change now. It doesn’t change tomorrow.