I need to make this life , work.

Reason. Purpose. Goals. Dreams. Wishes. Priorities. Motivation. Hope.

Last night, I came across this video : Every runner has a reason

A while ago, I came across these ‘motivational speech’ video(s) ( a few: video video 2 video 3 ).  There are loads more to find, I just mention a few here, random chosen.

If you want something enough, if you try hard enough, if you work hard enough, you will make it (?)

If you never give up on your dreams, if you keep following your heart, if you work hard enough, you will make it (?)

If you push yourself, if you keep on going, if you keep motivated you will make it (?).

So many stories to find of people who were in a sh*tty situation. So many got out and bling bling boom (this; doesnt mean I think they don’t worked hard for it!) – they made it. There they stand. The examples.

What’s the purpose of all of this? There are people, who are never going to make it. There are people , who just can not. No matter how hard they try, how hard they work, things aren’t working with them. If I see these videos, I’m truly happy for these people who made it so far, who came out of these sad situations, and they found a way to move on.

But at the same time, these videos make me feel awful. Awful about myself, that I can’t make it, that I can’t work hard anymore, that I can’t find the motivation, that I , lost my energy and trust in myself and don’t know who I am, where I fit, how I can make life work.

I don’t know. I don’t see it anymore. I have maps, a compass, books. But I can’t see it. My vision has blurred, even if I can still see clearly.

waiting, for what?

Another day like other days before. The weather is nice – sunshine, not too cold, no rain. And I don’t have to do anything. Could be a perfect day, right? At least, that’s how it must be for some people. I should be happy, that I have a place to stay right now, that I can eat something, and so many things could be worse. Yeah, things could be worse. But that, doesn’t mean things are okay.

Be happy with what you have. Uhuh, who says. It’s a sentence that kills everything. Easy spoken, when you are not deeply unhappy and trapped.

Or say: oh, but in this country it’s not so bad, and it’s not so bad you don’t have a job, at least you don’t have a family. Uhuh, yeah, right, If that makes things okay.

Sometimes it’s making me angry. I am angry. I want to get out of this crap, but I’m stuck in a spider’s web where the spider has used superglue. I shouldn’t have come back here. It would have been better to be still abroad and even if I have lived on the streets, it might have been better. Yeah, I know what I say. I know living on the street is not cool.

And here I’m sitting. Waiting. Waiting for something to change. For something to happen. And I know too damn well, it doesn’t. That waiting doesn’t get me anywhere.

I should apply for jobs like crazy, I should run around and shout around how good I am and why someone should hire me and what I’m capable of and how cool I am and such.

But you know what? Reality is different. Here, the person behind these words, is broken.
YEARS now, YEARS – rejections, failures, people telling me it’s really not so bad, things will get better someday…………what do they know? WHAT do they know about this?

Things like this just need to hold on for long enough, and you completely lose yourself.

You don’t know anymore who you are, what you want, what you like, what you wish, what you dream, since there is no more. You don’t even know what you can, or are capable of, and you feel guilty. Guilty towards the world that they have to deal with a miserable failure like you me.

And it’s just a bad moment, right. Just a bad moment.

Off route

capture this fragile image;

the movement on the streets,

which consists of leaves taken by the autumn wind,

movement in the air, caused by the autumn rain.

The street on the left,

and not the dead end road,

asks for forgiveness.

While darkness settled in

and just a few

of the streetlights work – hasn’t been forgotten though.

a lonely hedgehog searches for

some leftovers

hunger – for whatever,

is everywhere.

 

Dis.appointment

Maybe it shouldn’t be disappointment. Because maybe, I should have known better. But I guess, sometimes, you have hope for things to turn out nice. But sometimes, when that happens, they don’t. And then, …yeah, what, then?

It’s maybe stupid, but sometimes things can change my mood. Today, I went to the city with my sister. She’s around for a couple of days and yesterday, we agreed on going to the city today. But I wish today, I hadn’t. Often I have ‘trouble’ with my sister. She’s okay, I guess, but we’re quite different persons and she has a very strong opinion, way of things and look on things and she is very strong with words (say: pittbul type). And sometimes, she can really make me feel awful, and a stupid loser. We went to the city today and she was not in a good mood – quite moody. Instead of saying to me I don’t want to go, she said nothing, and walked with thunder speed and was grumpy about everything. About the bad service of this and that, about the shops and people’s behaviour, about just everything. For the things we kind of talked about before, was nothing left anymore. I felt like she didn’t want to be there and she said something like: go wherever you want to go, I don’t care (yesterday, she said she would maybe need new shoes and inform for some repair of something). I kept my mouth shut, since I don’t want to fight with her, and she is very strong with words and iffff I say something it will turn into not a nice way. I learned that the best is not to react on her when she acts like this, but the other side, is that I have to be so careful with what I do and say and such.

Well anyway, I’m struggling a bit at the moment to stay positive, and this overload of those stores are no good and this behaviour and people and blablabla , were not really good for me to hear. Also the part of that she doesnt care about things or new clothes and stuff and that most people are not listening and whatever and that everyone can get a job if they want and if not you can always create work yourself…it made me feel awful. That she can live like that is fine, that some people can live like that is fine, but that doesn’t mean it works for everyone And I can not even find my words now to describe exactly, but I feel awful. I skipped the things I wanted to, all I wanted was to go back home soon. And now I’m back, and I feel annoyed and awful. I had these issues before with her, just sometimes things go okay, but I can’t help it; my own sister, makes me feel like I’m a bad person sometimes, and makes me feel awful, and like I’m worthless crap.

Turned down

So, the job I applied for last week, is not going to be my job. I was turned down for the job, with the reason that there were other applicants who fit better to the profile the company is looking for. (First thought: Yeah, as always…).

It’s not cool. And this can make me feel more bad about myself. I know it’s just one thing now, but this is how it always went before too. It makes me wonder; where the heck DO i fit? Where the heck am I good enough for? What the heck is wrong with me?

I so need something in my life I can earn some income again, even if its just a little, I don’t require a job with a super salary. All I want, is just a decent salary so I can get by. Buy some food, be able to live on my own again , even if it’s a very small place, and buy myself new clothes if I need them. Pay my health insurance. Is that too much to ask?
It seems so.

I know of course, there are lots of people unemployed at the moment. I am tired of this competition to find a job. Already. It did not change it the time I went abroad.

I guess the pressure to try again for benefits is getting bigger. And end my freedom. And end a part of dignity that was left that I had for myself.

And I don’t know if I will go try out the Jiu Jitsu training tonight. I am afraid.

I should go, I guess. But I’m afraid at this moment, afraid to go to new places I don’t know, afraid for people. What to say? And what right do I have, to spend money, even if it’s not much, on sports? I almost feel like I’m a criminal, someone who is bad and doesn’t deserve the right to live. And I know it’s not like that, though sometimes it feels that way. Meh. It’s temporary, right? (Second thought, it’s what I say to myself all the time)