Maybe this means goodbye, but I don’t know

As the clock keeps ticking and ticking and in my mind something has been ticking and ticking too. Maybe it’s the end of the year coming close and waiting for the zero hour to come and “change” – I can’t say if that is a part of it. Still, I am not sure whether to decide what exactly, but maybe it’s good to share my doubts even if no one will read it. Even if it’s just for myself and will not find any answers. I started to write on this a couple of weeks ago and kept re-editing, but somehow I feel like this last day of the year might be a good day to just post it and see how things go. Even if it’s edited and edited for over 50 times by now.

This has been on my mind for a while now. To quit this blog. To quit writing. To dissapear from here. (Honestly things went even further- to cut all connections). But I don’t think it would be fair to just dissapear without having said anything, and because I know the other side of dissapearing – the intense hurt it can bring to someone. Not that I think someone does care about me that much, but from experience I know how cruel the feelings can feel and I don’t want to risk the possibility to cause damage in that way to anyone. It wouldn’t be fair, and I am not sure if I could continue living with the idea I would hurt someone so badly or be not fair. So I guess to have said at least something about it, or how I feel about things and that I possibly quit and dissapear from blog world makes it a bit more fair, but maybe I am wrong. I just don’t know.

Lately certain things that were going on / have happened or maybe even not happened, well in any case-  they have been affecting me badly, made me think and at the same time blocked my thinking completely. And I feel like I’ve lost something inside of me. That I lost things around me. And the world that seemed to was around me, is not there anymore. Sometimes, I have been wanting to write about it, but somehow I can not write 100% honest and open about it, because it is too hurtful and I could never find the right words or the right balance in words to describe what I would like to say. I don’t want to risk the chance to mess up and I don’t want to risk the chance to be misunderstood, what easily happens because words can be twisted and used against you so easily. I just do not have the energy nor the resistance to keep standing with possible attacks of those. (Yeah, a lot of maybe and possible, but I’m afraid that is how things are – I need to try to cover myself because it doesn’t matter how I try to say or write things, there is always a point of attack possible)

Anyway, I don’t feel free to write anymore lately, I’ve been feeling not safe and maybe I want to hide some things going on (and yet share them, contradictories again), which means I can not share them on here.  Also, I don’t feel that I can write anything that adds to anything, and all that lately has been going on were the miserable, complicated feelings and questions I can not find answers on, but only end up with more doubts and often, sad feelings. Who wants to read such things? I guess no one. And, I don’t think I get anywhere with my blog, or that I would be even missed. There are so many great bloggers out there, who are much more worth reading. Who write so much better, nicer, more beautiful, have a message, a more positive thing that can help other people move forward or understand,  and my blog is just a mess of the mess in my own head – a nobodies head – full of sorrow, melancholy, despair, whatever.

Maybe I had wrong expectations. Maybe I still have wrong expectations. I guess in life you should never have expectations of anything or anyone. Maybe not even of yourself. And yet, that seems to make it impossible for me to live. I guess life is too dissapointing for me. Too hard. I can’t deal with it. I just can’t. Life, things, people. It doesn’t matter. Maybe I’m just not made for this world.

I guess I was just hoping to feel more connected to the world, to other people, to read other opinions, experiences, how people deal with things, how people feel, et cetera, but I guess somehow the opposite happened and I feel myself slipping further and further away, getting more and more disconnected and alienated and I’m left here without knowing what to say anymore – it’s all empty and too afraid to say the wrong things – to act wrong – to ask the wrong things, so I stopped doing that somehow lately. It doesn’t matter what I do, or how I try, it’s just never right – and that has taken too much energy and hope and peace out of me. Maybe it is an unlucky connection with other happenings, but the closer you are on things, the less you see in certain ways.

Maybe I need to face truth, and as I wrote before, truth isn’t always nice.

Maybe I had wrong expectations. Maybe I still have. Maybe I just can’t deal with life. And tried to create this other world, but that failed. I lost everything. Lost everything, there is no me anymore.

So, I guess this is where this blog might end – I don’t know, I really don’t know what to do or what I should do – continue blogging or not – I really can’t say -I can not make decisions anymore – this is just how i feel lately and right now, very, very , very confused and it’s impossible to decide anything and what truth is – i have no idea – doubt/despair and confusion can be so overwhelming.

For those who took the trouble to read this ; sorry for this messed up writing. Thanks, and the best wishes – truly hope things are/will be good or get better for you and you can accomplish anything that is in your heart or that you wish for.

signed,

 A deeply lost – sharktoothsweater.

(Still not knowing how to continue)

At the wrong side of the earth

It’s cold and dark, life seems gone

To another place

I have been doomed

Stuck on the wrong side of the earth

I can see and I can sense

But everything will always stay out of reach

Once passed the limit,

there is no way back.

Facing truth.

Sometimes, you avoid to see the truth of things. Because they hurt and you wish them so badly to be different. Somewhere deep down inside of you there is hope. You don’t want to give up on that hope.

But truth is: sometimes, things are over. Maybe sometimes things weren’t even there at all. Maybe they didn’t even exist. Maybe you were just used. Maybe you just were a distraction. But, hurt is or was already there, and that won’t change. Even if you avoid to see it, deep in your heart you know/knew.

Sometimes, you try to give things a chance, and a chance, and another chance, and deeply hope they will change. And keep hope. Because you don’t want to give up on hope.

But truth is: sometimes things don’t get better. Hope can be false hope, and hope is good and bad. And sometimes you’ll end up hurt anyway. And deep in your heart, you knew that, and you know that.

Sometimes, things are getting clear and you can not avoid them anymore. You can see them in a perspective, maybe there is more prove, and everything you felt before – what caused contradictories- became validated. And everything you knew deep inside your heart, or felt, even if you didn’t want to see those things, or know them, became/become reality.

Sometimes things get clear. You were nothing more, than a temporary thing to ease or replace some other pain. You were nothing more, than a temporary solution to be thrown away some time later. Those things are hard to face. Facing truth isn’t always too nice, unfortunately. I used to say / think that truth was very important in my life and I could (or thought I could) relate to a quote from Walden,life in the woods, one of the works of Henry David Thoreau:

“Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.”

But sometimes, I wish there was no truth. Truth can hurt very badly. Very very badly.

Bazaar Bizarre

One single step

an entrance into this other world

I left this other one behind

faceless, nameless and invisible

Sounds, scents and impressions welcome

but I became deaf

lost my ability to smell

appear to be suddenly colorblind.

As if things never have been different

flavors blend and cultures melt

and change or deviation have no existence

like in an empty dictionary

though there are many stories to be told

I am a stranger.

but for a moment,

Just a short moment

It feels as a home.

The divided soul

Did you ever feel like – you’ve been tore in two

The truth and lies in front of who

The whole new half and the whole new you

Damage stays damage – one will never become two

The contradictions of life

Still searching for impossible truth

How could I even think that

things would ever sooth

Guess it’s funny how, but anyway everything is different now

Not only still waters run deep,

even shallow waters have deeper grounds.

Wasted

Once used turns into the useless

powerless power into the void

trashed acids into wondering

corrosive fields above enjoyed

arising in poisonous

where existence is being destroyed

where danger can occur

transfers to a safe place

and collected substances merge

Figments of imagination

Just woke up,  some time too late – Where breakfast calls but can’t be ate

because time is too close to time of lunch- oh well, let’s have it both and make it brunch.

Two hours. Only two hours between breakfast and lunch. Two continents. Two cultures. A random conversation about sleeping, waking up and breakfast and lunch. Computers exchanging data. Exchanging morse code, into words. Time is ticking. Two hours. Tick Tick Tick. Sometimes random things create their own lives and weird figments of imagination wake up out of the depths of the brain.

Probably it makes no sense at all, but it’s what happens to my brain sometimes and my imagination creates the weirdest things. A simple conversation, an object, reading about something, very random things can cause those figments. Normally I don’t share much of it. It’s something that can make me feel half ashamed and crazy in some ways. Well anyway, this is a figment of today; The land where breakfast and lunch are two hours apart.

Fading away

A lonely wall (Can walls be lonely?)

standing in the palace of sorrow

dreaming away of a tomorrow

sounds of waves crashing into the quay

colors have fade and time erases

slowly more and more traces

of things that could have been

(perfect)

The hole in the wall

While rain is pouring down

creating a song on the roof

and fortune tellers making lies

majority of people on the move

collections of false hope

unable to bear

all I want

is escape.

 

Sleep Stealing Monsters

Sometimes there are these battles you have to take care of, because of certain monsters  try to mess up with your sleep. They can appear in / take many forms. Sometimes they steal your sleep, disturb your sleep, hold you from sleeping at all…sometimes they turn into monsters who keep you sleeping all the time. Monsters who hold you back from being in the real world, or hold you back from wanting to be part in the real world. It’s such a battle. Sleeping, not sleeping. Everything around sleep seems a battle. Insomnia. Oversleeping. Sleeeeep. My relationship with sleep (or not sleeping) is a complicated one, and it keeps changing from not sleeping to oversleeping and everything in between. Sometimes I think that sleep is one of the most beautiful things on earth/in life, but it has a very sad side too I guess;  I use it to pass time, to cope with life, and there are times I feel so sad I just crawl away in bed and try to sleep as much as I can, and sometimes that ends up with sleeping around 15 hours a day (if not more.)

And somehow, when you need or want to sleep the most, there are always things that make that impossible for you and hold you back from getting the amount of sleep you wish/need. Also, it is hard  or the most crazy things happen that you will wake up often.

Normally nobody ever needs you but of course on days like these, people want something from you and you hear your name with a lot of decibels coming from down the stairs….Or when you are finally asleep, there is someone or something that makes so much noise you wake up again and fail to fall asleep again….

Somehow for the previous days (maybe even weeks) my I can’t get no sleep turned into a I want to sleep more and more and more. And I could easily end up spending whole days in bed.I feel like I would want to, but in no way I get a chance to do so. Suddenly, everybody around me seems to need me at times I want to sleep. Want things from me at times I want to sleep. And when I want to sleep, they even wake me up, because THEY think I should not sleep. That pisses me off and makes me feel very disturbed. But also, when I try to get some sleep, I never feel relaxed enough to fall in a deep sleep. It’s like something in me is always on guard:

Even the pillow can turn into some dangerous creature and turns into a pillowmonster who is able to eat you in your sleep.

And even more pillowmonsters…..you can run and you can try to hide, but they will always find you in your dreams.

And if the pillowmonsters aren’t chasing you, the coral-from-the-sea monster with one shoe is chasing you: waaaaaaaaaaahhhh.

And if the coral-from-the-seamonster isn’t there, the peanutmonster will go after you.

And and and……….

the world of sleeping is over again.