As the clock keeps ticking and ticking and in my mind something has been ticking and ticking too. Maybe it’s the end of the year coming close and waiting for the zero hour to come and “change” – I can’t say if that is a part of it. Still, I am not sure whether to decide what exactly, but maybe it’s good to share my doubts even if no one will read it. Even if it’s just for myself and will not find any answers. I started to write on this a couple of weeks ago and kept re-editing, but somehow I feel like this last day of the year might be a good day to just post it and see how things go. Even if it’s edited and edited for over 50 times by now.
This has been on my mind for a while now. To quit this blog. To quit writing. To dissapear from here. (Honestly things went even further- to cut all connections). But I don’t think it would be fair to just dissapear without having said anything, and because I know the other side of dissapearing – the intense hurt it can bring to someone. Not that I think someone does care about me that much, but from experience I know how cruel the feelings can feel and I don’t want to risk the possibility to cause damage in that way to anyone. It wouldn’t be fair, and I am not sure if I could continue living with the idea I would hurt someone so badly or be not fair. So I guess to have said at least something about it, or how I feel about things and that I possibly quit and dissapear from blog world makes it a bit more fair, but maybe I am wrong. I just don’t know.
Lately certain things that were going on / have happened or maybe even not happened, well in any case- they have been affecting me badly, made me think and at the same time blocked my thinking completely. And I feel like I’ve lost something inside of me. That I lost things around me. And the world that seemed to was around me, is not there anymore. Sometimes, I have been wanting to write about it, but somehow I can not write 100% honest and open about it, because it is too hurtful and I could never find the right words or the right balance in words to describe what I would like to say. I don’t want to risk the chance to mess up and I don’t want to risk the chance to be misunderstood, what easily happens because words can be twisted and used against you so easily. I just do not have the energy nor the resistance to keep standing with possible attacks of those. (Yeah, a lot of maybe and possible, but I’m afraid that is how things are – I need to try to cover myself because it doesn’t matter how I try to say or write things, there is always a point of attack possible)
Anyway, I don’t feel free to write anymore lately, I’ve been feeling not safe and maybe I want to hide some things going on (and yet share them, contradictories again), which means I can not share them on here. Also, I don’t feel that I can write anything that adds to anything, and all that lately has been going on were the miserable, complicated feelings and questions I can not find answers on, but only end up with more doubts and often, sad feelings. Who wants to read such things? I guess no one. And, I don’t think I get anywhere with my blog, or that I would be even missed. There are so many great bloggers out there, who are much more worth reading. Who write so much better, nicer, more beautiful, have a message, a more positive thing that can help other people move forward or understand, and my blog is just a mess of the mess in my own head – a nobodies head – full of sorrow, melancholy, despair, whatever.
Maybe I had wrong expectations. Maybe I still have wrong expectations. I guess in life you should never have expectations of anything or anyone. Maybe not even of yourself. And yet, that seems to make it impossible for me to live. I guess life is too dissapointing for me. Too hard. I can’t deal with it. I just can’t. Life, things, people. It doesn’t matter. Maybe I’m just not made for this world.
I guess I was just hoping to feel more connected to the world, to other people, to read other opinions, experiences, how people deal with things, how people feel, et cetera, but I guess somehow the opposite happened and I feel myself slipping further and further away, getting more and more disconnected and alienated and I’m left here without knowing what to say anymore – it’s all empty and too afraid to say the wrong things – to act wrong – to ask the wrong things, so I stopped doing that somehow lately. It doesn’t matter what I do, or how I try, it’s just never right – and that has taken too much energy and hope and peace out of me. Maybe it is an unlucky connection with other happenings, but the closer you are on things, the less you see in certain ways.
Maybe I need to face truth, and as I wrote before, truth isn’t always nice.
Maybe I had wrong expectations. Maybe I still have. Maybe I just can’t deal with life. And tried to create this other world, but that failed. I lost everything. Lost everything, there is no me anymore.
So, I guess this is where this blog might end – I don’t know, I really don’t know what to do or what I should do – continue blogging or not – I really can’t say -I can not make decisions anymore – this is just how i feel lately and right now, very, very , very confused and it’s impossible to decide anything and what truth is – i have no idea – doubt/despair and confusion can be so overwhelming.
For those who took the trouble to read this ; sorry for this messed up writing. Thanks, and the best wishes – truly hope things are/will be good or get better for you and you can accomplish anything that is in your heart or that you wish for.
A deeply lost – sharktoothsweater.
(Still not knowing how to continue)