Behind the pine trees

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It’s an early morning, and I wake up around 6am. You’re still asleep. I watch you for a while, but since I know I move a lot, I get out of bed, because I don’t want to wake you up.

I walk through this little house, that we have for a week. I don’t know why it was so difficult to book, because it was the best thing to do.It’s probably the spending of money. The sun shines and I open the window. A nice scent of pine trees comes inside. I take a deep breathe, and breathe in again. How lovely – the sound of the wind, the scent of the pine trees, the sun, and we are together. What could I wish for more?

Behind these pine trees, is our little place. It’s not really ours, but for now it is. I dream, that we can have a place like this in real. How nice would that be. You and me, our own little house, the trees, the sun, the sky. The animals surrounding and visiting now and then. We have breakfast together and talk. We hug.

My thoughts go back to my dark years. Years I spend mostly alone, because the only thing that I thought people would bring was hurt. There was no one to trust but yourself. No one to rely on but yourself. No one to help you, but yourself. Life was about working hard to earn little money to be able to rent a room and finish this study, who seemed to give you a bright future (that never came).

Now, my dark years seem to be mostly a part of the past (I hope). I realize that not this money or this bright future (that is not there) nor this job isn’t what I was looking for. It’s not what I need.

The lonely person, the distant person, me. Yeah, I need people around me. People who make me feel good. Who I love. Who care. Who I can talk with. With who I can sit on the couch for hours and not saying a world, and still feel good.

I found one. And that one is you, person-I-love-very-much.  And I’m sad, because we’re away from each other. I’m sad, because our worlds are so far. I’m sad, because I don’t seem to have the guts to break lose from the prison I seem to be in now.

For what? For this job? That makes me exhausted but gives me opportunities to save. But it’s just temporary. Do I love this job so much it’s more important then you? That it’s more important to be with you? SHould I leave my job and go now? Should I wait? Should I work for a bit longer and then leave? How can you know what to do?

How do people make these choices in life? They seem so impossible. So impossible.

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Sometimes, the world seemed full of emptiness. A world filled with nothing, of nothing. There was the known, the unknown, and the strange.

It was a feeling I had a long time ago. Or maybe it has been a feeling, a long time ago. I guess but I’m not sure, because I can’t remember properly. Sometimes it makes me doubt, if I ever felt it, really felt it. If I ever, really understood it. If I ever, really knew it.

I know feelings from books, from movies, from ways people describe them. I try to translate them in to my own life, my own perspectives, but all that ever happens, is that I imagine I know how it should be. I wonder, if I ever really know or feel. I guess truth is just a word that exists in the dictionary, but in real, it’s just the empty word.

It’s all I wish for.

All I want , …………… all I wish – sometimes it’s just too difficult. That it is far away, and it arises so many questions. What am I doing? Why am I here…

Why am I , so far away from you? And why are you, so far away from me?

Things fade, and I don’t want them to fade. I feel them fading away and I don’t want them to. I look at your picture, your warm smile, and my heart smiles. I look at the pictures of us together, of our trips, and all I can feel, is that they all were so nice, and that I miss it now.

It’s conflicting; they make me intense sad, and they make me feel warm inside.

Time takes things to the backgrounds, and I don’t want them to. I want to feel your presence, I want to feel you lying next to me. Hear you breathe, I want to hear your sounds. I want to smell your scent. I want to touch your skin. There is so much, that I want, and I don’t want these things to fade.

I want to wake up, and see you lying next to me, want to make breakfast, for you, while you’re lying in bed and I’m in the kitchen. I would like to lie in bed with you, just listening to the heavy rain outside, and rest my head against your shoulder. I want to watch the stars with you, and stare and stare at the big starry sky.

I just want to be with you. Without all these why’s.(And why it is so far from me, and why is there this distance and why is life this way and why and why and why.)