Sometimes, I mess up. Well … actually, I do that quite often. Like in every week. Like in every day. Guess I’m an expert in letting things go. Avoidance. Being stuck in this web of apathy. Missing in action. Anyway, whatever, not really something to be proud of.
Before I quit my “job” (If you can even call it that way because all I would get lately where 7 hour shifts a week because I was ‘too old/too expensive” – and really, my pay wasn’t that great), I had this vague plan of going on travels. Before all of this it took me lots of weeks (probably read months here instead) to make the decision to quit my job. But I couldn’t do it anymore. The long travels to the job (four hours each way) and the lack of being/feeling valued , the lack of being able to get shifts and so a proper income, and especially the fact that my income was the same height as the travel costs I had to pay to get there and back, were eventually reasons to make the decision reality. So I quit, a few months ago.
Probably a lot of people would call me stupid, because quitting your job here means you will kind of lose your rights. No benefits, no help, nothing. Own fault, so live with the consequenses. But anyway, stupid or not, I’m still alive while still no money is coming in at all. Which makes me feel super uncomfortable sometimes, and definately not easier to spend some, even for the smallest things. (Though spending money for others I have less problems with than spending for myself). Okay, I made some savings in the past so I am lucky I have those, but it’s still weird and I’m not really used to it yet.
In my head there was this vague plan. Travel. Going away, see and experience the world, meet new people, do new things, but maybe the most important reason: find out who I am and what I want. Somehow I feel like there is no reason to stay in this country I’m currently living in. I do not see any future here. My efforts for graduating and getting a degree seemed to turn out all useless somehow. Yay here I am, with my degree and a debt and no job.
Since I can not find another job here (I tried first but gave up on that later, applying is just so hard with the immense high competition so I avoid that too). Living on my own is like impossible here. Can not even rent a room. I just do not see a future here. And I do not really see another future elsewhere to be honest, but, sometimes I refuse to think about that. I just do not want to think about that right now.
Sometimes I wonder where I belong. Not that it really matters, but somehow it keeps occupying my mind. I grew up between different countries, and yet it feels like I do not belong to any of them. I’m a stranger to all of them. I do not feel at home at any of them. I feel partly connected to all and yet not at all at the same time. But maybe that’s weird. I don’t know.
And again I mess up… with this story. Instead of writing a clear, organized piece I end up with all things mixed up in a form that could be a trilogy. My apologies for that.
Back to the story. So, I wanted to travel. But yet I haven’t traveled anywhere. Locked up in my room all the time. Reading about places, and thinking, and living inside my brain. Rationally everything seems to be clear. Just go, since there is no reason to be or not to be anywhere or stay anywhere. It’s better to move. Move. Move. That, is a kind of freedom I guess I should be happy with – I am free somehow, I can go everywhere if I want. But on the other side, that, is exactly the problem. If you have no reason to be or go anywhere, how do you ever decide where to go?
So that’s where I am right now. Sitting in a home that is not mine, in a place where there is no future for me, in a place where I feel unhappy. Being dissapointed in myself. In my head I come alive sometimes. And I think and think and think. But never act.
Yay living in your head.Yay me.