Cooking adventures

Some time ago I decided to try to stick to regular and as healthy as possible eating, which means that I try to prepare nice/healthy meals everyday. Well at least a lunch and a dinner, breakfast is still a bit hard to realize sometimes, since I have trouble to get out of bed in the mornings.

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Get out of beeeeeeeeeeed. Mwurghglglgl. Almost lunchtime, you stupid, you’re not only a couch potato but a bed potato as well. Eeeeh.

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Standing in the kitchen. Healthy food. Regular eating. Yay! And Yay because its: lunchtime!

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Standing more and more and more in the kitchen. Staring at the oven. Hm. Eat? Yeah. Uhm. Uhm. Minutes pass by. More minutes passing by. Discussion with myself how to feel today. But after 30 minutes…

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Yeah! I’m just going to do this! Yay yay I am going to make an awesome lunch and everything will be okay. Yay I can do this. Woohoo.

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Hmm. Bread. Eggs. Scallions. Yeah. Good idea. I’ll use those. Level of hope rises a bit.

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A little smile appears when walking with a pan. Yay. I’m just going to make lunch!

c6 So this will be my lunch. Bread. Eggs. Scallion. And I found a pepper. Feeling satisfied for a moment.

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*Tadaa* Superegg….still smiling a bit.

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But after a couple of seconds….uhoh…I don’t know what happened, but this wasn’t part of the plan….

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Trying to catch it while screaming aaaaahhhh…

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*Plotsj* Flooops.

It was too late.

There was the egg lying on the floor.

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And that’s where the lunch adventure ended. My little smile dissapeared, and ‘meh’ came back.

Cable jungle

On this day, for a change, I got up “early”. For once, I decided to step out of bed immediatly as soon as I woke up, even if I still felt foggy.

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Stepped out of bed and dressed myself. No shower today. Maybe later, if couch potato gets herself to the gym.

There I stood. Staring into my room, aka messy mountain resort.

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The floor….fields of mess.

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My desk…aka messy mountain.

Somehow it’s not always easy to keep things in order when feeling low and depressed. And always somewhere far away in the brain, you know you should keep things in order but somehow I never really manage to keep up. Sometimes I clean and arrange, but it only stays organized for a day or two. Then it turns out into messy mountain resort again, so quickly.

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There I stood, staring for 10 minutes at the mess. Suddenly, a feeling came over me. So I got the vacuum cleaner and told myself I could do this. There I stood:

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So I started attacking the mountains and afterwards racing around with the vacuum cleaner.

But in my “enthusiasm” (or actually read: carelessness)  I forgot about Cable Jungle. Cable Jungle is the part of my room where all the cables of my computer, internetcable and all electricity required equipment cables come together. It’s not so professional but it functions and makes sure everything is connected to the electricity network.

Not too hard to guess what happened next…

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While I was vacuuming, I saw it happening in my mind. But, at that point, it was already too late and within seconds the ‘uhoh’ started…

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Noooooo noooo nooo….but it was too late. Cable Jungle got destroyed. All cables even messed up more.

So a new adventure, fixing the messed up cable jungle appeared. So with 125 attemps of new possible formations of cable jungles, I tried to create a new one:

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Like this maybe? No…This way? eh. no. Maybe this? No. (And so this continued for a long time.

125 attempts later…i gave up. And I restored Cable Jungle like it was in the first place.

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Well……at least everything was working again.

Highway adventures

On a sunny autumn day, I decided to go shopping. (Well, it was kind of necessary since I ran out of vegetables and fruits -I try to keep eating healthy – that seems to help with depression so they say).

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But…when couch potatoes don’t do grocery shopping there is not much in the fridge, huh?

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And not much in other places either…

So, I HAD to go out. No choice….I just HAD to. Couch potatoes need to eat too. Also, it’s part of my ‘basic’ plan (if you can call that a plan) to deal with depression –  sleep , exercise and eat regularly. Note to myself : R E G U L A R L Y !

Since I live close to the border to another country, and they have nicer and cheaper stuff there , I often buy my groceries there. A car was at home, so I took the car and drove towards the highway.

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So I was driving on the highway. Music on. Decided I could safely sing now, since no one else was nearby, and the highway is not crowded at all – most of the times it’s kind of empty and lonely, driving through the fields of nothing.Well anyway, that means safe to sing. While I was singing (imagine this like sounds crows make, though I bet crows make nicer sounds), I noticed in the corner of my left eye this duck flying next to me.

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At first I continued driving and listening to the music. But then… my brain woke up somehow …

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*PING* Huh?What? I’m driving at least 38 mph /61 km/h (construction works so speed limit) and the duck is flying next to me? A duck? Can ducks fly that fast? Huh?

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Yeah, it was really true. There was a duck. And that duck flew next to me.

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Huh. Huh. What? Am I hallucinating? *pinch* ouch. No. It’s true.

I must have kind of stared at the duck.

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At this time, duck looked back. If it could speak, I’m sure it said to me: Hey you Speedy Gonzales, get  that speed UUUP, even snails are faster! Muhahahaha.

This lasted for a couple of seconds, then duck took a turn to the left. And thats where our ways seperated.

The gym

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Yay exercise. As you can see, I can’t wait to go there.

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Yay. In the dressing room. Sitting and sitting and sitting. Luckily no one comes in, so sitting for 15 more minutes without looking too weird. Yay gym. Goooo me. I cant waiiit.

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Running can cure depression! Go you go go go! yeah. Eeeehh. Why do I even do this to myself? Arrrgggghhh. This is terrible. #grumblegrumblegrumble.

Who even invented this? Argghhh. Look at yourself you wimp, and look to the people running next to you. They are at least as twice as old as you are and they run four times faster and longer. Mehhhh. Frustrationnnn. #more grumblegrumblegrumble.

Let’s do something else.

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Yay weights. Maybe this is better than running. At least no one will notice me because I can hide a bit more than being on the treadmill. Meanwhile on a small distance away:

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Wiejjj wiejj wiejj go go go! Yeehaa! fun yeah oh yeah! This is fuuuuuhuuunnn.

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Ehhh

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Mehhh…

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Music plays. # Never give up! # Go Go Go! # Yeehaa fuuuun!

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And that’s where I ended my exercise. Staring into the mirror looking at myself like I never saw a creature like that before.

Couch potato part II

CP1

Tick tick tick tick. eeeeeeeh. Tick tick tick tick. I should get out of beeeeeeeeed. Tick tick tick tick.

Cp2

Tick tick tick tick. Eeeehhh. I should really step out of bed. Tick tick tick tick.

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Poink. Body on the floor, feet still on the bed. Eeeeh. Have to get up. Have to get out. Tick tick tick tick. Get uuuuup. Ughghgh.

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Sitting in the shower. Splotsj splotsj splotsj. Like raindrops keep falling on my head. Bwuuhhhh. Okay, enough now. Hmmmm.

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Now. Ehhhh. Hmmmm. So..there I’m sitting again… I guess I’m ready for today ….

ps. since I could not find my pencil sharpener, couch potato is in another color. But get used to that, since I probably won’t stick to a similar style -yay chaotic me.

Moments of hope

Fall apart

Into tiny pieces

the hole inside me

attacks, without mercy

as a human being

with empty veins

and empty eyes

a blank stare

and the windows

covered with clouds on the inside

rain washing them dry

a heart filled with emptiness

this place,  left behind

maybe even forgotten more

and sometimes,

just sometimes

which is actually often

I just do not want to wake up.

Even hope can hurt

Even hope can.

messing up

Sometimes, I mess up. Well … actually, I do that quite often. Like in every week. Like in every day. Guess I’m an expert in letting things go. Avoidance. Being stuck in this web of apathy. Missing in action.  Anyway, whatever, not really something to be proud of.

Before I quit my “job” (If you can even call it that way because all I would get lately where 7 hour shifts a week because I was ‘too old/too expensive” – and really, my pay wasn’t that great), I had this vague plan of going on travels. Before all of this it took me lots of weeks (probably read months here instead) to make the decision to quit my job. But I couldn’t do it anymore. The long travels to the job (four hours each way) and the lack of being/feeling valued , the lack of being able to get shifts and so a proper income, and especially the fact that my income was the same height as the travel costs I had to pay to get there and back,  were eventually reasons to make the decision reality. So I quit, a few months ago.

Probably a lot of people would call me stupid, because quitting your job here means you will kind of lose your rights. No benefits, no help, nothing. Own fault, so live with the consequenses. But anyway, stupid or not, I’m still alive while still no money is coming in at all. Which makes me feel super uncomfortable sometimes, and definately not easier to spend some, even for the smallest things. (Though spending money for others I have less problems with than spending for myself). Okay, I made some savings in the past so I am lucky I have those, but it’s still weird and I’m not really used to it yet.

In my head there was this vague plan. Travel. Going away, see and experience the world, meet new people, do new things, but maybe the most important reason: find out who I am and what I want. Somehow I feel like there is no reason to stay in this country I’m currently living in. I do not see any future here. My efforts for graduating and getting a degree seemed to turn out all useless somehow. Yay here I am, with my degree and a debt and no job.

Since I can not find another job here (I tried first but gave up on that later, applying is just so hard with the immense high competition so I avoid that too). Living on my own is like impossible here. Can not even rent a room. I just do not see a future here. And I do not really see another future elsewhere to be honest, but, sometimes I refuse to think about that. I just do not want to think about that right now.

Sometimes I wonder where I belong. Not that it really matters, but somehow it keeps occupying my mind. I grew up between different countries, and yet it feels like I do not belong to any of them. I’m a stranger to all of them. I do not feel at home at any of them. I feel partly connected to all and yet not at all at the same time. But maybe that’s weird. I don’t know.

And again I mess up… with this story. Instead of writing a clear,  organized piece I end up with all things mixed up in a form that could be a trilogy. My apologies for that.

Back to the story. So, I wanted to travel. But yet I haven’t traveled anywhere. Locked up in my room all the time. Reading about places, and thinking, and living inside my brain. Rationally everything seems to be clear. Just go, since there is no reason to be or not to be anywhere or stay anywhere. It’s better to move. Move. Move. That, is a kind of freedom I guess I should be happy with – I am free somehow, I can go everywhere if I want. But on the other side, that, is exactly the problem. If you have no reason to be or go anywhere, how do you ever decide where to go?

So that’s where I am right now. Sitting in a home that is not mine, in a place where there is no future for me, in a place where I feel unhappy. Being dissapointed in myself. In my head I come alive sometimes. And I think and think and think. But never act.

Yay living in your head.Yay me.

Ugh.

Couch potato

Sometimes, when the sun came up hours ago, I look like this:

(sitting in bed and thinking: Blughghgh I do not want to get out, what reason do I have to get out, blablablablablah)

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Finally, after hours, I look like this:

(walking through the house like a zombie and trying to feel alive with a hotdrink but still blahhhhh)

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And the day continues like this:

(sitting behind my desk staring at the computer thinking “what am I going to do with my day, what am I going to do with my life, what do I want to do with my life” and so this continues day and day)

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But sometimes, when I dream away in my head, life is full of adventures;

(And I am supercouchpotato ruling the world!)

Superpotato

A day with a piece of melancholy

Unfortunately, this is a re-write. Somehow I did something wrong and I lost the original writing. This is in no way as good as the first one was and it  really did upset me that I lost everything I wrote because it was way more better written.  But I’m afraid there is no way of getting the original writing back. I guess all I can do is share this re-write.

It’s kind of weird to think of certain things- today, four years ago, how my life almost ended. And how things changed somehow. Or how they actually did not change at all.

After all those years this is the first time I have these kind of flashback moments and my thoughts go back to it so deeply and real. Trying to recapture memories and feelings. Four years is a long time, or short, depending on how you look on things I guess. A lot of seconds, minutes , days have passed by since then. Certain pieces seem to be on my mind as if they only happened yesterday.

Though I have learned things of it all. How things can get in a different perspective. How the body seems to change its operating system in certain circumstances. How the mind can changes the way it works usually. How things change and yet not change at all. Anyway physical pain and pain of the soul, are completely different types of pain.I do not think you even should compare those. How quickly a body can be ruïned. How small things, sometimes not even an inch long, can be so deadly and destroying. How weak you can get and your mind goes in another world and the real one is just some vague movie playing on a television far away.

As far as the physical pain, before all of this happened, I couldn’t imagine things could hurt so badly. It was the most intense and cruel physical pain I have ever felt. A very violent pain, stabs without warning, making you want to shrink untill being invisible and being afraid to breathe. When I think of it now I still get goosebumps. Those violent stabs, tattooed in my brain forever. Tattooed in my heart forever. Somehow I can still remember how it felt. Although I have a high pain tolerance, I could not not scream of the pain. Some moments are harder to recapture- like when I slowly tried to walk again, and not even walked a mile, my body was so broken I had to pay a price and recover two full days of that action. Nowadays, it is hard to imagine it was like that. And so there is more.

Somehow the more I think of it, the more I can match it in metaphorical ways to certain aspects of my life back in the day but maybe even my current life as well (if you can even call that a life). How small things race like crazy through the mind and they are all connected but not connected yet. Like shooting with a gun with gunpowder without bullets – all messed up lost pieces that go in every direction. Surviving. Dying. Losing life. Slipping away. Breathing. Oxygen. Essential resporation organs. Inflammations. Bacteria. Damage. Protection of the heart fails. Missed by doctors // Surviving. Life. Death. No right to exist. Loneliness. Emptiness. Abandonment. You can not go on with this life. You can not go on living like this. Lost all directions. No space. You can not be you. Invisible.You can not go on with life like this [ and…… w h a t e v e r ]

Reflecting back on everything. I’m still left with questions. Questions without answers. Left with damage. Less trust. Less hope. And so on. Maybe the mental impact everything had was more than I want or can admit. I am not sure about that. Not that my life was so great before all of that. But it striked just on a certain point I was fighting a way to break down a depression and heading for a new life. And then it struck me. Hard. Not only that. Of course other things happen at the same time. What I learned there was that no matter what , you are always alone. You can never expect some one to be there for you when you are on the lowest points in your life. You just can not. That seems to be tattooed in my brain. 

Anyway, the weirdest thing of all maybe is that after all what happened, I might have expected somehow I would appreciate life a bit more.Somehow that would be more logical after all what happened. Move forward. Enjoy life more. Yolo, right?

But none of that ever happened.