Couch potato and Kung Fu.

So. It was like a year and a half ago when I started exercising. Together with a friend, I started with walks. Then we went to the gym a couple of times a week. Then we added Kung-Fu to our life.

That went like this: My friend discovered Kung Fu nearby. I always loved martial arts and practised Jiu Jitsu for a while. But when I got pretty depressed and I was running towards a burn out at work, I just stopped going. It felt like I didn’t belong there, there was not really a click with the others. Easy and enough reasons to drop out.

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I wasn’t that convinced, but I knew it would be good and exercise is so important to stay healthy , also mentally, I figured I better try.

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My friend went for a class and somehow I didn’t go that first time, but she convinced me in the end. I wasn’t feeling to sure about it, but why exactly I do not know. Maybe it’s because I always feel like I’m a bit of a failure and I’m ashamed of myself. Not sure.

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On a friday evening I went. My friend, super-enthusiastic and moving with rocket-speed on the bike, me trying to keep up with this monsterous pace.

And so we ended up going twice a week to kung fu.

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So that’s were we started to learn a lot of stuf. Like tornado-kicks.

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Tornado-kicks are impressive-looking. The others moved and kicked so smoothly.

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Of course we had to do this too. My friend tried some kicks and her leg really came above her head. But that’s not how it went for me:

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I am way, way less flexible. I’m definitely not a talent. But hey, I tried to do my best.

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And that’s what counts, right?

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Even during warming up, I was always the one who could not keep up or do certain exercises. Even after months, it was still like this.

With kicks, with punches, with moves, it just took me a while and I always felt like I was way less good. But I knew it was good for me, so I kept going. Kept trying.

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About having to call in sick…

<has been a long time since I was able to draw the cartoon version of my life; couch potato again…>

So, first things first: Ever since I got a big sickness/health issues (decade ago) I’m compared to what I was before, often sick. I’m probably above the average of being sick for ‘normal working people’ whatever that might be. Ever since that happened, I am less strong and healthy I guess. This brings often enormous feelings of guilt, because I used to be strong and healthy and never sick. I feel guilty every time I have to call in sick. I’m always fighting this battle between pushing myself and taking care of myself.

Usually I go back too early to work, or push it too far. Because I feel too guilty.

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5am. I wake up and feel competely wrecked and not well. Trying to get more sleep. I need maximum rest, since I have to work tomorrow!

2 hours later, but it feels like 10 seconds…

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Getting up. The big doubt: I don’t feel good. But am I sick enough to call in sick? Maybe it gets better in a little bit….

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Am I really sick enough? Maybe I have to force myself.

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Aaarrrggghhh.

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Starting to walk around like crazy. Tick tick tick time is flyyyyiiiinnnggg. Make up your miiiiiiind!

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Though still getting slowly ready. But blah, these feelings of sickness. I have to push myselffff. Hold myself togetherrrr. Come on you wussy. So this continues for about 15 minutes:

At this point is where I need love. Here is where I ask love for help. I can’t make up my own mind with these things appearantly. Love usually says this to me:

 

And I usually listen to love (lately 🙂 ). But that’s not what solves my issues….

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The Phonecall…………so, how am I going to explain . Is it bad enough? Is it a valid reason to call? Oh my oh my oh my. Shouldn’t I push myself more? tick tick tick, time is flying…

After a lot of swearing to myself in my head, I make the call (and no, this is not easy!)

Phonecall done…..but still not allright……because……

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What if they dont accept it? What if they say I’m sick too often (yeah, that happened before….they sounded really angry at me and I felt so bad! Like if I’m doing this on purpose…)./ But the next 2 days are like this:

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And then…

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After a day or three (this time):

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I finally manage to eat a bit and sit out of bed. Not feeling great, have to push myself to eat, but it’s a progress…

So I shower. And more pills. More vitamins. A bit of food. And so on.

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And this is the point where I think of starting work again. I’m not sick to be in bed the whole day, just the half day. Feeling so guilty…if i’m able to be up for a bit or read a little bit, I also should be able to work, right? The reason behind it is this:

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It comes partly from my own head. Partly of the system, that appearantly doesn’t allow you to be sick or be sick ‘too much’ – as if you choose that and have anything to say about it. But it is the reason why I always go back to work too early, when I’m not supergreat and healthy again. I usually check my mail before, which I know I should not do because……

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it makes me feel SOOOOO much more GUILTY….

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And then I see all the mails and all the work and it gives me soooooooo much more pressure and i feel sooo much more guilty that I didn’t work.

 

And this, this didn’t happen once. It doesn’t happen once. It happens every single time again, when I have to call in sick..

E V E R Y ………S I N G L E ……T I M E….

That, was that.

I went to the office today and had a talk with my manager and the job agency aka my official employer. I felt superstressed and nauseaus before going there, really had a knot in my stomach. The talk was okay – there is a plan now, which means I’m going back to work from monday and I start with two hours a day.

I also said that I don’t want my contract to be renewed. I think my manager was a bit surprised.  But now everyone knows my contract will end somewhere end of July. So whatever happens, I will not stay in my current job.

So far that, and that was that.

This is the beginning of an end. I don’t know where it will go – it felt difficult, but in my heart I know this is the right decision.

The vertigo-shut down

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So. Here I am, again. Not that anyone really missed me. I’m talking into a big, wide world where the words I use, dissapear into nothingness. They flow to the end of the street, into the darkness. They dissapear around the corner, and I stay behind staring at the lights, and empty street and the corner where the words just went.

-Okay, that’s not completely true – but that is how things feel.-

Since the beginning of August I’ve been dealing with some health issues -starting with vertigo. I was so lucky to get struck by things thing called vestibular neuronitis, also goes by neuritis or labyrinthis. I’ve been really ‘out’ of things thanks to this thing that made functioning a bit ‘normal’ impossible.

I had a panic attack which made me feel ashamed of myself. My body charges to ’tilt’ sometimes when I feel things im my body that are ‘not good’, thanks to my pulmonary embolism-experience in the past. I know it, and still it is so hard to fight.

On top of that I also had some kind of allergy crisis that is still going on. I have some nosespray for it and it goes better slowly, but my health is something that worries me a bit lately. The doctor things stress plays a big part. Which could be true, though I’m trying to keep that down.

I had to shorten my holidays because of it, and even though I didn’t really have money for holidays I went to France to meet again with love. I was lucky to be a few days in the mountains again. I feel different in the mountains. I am more happy there.

Now, I’m back in the city. In my job that could be slowly killing me. I’ve been saying so long that I need to find another job. And yet I keep failing. I started working on my resume, but so far there is nothing else to mention. I am just slow, I guess.

I have very less shifts at work, because of cuts I get very less hours. Which just pays all the bills, but nothing more. It worries me a bit, and I try not to worry.

I’m in doubts wheter to start Jiu Jitsu again, because I haven’t gone there for almost 6 months now and I don’t know where my motivation is, but it seems gone. It’s just empty, neutral, ‘i dont know and i dont care’.

So yeah, here I’m sitting. I don’t know and I don’t care.

But I try you know, I really try.

I just fail sometimes. Or mostly sometimes.But I try.

The face without the picture

 

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The winter tends to blow apart –
where autumn reminds the flowers to drop their leaves
it’s not the time, yet.

in the hallway, there is a bookcase,
dark brown, from wood,
old books, a vase, and a picture frame
where it should –

stand alone
or stand together
It’s a frameless frame for what it matters
And what you see is what you get

The life without the heart
A rain that doesn’t wet.

Sometimes there is no fix

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All you see is a drowned leaf in the water; it’s shallow, and clear, but there’s no way you could – or could have-  rescued.

There is no fix, for certain things.

Right now, I’m not having the best time of my life. I always have these periods, and I will always have them. I don’t believe they will ever dissapear. Because the not sleeping aka insomnia continued, and I really felt like I would break down, I went to the doctor. I have a new one, since I moved, and he’s a bit weird in some ways I guess, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with him. He prescribed me some sleeping pills – which is actually what I came for. Last night was the first night I slept again, not enough, but at least I slept.

I remember a part of the conversation. Of course he asked why I couldn’t sleep.

Stress. Stuff. Life. Work. All the usual things, I guess. And, life is just difficult for me. I find life difficult, and it might probably always stay that way.

What he could do for me? I said that I knew he can’t fix my problems. That I know no one can fix my problems, and that some things can’t be fixed. All I wanted was sleep, and so I needed medication now, and he is the key to that.

Because usually I can manage to fix – or control – things in my life.

But sometimes I can’t. And this was now.

I’m not feeling better, I’m feeling low. Just low, not even depressed. But all that I know is that some things, can not be fixed. Not now, not in the past, not in the future.

 

The pain in souls you can not see

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You know, I could tell you a story,
But the problem with stories is that there are too many of them.
A word is just a word, a story just a story
and a feeling is never more and never less than a feeling.

So it will always be, or never be.

You can follow every footstep of me,
but you can never follow my road;
You can observe me and follow my senses
but you can never see the way I see,
or feel the way I feel

Nor can I follow your steps,
not even if I see them on the road,
I can observe and see what you see
And yet be blind, at the same spot;

I can walk your path, but not make the same steps,

I can never feel you
You can never feel me
I guess that is the way
how it’s supposed to be.

Feeling guilty

I had to call in sick again, because I don’t feel well. I guess I went back to work too quickly, going immediatly back when I started to feel better, but not well yet.

I’m not sick sick, like in superbad sick, but I’m not well enough either to work. After a few hours I get a nasty headache and I don’t feel good, with the result of nothing coming out of me anymore. Somehow I need to sleep or rest after a few hours.

I can’t really help it, but  I feel guilty when I call in sick. I know it doesn’t make sense, because everyone (or most) are sick from time to time. But still, this feeling I can’t get rid of. It also doesnt help that these employer services call you with questions like ‘when do you expect to get to work again’ and immediatly bombing you with the procedures.

Seriously, sometimes people are just sick, they dont know when it’s going to be better and what is exactly is, but can you just be sick without being bombed by these procedures? What is that good for? It makes me feel more pushed, almost stressed and not allowed to be sick. Why the heck have we invented this, and why ?

If I think about it, and look around me, all that seems to matter is money and efficiency. That just makes my head spin. Where is life, the wellbeing, the person, the helping each other and have a nice life and basic things you need that everyone should have?

Instead, the world doesn’t work like that. And I don’t get it. Why? Why did it become this way? I can’t stand the idea of people working in poor circumstances, never being able to just live a bit comfortable and send their kids to school just because some multinational wants to make the most profit by buying their stuff cheap and a lot of people only seem to care about the price of something, expressed in the money they pay for it.

The pressure that some work places put on their people. The people who earn tons and have three houses. What the heck? The time employees get to sew a skirt, or to handle a phonecall, or to bake a bread. Seriously? Timed from second to second. Limited time for personal care (hey, if you have to pee, you have to pee right?). Gosh. The more I think about it, the more sick I get. What the heck is this world?

And the worst thing is that I’m being part of it too. I have cheap things too, or clothes or other products that are made by people in bad circumstances. I try to take care of this and buy fair trade or ecological stuff and such, but is that really what it says? And not everything I have is like that. So I’m guilty as hell too.

On top of that, I feel the pressure of social media, smartphones and stuff, being available all the time, and people expect you to reply in a minute. Seriously, where does this go? I manage so far without a smartphone and without too much social media, but still, I feel this kind of pressure. And the pressure of paying bills, that I don’t know why, but when I had a lower salary seemed to be really less. Now I earn more than the minimum wage, bills seem to find my way, taxes for this, taxes for that, I don’t know where they all come from, but all these insurances and taxes and all other kind of things you’re obligued to pay……..

 

breathe. Just breathe. That is all I should do now.