Absorbing and moving somewhere –

It’s a sunday afternoon. It’s supposed to be summer, but the weather changes a lot between really warm and fresh. And so it goes all the time. It’s really a big mystery how to dress properly for this, because it never really works out.

I notice how tired I am when I’m on my way walking the grocery store. The grocery store is not far; maybe a 5 minutes walk. I absorb my environment while walking there, trying to capture the energy, the way things are designed, maintained, used. Maybe that goes with my ‘profession’, I’m an urbanist, or however you should call the work I do. How public spaces are designed, used, treated, how people use it, how everything works, connects, behaves interests me stil, but lately I feel like ‘I’m losing the grip to the world of my ‘profession’. Not in the last place because I can’t seem to keep up with all the developments going on in the world. Things change so rapidly, almost always based on short term things. I remember when I was a little, that adults used to say the world is changing so fast and time was flying so fast. To me, back in the days as a kid, days could be endless and time would sometimes almost standing still.

Now, in my mid-thirties, I must admit that I finally understand what they ment. Does this mean I’m getting old? I don’t know, but all I know is that the world changes too fast for me, and the majority of developments aren’t something I feel comfortable with. I don’t think they are right, but who am I to say? I’m just one of the so many many many human beings with ideas on this planet.  And what is actually wrong or right? Perspectives changes everything.

That, makes things (over) complicated. It doesn’t matter how it its, there’s always another perspective. How can you ever decide or choose when there’s so much. In the usual world it’s simple, it’s mostly based on money, efficiency, stuff like that. But I, somehow, don’t work that way. It’s getting more blurry in my head. More doubts. More unanswered questions. And I’m getting tired of it. Tired of trying to adapt to be a part of this system, it really wears me out and I feel that in my body, for real. I’m tired in my head too, to be honest. I don’t know if I know how to be a good human being. There’s always someone with opinions, how you should do or what you do wrong.

All I want, is just to be. To be able to live in peace. Not with negative news, messages and agressive communication around me all the time. I stopped following the news years ago. You simply can’t trust what it says, and the main things are bad, negative, sad things. I don’t want to hear them anymore. I KNOW they exist, but if I hear them all the time it really does affect my mood.

Soon, I will leave this city, this house, this neighbourhood, and my profession. I leave a lot behind. That’s really okay; I had my time here, and it starts to cost me oxygen instead of giving it to me. I’m ready for something new. Though that’s a big thing too – have to learn another language, get settled again, find a job, et cetera. That’s still  okay. I know I can’t get what I dream of, because it’s too far away. No matter how I work or save, it’s out of reach for me on a short term.

I’m afraid. I’m scared. And lately I cry sometimes, because of that. I never cry.

Almost no one knows. But that’s okay. I’m someone anonymous just blurting out the chaos that’s in my head on the world wide web, never knowing if anyone reads it or who reads it. Maybe I write this into a big black hole – just like in space. Things dissapear in it, and no one knows where it goes.

Life is just……funny sometimes. No, I don’t understand anything of it. But you know, I try. Try to make something out of it.

 

 

The Radio Silence –

It has been, a long, long time. I can not really properly explain why I stopped writing. Why I stopped drawing. Why I stopped …. it just happened. Like life just happens.

Paths that are no roads. Directions without a way. A radio without a signal. Whatever it was, it was not there.

It has almost been two years – almost. Life has been going up and down like usual – I guess for some people it always goes like this. And yet so much changed, and at the same time nothing really changed. I’ve been floating in some kind of bubble. Work. Hanging in. Other work. I don’t really know.

Right now I’m at a point in life that I’m not really familiar with, and which I find difficult. Recently I stopped antidepressants – really, it was hell to stop. I didn’t expect it to be so bad –  a lot of nervous things, more nervous things and more NERVOUS things….movements, moods that flying everywhere and nowhere, but this nervousness inside of me, like some small things bouncing inside my body. Getting pissed off for no reason. Plus this thing that I really, really don’t like: C R Y I N G.

It’s not like crying crying. Most of the times it’s without any sound, just out of nowhere a stream of water running down the cheeks. Sometimes just like that, without any particular feelings. But sometimes with feelings, being sad for no reason, or being sad about life – I can’t help it, but life has so many things that hurt so bad that even if they don’t happen right now – they still hurt.

I don’t really know what to do with it. Often I hear people say that crying relieves. But how? I don’t feel any relievement – it seems pointless because of that. I’m in some kind of rollercoaster of being okay – being empty – or being sad and emotional and touched by so much things, touched that it can make me cry. I am not a crying person. So not. And yet I am.

The contradictory of everything all the time. I wish I would be able to handle that well, but I’m still searching for the manual that guides me through that. Got to figure my own puzzle out. Blah. Bleh. It is what it is, right?

Soon I am facing big changes again in my life. I know I need to change, because I can’t go on with life like I did and do now. And at the same time, I am very afraid. I go to another country, where I don’t speak the language too well, where I will have to find a job and such. Luckily, girlfriend is there with me. She’s from there, so she knows a bit how it works. But it’s still a bit scary though. Can I make it on my own? Can I make it to build something ip in a new country again? Am I able to fight the everlasting depressions and such? So much questions, so less answers.

Well, anyway, I’m feeling like I say a lot and saying nothing at the same time – for now I will just leave this as it is, and see if I can connect my radio cables again – for a long time the line was out, for now it’s plugged in a little, but for what comes, I honestly do not know –

 

About being a raindrop

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Sometimes all that is, is that you are just there. You just exist, like one raindrop in a rainshower. You can’t do otherwise but to keep falling with the rest. You can’t do otherwise but to go down. The other raindrops surrounding you don’t give you any space to move. All you can do is wait untill you hit the bottom and splash apart.

Being absorbed by the soil, or being moved on concrete through a fast lane before you dissapear in the depths down there.

That’s how I feel. That’s my mood I guess. And no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you fight, sometimes all you can do is let it happen.

 

 

Tears for a dead cat

My little old friend died today. The cat living at my parents. He was sick a bit more lately, his health went up and down. Now he was a 17,5 year old cat, so not the youngest anymore, but he was really one of a kind. One with an instruction book. He always needed to be around with people. With all his own specific manners, demands, wishes, behaviour. Often when I would be home, he would hang with his full body on one of my arms, sitting there as a king being carried around. I never understood how that could be comfortable, but appearantly it was for him.

Since last weekend he didn’t eat anymore and he lost quite some weight.  I went to the vet twice. The first time we thought it was a throat infection he had before and that would explain the not eating too, but after 2 days it got worse. So I went back with the cat. He had to stay at the vet for tests and infusion therapy. I was supposed to call this afternoon, but this morning the vet already called me. I knew enough.

He was more sick than we thought, liver, kidneys, and in the end heart failure. He passed away in his sleep and that is good, but I still feel bad about letting him there. Though it was the only chance of survival, or not being in pain.

This afternoon I went to pick him up, because we will bury him in the garden, next to the other animals. I cried in the car. I cried at the vet. I cried on the way back. I am not really a person who cries a lot usually, but lately I don’t know what is happening to me, but I cry. Also in front of other persons. I cried at my previous job. I cried when I put my love at the train for a long trip. And now I cry for the cat.

There’s nothing wrong with that. Poor thing. It’s so quiet in the house now. No more meows, no more sitting on laps, no more screaming in the mornings, no more demands of food, attention, no more. Like always, I find death so weird. Really weird.

 

The Circus of Loneliness

The last week or so, I’m really feeling this weight pulling me down. I feel the depressed side of me,  and I try to work it out but this side and the other,  don’t seem to agree.

Since a week or so, I have a bit of trouble to sleep, I don’t want to eat anymore and I avoid cooking. I try to eat with others all the time, but end up eating frozen-meals (of course heated in the end) or pizza or something quick if that doesn’t work out. I go to the grocery store but messed up, like I’m not my usual self, sometimes I feel like I’m not real, I’m not the aware person I usually am. I feel like zombie.

I feel the emptiness in my life lurking around the corner. I reach the point where there is nothing to do, where nothing seems to matter. I know this is where a drop can start.

I’m trying to keep a bit busy, and find things to do. I clean the house, try to get rid of unneccesary stuff that is just in the way, move, go outside, see people sometimes, and I booked a flight to Corsica for October.

I always wanted to go to Corsica, so far I’ve never been. It will happen soon. I look forward to it I think, and yet it’s this bleak thing that will happen appearantly. I don’t really feel it. Or I do, but my feelings seem to be washen away a bit, like a jeans that is bleached. I don’t know. It’s a bit weird, not really nice.

Corsica is also home of the GR20, a hiking trails.  A part of that hiking trail, is called the Cirque de la Solitude, which means like the circus of loneliness. This name really attracts me, but this part of the trail is closed due to an accident a couple of years ago where more people died in bad weather circumstances.So I will not see it, nor go there, but I am really wondering about this place.

Last week I went to see a ‘new’ psychologist. The nurse I see sometimes got me a referral, because she will stop working at my doctors place and thinks I need more help. Probably I have to change again, because something changed in health insurance and in fact health insurance decides where you can go or not. But so far I could stay at this new psychologist, who I will see again in two weeks. I really don’t knwo what to think about it. I keep falling down. Crashing,crawling up, and it continues like this.

Anyway, I don’t know what to think about everything. I don’t believe I will ever get rid of all of this. I am too well to be sick, and too sick to be well.

I’m stuck, in my own cirque de la solitude.

Don’t HAVE to vs. stress is back.

The last few days were not very nice. I felt as I had a stone on my chest. This all were the 3 days after the job interview and message that they would give me a chance.

Over the weekend I spoke with several people. I’m glad I did, because it makes me feel more calm. This big stone on my chest lifted a bit.

Someone asked me the question what is it about this job that I like.Silence. I am not sure if I have a very good reason: I applied for this job in the first place because I don’t trust the benefit system and social care here. I thought I would not get money, so I would have to find a back up myself. The job goes a bit with my studies, though not completely, and I thought I could do it and I had a decent chance.

But there is more about being able to do something, making a chance. That can not be all ‘the’ reason. For a long time I walked on my toes at work. I never felt valued, and there was this enormous pressure and every single minute of my day was planned, with no possibility to change it yourself. It also clashes a bit with my personality, because I’m someone who thinks, who cares about quality. My previous job was not the place, and it looks like this new job isn’t the place for it neither.

But. But but but:

Finally I have a bit peace of mind. I have time to recover. I get some money, enough to get by. I can survive with that. Why would I push myself immediatly in a situation again with stress? I don’t have to feel guilty, because I work for a while (almost 15 years) and I never had benefits before. Still I feel a little guilt. Less than before, but it’s still there.

I did a lot of jobs and work I didn’t like so much. Some where hard work for very less money,. I never had a relaxed job I think. For once I can find a nice place too, right?

So I just have to remind myself, I don’t HAVE to do this. I got recovery time, and I will go to see a psychologist because I don’t get out of this anymore and I feel lost. I couldn’t do that before because of the waiting lists. But it will not take so long anymore now. I just hope he or she can help me.

And boom. Interruption.

Phonecall. Of the social benefit stuff. And boom again there is is stone on my chest. This guy started about work and starting to work and reintegration. WHAT THE HECK LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A BIT! is what I feel my whole body screaming. I don’t want to do the same kind of work again. This guy send something like if you can than you kind of have to, WHAT even if it MAKES YOU SICK? What is it in this world?

Really? They expect you to get better and while you’re still not charged or better they bomb you with phonecalles and questions and things to look in to like HELLO CAN I HAVE PEACE FOR A BIT AND BE LEFT ALONE AND NOT ALL THIS PRESSURE ON ME?

This is what I really, really dislike about this world.

Once your down, everyone seems to step on to you and decide whats best for you and you get the impression that you’re doing something illegal and superbad. And push you and not really listen.

It looks like this system doesn’t care if your job makes you sick.

Finally I felt a bit better. And now I’m full of anxiety and not nice feelings again.

I feel stressed. The stone on my chest. Breathe. All this tension in my body.

Is this supposed to be life? Is this what people find accepteble and fun and okay?

Like really, I understand why people don’t want to be part of society, to be left alone, become addicts, or even get that far to make a decision to end life. I get it. I can understand it.

Seriously, I wish life was a bit more friendly and easier.

 

 

 

Want-to-hide

I am scared, I guess. All I want to do is shut my phone off, crawl away in bed and not face anything.

I did not write for long. A lot happened. Too much to write out – I can’t seem to write anymore.

Anyway, I’m on sick leave. My contract ended. Somehow my sickleave was approved so I get money (kind of benefit, not much, but I get by). But I didn’t trust it. I searched and applied for jobs. I went for interview. Now I seem to get hired.

But I doubt so much. Is this job not too much too handle for me? Not too much pressure? Can my head handle this? I am already feeling stressed. They were not sure about hiring me, but they see potential so they decided to give me a chance. They doubted about my perfectionism, about the it takes time to get around peoplething, and I had to think about my clothes.

I am scared. What if I can not handle it? WHat if my head is not better? Appearantly , even if the last few weeks went well, I have so much trouble to hold on to normal life. I try, I’m too good to be sick but too not well to be good and go along with the flow. So I am scared. I think.

And:Yikes. Here is the moment I expected to happen. Clothes.

I usually just wear a jeans and a shirt, longsleeve or sweater. But very neutral. Thats how I feel the most comfy, and thats how I am I suppose.

Now I will have to change that.

I am so scared, that I tend to reject this job. But IF i let it go I dont know if I ever get in the job market again, and I avoided it instead of trying.

I just want to cry, to crawl under a blanket and not face anything. I just want to lie in my love’s arms , but she’s not there. She’s away for two months, doing some supercool adventure on her own. I am superproud of her. Really. This is what she wanted and I am glad she went, but I do miss her. She really keeps me a bit more sane, connected, stabilized to the world. Your world should not be one person, but she definitely makes my world so much more stable, nicer, easier to deal with everything in life.

(I feel like crying now that I can not deal with life and I feel like this, and at the same time I can curse myself for being such a wussy).

I can not be happy with the fact that I will have a job again in a while -i just feel my heart pounding and I feel a lack of air. I don’t have a lack of air, that’s just how it feels.

This is appearantly me.

Is this anxiety? Is this depression? Is this lack of self confidence? How do you deal with these kind of things. What can I try to make this a bit easier, or better? I am trying, but I don’t succeed so well.

I can always stop, if it doesn’t work. But that doesn’t make me feel relieved.

Argh. Argh. Argh.

 

 

Struggles turning into battles?

Right now, I find myself in a place where I don’t want to be.

I feel nauseaus in my stomach, my body feels stressed, my breath is not in my stomach but high almost in my throat. I feel shaky and bad.

What happened? Yeah, what happened.
This week I had to go to 4 hours of work a day. It seems that it is too much. It costs me a lot of energy and even if it’s just one hour a day, it really seems to be too much.
Anyway.
Yesterday it went wrong, I had a lot of anxiety and stress reactions even before work started. I didn’t really do anything at work. I notice this in my breahting, trembling of my hand, and kind of panic or anxiety attacks. I know they make no sense, but they happen.

Today was a little bit better, but I did not do any work, and I left one hour earlier, I went back to 3 hours and that will be the case next week, unless it goes really well and I can make it to 4. Agreed on this in a talk with manager and someone who was my coach in the past yesterday.

I called the job agency to tell them this. Like inform. But the phonecall was not so nice. It made me feel so much worse. I just told them that I couldnt make it up to the schedule and 4 hours a day and that it seemed to much, so we went one hour down again. But then – I don’t recall it exactly, but the main points were –
-I had to realize that people do actually care about me and try to help me, and that they do what they can. I said I knew that, and yes I know that.
-I am unhappy, I said that agreed on that. It’s just true, I am not happy right now.
– I have to ask myself if I want to stay there for the last 2 months I’m supposed to. Because maybe it would be enough for my employer and they would want to end it. Yeah of course they want to get rid of someone who is disfunctioning and sick. But why say this? Is it a way of telling me they want to get rid of me now? They rather see me go than stay?
-they dont want me to drop out for 100%. We’re working to get myself better and ready for another job, not becoming worse. Yeah well……all of this is a bit mixed up now probably, but then

And then telling me not to worry and relax in the weekend. And we’ll see again next week.

But now, I feel so much worse.

  • Does this mean they want to get rid of me now, and that my recovery doesnt go fast enough?
  • Does this mean they think I am not doing my best?
  • Does this mean they want to get rid of me?
  • Does this mean they hope I will quit myself now
  • Does this mean ………like what?

I really don’t see it. I just know that my stress reactions in my body go up right now, and I feel really not nice.

Do I see things wrong?

I am doing my best not to feel worse, but I feel tensed, and my body is full of stress and not nice feelings in my stomach. I don’t want to eat, but I’m hungry. (all week, almost). I feel instable, like I can collapse sometimes. These I think are signs of stress and anxiety.

What am I supposed to do?

I just hope this was a bad week or a bad few days and it turns better next week, but really, I don’t know how to think, what to think or how to behave. I just wish I knew where to find something or someone that can help me. But I don’t , really.

I see the nurse again in 2 weeks. She told me if it doesn’t go it doesn’t go. Easy as that. And then I just call in sick. But that does not really fix things right. I have to improve at a certain point. I just don;’t know anymore right now.

All I know is that I don’t feel particularly good after this last phonecall.

S-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g

The interview from last post did not lead to a different job. That was really okay actually, because I was not sure if this would be a better job for me.

I’m really struggling at work. And with life.

Work is really so not nice. It takes so much energy to pass just 3 hours a day at the moment. This was the first week of 3 hours a day. And I’m not even really doing something. How am I going to make it to the end of July? I tried to get holidays in July because I still have hours, but the question is if there is space to give me off. Blah.

I am not sure if I want another job.

I am not sure where I want to go, or what I want to do.

I don’t know what is wise to decide; stay called in sick or call in better for a while and get unemployment pay, but lots of other things I have to do. Or quit everything myself and just go and not have any money.

Sometimes I feel a bit angry and I hate money and all this pressure and these rules.

It doesn’t matter how hard you work, at least not in my case, because where did it lead me? Nowhere. I can’t even be safe moneywise or house-wise.What’s the point? Really.

All I can think of now, is that I would like to be somewhere with a tent on a piece of grass, with a view on water and trees, blue skies and some sun, and not worry about anything. That is what I want. And I want it to last. Not just for 4 days.

Doomed to live

Some time ago, one of my friends recommended this series on Netflix to me – Gomorra: La serie – an Italian crime drama series. Thanks to watching this series, I ‘discovered’ this music by this band Mokadelic.  Especially one of their songs is one that kind of resonated with me : Doomed to live.

Doomed to live. That’s exactly how I feel sometimes.

I don’t seem good enough to make a decent life. I’m not bad enough to have a very miserable life. I’m not even good or bad enough to be in between. I’m not good enough to make it in this world and keep things spinning, and not bad enough to be really sick or disfunctioning or whatever you call it.

I’m not even in the middle. Somewhere that falls everywhere in between.
I didn’t choose this. I didn’t choose life. Nor did I choose death.

I am just stuck, and doomed to live. Because I’m here. Because I’m there.

That’s what it is. Doomed to live.