I did not finish them yet,
these particular kind of memories
in a land of sorrow, but free
with a past and an unclear future
but that’s where I wish I could be.
I walk, because I need to get better, because I need to get fit. Because I need to take care of myself.But I walk and instead of feeling better, I feel sadness, and apathy. I feel scared, anxiety, and nasty thoughts.
What if I’m sick and I’m going to die? What if I never get rid of this freaking dysthymia? What if I can’t live a normal life and can’t hold on to my job? So many what if’s, but I know it doesn’t matter and I don’t have answers and I shouldn’t ask myself these questions. I don’t even know why I ask these questions. But they are in my head.
The sun shines, but my feelings are numb.It’s beautiful, the sun, the nature, the emptiness of the landscape. That I try to take care of myself. But I don’t feel it. All I want is to crawl away and feel sad, because I am. I want to be with my love, to feel safe and welcome.
But my love is far, and I’m stuck in this crazy sadness and hell of a pressure at work. I’m stuck in this life of nothingness. No, I’m not stuck forever, but I’m stuck now, and I feel this intense sadness, that makes me doubt about everything and makes me scared of so much things.
I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to feel this way.
And yet, it’s all that happens.
My clothes don’t fit so nice anymore. Some clothes really don’t look good anymore. I know. I look at myself in the mirror. I have grown fat. I’m probably on one of my most ‘fattest’ periods I’ve been in my life. I know. While a while ago – well that while is actually something like a year- things seemed better. It was just temporary, I guess. I look again into the mirror.
I don’t even sigh anymore. I know. My shape is not so good.But I’m too tired to hate myself for it. I kind of don’t care, and at the same time I do. I don’t like myself this way.
I’m not taking so good care of myself. Work is taking a lot from me, and the rest of life what is around that too. It doesn’t help that I sit a lot at my job either.
But I’m the one who can make the change; and I don’t. I notice my body is stuck, but I don’t do anything about it. I was planning to extend my exercise and add more , but the opposite happened.
Probably I’m at health risks, or creating them, as far as I don’t have them yet. I don’t know, when do I wake up?
The body is one of the most important things. I want to look nice, feel well, be healthy. Why can’t I just act that way?
I know. I know this is not good, and this is not the way I want to be.
I can’t blame depression or life, because I know, and I should be able to change it.
But why, why am I just sitting here on my ass, realizing that I know, and not doing anything?