Unfinished memories

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I did not finish them yet,
these particular kind of memories
road trippin’
in a land of sorrow, but free
with a past and an unclear future
but that’s where I wish I could be.

 

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There is the fence, and there is me.

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Can you see it? It’s very clear.
Left there’s the fence, and on the right there’s me.
The fence is shorter than me. But still, this fence is too high.

It’s a non existing fence, , because it only exists in the shadow.
But still I’m not able to cross it.

sadness wins, sometimes

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I walk, because I need to get better, because I need to get fit. Because I need to take care of myself.But I walk and instead of feeling better, I feel sadness, and apathy. I feel scared, anxiety, and nasty thoughts.
What if I’m sick and I’m going to die? What if I never get rid of this freaking dysthymia? What if I can’t live a normal life and can’t hold on to my job? So many what if’s, but I know it doesn’t matter and I don’t have answers and I shouldn’t ask myself these questions. I don’t even know why I ask these questions. But they are in my head.

The sun shines, but my feelings are numb.It’s beautiful, the sun, the nature, the emptiness of the landscape. That I try to take care of myself. But I don’t feel it. All I want is to crawl away and feel sad, because I am. I want to be with my love, to feel safe and welcome.

But my love is far, and I’m stuck in this crazy sadness and hell of a pressure at work. I’m stuck in this life of nothingness. No, I’m not stuck forever, but I’m stuck now, and I feel this intense sadness, that makes me doubt about everything and makes me scared of so much things.

I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to feel this way.

And yet, it’s all that happens.

How it goes more and more the way I don’t want it to be.

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My clothes don’t fit so nice anymore. Some clothes really don’t look good anymore. I know. I look at myself in the mirror. I have grown fat. I’m probably on one of my most ‘fattest’ periods I’ve been in my life. I know. While a while ago – well that while is actually something like a year- things seemed better. It was just temporary, I guess. I look again into the mirror.

I don’t even sigh anymore. I know. My shape is not so good.But I’m too tired to hate myself for it. I kind of don’t care, and at the same time I do. I don’t like myself this way.

I’m not taking so good care of myself. Work is taking a lot from me, and the rest of life what is around that too. It doesn’t help that I sit a lot at my job either.

But I’m the one who can make the change; and I don’t. I notice my body is stuck, but I don’t do anything about it. I was planning to extend my exercise and add more , but the opposite happened.

Probably I’m at health risks, or creating them, as far as I don’t have them yet. I don’t know, when do I wake up?

The body is one of the most important things. I want to look nice, feel well, be healthy. Why can’t I just act that way?

I know. I know this is not good, and this is not the way I want to be.

I can’t blame depression or life, because I know, and I should be able to change it.

But why, why am I just sitting here on my ass, realizing that I know, and not doing anything?