The trainaccident.

Like usual after work, I take the train home. Yesterday I was happy to be off a bit earlier since I didn’t feel so great, and I took the train home. Yet this trainride, which usually takes 20 minutes, took 2,5 hours almost.

I was in a train that hit a person. The person did not survive. I don’t know if it was suicide or an accident, but I know the railwaycrossing is a ‘closed’ one; with those bars. And they were down.

Suddenly the train started to brake – but against these things I guess you can’t stop in time. There was a hit, and a lot of other sounds. It was obvious we hit something; and
I saw things flying from under the train. Things like a black small wheel, a brown big thing which looked like some kind of pillow, lots of stones (from the railwaytrack), other iron bars and some more little parts (which were maybe parts of a human body- I’m not sure it went all so fast).

The train stopped. Moments of silence. The traindriver giving the message, with a trembled voice: we just hit a person. We’re going to see if we can give first aid.

But first aid with a hit like that, I guess the chance of survival isn’t much. All I could think of is that whoever was under the train, had no chance of survival. And that I later learned, was the truth.

After standing on the railway in the middle of nowhere for a long time, with a lot of firemen, police and other people who ‘clean it up’, we were escorted out of the train to a bus that came to pick us up. We had to walk along the track into the direction of the actual hit. I didn’t want to look- I didn’t want to see anything more than I already saw. I guess I was afraid to see things, I mean, it was still a real person, and his or her life just ended in one or two seconds, and I was a witness of that. I heard, I felt, and I know. That’s such a strange thing to know. Boom, a life away in a flash. Just gone, poof, just like that.

I feel sorry. Sorry for that person. Sorry for the relatives, friends, beloved ones. Sorry for the traindriver, who saw way more then I did. Sorry for the people who saw it.

It’s maybe cruel to say, but I did wonder before how it’s like when things like this happen. I never really wanted to found out, these are not the things you would like to witness.But now I know anyway. The way it goes, the sounds, the feelings. The sensations. I had cold chills on my back while walking to the bus.

I stayed home from work today, I called in sick. I just said I couldn’t work, that I was sick.

It’s true that I was sick yesterday evening and during the night, now I’m not really sick sick and I slept, the whole thing didn’t keep me from sleeping. I don’t seem to feel particularly bad or something. But I was just not capable of going to work this morning.

Now I feel guilty I stayed at home. I’m able to work – but, also knowing that I would have a difficult day and I might have come back sick today if I would have gone.
Now I took care of myself right before getting real sick; but it makes me feel guilty. And I know how that doesn’t make sense. I feel weak, like I’m a person with a weak immune system, with lower energy levels, who calls in sick too quickly. In this world, it doesn’t seem to be about wellbeing. Yet I don’t really get why I know I should not feel guilty, I still do.

I seem to always have to be able to operate. And a moment like the train accident just makes me think: is it really worth it? Is it so bad to have to stop for a moment?

Sometimes the world stops for someone, and yet it just continues like nothing happens around. I don’t get where my head goes, and maybe the story doesn’t make sense.

 

I don’t know.

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I’m not sure what is relevant and what is not. Or where to begin.
But I guess I feel hurt because I don’t know. And it’s frustrating me that I don’t know. But if this were easy, I would already have fixed it. But -again- I don’t know – where to begin, or how.

My love is here now. We live togehter. I am happy she is here. I am happy we are together.
But this month, we will not really be together: she is a few hours away till tuesday, on a course that’s part of her job. After she comes back, I will leave for 1,5 week to my survival course in Sweden. After that, we’ll be finally together. Together.

This weekend I’m off. She asked me to come. And what do I do? I still sit here, not moving.
Because work is cutting our hours, I don’t have much work or income. I have to be careful with money, but I still get by – there are just a lot of expenses somehow. She’s in a place I don’t really like because it’s superbusy and crowded (capitalcity). But I love her. And I enjoy being with her, just sitting next to each other is perfect for me.

And after our call yesterday I feel bad. It was not just about this. But it makes me think.

It has a point. I love her. Why am I not pushed to spend every hour, every minute I can to be with her? Why can’t I decide what I want, why is there this I don’t know? The I don’t know what to do?

Is it because I need my rest and preperation for next week? Is it because I don’t like the place too much? Is it because I feel a bit lost and depressed?

But I really don’t know. All I know is that I feel guilty. Guilty about this, towards her.

Really, sometimes I wish I was different.

 

I called in sick, and it makes me feel bad.

For a couple of days now, I’m not really well. I spend the whole weekend mostly in bed, sleeping a lot. One night, I vomitted, six or seven times, it kept me up all night. Seriously, vomitting is gross and it can make you feel so miserable. Yuck. Anyway, so far a day without vomitting, so that’s the good thing.  When I woke up this morning, I doubted to go to work or not. My tongue was all white and yellow, and it burned a bit. (Eew, sorry for the details). I never saw that before.

So first, of course, with dr. Google, but all I could find was that related to 1- coffee or alcohol (what I rarely drink) 2- Bad mouth care (I brush my teeth at least twice a day and I use mouth water) and 3 -smoking (I don’t smoke) and 4- dehydration (which is not the case). My tongue looks like a map of another planet, with deep craters. First reaction was try to brush it off, but that didn’t work.

Anyway, in the end, I decided to call in sick. I really do not want to call in sick, because it makes me feel bad about myself. But I felt myself standing shaky on my legs, and if I don’t take care of my health it could get worse. So, I called. 1- phonecall to work, to say I will not come in today.  A nice person picked up, scheduled me sick, so that went fine. 2- phonecall to the job agency to say I’m sick. I dreaded this, I never called in sick before so I didn’t know how it works exactly, and the papers that I read about the procedures make me almost faint. But, phonecall went fine. 3- After 30 minutes of doubts, I made a phonecall to the doctor, about my tongue. I said I didn’t know if it was something serious or not, explained the thing, got an appointment this morning.

So I went to the doctor. I explained, the doctor looked at my tongue. It’s probably because of my illness, it shows a low health or something, the tongue seems to be sensitive. So far no need for medication, just if its not better or gone in two days, I will have to call to get some antibacterial stuff to rinse it with.

You know, I never know when to call the doctor, and now I almost felt bad that I called for something ‘not serious’. For some people this seems to be so obvious and clear, but it is so unclear to me. And everytime I call and go and there’s nothing special, I almost feel guilty when I go to the doctor with something ‘not serious’. And now I got back, and I feel guilty that I called in sick at work. I feel like a wussy. That I should push harder. But I also have to take care of myself, right? Take care that I do not get sick. Meh. Why is this making my soul so mixed up.

Signs or coincidence?

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So. Somehow, the last few days, have been weird in a way that all these ‘messages’ or however you should call them, appeared in one way or another. I’m not really a person who usually thinks these things are signs and whatever, and  I don’t think I really believe in ‘messages from the universe’ or whatever. But somehow they are a bit remarkable.

Last week, I won a small amount of money with a scratch off ticket someone gave me (it’s really a small prize, I bought 3 breads for it and gone was the money). As well, I won a scarf and hat with a prize contest which really surprised me – well actually I didn’t win it for myself, the contest was like “tell us why you would like to win this for someone”. So I will give the scarf and hat to the person I wished/won it for of course.

I bought a new sweater for myself (one I’ve been thinking about for maybe 5 weeks now). My size was sold out and a couple of days ago my size was back again and I promised myself last time when my size would be restocked, I would buy it, so I finally did. I found this card from the picture in my sweater saying: What’s stopping you?

Last night, I went to join my mother to church. Usually, I don’t enter churches, I’m not really religious in the way of believing in a ” person or something” – with all respect to persons who are religous and believe in something or someone. Really, I don’t mind other people being religious but I really dislike the fact there are people out there who think killing is right because someone has other ideas in these things and I really dislike that there is so much disrespect and pressure and such.

I still don’t know exactly why I joined – I think it’s because I felt guilty towards my mother. She always has to go alone there and I think she doesn’t like that. As well, a couple of days ago she said to me something like : sometimes I doubt that you love me. That I hold some kind of grudge because of the past. I still don’t know what to think of this. Yeah, it’s true- I am distant in ways, and things of the past will not be allright and forgotten. I am not a very huggy person – but this doesn’t mean I do not love. I am not a person who can be around people all the time – I NEED to be alone sometimes, just to be able to cope and deal with life. This she doesn’t understand – There are more things she doesn’t understand. There are things I don’t want to talk about anymore, because they will hurt her too much. Her life was difficult enough, and I know she will feel guilty when I will tell the truth – well, how it was for me and how it affected me. When everyone is here, I usually withdraw a bit – because my siblings can be pretty loud and present, and I just I can’t help it- I don’t feel comfortable with this.But that doesn’t mean I don’t love them. That doesn’t mean I don’t care or something. It stings me a bit she thinks this way and that it makes me feel guilty.

And it stings that I know with saying the whole truth (truth for me) that it will hurt. I can feel and sense the hurt that is done in the past, hurt not caused by me, hurt caused by me, I just sense it somehow and I don’t want to make things more difficult then they already are. There is no need for me to go over and over the past – I can’t change it anymore anyway, and I just want to move on – what’s left, is left. I learned my lessons. But I don’t want to talk over it again and again. I just want to move on. I will not forget, but I can live with everything because I can understand. Of course it did affect me and it probably still will in the future, but that doesn’t mean I want to make a constant issue of it.

Anyway, when walking to this church thing, the street lights had a failure I think, because they flashed on, off, stayed dark for a while, they went on again, and so it went. The stars you could see clearly. The service was okay I guess – I just sat there, heard the singing, listened to the man (sorry- I don’t know exactly what kind of man it was) who told a story and just observed other people and the building. The man was telling a story and when he was in the middle of a story he said ‘do not fear’ and it seemed like he looked me straight into my eyes. There are a few words that jumped out of this whole thing for me somehow; these were:

  • do not fear
  • hope
  • future

All these things made me think.

They are making links in my head, though I can not really explain them well.

I can feel the whiteboard in my brain changing all the time.

arrow left. arrow right.word.drawing. erase.new word.connection. another connection. and so on.

And today, I wonder about this:
What’s stopping me?

What do I really want? What does my soul want? What will be my next step?
I have to find my dream. I have to find out what I really want. How do you find it?

What’s stopping me to find my dream?

The spinning mess

Today, is a bit of a sad day. Woke up,  let the time go by, and go to sleep again. That’s another day of this kind. I’m still working on my downsizing project. (Yes, still.)

There’s  really have a lot of mess to sort out. How much stuff can a person have. Well, I guess maybe this is a part of growing up with less- I kind of grow up with the message “be prepared, store this, you never know when you’re gonna need it” and such. Store it, and you won’t have to buy it in the future. But what are glasses and mugs and stuff like that of use when you don’t have a house yourself? What use does it have to store papers with information you haven’t looked on for at least 5 years?  What’s the use of having at least 120 pencils to write with? What’s the use of storing birthdaycards and their envelops from the last 10 years? Why are they so hard to throw away? Somehow, I kept them “because that person wrote it and whatever happens at least I will have a memory of that person, something he/she wrote”. Does that make sense? I’m, not sure. Everything goes in life, in the end. No matter how much you want something to stay, everything fades and leaves in the end.

Of course, there is no one to blame but myself: I’m old and wise enough to realize and decide myself, and I was old and wise enough ten years ago to be able to realize this – just for a long time, I just lived this detached life.

Stuff keeps shifting from place to place in my room. First it looked a bit orderly, now it’s one big mess again. I got rid of some things, but I’m not there yet; it’s not enough. Again another load of paperwork is ready to leave the house. A lot of papers from University – I don’t think they will of any use to me anymore, and I haven’t looked at them for at least two years. I wonder what to do with all readers of University, where all the descriptions and requirements of the courses I follwed are written in. Is it important to store? Should I keep it? (I guess not). As well, a lot of stuff that doesn’t really have a function, but someone gave it once to me and somehow it’s hard to throw it away. Its not stuff thats worth selling, and I don’t know anyone who I can make happy with it, but I can’t keep it. I just can’t keep it, and I don’t know what to do with. All I know, is that it has to leave me.

And here, i’m sitting again, surrounded by all these things. Piles everywhere around.

My head spins. I feel awful. The mess isn’t only in the room, it’s in my head too.

waiting, for what?

Another day like other days before. The weather is nice – sunshine, not too cold, no rain. And I don’t have to do anything. Could be a perfect day, right? At least, that’s how it must be for some people. I should be happy, that I have a place to stay right now, that I can eat something, and so many things could be worse. Yeah, things could be worse. But that, doesn’t mean things are okay.

Be happy with what you have. Uhuh, who says. It’s a sentence that kills everything. Easy spoken, when you are not deeply unhappy and trapped.

Or say: oh, but in this country it’s not so bad, and it’s not so bad you don’t have a job, at least you don’t have a family. Uhuh, yeah, right, If that makes things okay.

Sometimes it’s making me angry. I am angry. I want to get out of this crap, but I’m stuck in a spider’s web where the spider has used superglue. I shouldn’t have come back here. It would have been better to be still abroad and even if I have lived on the streets, it might have been better. Yeah, I know what I say. I know living on the street is not cool.

And here I’m sitting. Waiting. Waiting for something to change. For something to happen. And I know too damn well, it doesn’t. That waiting doesn’t get me anywhere.

I should apply for jobs like crazy, I should run around and shout around how good I am and why someone should hire me and what I’m capable of and how cool I am and such.

But you know what? Reality is different. Here, the person behind these words, is broken.
YEARS now, YEARS – rejections, failures, people telling me it’s really not so bad, things will get better someday…………what do they know? WHAT do they know about this?

Things like this just need to hold on for long enough, and you completely lose yourself.

You don’t know anymore who you are, what you want, what you like, what you wish, what you dream, since there is no more. You don’t even know what you can, or are capable of, and you feel guilty. Guilty towards the world that they have to deal with a miserable failure like you me.

And it’s just a bad moment, right. Just a bad moment.

‘but you don’t try ‘

So. After my little breakdown yesterday I tried to get myself together today. I couldn’t sleep very well, and I couldn’t go to the office in the morning somehow. Simply moving my body felt like running 5 marathons with weights put on your head. So I messaged with some kind of excuse I would be later. Well excuse, it was a valid one – I have some ‘work’  at my place right now for this organization you could say, as in doing a mountain of laundry. But invalid because instead of folding the laundry, I stopped after folding some sheets and lay down on bed. I lay there until the morning became an afternoon, and I dragged myself to the office. Of course, there is nothing to do for me there, but somehow it seems to be expected that I just sit there as office decoration and smile and that should supposed to be fun. Great huh? (And no, I don’t get paid, since this is a voluntary thing actually, just to tackle to possible comments how great it is and how lucky some people think I could be to get paid for doing nothing – don’t worry, if it would be like that I would be happy to trade since I rather do something then do nothing at all on long terms- it makes me very unhappy.)

Last week I decided (myself, I didn’t inform anyone yet at this point) that I needed a break from here, and so I will leave this place by end of this week. I don’t know when I will get back, but for sure, I will stay away for a week. I don’t know how things will be after that, all I know is that I have to get out of here.

Today I finally found a moment (and the guts) to start about it. That I felt useless, unhappy and that I thought I was not the right person for this place. That I have a lot of trouble to adjust here, in the organization AND in this place. That I don’t see a future here and that I can not continue like this because it is driving me insane. That everything seems pointless, no matter what I do or think. Oh yeah, there is work, but no one really seems to be wanting to work (well, a bit perhaps but it goes SLOW and takes time, a LOT of time). It goes too slow for me I guess. And everything is so difficult since there are always so many things working against – I can not deal with that. So I tried to explain that, but I don’t think the message was clear, though they said ‘ I understand you’, but I don’t believe they did.

I tried to tell them that I find it very difficult to do something useful and that I lost my motivation and that I don’t feel so good. (It is actually terrible but I will not express that way in real life very quickly, especially not in the work environment).

But of this difficult and uneasy conversation, I remember one thing:

But you don’t try.

As a respond on that I found it so hard to blend and adjust in the town here. Seriously, I tried, but I can not and didn’t find any connection to people here and that is not with blaming anyone, there is really no one to blame, things are the way they are, anyway I told that I could be the problem very likely and that I thought I might not be the right person for this place.

But the response was; But you don’t try.

Well, that is half correct. Indeed, I don’t try ANYMORE.

I’m too tired. I feel depressed. I’m exhausted. I feel too disconnected. I don’t have energy to fight this. But it feels like another finger pointing at me. That I’m the one to blame. That the problem is me. That I am the problem.

But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.But you don’t try.