The numb days

Numb, and empty. That’s how most of my days are. My life isn’t very exciting. Not going out of the house often, almost everyday is some kind of the same. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month.

w1

After I finally got up, sitting on my chair, computer switched on. Staring at the screen. Reading a bit, looking at things, seeing if my online friends are there and how they are. And what they have planned for the day. Lately though, they are not so often there anymore and I just sit there in emptiness – staring.

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After a while I decide I should eat, so I get some breakfast (actually it’s almost lunchtime). But the taste? Like eating air. Things don’t seem to matter much somehow. I just sit, and eat something that tastes like air. That’s all.

w2

So there I am, just sitting and trying to figure out what to do today. Or maybe better said: how to pass the day. Trying to think of things to do. And try to act. All that happens lately, is that time just goes by and I’m sitting there in apathy.

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Sometimes I walk down and up the stairs, to get a tea or a coffee or a cappucino.

w4

And again. And again. And again. And again.

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There I sit staring at the computer. Watching / letting time passing by. Sometimes reading a bit, seeing a short documentary. Sometimes talking a bit to people online, but lately that doesn’t really happen anymore. Not sure what exactly happened….just feel very disconnected, and I speak less and less with them. Somehow I seem to be the only one with such a pathetic life -spending all day long online just sitting there. Next to that, it seems like the ability to talk or have conversations has gone. I have no idea what to say anymore if I see someone online and somehow that is hard, makes me feel a bit guilty, because–I like them and I kind of consider them as friends (is that weird?) and I definitely wish them all the best and hope that things go well for them and I am happy to see them, but I can’t show that somehow. It is really frustrating. Also, that makes me feel more guilty, bus also hurt somehow and very disconnected. Not sure why.

And well…….that’s how the day goes untill it reaches midnight.

Hello midnight. So yeah…sleeping time? Hm. Washed my bedclothes but no energy to put it on my blankets.

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Well whatever. It’s no priority to sleep, right? You can sleep under blankets without
bedclothes.

w8

Standing in my room. Looking at my bed and sleeping clothes (don’t even have pajamas, just some kind of tracksuit in which I sleep. But sometimes, even putting them on feels like too much and – another shamefull thing to admit- sometimes, I just do not put them on and lie down in my clothes I wore all day long.

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Thousands thoughts. Feeling weird about not putting on my sleeping clothes and having blankets without bedclothes, but I can’t seem to do anything about it. So there I just lie down, in bed.

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After a while, I finally fall asleep. Untill I wake up again.

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And lately, there is trouble to wake up or get out of bed. After I wake up, I stay in bed for hours sometimes, and sit on my bed and think what to do with the day. It’s empty, just like yesterday. Empty, empty, empty. Don’t even bother to shower, or put on some other clothes.

w95

Finally, the same things as yesterday happens again. Step out of bed, switch on the computer. And there I sit again. Trying to think how to pass this day. How to change.

And how I feel. Sometimes a bit of feeling comes through the being numb.

But I guess even that is empty. But it feels horrible sometimes.Even if it’s empty.

w96

This is just not how life should be. Just not how it should be.

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Where are my keys

Sometimes, this is what causes evil on certain (read: a lot) days:

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Yeah, exactly: keys.

Somehow I have a talent for putting them somewhere where I forgot where it was. Every time again I find myself running through the house like crazy cursing myself and telling myself “You should put your keys on the same spot from now on because this happens and happens and happens and is superfrustrating”. That goes like this:

ky2

All dressed up to go outside and while I step towards the door it suddenly gets me: Uhoh, where are my keys?

The first place I think of is my desk. That’s where they usually are. But no, of course they are not there. So I start the monstersearch.

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Looking on the table where I sometimes put them. No keys. Hmm.

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Run into the livingroom, where I almost never am, but who knows they are in a weird spot. No keys. Oh dear.

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Ah, of course. Poing. Idea in my head. The jeans I wore yesterday! I run upstairs and find…empty pockets. Still no keys. Arggggh.

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Clearly pretty annoyed I start looking into unusual places. Did I accidentally put them in the fridge? Threw them in the garbage? Maybe in my shoe? In the bathroom? No, still no keys.

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And then I slowly reach my last hope: the kitchen maybe? I look everywhere, but still no keys. I’m getting really annoyed now. They HAVE to be SOMEWHERE! Arrrrggghhh.

So this continues every time again, every time planning to put my keys at the same location. Of course that never works out. So i keep  ending up like this :

(trying not to scream)

ky9

(Frustration loadinggggggggggg and voice increasing:)

Into this monster:

ky10

Seperated souls

This is where you find yourself: sitting on a trainride with mixed feelings. On the move to a place where you have been invited to some party of someone you rarely know, and normally, avoiding things like that. But because that person – and a (very) few others seem to want so badly you come to that party – you go. These immense feelings of guilt you have about always saying no/turning things down/avoiding things like that, make that you feel you can’t turn it down all the time. After a lot of doubting and chaotic moments that day (still not sure whether to go or not), you decide to go quite late and that causes some tornado rushing through your brain. Making you walk like crazy through your room, very agitated. Trying to get your brain under control and telling youself: “Sometimes it’s good to do something that is not you”. Trying to tell yourself maybe depression is ruïning the way you see things. And maybe it is selfish to avoid things like that constantly. It’s hard to find out on which level you have to/ should do things for others or where you can/should draw a line for yourself. Anyhow, these feelings of guilt seemed to have won from the more comfortable idea of not going at all.

Staring out of the window into endless fields, seeing the dark settling in. Trying to distract your brain with listening to some music, but still agitated in the head. Normally sitting on trains could annoy you because it would take ages sometimes to get somewhere, but this time, you hope so badly it will take a long, long time before you reach. Of course this time, it is going way too fast. When the train reaches the endstation, you walk as slowly as you can towards the exit. There is someone waiting for you on the parking lot.

While driving through the empty streets of this city with a gloomy image because of the rain and dark you sense the other person is all excited. All you can do is give some numb reaction, though you wish it was different. You just can’t. Driving through empty streets where lights for the upcoming holidays already have been installed. However things are dark and sad, the image they give by being places next to the canal that runs through the city is nice.

The next moments are a bit uncomfortable/awkward somehow. Doorbell. Walking stairs. Congratulating and handing over presents. Introducing yourself. Luckily it’s not too crowded since you came early, so there is a ‘reason’ to leave early too. Sitting in a large livingroom you’ve never been before. Noticing the nice view on the canal. Getting a drink. Sitting at a couch. Observing. Trying to feel a bit more relaxed and try to enjoy things a bit, but that seems so hard. Trying to interact a bit with the other people who are there. But that isn’t something that is going very easy.

Slowly more people dropping in. They drink. And drink. And drink. Smoke, talk and talk and dance and dance and seem to have so much fun.  Music turns louder, more alcohol, more noises, more people, difficult to decide on what to focus. So just sitting on a couch listening to the music, trying to relax, to interact with people but that is even way harder, trying to ask them questions and show interest, eating cupcakes, eating other stuff, and starting to drink more and more alcohol. And more and more. Feeling more and more seperated in this room full of people, but trying so hard. Drinking alcohol isn’t something I usually do either, but somehow this is a reason to do so and it almost seems to become necessary to survive this night. So I drink, and refill, and refill, and refill. All I want is to be numb, very numb, and not feel so terrible and disconnected and out of everything. I walk a bit around and try to interact but it’s not working out so well so I end up sitting somewhere again.

Suddenly this feeling takes over. The feeling you wanted to avoid so badly tonight and you used so much energy to try to feel good. But it hits like thunder. Feeling outplaced. Surrounded by so many people, and feeling so alone. Observing what they do, what they say and how they behave. All that you want, is crawl away and hide and not be there. All kind of things spinning through your mind.

Suddenly these random things I thought of started – thinking about fireflies. Fireflies underwater in a lake, what of course is not possible. No idea why.  But they came into my imagination. I tried to recapture how fireflies move and how peaceful they can look in the dark. Once, many years ago,  I saw them on a trip sitting outside my tent at some campsite on a dark, but warm night where they were flying all around.

After having left, and heading for the place where I stayed over for the night, I lay down in bed and couldn’t sleep. It was around 3 am and my head was spinning like crazy. For a moment, it felt like I was losing my life in a certain way. Felt like I was only behaving and doing what other people wanted to see from me, and this is in no way me. A way that others seem to want me to be. That made me feel really lonely for a while. And feelings of loneliness can feel so cruel sometimes. The way of life I dont want to have and not want to become like – go out every week, drink a lot, get drunk, use drugs, make “fun”, flirting, and end up sometimes with violence or fights and other things…..If that is the way you are supposed to act, supposed to behave or be……it made me feel so sad for a while. Also conversations and focus on things like dating, on how your body looks like, “beauty” , sexual things, its all sooo not me. I feel like such an outsider sometimes I don’t seem to care about these things. Somehow, I care so less about someone’s religion, sex, color, height, weight, type of clothes, all those “outside stuff things”. Somehow I don’t see a person as a male or female, as a yellow or white or black person, as a believer or non believer, as someone who is straight or homosexual or something else…. I think I see them just as a person, the soul, the inside, is for me so much more important…to me. Somehow I probably judge sometimes too but I try to be as openminded as I can.  But somehow, everything I was surrounded by this time, was so much focussed on all those things I don’t (and don’t want to) focus on.

Talks about boyfriends, girlfriends, sex, boobs, looking fancy, clothes, beauty……I suddenly felt so sick. Even my friend, who I tried to explain a thousand times before I am not into dating and do not feel anything to hunt for boys or a date or sex or whatever doesn’t seem to hear that or understand. Keeps going about it. And that makes me so tired. So so tired. I just don’t respond to it anymore and just listen. There is nothing in me that wants to go out and find a man and date and all that stuff involved in that. Honestly, I do not even know if I can fall in love. If I am made for relationships. I don’t know. I never felt any physical attraction towards anyone, (that is a pretty weird confession to make since I didn’t tell that too often). When I did, i get these questions like ,”Oh, do you like girls (eh, no, I don’t think so), or “Oh, do you prefer to be a man maybe?” (Eh, also no). So I never really talked about it anymore since it seems to be a bit weird somehow.  But no, I just do not feel that at all – not a desire to do such things. That kind of stuff makes me confused. So many times I thought about it – is there something wrong with me? Can I even love? Maybe I don’t, maybe I lack in things like empathy, understanding, being able to interact, love….though  I think I can love someone else, but maybe that is a different type of love. I don’t know. I can feel a strong connection, but that connection is always to the soul. And yeah, maybe I feel sometimes like holding someone (that is something I like never do), but that means just holding and not involving more physicial things like certain people seem to make of things like that. Is that weird? Is that wrong? Is that love? What is it?

For now, I will stop writing, because it feels like I have written some kind of trilogy and things do not come out logical anymore.

Navigate in emptiness

My eyes are closed. My ears detecting some kind of pressure.  My hair is flowing somehow, and it feels like there are waves around me causing that. A deep, heavy something has let me sink to this unknown place. It’s cold, but I am able to move and my body shows no traces of being affected by the cold. Odd. I try to focus on the beat of my heartrate. I sense the blood flowing through my veins. I sense all organs inside of me working, but not on the way they work normally spoken.It’s a bit unclear to me what is happening, what they are doing, and why they are acting different. Certain noises I seem to hear remind me of being in the eye of a storm, but I seem to be underwater. I am able to swim, but somehow everything around me seem to have decided to shut down.

When I finally dare to open my eyes, slowly, I look around  carefully. It seems like I am stuck at what seems a bottom of a dark see, like a ship that sank and never sees the surface again. It’s cold, but looking around everything is mainly empty. Just traces of sand at the bottom of this sea, and water everywhere. No fish, no plants, no rocks. It’s all empty. It seems like my view is like infinite, of course it’s not, but due the lack of changing in this environment everything seems endless.

When I look up, there remains nothing but water. Somewhere far away the water seems to become lighter, but it’s too far away and I am not sure if that is just a fake appearance because of my disturbed mind, or that actually is reality. This whole situation makes me doubt about if that even exists, reality. I have no clue, but I keep staring and trying to recapture what happened – my mind seems blank and no traces of a past.

After a kind of accurate observation, I realize that I don’t know what I’m breathing, but it’s not air. My heart seems gone and there seems nothing to remain inside there but useless air. I can’t use it, no matter how bad I want to, it’s locked from me, it’s not possible  to reach it.

For a second, I wonder if I sold my heart to the devil, but that can not be true because I realize very well I would fail in that. Also this place has nothing to do with a hell, or a heaven. Even the existence of those is something I can not answer. Anyway, it’s abandoned and lonely. Left with no answers but more questions, and every possible escape route seem to be doomed – or maybe even better said: just doesn’t exist at all.

At night, when I tried to gaze up, trying to find the stars and the moon desperately. They would definitely help me navigate. But the layers of this sea, behaved too rough for being able to locate them. At this point, my heart fell to the bottom of the sea. After a while the sand covered it, but it never grew again.

Message in a sweater

Swea

Yesterday I discovered a message in a sweater I bought recently. (Of course a hooded one, as that seems to be some kind of basic need in my life, that sounds weird I know. But somehow I can not imagine me without hooded sweaters. I’m not sure why that is.)

Didn’t notice it before, but somehow I was a bit intrigued by what was written inside. It’s nothing really special, but somehow it maybe does fit in to my life at the moment. Also I was intrigued by a few other things I saw lately. Last week I got caught up in reading and seeing pictures about Mt. Everest expeditions, and yesterday I saw the trailer of  this movie called ‘desert runners’ which you can find here if you are interested to see: http://www.desertrunnersmovie.com/. Next to these two things, there are more ‘kind of related’ things that cause that something inside of me. But I’m not going to mention them all right now.

Somehow those things move something inside me, deep far away in my heart. It’s never there for long, and it never lasts long, and it’s not so strong, but something is there. But there is definately something ‘about those things’. Though I am not exactly sure what it is. Maybe pushing limits, see how far you can go, testing yourself, and sometimes being in a world where life and death and fear and joy are very close. It’s a bit hard do describe somehow. There are these times I can never seem to find the right words to find what I actually wish to say. But I guess this is all I can do/write/say right now.

swea1

This was the text that belonged to an attached label.

I guess somewhere far away  deep inside me there is something that asks for some kind of attention and action. Maybe a small part inside of me does know what it wants – just partly-  in life. It’s just confusing. Maybe it’s just a far away dream and never going to be reality. Maybe those things are just a kind of fata morgana inside my brain in this dark world that traps me.

Thinking about these things, this part of a song by 3 doors down called ‘When I’m gone’  popped up into my mind.:

There’s another world inside of me
That you may never see
There’re secrets in this life
That I can’t hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There’s a light that I can’t find
Maybe it’s too far away…
Or maybe I’m just blind…

Insomniblahhh

Sleeping is a great something. I’m glad it exists. Though, there are these times, I can’t sleep at all. Also sometimes I sleep way too much, other times I turn into a nightowl and don’t sleep at all for longer periods of time.

One evening, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep.The clock ticked and ticked and ticked minutes and hours away, but I just couldn’t sleep no matter how bad I wanted to.

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Okay, so no sleeping….let’s read a book. But too tired to read, so that wasn’t working out at all. Somewhat annoyed I put the book away.

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So after I put the book away, I tried to count sheep. Like they always show in cartoons on tv or tell in stories. Counting sheep huh. But all I could see was a sheep saying: mehhhh, behhhh, mehhh, behhhhh….

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Even more annoyed I tossed and turned and tossed and turned and switched positions ( somehow I move more in my sleep then during the days) but suddenly…

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I rolled over too far and it was BOOM. There I lay next to my bed on the ground.

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Since I fell out of bed, I was lying down on the carpet on the floor staring at the ceiling. What was the point of stepping back into bed anyway?

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And switching position again.

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And more switching positions.

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And more….and more and more and more…

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And more……….untill i felt so stupid I stepped back into bed again.

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Where I was lying feeling stupid untill the sun came up again. Wahoo, a brand new day….

The dark cave without a map

Sometimes, there are these moments certain things suddenly come out of the depths of my brain. Or from the heart.  It’s kind of like walking through a dark cave in a forgotten part of a lonely world, and suddenly, thousands of bats starting to fly towards a new destination. Without warning. Memories. Feelings. More memories. Recapturing things. Overthinking things. More bats. Flying. It’s all over. Everywhere. Dark. Noise. Dark. Pain. No way to escape, the storm comes all over you with full power and full speed. No place to run, no place to hide. It comes. It just happens. You can not avoid it.

Some of the memories are pieces of the past, and in the moment of validation never realizing they were – or would be- so important – after all. Some things you only seem to realize when they are gone. Gone, gone. I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing. Probably both. Some things, or persons, played an important role in the past but do not seem to be part of the future anymore.

A few of those, I really regret and I guess they are like that dark cave – no end to be found, dark, lost, and there doesn’t seem to be an end, nor is there a map, nor an instruction book how to act/react.You just never know.

Sometimes, I don’t know how to feel about. Sometimes I do not want to have these memories, sometimes I crave to get them back in reality. But with some things, that is not going to happen, and you know that deep inside your heart. It’s just not going to happen. Sometimes, with things happening now, it feels like some kind of repetition from the past. And you feel like you want to avoid them or change the future goal, but you can not. You just can not.

A cold wind runs through the cave. The bats seem to have vanished in the darkness, but they do not seem to be around in the cave anymore. There must be a place to leave this cave. Slowly you are trying to walk, following the wind, because there must be an opening in this dark world. Touching the space around you, all cold and wet stones, carefully scanning the area as far as you can see, but all you have are your own senses in a total dark place. Your eyes mean nothing in this world. Stepping over slippery rocks underneath your feet. Carefull. But trapped. It feels like being trapped. Hope slowly fades away into despair. There is no end. It’s almost like not daring to breathe. Sounds echoing into corners that are corners you can never reach. How did I even end up in this cave? Thoughts spinning like crazy. A non-existing place, n o n – e x i s t i n g,  so how could it even possibly trap you?