It’s all or nothing.

It really seems like life is that way sometimes; or no job at all, or more work than you wish for. No job, nothing to find, no money, stuck – you have nothing, nothing happens, nothing is the main word. A job? Then it’s all. not parttime, no, fulltime. You have to run around like crazy, be there, take all, you have work, you have everything, you have money to get by.

There’s no break. No in between. No middle. You can’t work half. Live half. Get by half.
It’s all, or nothing.

IMG_0531

Work has been incredible exhausting. Well, it still is. 48,5 hours this week. I’m tired. One day off now. Then another very busy week is coming up with long, exhausting days. It takes time for my head to stop thinking and processing information. This job is taking a lot from me (and I guess from my colleagues too). I don’t know how everyone keeps  standing, and going, but I really have a hard time .

Every weekend so far, one of the days I spend lying down and sleeping, because I was completely wrecked. Too tired. The second day it goes okay, and then the circus starts again. This week , now, I just have one day ‘weekend’. I woke up in the middle of the night (yikes, did I send that email, did I do that or not?). I had to drag myself. Work was like glue – being sticked to the carpet and trying to move. Sticky sticky sticky.

But: moving forward. Go Go Go.

I don’t know if it’s me being weak, but I have such a hard time to hang on to this. I dont get it how people can do ‘fun things’ next to a job like this. I dont feel like talking to anyone anymore, or doing anything or going anywhere – I’m simply too tired and all I think of is rest and sleep.

Is this the aftermath of the pulmonary embolism? Is this just ‘getting older’? Or am I just weak? Who shall say. All I know is that I can not manage to live a life like this for a long time.

I just can’t hold on to that.

And how

And so

many

questions

 

And I realize, in other parts of the world, there are people, for who 48 hours a week is nothing. Who work harder. Who live crappier. And I’m being weak and moaning about my situation. Its all about perspective. It’s all about feeling trapped and deciding.

AM I trapped? No.

Yes, at the same time.

The world is full of paradoxes.
The world is full of invisible prisons.

And yet, full of chances and choices.

My head’s spinning again, and I can’t make sense of it. Tornado alarm. But the good thing is: that means frozen. Willstayintheposition and notmakingchoices.

Ugh.

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