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I am scared, I guess. All I want to do is shut my phone off, crawl away in bed and not face anything.

I did not write for long. A lot happened. Too much to write out – I can’t seem to write anymore.

Anyway, I’m on sick leave. My contract ended. Somehow my sickleave was approved so I get money (kind of benefit, not much, but I get by). But I didn’t trust it. I searched and applied for jobs. I went for interview. Now I seem to get hired.

But I doubt so much. Is this job not too much too handle for me? Not too much pressure? Can my head handle this? I am already feeling stressed. They were not sure about hiring me, but they see potential so they decided to give me a chance. They doubted about my perfectionism, about the it takes time to get around peoplething, and I had to think about my clothes.

I am scared. What if I can not handle it? WHat if my head is not better? Appearantly , even if the last few weeks went well, I have so much trouble to hold on to normal life. I try, I’m too good to be sick but too not well to be good and go along with the flow. So I am scared. I think.

And:Yikes. Here is the moment I expected to happen. Clothes.

I usually just wear a jeans and a shirt, longsleeve or sweater. But very neutral. Thats how I feel the most comfy, and thats how I am I suppose.

Now I will have to change that.

I am so scared, that I tend to reject this job. But IF i let it go I dont know if I ever get in the job market again, and I avoided it instead of trying.

I just want to cry, to crawl under a blanket and not face anything. I just want to lie in my love’s arms , but she’s not there. She’s away for two months, doing some supercool adventure on her own. I am superproud of her. Really. This is what she wanted and I am glad she went, but I do miss her. She really keeps me a bit more sane, connected, stabilized to the world. Your world should not be one person, but she definitely makes my world so much more stable, nicer, easier to deal with everything in life.

(I feel like crying now that I can not deal with life and I feel like this, and at the same time I can curse myself for being such a wussy).

I can not be happy with the fact that I will have a job again in a while -i just feel my heart pounding and I feel a lack of air. I don’t have a lack of air, that’s just how it feels.

This is appearantly me.

Is this anxiety? Is this depression? Is this lack of self confidence? How do you deal with these kind of things. What can I try to make this a bit easier, or better? I am trying, but I don’t succeed so well.

I can always stop, if it doesn’t work. But that doesn’t make me feel relieved.

Argh. Argh. Argh.

 

 

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A bit out of the comfort zone

Last week, I did an unexpected application, quick and officially the opening was closed, but still on, but I still sent the application in. I was surprised that they did call me, and I had an interview today. For this other job.

This morning I went to my current job first , where I have to build up hours again, but I felt terrible. I was so so tired when I left there. Drained, and I just spend 2 hours there. things will never be okay again there.

I came home and went not very well prepared to the job interview (part of the plan, actually, to keep things stress-free). I am really not sure how it went. I asked lots of questions, but I’m not sure how well I answerd the questions about me and my skills. After, I thought I should have done things differently or should have said this and that, but it was already to late. I said what I said and I did what I did, I can’t change it now.

They will inform tomorrow, so I will know soon if I make a chance or not. But I really, really don’t know how I feel about this job. It could be nice, but I honestly don’t know. It’s hard to see that. I don’t know if that is the depression talking or that it’s just not a job for me.

So as I try to also see some positive things in what happens – Yeah, I felt bad today. But I went to work, I went to the interview and whatever happens, I did these things (and especially interviews and stuff like that are out of my comfort zone), I cooked and I ate strawberries. I slept too , but thats okay sometimes when  you feel miserable right?

I don’t know if it’s positive what I wrote, because I want to try to make positive posts too sometimes,  I hope it is, because this is the best I can do right now.

 

 

That, was that.

I went to the office today and had a talk with my manager and the job agency aka my official employer. I felt superstressed and nauseaus before going there, really had a knot in my stomach. The talk was okay – there is a plan now, which means I’m going back to work from monday and I start with two hours a day.

I also said that I don’t want my contract to be renewed. I think my manager was a bit surprised.  But now everyone knows my contract will end somewhere end of July. So whatever happens, I will not stay in my current job.

So far that, and that was that.

This is the beginning of an end. I don’t know where it will go – it felt difficult, but in my heart I know this is the right decision.

It was ‘just’ too much.

Work has been incredibly busy and exhausting the last few weeks.

There were as well a lot of system failures this week on top of that. My days were long (9 hours or more) and I come close to a 50 hour working week. Now 40 hours I think is already pretty much and it can be difficult to deal with for me. I know it’s “normal” for a lot of people, for some even more hours. But seriously, I think it is a bit too much and I can’t understand how people deal with other things at the same time while working so much. I just don’t find the energy to do all those things (visiting friends, grocery shopping, cinema, sports, living on your own/cleaning your house and doing the necessary things). I find such a hard time to do everything I would like to or need to when I work this amount of hours. It leaves me at least one day totally numb and too tired to do things. And last week I just had one day off so that wasn’t helpful.

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But yesterday, it was really too much too handle. I already had trouble, I was very tired, and it just went on and on and on. I tried to push myself, just a few more hours, just one more day. But thursday I drove home, feeling so exhausted and shaky that it was not fun anymore. My head just stopped working. I came home, stepped in bed with my clothes on and went to sleep. To get up and dress and go to work again. I asked in the morning if it was possible to please be off a few hours earlier. I know it was superbusy, and I almost didn’t dare to ask, but I just had to. They didn’t give me off, but at the end of the day, when I had just 2 hours left, I knew I had to stop working. I couldn’t manage anymore. My head stopped working, and if I wouldn’t go home soon I would not be able to drive home myself anymore. So I went to tell that I had to stop working and had to go home. That was okay, but it still felt weak. Was I really the only one that dropped out? But I just couldn’t go on anymore. I need rest. Now I have a 2 days weekend off, but today I’m still kind of broken. I don’t function. I will just hang around feeling crappy the whole day.

Is this it? Is this how life is supposed to work? Is this what we are living for?

no time to think

The last few days have been very busy. I’ve been functioning as a kind of callcenter I guess, I never spend so much time making and answering phonecalls. The situation with my grandma is still not safe or well. She had couple of blood transfusions and other injections and more. Since the hospital system works there in a certain way, there is 24 hours a day someone with her, to make sure she gets food or can go to the bathroom. (In this country where I am now the nurses help you with these things, in her country, in a ‘affordable’ hospital, they appareantly don’t – which is sad)

I’m the only one of the family who stayed behind and isn’t there. It makes me feel guilty and weird to have stayed behind, but yet I’m in a very difficult position. A life never can go above work, that is for sure though. But the most important people are surrounding my grandma, and someone had to take care of things here too, which I do now. I truly hope this hospital bacteria is gone and my grandma can recover from everything, but I don’t dare to think of anything since it goes so up and down and her health is so poor. All I can do is hope for the best.

Tomorrow I start my new job – I have to attend 2 weeks of training first. If things turn out that I have to go to the country of my grandma as well, I will lose my job. I truly hope my grandma will recover, because the choice is difficult otherwise. Not to see her anymore and not say farewell or lose the job, and be broke soon and the government could see it as another extra reason to not help me and give benefits – because it is ‘my fault’ that I didn’t start the job. I would have so much more trouble to find a way to be able to live, it’s already hard now.

Seriously, Monsterworld this is- these choices are not fair. But everything is based on financial things and not on really helping people. Everything feels like punishment to me. I dont get this world, I dont want to understand this world. I feel rejected by “my own country” if you can ever speak of your own country.

All I have to do is find a way ‘out’.

The phonecall (and a busy day)

The last few days I’ve been feeling quite depressed. I still do not feel great, though there’s a bit space to breathe right now: I got the job!

This afternoon I had a missed phonecall (was in the car) and I saw the number and I knew who it was. This could mean two things: I was rejected or I would get hired. *panic*. After 20 minutes I decided to call back. The lady asked me how the interview went, so I told her that I felt really bad after it and that it didn’t was so great in my eyes. Then she said: Well, they thought different about that. *HUH?*.

Yeah, they want to give me a contract. Next week I will have to sign. I will start in the 2nd week of March and I will have a job untill the 2nd week of May. So it’s temporary, but it’s something right. I hope I can get some financial space again – I hope the training for this job goes well and I can do it, because even if I sign, there’s nothing sure of course and there is always this period of trial, or however you say that in English.

I’m not sure how I feel now. I’m afraid a bit I can’t do this job, I’m not smart enough, or things like that.

So. Other thing I went today is to a specialist for compression stockings for my ‘sick’ leg. I went to another person, because I didn’t like the previous one very much (she gave me wrong information and she would give me my measures of the last years at least 3 times but I never got them). This new lady was someone with a lot of experience in this field and she asked for the history, so I told her the story about my leg (Erisypelas, Thrombosis, and the pulmonary embolism after) and that I started wearing this thing very late, because no doctor told me about this, and I had to figure out myself about the need of a compression stocking and such, and that I had a lot of questions still. Parts of my leg swell if I don’t wear this thing and the color of my leg is different, also I have some minor issues with my toe. She explained to me that this is internal damage. But I never had a proper check in this, is beacuse of the healthcare system – the insurance system wants to put everything in systems and you get so much money and things for a ‘patient’, so this means limited things. Aand this confirmed my thoughts – you can not assume you get the care you need. They should have checked me properly in the beginning, but they didn’t even mention this to me, and the checks I had I mostly asked for myself. As well, in the beginning I really didn’t know what to do because I didn’t know anything about this. It’s sad that you get sick you can’t believe and trust the doctors opinions.

Well,  I will never get rid of this compression stocking – but I can live with that, it’s what I thought myself already somehow. It doesnt look sexy, but I do not dare to let it of, I am very scared that I get issues with it again and I really don’t want this. Luckily, I took the right decisions in the past to keep wearing these things, even if the doctor told me I could leave it off after two years. This lady, the specialist, told me it was very wise of me not to do so, that I didn’t listen to the doctor, because of these blue spots- she said that this is a sign of internal damage , and especially because  I had both ‘worse things’ – erysipelas and thrombosis, I probably have double damage – the vessels and the lymphatic system) and It might be bigger then we think. I will also keep the same compression pressure class, because its safer. This means; expensive, handmade stockings. I can only have 2 a year, not more (this is not enough- the power decreases, its the same if you have to do a whole year with only 2 pair of socks ). But the insurance doesnt allow – they dont care if you need it or not. The stupidest thing is that I actually end up paying myself because of the ‘own risk’ policy. And these things are not cheap at all. But since I will have a job now, it will be a little bit easier.

But the good news so far; I’m going to try a new brand, AND this brand I was able to choose a color! This wasn’t possible with the old ones, they are ugly brownish, I felt a bit old with these things, but okay, in summer it’s not so obvious and some people notice it very late that I have something on my leg, so far that’s good. But I get a black one too now! I’m superexited about this. The lady said they paint it, and that this paint actually keeps it more stiff for a longer time in comparison to the not painted one, whcih is good for the pressure. So I’m really exited about trying these new compression stocking out! It’s maybe stupid to be exited about, but somehow it makes me a little bit happier.

Crossing lines – to be someone you’re not

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Last week, I didn’t do any job applications. Simply because there wasn’t anything that ‘suited’ (I am not a technical schooled person, I don’t have 5 or 10 years experience, I didn’t have the asked for diplomas and certificates, etc). I only went to a fair for working and living abroad, and spoke shortly with two people, but nothing concrete. And I came back sick, and ended up spending a few days in bed mostly sleeping.

I managed so far to go on walks three times a week, this week my score is still on one, but I plan to go this afternoon for a walk too. I’m still working on clearing out my stuff, I selected some books from University which are probably of no use anymore, so I will try to sell them. I threw away a lot of paperwork (information – it’s ‘hard’ to throw information away somehow).

I still need to do some things, like change my mobile phone plan which actually expired a couple of years ago, but I never changed it because the new plans where not interesting at all. But now, it can become cheaper I think, but it’s somehow a hell to sort out. As well, I have to get a reference thing from the doctor to be able to get a new compression stocking for my leg. (Btw, which I still end up paying myself, thanks to the own risk policy from the health insurance – it’s really awesome, I pay for everything myself in the end, so why having insurance? Because it’s obligatory, stupid system!). This is what pisses me off sometimes too. For example, if I would smoke and quit smoking, I would have a lot of reimbursements for treatments and such, and for what I have now, something I didn’t choose to have, and I can’t control at all I end up paying everything myself because everything is out of the insurance (it’s a not too common thing, maybe that’s why.)

I guess I sound a lot pissed of and angry ‘at the world’ lately. I guess I am a bit, because somehow a lot of things are not fair or equal in my eyes. Sometimes it bothers me I guess.

But yeah, what can I do? Moaning about it doesn’t help. So I guess I just have to move on and take it for what it is. And I’m trying, I just don’t always succeed.  By now, I heard when I have the final interview for the (temporary) job I applied for a couple of weeks ago. It’s next week. I’m a bit anxious I guess – what should I wear? Can I find the place? Would I say the right things? Would I make a good impression? Am I capable of doing this?

Of course, I will have to pretend. That I’m good for this job, that I’m awesome, that I can do this, piece of cake! (But that, is the contrast of the real me). I’m way more careful. Maybe I can, if there’s one thing I’ve learned is that you’re almost never sure. And so far, with this job, I guess I sounded pretty confident. I crossed a line. A line that is not me. It feels uncomfortable. I just want to do work because I’m good in it and I like it, and not because I pretend like someone I’m not.

conflicting feelings.

Is that the point? To be someone you’re not?