Don’t HAVE to vs. stress is back.

The last few days were not very nice. I felt as I had a stone on my chest. This all were the 3 days after the job interview and message that they would give me a chance.

Over the weekend I spoke with several people. I’m glad I did, because it makes me feel more calm. This big stone on my chest lifted a bit.

Someone asked me the question what is it about this job that I like.Silence. I am not sure if I have a very good reason: I applied for this job in the first place because I don’t trust the benefit system and social care here. I thought I would not get money, so I would have to find a back up myself. The job goes a bit with my studies, though not completely, and I thought I could do it and I had a decent chance.

But there is more about being able to do something, making a chance. That can not be all ‘the’ reason. For a long time I walked on my toes at work. I never felt valued, and there was this enormous pressure and every single minute of my day was planned, with no possibility to change it yourself. It also clashes a bit with my personality, because I’m someone who thinks, who cares about quality. My previous job was not the place, and it looks like this new job isn’t the place for it neither.

But. But but but:

Finally I have a bit peace of mind. I have time to recover. I get some money, enough to get by. I can survive with that. Why would I push myself immediatly in a situation again with stress? I don’t have to feel guilty, because I work for a while (almost 15 years) and I never had benefits before. Still I feel a little guilt. Less than before, but it’s still there.

I did a lot of jobs and work I didn’t like so much. Some where hard work for very less money,. I never had a relaxed job I think. For once I can find a nice place too, right?

So I just have to remind myself, I don’t HAVE to do this. I got recovery time, and I will go to see a psychologist because I don’t get out of this anymore and I feel lost. I couldn’t do that before because of the waiting lists. But it will not take so long anymore now. I just hope he or she can help me.

And boom. Interruption.

Phonecall. Of the social benefit stuff. And boom again there is is stone on my chest. This guy started about work and starting to work and reintegration. WHAT THE HECK LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A BIT! is what I feel my whole body screaming. I don’t want to do the same kind of work again. This guy send something like if you can than you kind of have to, WHAT even if it MAKES YOU SICK? What is it in this world?

Really? They expect you to get better and while you’re still not charged or better they bomb you with phonecalles and questions and things to look in to like HELLO CAN I HAVE PEACE FOR A BIT AND BE LEFT ALONE AND NOT ALL THIS PRESSURE ON ME?

This is what I really, really dislike about this world.

Once your down, everyone seems to step on to you and decide whats best for you and you get the impression that you’re doing something illegal and superbad. And push you and not really listen.

It looks like this system doesn’t care if your job makes you sick.

Finally I felt a bit better. And now I’m full of anxiety and not nice feelings again.

I feel stressed. The stone on my chest. Breathe. All this tension in my body.

Is this supposed to be life? Is this what people find accepteble and fun and okay?

Like really, I understand why people don’t want to be part of society, to be left alone, become addicts, or even get that far to make a decision to end life. I get it. I can understand it.

Seriously, I wish life was a bit more friendly and easier.

 

 

 

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That, was that.

I went to the office today and had a talk with my manager and the job agency aka my official employer. I felt superstressed and nauseaus before going there, really had a knot in my stomach. The talk was okay – there is a plan now, which means I’m going back to work from monday and I start with two hours a day.

I also said that I don’t want my contract to be renewed. I think my manager was a bit surprised.  But now everyone knows my contract will end somewhere end of July. So whatever happens, I will not stay in my current job.

So far that, and that was that.

This is the beginning of an end. I don’t know where it will go – it felt difficult, but in my heart I know this is the right decision.

And that was the doctor..

Today I had an appointment with this doctor that is hired by the job agency. He’s the only one who is allowed to give advice. I found him a bit quick somehow, like I expected to tell more in detail what caused all of this, but he seemed only interested in the essentials/basics. This part made me a bit unhappy. But he found it ‘legitimate’ that I called in sick. So that is the good part , I guess. But I found it pretty superficially – the whole thing. I was not sure what to expect but I thought it would go a bit ‘deeper’. Causes, real examples, stuff like that.  Maybe a wrong expectation.

He said he thinks it’s being overworked, and he wants me to start working again slowly. But that I can’t do anything stressful and I need structure. He will put that in his advice. And I kind of have to follow that. Starting with two hours a day and slowly building up. I have to go see him in six weeks. If things do not go better or did not change, he will refer me to some special psychologists that are also hired by my employer. Tomorrow I will call the ‘sickservice’ to see with them how we do this.

I don’t know if I’m happy or not. I’m afraid nothing will change at work anyway. I don’t see how this can get better, but maybe that is my depressed view at things.

I feel depressed today. Like, really depressed. I just hope tomorrow is better.

 

Feeling guilty

I had to call in sick again, because I don’t feel well. I guess I went back to work too quickly, going immediatly back when I started to feel better, but not well yet.

I’m not sick sick, like in superbad sick, but I’m not well enough either to work. After a few hours I get a nasty headache and I don’t feel good, with the result of nothing coming out of me anymore. Somehow I need to sleep or rest after a few hours.

I can’t really help it, but  I feel guilty when I call in sick. I know it doesn’t make sense, because everyone (or most) are sick from time to time. But still, this feeling I can’t get rid of. It also doesnt help that these employer services call you with questions like ‘when do you expect to get to work again’ and immediatly bombing you with the procedures.

Seriously, sometimes people are just sick, they dont know when it’s going to be better and what is exactly is, but can you just be sick without being bombed by these procedures? What is that good for? It makes me feel more pushed, almost stressed and not allowed to be sick. Why the heck have we invented this, and why ?

If I think about it, and look around me, all that seems to matter is money and efficiency. That just makes my head spin. Where is life, the wellbeing, the person, the helping each other and have a nice life and basic things you need that everyone should have?

Instead, the world doesn’t work like that. And I don’t get it. Why? Why did it become this way? I can’t stand the idea of people working in poor circumstances, never being able to just live a bit comfortable and send their kids to school just because some multinational wants to make the most profit by buying their stuff cheap and a lot of people only seem to care about the price of something, expressed in the money they pay for it.

The pressure that some work places put on their people. The people who earn tons and have three houses. What the heck? The time employees get to sew a skirt, or to handle a phonecall, or to bake a bread. Seriously? Timed from second to second. Limited time for personal care (hey, if you have to pee, you have to pee right?). Gosh. The more I think about it, the more sick I get. What the heck is this world?

And the worst thing is that I’m being part of it too. I have cheap things too, or clothes or other products that are made by people in bad circumstances. I try to take care of this and buy fair trade or ecological stuff and such, but is that really what it says? And not everything I have is like that. So I’m guilty as hell too.

On top of that, I feel the pressure of social media, smartphones and stuff, being available all the time, and people expect you to reply in a minute. Seriously, where does this go? I manage so far without a smartphone and without too much social media, but still, I feel this kind of pressure. And the pressure of paying bills, that I don’t know why, but when I had a lower salary seemed to be really less. Now I earn more than the minimum wage, bills seem to find my way, taxes for this, taxes for that, I don’t know where they all come from, but all these insurances and taxes and all other kind of things you’re obligued to pay……..

 

breathe. Just breathe. That is all I should do now.

Goodbye mrs Cat

For a while I knew this moment would come. One of the two cats who live here, was sick. Something with the liver. Under treatment for a while. But things got worse, and worse. Last fridaynight I searched for the emergency vet, because cat was not well.

Today, when I drove home from work, I knew that this would be the last hour cat would be alive. Just an hour ago, she stopped breathing. The vet gave her an injection. Poor little cat.

She was fifteen. She was sick. She was in pain. Didn’t eat, didn’t drink. Poor little cat.
She is buried now, under the soil, with her blanket, and her toy. I can’t help it, but I cry.
I cry for the cat.

 

Stupid (?)

Today my jaw is still hurting. Also, the last day I have painkillers .

I didn’t go to work. I called work this morning to see if I could have a different schedule that’s managable for me; 8 hours on a day I don’t manage at the moment, and I don’t manage to talk whole day long. The stitches inside my mouth and my jaw do not agree with that. Otherwise the discomforts and pain that brings, there’s not much wrong with me (or is there?)

Anyway, I contacted my work, because I was called in sick Friday. They said I better stay called in sick, because they can’t guarantee me that they can send me home all the time when I don’t manage.So maybe I would have to call in sick a few times, which is not handy and not good because they look at the number of times you called in sick with contract extentions- if there are too many, it can mean the end of the job.

I spoke shortly with them and the rest via e-mail. They wrote something like “discuss this with the manager”so I wrote him. And now the doubts hit in. I don’t know why I did, I don’t know if that was the right thing to do. I asked for an adapted schedule becuase it’s not that I can’t work at all.

Maybe I shouldn’t have done that and stayed ‘called in sick’. Why can’t I just bear a few days doing nothing, I suddenly asked myself. Because I was home so much last week and worked from home 2 days? Why does it make me feel so uncomfortable? Am I that afraid of the organisations you can get to deal with when called in sick? Everyone’s out of running sometimes, so why can’t I be?

Suddenly, I feel like I’m stupid I wrote the e-mail.

I realize I can’t take it back, it’s already sent.

What’s wrong with me? I don’t give myself time to recover properly. Work has taken a hold of me, that I seem to feel the need to always be there and function like a robot.

That’s no good.

stupid me. silly me.

The good and the bad

It’s crazy, crazy busy at the moment. My job is so demanding and exhausting, it’s crazy. I sleep and work, and that’s all. I drive home way too tired, and drive back to work too tired as well. It’s busy as hell at work and I’m having trouble to get through the days. My head blocks at a certain moment and I have so much trouble to hang in.

The good thing is; a few days ago I learned that I can stay at my job! For at least the next 3 months, there will constantly be 3 months extentions, but that’s fine to me. I didn’t expect that I could stay, and I’m kind of happy because now I know I have work for a bit longer and there is something in my life that I seem to be able to do right. I also feel quite comfortable at work somehow and I can be myself somehow. I will be trained for other things, I don’t know for what yet, but I’m a bit curious about it.

Since two weeks I have some tongue fungus which is really disgusting. I went to see a doctor and got some stuff, but it didn’t help and now I have some new medication, with a lot of nasty side effects. I’m nauseous all the time, headaches and tired and I feel weak. It still doesn’t seem to get better and it worries me. * Do not use Doctor Google for everything*. I don’t know where this comes from but I do know it started shortly after I was ill and stayed home for a couple of days which I spend in bed. It’s not only my tongue – I feel it in the back of my throat. So I hope no other nasty infection is coming – I’m a bit worried this will block my outdoor training trip.

Next week I am supposed to go to a training abroad, but if I’m still not well like I am now, I’m not sure if I go or cancel. I do not want to get really sick. I’m still in doubt what to do.

Last but not least; Last week when I came out of work I found a very nice surprise. My love was here! She told me she was away for the weekend, and she couldn’t be on skype and such. But instead she hitchhiked all the way to come to me 🙂

After work she was standing at my work – wow! I couldn’t believe my eyes, but she really was there. She had her birthday this weekend, and we went out for dinner to a restaurant. It was so nice to be together, and just lie in bed and talk. The day when she left was a bit sad, it made me cry and I felt sad. But I was so happy. She is so cool that she did this. And I so didn’t expect it.