The fight against the pressure at work

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The sun shines, the leaves fly around. Outside, things are beautiful.

Inside, during the week, it’s grey, and there’s a lot of pressure. Pressure that puts me in a prison. I can’t step right, I can’t step left.

Still, I like my work, but there is a part of my job that I really, really dislike and that doesn’t give me the space that I need to do my job well. It wasn’t so bad in the beginning when I started, but it seems to get worse and worse. Last week, I was about to explode. ( I didn’t – instead I stepped to my coach and vented there). But it’s not nice for the upcoming future. More colleagues will leave (contracts end or they stop the job because of several reasons).

In the beginning at this job,they said it’s better to give a good answer, than a fast answer. The focus was on quality, not on quantity. Perfect for me – that’s how I am. I’m not the fastest and I don’t handle the most information requests for sure, but I do my research. I want to give a decent answer.

This seems to change lately – time seems more and more important, rather than giving right answers or help well. I’ve been fighting this before, but sometimes I don’t get the time I need to finish my work. At my job, we are scheduled what we do at each hour. Officially there are rules, if you need time for something, you ask. But I ask and ask and ask, and simply never actually get this time. So what happens? My work stagnates, people have to wait for answers for long time, sometimes they call back, but I just don’t have the space to finish those tasks, because I simply do not get time. The current things, they seem more important than work that’s already there. Yeah, that means people have to wait sometimes before they can speak to me, but the other tasks need to be done too. I can’t postpone them forever.

And so more. Sometimes I need specialists for answers, because the trainings I got are very broad, and minimalistic. In reality that means I have to ask the specialist a lot and rely and I’m dependent on the specialist. That usually takes time too. But for one of the things, often I do not get right anwers, or not answers on my questions, so i have to send it back and wait again. Sometimes I have to put it back for more than 2 times. Not practical.

All of this makes me feel very incompetent with my job. People expect answers from me, but I’m dependent on so much others. I don’t get the time to find the answers or handle the requests. But I have the time to take in new. It’s not correct.

It’s growing more than I can handle. I feel this huge pressure on me, but I don’t get the space to fix things. They don’t give me time- I’m stuck.

I can’t work like this. I can not do my job well if I don’t get the space and time to finish things.

And I can’t just follow the orders. If I do that as strictly as the schedule and my tasks, things don’t go right. People don’t get their information, answers, and they will be informed wrong, or not at all. I can’t work like that. I can’t look in the mirror then and think I do my job well and I do something good for society – because it’s not that way.

I don’t know what I want to reach with this post. I’m sad that my job seems to turn out this way. I hope it will change, but I don’t expect too much. I just have to find a way to make it work and not feel so stressed and incompetent anymore. Otherwise, I will have to choose for myself and leave. I can’t work like that. I am not like that. I can’t stand behind myself if I have to work like that.

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Trouble to spend money

It’s another “I-have-trouble-to-spend-money-time”.These kind of periods appear more often in my life, but I still have trouble to deal with it. I don’t exactly know or understand where it exactly comes from. But even when I ‘need’ somehting, I have trouble to buy it or spend money on it. Except groceries like food, are going ‘okay’.

For my outdoor trip in two weeks, I need an insulating mat to sleep on. Now I have one, but, that’s a cheap ass thing that is too cold if not sleeping in a tent. I have a tent, but it’s not practical to take because it’s too big to carry on your back all day. (does this mean I need a new tent too?). We will sleep under tarps, but maybe a tent is more warm. Argh. Doubts and questions coming.

I’ve been researching on the web about sleeping mats, and learned about quality differences and types of mats.

Conclusion: to make things comfortable for myself, I need a new sleeping mat. And I should not buy a cheap ass mat, but spend a bit more money to buy a decent thing with good isolation. I don’t want to get sick of outdoor trips.

I’ve found a few things on the web. But somehow, I can’t buy it. I can’t get myself to buy this thing. I have some money. I still have a job now (but, maybe it ends in two weeks…). Is it that, why I have trouble to spend?

Rational, I know it doesnt really m atter, even if I will be out of work and out of income again, this will not mean the difference in the end. Yeah, its maybe 60 bucks, but those 60 bucks don’t make my life easier or more complicated; at some point I will run out of money anyway, and one day earlier or later, doesn’t really make a difference, does it?

Confessions and shame

Today, my day started not too great. I guess it has something to do with …. well, my inabilities with certain things, I guess. Okay. This is a bit hard. But I am going to write about something that I find hard, and that I feel ashamed for. But it is bothering me a bit and there is not really someone I can talk to about these kind of things. But I might remove it again, since I am really ashamed of it and it is really uncomfortable, so please forgive me if I do so.

It is the first time I am going to write about this openly (well, I don’t know if it really is but to me it feels that way). Not even my friends (or what is left from them) know this. Or at least, not how things are really like, maybe some of them (read: one) knows a bit of it very superficially.

There is something going on that is holding me back or blocking me from certain things. Like, I have never really be in a real relationship, I have never really fell in love,  I do not have a desire for sexual things,  I have trouble to involve in physical things with people and I don’t like when people touch me. Maybe a few people are allowed to touch me to a certain level, but it is not something I feel comfortable with. But its not something you can exclude from ‘general life’, because it can look impolite, maybe even rude.  I don’t even like when people want to kiss me on the cheeks for my birthday. I rather avoid my birthday , just to avoid all ‘those’ things.

I must say that I have been in a “relationship” (as far as you can call it that) involving physical things, but as I look back on it it was more ‘because everyone did that and it seemed normal to do” and since things already went different somehow I just did it too because I didn’t want to stand out too much or attract attention. So, yes, I have had sex as well. I can not say I really enjoyed it, remember from a lot of times that it was trouble to me – it just hurted and I had trouble with it. Now I didn’t have too much sex in my life – I am probably far below averages and such, and now it’s probably about 10 years since I last had sex with someone (just 1 person).  I don’t know why I have/had so much trouble with it, but I have trouble with it. I just don’t seem to have this drive. I don’t feel this attraction, not towards anyone or anything. I can easily live without it, I guess.

Today reminded me of that. Something that should be ‘normal’  turned out pretty sucky today. There was an  invitationletter on my desk for months now. A reminder followed. Another reminder followed. I thought, okay, I should get this done now someday. I can not really explain why it took so long that I made the appointment , but it almost took me a year. It was an invitation for a pap- test, the screening test for cervical cancer. It didn’t seem to be a big deal, and I heard and read ‘you don’t feel anything of it’ and it’s done very quickly. Well, okay, I can manage that I guess, I thought, and I think I went there pretty openminded, like okay, this just has to get done. So I went. But when it happened…my goodness…I don’t want to make anyone afraid, and probably many people do not have problems with it, but me? Sheesh. Just before the medical assistant asked me if I was nervous, I said it wasn’t really too bad since everyone I know who had it done is still alive, so nothing to worry right? And all I read was that it was no big deal and such. Well, when they had to get that “thing’ in, that was really, really, REALLY not nice and it took a while before it was like it should be. It hurted and was really an unpleasant feeling. It’s hard to describe exactly but I think it almost didn’t work out. It was already not something I was fancy of doing – I mean, who likes to undress and get examined with things like that … but yeah, if it goes like that…I felt ashamed of myself, that it just went so difficult and that it did hurt and I had so much trouble to undergo it.(And in general, I am not touchy at all – well at least, not on the outside..) . I hope it worked out (because sometimes those tests seem to fail and in that case you have to get it done again – what I REALLY don’t hope). So I walked out of there, feeling ashamed a bit and thought ‘what do those people think of me now’.

As if that wasn’t enough, I almost passed out when I was in the pharmacy to ask something. It was so stupid and made me even feel more ashamed. I went there to check out on some stuff I use for my eyes but they have had so much trouble to order it somehow, and they said they would call me about it but it has been a month or longer and they didn’t call. So I went to ask if they knew anything about it. While I was there, I suddenly had this breakout of a sweat, I felt like I was going to pass out and I couldnt focus properly and my ears felt so weird, like I wasn’t perceiving the noises and things as I should. I never had that so bad (was it a panic attack??). There were like 5 other people around and all I could say to the pharmacist was ‘I don’t feel so well, I might pass out”…. the pharmacist said to me like ‘take it easy, but your arms on the desk and i’ll get you a glass of water. That helped somehow, but I felt even more ashamed when that happened. I didn’t know how quickly to leave that place. Out in the fresh air, things went okay again. I sat for 10 minutes in the car thinking sh*t sh*t sh*t what was that all about, what just happened? And so much shame. Why? I don’t know. I really don’t know. It just wasn’t a good start of the day at all. It was terrible. I still feel very ashamed.