(trying to ) find a little peace

I don’t know if anxiety and depression are attacking me right now, but I am afraid to lose my mind or go insane sometimes. I feel all these sensations in my body, I have a headache, feeling a bit dizzy, and usually that puts me in a state of emergency, without even being logical. Also, I haven’t had my period in like 2 months now (No, I can’t be pregnant) and I feel my body is a bit disturbed. I also feel like I’ve gained weight somehow, but I don’t really eat different or worse than before. Maybe I’m wrong, I can’t see it so clearly somehow. It bothers me and I would like to finally change all of this, yet that task seems so hard. And all I ever do is try. I would just like to have control over it, which I don’t seem to have. I guess maybe I would have to admit that I’m a big controlfreak, actually.

But I try to focus on positive things. So I will try to make a positive post again. Spring is coming, the weather becomes more pleasant. I’m going out of the house for walks again (even if they are small, they are still walks). I try to be in touch with people, yesterday I visited my best friend, we cooked a vegan lasagna (she started to eat vegan a while ago due several reasons, but health in the first place). It turned out really good, but right after I went home because¬† I was soo tired that I left early and went to sleep early with a massive headache.

I scored a few plants for my balcony: strawberries, a lavender tree, and I’m trying to grow carrots and beetroot. I like the quietness of my balcony and the life that is going on there: the birds, the trees, the blossoms starting to come out finally. The left is a tree with a lot of birdlife, it’s like a flat housing all types of birds. It’s nice too watch how life is going there. And the right are a few of my new strawberry plants. And a beautiful sky, though you can’t really see that well on the picture. I like evenings on my balcony – the sky is sometimes just so beautiful.


The Balcony life: duck world

For the first time in my life, I have (well, okay, it’s not mine…but I live there alone for as long as it lasts) a place to myself. A flat with a kitchen and living room, a bathroom, and two bedrooms. I don’t use the bed to sleep, since the mattress is causing me pain in the back as far as you could call the mattress a mattress.

I sleep on the floor in the other bedless bedroom on the remnants of a couch with printed strawberries and bananas on the back. I have a washing machine that goes on walks, that eats my socks and that once bombed me with a bottle of detergent that was in its way on one of those walks. But the best thing of the place, is my balcony.

It’s not a fancy one, but it’s quite large to me. I have a tree trunk as a seat, and two buckets with sand and my recently planted tomato plants. Sometimes I get a free petal-rain from flowers from the neighbor (or neighbors? I never see anyone) above. I can sit on the balcony when it rains, without getting wet. In the nights when I can’t sleep, I sit on the balcony watching the stars. The balcony is a perfect place to observe the world. I’m happy with the balcony, it adds so much to the place. My view from the balcony is on the river, a tiny waterfall and on duck-world. Duck-world is a small place where the river splits in two ways and where a group of ducks lives. Brown duck, White duck, and a few black&white or white&black ducks. I often observe them. They are funny creatures for sure. Though there is one thing that was noticeable for me somehow, I never hear them make sounds.

Sometimes when I get home they are in front of the building strolling around. Earlier when I was sitting on the balcony eating a sandwich and drinking some coffee when I looked down and noticed three of the ducks standing there.  I had some bread left (I got some huge bread, way too much for me alone) so I thought I should share, and so I threw some down. They ate it.

Since then, sometimes, I have ducks standing under my balcony when I’m sitting there.¬† I can see at the way they look at me when they would like to have some bread.They never speak. They just stand there and watch at me in a particular way. I nod, go inside, get some bread, and share it with them.