Behind the pine trees

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It’s an early morning, and I wake up around 6am. You’re still asleep. I watch you for a while, but since I know I move a lot, I get out of bed, because I don’t want to wake you up.

I walk through this little house, that we have for a week. I don’t know why it was so difficult to book, because it was the best thing to do.It’s probably the spending of money. The sun shines and I open the window. A nice scent of pine trees comes inside. I take a deep breathe, and breathe in again. How lovely – the sound of the wind, the scent of the pine trees, the sun, and we are together. What could I wish for more?

Behind these pine trees, is our little place. It’s not really ours, but for now it is. I dream, that we can have a place like this in real. How nice would that be. You and me, our own little house, the trees, the sun, the sky. The animals surrounding and visiting now and then. We have breakfast together and talk. We hug.

My thoughts go back to my dark years. Years I spend mostly alone, because the only thing that I thought people would bring was hurt. There was no one to trust but yourself. No one to rely on but yourself. No one to help you, but yourself. Life was about working hard to earn little money to be able to rent a room and finish this study, who seemed to give you a bright future (that never came).

Now, my dark years seem to be mostly a part of the past (I hope). I realize that not this money or this bright future (that is not there) nor this job isn’t what I was looking for. It’s not what I need.

The lonely person, the distant person, me. Yeah, I need people around me. People who make me feel good. Who I love. Who care. Who I can talk with. With who I can sit on the couch for hours and not saying a world, and still feel good.

I found one. And that one is you, person-I-love-very-much.  And I’m sad, because we’re away from each other. I’m sad, because our worlds are so far. I’m sad, because I don’t seem to have the guts to break lose from the prison I seem to be in now.

For what? For this job? That makes me exhausted but gives me opportunities to save. But it’s just temporary. Do I love this job so much it’s more important then you? That it’s more important to be with you? SHould I leave my job and go now? Should I wait? Should I work for a bit longer and then leave? How can you know what to do?

How do people make these choices in life? They seem so impossible. So impossible.

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no time to think

The last few days have been very busy. I’ve been functioning as a kind of callcenter I guess, I never spend so much time making and answering phonecalls. The situation with my grandma is still not safe or well. She had couple of blood transfusions and other injections and more. Since the hospital system works there in a certain way, there is 24 hours a day someone with her, to make sure she gets food or can go to the bathroom. (In this country where I am now the nurses help you with these things, in her country, in a ‘affordable’ hospital, they appareantly don’t – which is sad)

I’m the only one of the family who stayed behind and isn’t there. It makes me feel guilty and weird to have stayed behind, but yet I’m in a very difficult position. A life never can go above work, that is for sure though. But the most important people are surrounding my grandma, and someone had to take care of things here too, which I do now. I truly hope this hospital bacteria is gone and my grandma can recover from everything, but I don’t dare to think of anything since it goes so up and down and her health is so poor. All I can do is hope for the best.

Tomorrow I start my new job – I have to attend 2 weeks of training first. If things turn out that I have to go to the country of my grandma as well, I will lose my job. I truly hope my grandma will recover, because the choice is difficult otherwise. Not to see her anymore and not say farewell or lose the job, and be broke soon and the government could see it as another extra reason to not help me and give benefits – because it is ‘my fault’ that I didn’t start the job. I would have so much more trouble to find a way to be able to live, it’s already hard now.

Seriously, Monsterworld this is- these choices are not fair. But everything is based on financial things and not on really helping people. Everything feels like punishment to me. I dont get this world, I dont want to understand this world. I feel rejected by “my own country” if you can ever speak of your own country.

All I have to do is find a way ‘out’.

Follow your heart, follow your brain? Impossible choices, or not?

Do I follow my heart? Do I follow my brain? Can I follow both? Is that even possible? It doesn’t seem possible somehow, or well, maybe it could be but a part is not under my influence.

My hearts want to book a flight right now, and go to i-love-very-much-far-away-friend.

My head wants to find a temporary job (which is a bit out of my control, since I just have a very small influence on it – and the applications I did lately, turned out to nothing – 95% didn’t even respond at all), and earn money and save,and be able to use it when I move to i-love-very-much-far-away-friend.

Then there’s this other small part of my head that thinks: Try to get benefits again, but, IF they will accept me for it, which is not certain at all, they will probably take away my freedom and won’t allow me to go to i-love-very-much-far-away-friend. in december, they will force me to all kinds of things and I will have no choice but do what they want – I will be a prisoner of the system.

Heart thinks: ### the rest of the world, #### money,  I want to be together and I don’t care about the rest , because she makes me happy. Because I want to be with her. Because after all these years of misery, I finally met happiness and beauty again.

Do I follow my brain? Put a lot of effort in finding a job and save money and try to be patient?Try again to go for benefits with the risks of having to cancel my flight in december and be the puppet on string and big chances of depression and unhappiness again of what they will ask and require from me?

Even if it maybe seems easy, these things are not easy. What can I choose?? There are everywhere pros and cons, and there isnt one ‘best thing’ I guess. How can you ever make choices in these things?

Am I blind? Do I miss options? Do I ask or expect too much of life?
Am I worried, about nothing? I don’t know. Again so many questions, without answers, without directions. Oh-I-don’t-know-what-to-do.

Lost dreams and some kind of sorrow

Aside

My thoughts are kind of spinning in my head so I’m probably not making a very coherent story now.. I can not seem to find the right words I would like to write, but I guess it’s better to let out something that is not perfect or exactly how I wish it would be instead of making my head more spin.
Sometimes, on -melancholic days, my mind wanders around in a world without a map. Often I get lost in that world. It’s something that happens regularly, what makes things hard on one side, but on the other side, is necessary to be/ stay alive somehow.
Sometimes that just happens without any particular occasion, sometimes it’s caused by something that was on the news or happened or is going on in the world. Sometimes a lot of things that are happening / going on in the world bother me. Not only really very specific matters (well of course some specific matters too), but a lot of things. Though lately, it seems like my brain kind of decided to ‘shut down’ somehow and it also prevents me from being able to express or bring into words what is going through my mind.
Sometimes hearing or reading or seeing something can make my head spin like crazy and make me doubt about just everything. What I try to do is try to look at things at different perspectives and try to understand and try to search “the truth” (realize that is a hard thing) and what happens is that many questions appear about just everything.
Sometimes that gets so intensive (or ‘badly”) I feel like I’m going to drive insane because of it and there’s a tornado inside my head. Sometimes something happens inside that brain, that prevents me from even making the most simple decisions.
Like…can’t decide what kind of clothes to wear because nothing seems right (and I know it doesn’t really matter that bad but yet it does),can not seem to decide if I walk left or right when I leave the door, get overwhelmed standing in the grocery store buying food….
Even if I’ve made a list before going to the grocery store, at a moment like that, it doesn’t help at all. I step into the store, telling myself to keep calm and that things will work out and that all I need to do is just buy some food. But then I am in the store, I see thousands of possibilities what makes making a choice impossible, or prices aren’t right or something is sold out or whatever, but when that happens I always end up feeling pretty miserable. Sometimes I find myself just standing in a grocery store and wondering and observing people how they behave, how they act, and how they seem to make their choices. Honestly, I’m not sure why I do that. Because it never really helped me out of it. But well, we all have our ‘crazy things’ I guess.
Sometimes certain things I see or read make me think. Think about many aspects of life. Sometimes about dreams, forgotten dreams, dreams coming true, lost hope. Things like that. Dreams people have in their lives. Achieving and fulfillment. Searching for ways to work on dreams. Giving up. Hope. Not giving up…..
Sometimes it looks like dreams in my life never existed. Not sure if I ever had them. Sometimes some kind of questioning starts, okay, sometimes there are things that I seem to want or seem to like, but are they so important and motivating me I keep on going? No. Are they so important that they are in front of other things? No. Are they giving me energy to keep going? No.
Honestly, I’ve been never so apathetic like I am now. And I have no clue how to get out of it. No job, no income, not really a serious way to spend the days…. I do not do so much in and around the house. (And, I do not live on my own and am the only one not working here). I do feel guilty about all those things. I used to work hard and just go on and on and on. There was a time I worked 3 jobs. Started at 4.30 am and ended the day at 11 pm. All these years, trying to graduate, work and work and work and never called in sick (except for the time I could barely breathe, was send home and ended up in the hospital). I used to be a hard worker. I used not to care much about the job, a job was a job, even how boring it was. But not things changed. I can not. I just can not.
And I have no idea how to get out. Meh.