Sometimes there is no fix

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All you see is a drowned leaf in the water; it’s shallow, and clear, but there’s no way you could – or could have-¬† rescued.

There is no fix, for certain things.

Right now, I’m not having the best time of my life. I always have these periods, and I will always have them. I don’t believe they will ever dissapear. Because the not sleeping aka insomnia continued, and I really felt like I would break down, I went to the doctor. I have a new one, since I moved, and he’s a bit weird in some ways I guess, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with him. He prescribed me some sleeping pills – which is actually what I came for. Last night was the first night I slept again, not enough, but at least I slept.

I remember a part of the conversation. Of course he asked why I couldn’t sleep.

Stress. Stuff. Life. Work. All the usual things, I guess. And, life is just difficult for me. I find life difficult, and it might probably always stay that way.

What he could do for me? I said that I knew he can’t fix my problems. That I know no one can fix my problems, and that some things can’t be fixed. All I wanted was sleep, and so I needed medication now, and he is the key to that.

Because usually I can manage to fix – or control – things in my life.

But sometimes I can’t. And this was now.

I’m not feeling better, I’m feeling low. Just low, not even depressed. But all that I know is that some things, can not be fixed. Not now, not in the past, not in the future.

 

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It’s all or nothing.

It really seems like life is that way sometimes; or no job at all, or more work than you wish for. No job, nothing to find, no money, stuck – you have nothing, nothing happens, nothing is the main word. A job? Then it’s all. not parttime, no, fulltime. You have to run around like crazy, be there, take all, you have work, you have everything, you have money to get by.

There’s no break. No in between. No middle. You can’t work half. Live half. Get by half.
It’s all, or nothing.

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Work has been incredible exhausting. Well, it still is. 48,5 hours this week. I’m tired. One day off now. Then another very busy week is coming up with long, exhausting days. It takes time for my head to stop thinking and processing information. This job is taking a lot from me (and I guess from my colleagues too). I don’t know how everyone keeps¬† standing, and going, but I really have a hard time .

Every weekend so far, one of the days I spend lying down and sleeping, because I was completely wrecked. Too tired. The second day it goes okay, and then the circus starts again. This week , now, I just have one day ‘weekend’. I woke up in the middle of the night (yikes, did I send that email, did I do that or not?). I had to drag myself. Work was like glue – being sticked to the carpet and trying to move. Sticky sticky sticky.

But: moving forward. Go Go Go.

I don’t know if it’s me being weak, but I have such a hard time to hang on to this. I dont get it how people can do ‘fun things’ next to a job like this. I dont feel like talking to anyone anymore, or doing anything or going anywhere – I’m simply too tired and all I think of is rest and sleep.

Is this the aftermath of the pulmonary embolism? Is this just ‘getting older’? Or am I just weak? Who shall say. All I know is that I can not manage to live a life like this for a long time.

I just can’t hold on to that.

And how

And so

many

questions

 

And I realize, in other parts of the world, there are people, for who 48 hours a week is nothing. Who work harder. Who live crappier. And I’m being weak and moaning about my situation. Its all about perspective. It’s all about feeling trapped and deciding.

AM I trapped? No.

Yes, at the same time.

The world is full of paradoxes.
The world is full of invisible prisons.

And yet, full of chances and choices.

My head’s spinning again, and I can’t make sense of it. Tornado alarm. But the good thing is: that means frozen. Willstayintheposition and notmakingchoices.

Ugh.

None of it, is true

And I can’t

find the door that should open

a new door to

a road I should

walk and

 

I tried to search the answers,

scanned the libraries through and through

but I didn’t find the masterpiece

and I forgot a whole new you

 

because I’m the old me

and my eyes never adapted

to the new lights and the contrasts

because I couldn’t

I couldn’t be.

 

 

Free, but trapped.

(Or should I say trapped, but free?)

Yesterday, I had a short conversation about this with someone. It’s something that I find very difficult and maybe what I’m going to write now isn’t making any sense at all. There’s one sentence that struck me in particular:

“you know, you keep saying you’re stuck, and I know that’s how you feel. But somehow you are more free than anyone I know”

I seem to be free. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a house, I don’t have a family, I have nothing much that ‘restricts’ me in a certain way: if I don’t get up, things will not fall apart, I will not be missed very badly, nor will much people even notice.

So, I seem to be free. I seem to be free, but I can’t seem to use it, I can’t seem to feel it, I can’t seem to see it. I don’t.

Because a lot of days, are full of emptiness. Are full of uselessness, of the lack of purpose. There is nothing much that keeps me going really, there is nothing that waits for me, nothing that needs me. The world is a place where there isn’t just space for everyone; literally maybe yes, but not in the world of jobs, income, and with this, the right to live, because this is how i see it – to not have these things, with the current system of how the world works, affect this – the right to live , because the way I see it it’s that it’s so difficult and hard to live in these circumstances, that I don’t want to call that a life.

And yet this whole thing is something you can see in many perspectives. A lot of people do not think my life is so bad – “but at least you don’t have a family” , “at least you have a bed to sleep in” or “at least you have food”.

So if you are alone, (which is already more difficult, because you have less support and everything is more expensive and you have nothing to fall back on, because you will have to fix everything yourself), it’s not so bad? So if you have a family, to care for, that’s worse than rot away when you’re alone? THis is really making me angry sometimes, and I want to scream: BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE EACH OTHER. But I don’t. I keep silent.

At least you have a bed to sleep in – what the fuck does this bed change when you feel so down and there is no purpose? Want to have my bed? fine, take it, I’ll sleep on the floor, whatever.

At least you have food? Fuck this food, it keeps my physically alive, but then the rest? And all this food is full of added crap, chemicals, whatever. You want to have the food? Fine, take it.

*now-back-to-less-angry-mode*

There are these moments, like now, how I realize how messed up (my) life is. How stuck I am and can;t get out. How I do not see possibilities anymore, ways to try.

Why should anyone give me a job? Why should anyone see something in me?

What future do I have to look forward to? Why would anyone help me out?

Am I to blame? Do I try to less? I had years of therapy, I saw different psychologists, I tried medication, I tried to finish a study, I did, I always worked, but after I graduated things fell apart. Can someone please tell me why I keep failing, what I do wrong, what is wrong with me? Because I don’t understand it anymore.

I seem to have a lot of possibilities, of choices, of so called ‘freedom’.

Yet, I feel a lot of pressure and judging minds about my situation. Every step is a marathon. Trying to find a job? There’s so much pressure and stuff to ‘explain’. Benefits? They are going to control my life and I will die even more inside.

Something has to be wrong with me, because I dont even have benefits. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t work for so long now.Something has to be wrong with me, because I can’t live on my own and I live in family’s house. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t get life nor do I understand the system. Something has to be wrong, because I can’t live like this.

Freedom. I can’t do whatever whenever I want.

So called freedom.