If I could only find

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Sometimes the world is too tiring,
too exhausting, and asking too much from me,
and I can’t find a way out

And all that happens
That you question yourself more,
Blame yourself more, about not being able to

And no matter what you try
There is no solution, because things keep going to fast
And everyone is asking too much, but that seems how it should be.

Society, I don’t understand you anymore
Life, I can’t grasp you anymore
But yet I’m the one to blame
Because I can’t keep up

So if you could only tell me
Where I could go
Where I could just be
Maybe that’s the time that I could

find me.

Silent sun

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Outside, there is life. Outside, there is sun. The brightness and happiness, and where life happens.

Inside, there is me. Inside, there is darkness. A world of apathy, numbness and no energy.

A world where a smile hurts. A world where nothing seems to matter.

I pretend I see the sun, and just remain silent.

The clouds breathe for you (do they breathe for me?)

I listen. I just listen. It’s all silence, and all noise. But it’s the perfect tune to go on a travel in my head. The outside world is far behind the window: I only see the rain and listen.

Click: The Glitch Mob – The clouds breathe for you

The clouds breathe for you, it’s called. And I ask myself,
Do they breathe for me too?

Crossing intersections, calm and fear, rushed and peaceful
depression is near and maybe all the time
around the corner

oh life,
would you forgive?

 

The shadow that’s hanging over my “I try to keep things together life”

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The last few weeks I’ve been barely hanging in in some kind of way.  A limit is reached at work: yes, it’s really nice I got a pay rise (..Officially my contract ends beginning of April very likely it will be extended), but….I can’t do all the extra things they want me to, and they don’t listen to my signals that it’s (becoming) too much. They just add and add. They gave me more subjects to handle, big subjects, and pressure things. I get overwhelmed and stuck: my head blocks. There is too much information to keep updated on, and too less time. As well the computer systems I need don’t work properly often and sometimes make it impossible to do my job.  I feel tensed already when I drive to work. I go to work and come back, and just lie on my bed and hang around. It can’t go on that way.

Next to that, stuff in my family is driving me insane again. I’m  so so sick of it, I want to take my backpack and leave everything behind: my head is spinning, I DON”T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE. At the same time I’m angry at myself: WHY THE HELL AM I STILL HERE and not moved out?

The smallest things annoy me. It’s just killing me. I can not live like this. I can’t.

I can not even write down here what all these things are – it’s already so much to write this here. It looks like a short text, but it’s exhausting to write this. I’m done, so done.

Next to that, another cool thing, I’m sick. Physically.I’ve been sickish for a few weeks (sickness going around everywhere at work, so far I was pretty okay till last week when fever hit me).

I can’t tell you HOW tired I am. How full my head is. How my limits are reached.

the question is

how to get out of it and get space again in my limits.

I don’t believe in it anymore.

Happy clouds

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They were all ours, on this sunny day.

You and me, sitting on a terrace in the city center. It was one week and one day ago. I remember it perfectly. The day before I left. Inside I was sad because I know I would leave, and I didn’t want to. You were sitting on the opposite side. We were having lunch. The same dish. We would go to the museum after – the kind of museum I visited too often and made me impatient lately – I’m still sorry for that. I remember looking at you,- realizing how precious you are to me.

We walked in the park, and I remember how I wished it to be warmer so we could lie down in the grass. Like that time we did in Serbia when we were still the random friends, without knowing that we would really love each other deeply and be together more ‘seriously’. The grass, the sky, the sun, and how your head was on my leg and we just stared at the sky and talked and talked and just lay there, in the grass.

This was a difficult week for me. I tried to get distracted by work, but all where my mind went, was you. All I wanted was to be with you, instead of being here alone. That you would be there when I would come home from work and that I would cook for you. And we would go on a walk together next to the Garonne, on our secret path, or where ever we would be..

How I miss the most simple things the most. Just looking at you. Sitting next to you. Playing silly games with the Whalepillow. Going to the grocery store – watching a movie, walking outside in the sun…

How I realize how empty my life is without you. How dangerous that is, but I can’t help it. It’s dangerous to love someone deeply. It can be over in a second. It can be over, so unexpected. But I don’t want that to happen. You make the world so much more beautiful for me. And it’s also dangerous not to love. It’s both sides, like everything in life. But I can’t choose, because I just love you, it’s there and there is nothing I can do about that.

And every single day, I ask myself if I really had to take that plane. And go back to my job. Away from you again. Every single day.

Should I have said ‘fuck you work, I stay with my love’. Should I have let the plane go, to stay with my love. It’s terrible to have a distant love, and it’s beautiful at the same time. It could be worse, but it sometimes feels like hell to not be able to be together and not knowing when you can. I want to be with you, but I also want to be safe with you and be able to have our place, have the basic things, and not end up on the streets. I want that there is a future. For you, for me, for us.

Today, the clouds seem just like last week. We sitting on a terrace. But I’m sitting and typing on the computer, observing the sky from behind the window. You are probably at work, not being able to see the sky. But the sky is in the heart, and so it will be okay.

Our moon

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It’s our moon, I know, and I want it, it’s ours. Our moon.

Distant and close. Close and distant.

But we can’t touch it together, we can’t see it together.

not now, and I wish it would.

I wish it would be

now

together

for as long as it can.

 

it is our moon.