Facing facts


Last week, there was a lot of time to think. I had a hard time with work, since my jaw hurted pretty badly from my dental surgery. It still does, actually. Friday I really tried, but I had to call in sick during the afternoon. I just couldn’t stay there anymore.

Somehow I slept a lot during the week, 10 hours a day is nothing. I don’t know if that’s because of the tooth, of something else too. I feel that I tend to depression again, but I’m doing what I can.

Yet, I know I don’t do enough to stay healthy, active, strong. All I do is lie in bed, sit behind the computer, play Fable on my Xbox, read my new book about the Chernobyl disaster. I know I’m not moving enough, but somehow that is superhard to do, but I don’t get it.

I know I like exercise, I know I feel better, I know I’ll be in better shape, and what do I do? The complete opposite of what I should do! I noticed I gained weight and I feel heavy. I haven’t been to Jiu Jitsu training for 3 weeks now (there was a holidayweek, one evening I was too tired and late from work and last week I didn’t go because of my jaw/dental surgery). But Jiu Jitsu, is not enough. I need to extend my exercise.

  • I dont want to grow fat
  • I need to take care of my health
  • Its better to exercise more because I like to be active and I want to do things I need a good condition for
  • I would like to be in shape.

So WHY, am I not doing anything about that. Why?

Upcoming winter, I would like to go on ski holidays. I’ve been wanting this for over 10 years, yet I never went. I could never find anyone to go with me, and I was not brave enough to go by myself. This time I found someone. I will go with my love.

So I guess I should better go and take some lessons. I’m looking for them now. There are no mountains over here, so I will go to some indoor class. I guess I should do that. But I have no endurance, strenght or flexibility I guess – my body isn’t in shape at all. This is something I will have to do alone, since love is far away from me and I don’t know anyone else who would like to learn to ski or join me. So, something to work on. I know I can do it, but it’s a bit of a challenge.

I also wanted to follow French classes, to be able to speak in love’s country. To be able to have a change to find a job and work in that country, so we can live together one day. Yet all I did was listen and try some youtube videos. I looked for a course but it only starts in february, so I will have to wait before I sign up. This will be a challenge too, next to my job.

Oh about the job. My contract ends this week, but last week I learned that I will have an extention untill april 2016. That’s quite some time. I’m happy, but at the same time work will ask a lot from me, it will be busy, I will work fulltime (there’s not much chance to get less hours, you have to have a very good reason for it, like children or studying, and I don’t have this in their eyes).

I’m also pissed of with my job, because I wanted to go with Christmasholidays to my love. I asked off in August. It was somehow difficult to give an answer, so I asked if there was another option to go in November and work with Christmas holidays, but no reply. And now I got an answer, but all flights are :

  • superexpensive (3times normal price)
  • or with 3 stopovers so the travel takes up till 25 hours while just one flight of 1h30 minutes is enough to get there.

I didn’t book yet. I don’t know what to do. Money isnt everything, but I’m annoyed by this and I don’t want to have a 25h travel- too exhausting.

So far so good, that’s how my life is at the moment.

The last weekend of four wisdom teeth.

It was the last weekend I had four wisdom teeth. After this weekend, everything would change: I would have 3 wisdom teeth left. I didn’t really want to say goodbye to the unfortunate wisdom tooth; but according to different dentists, who had been mentioning it fa few times, it had to get out. To avoid futher trouble.

3 years ago the first one mentioned it. I didn’t do it. It’s my tooth, it belongs to me, and it doesn’t cause trouble. 2 years ago another one mentioned it. It was not the right time, since I would be leaving soon abroad, and it was not in a hurry, the dentist said. And then, the year later, the dentist mentioned it again and gave me a referral to the dental surgeon in the hospital. The letter was on my desk for months. The year coming to and end, health insurance will change again, probably not in a good way, so: it had to be done now.

I called the hospital, and I expected long waiting lists. But I was wrong, within two weeks it was my turn.In the morning I went to work; it would be better for distraction. I was not particularly worried though – I didn’t like it, but I knew it had to be done. I went to the hospital. I was a bit nervous. First they made X-rays, then I got anesthesia. Then it happened.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough anesthesia, so I got another injection during the treatment. It didn;t go easy – the tooth didn’t want to go out. My mouth is not to wide neither, so it was a bit hard to reach. That the tooth was turned a bit and stuck behind another tooth wasn’t helpful too. The surgeon tore and tore at my jaw and drilled and drilled.

Pieces of the tooth broke. He tore and tore and drilled again. Finally, after a lot of pushing, tearing and drilling, the tooth said bye.

I asked if I could keep my tooth – it’s still a part of me after all, even if it’s out.

Tooth & I went home, after picking up painkillers. For two days I could barely open my mouth. Eating and talking were difficult. I wasn’t particularly in pain, just opening my mouth was difficult. The only thing that hurts and is very annoying, is my jaw. It’s a miracle my jaw didn’t break. But all that tearing didn’t do any good. Half of my head hurts and doesn’t feel so nice. My whole left jaw is irritating. I also feel very tired – I don’t know why, but I want to sleep all day and night.

The tooth? Is lying next to me on my desk. It stares at me. I stare at the tooth.

We both have questions, but no answers.

Distant sun.


There it is. The sun. It’s morning, I woke up an hour ago, had breakfast and made a persimmon smoothie. Almost a miracle, because I prefer to stay in bed and sleep.

The world is beautiful and ugly at the same time.

I want to go out and never go out at the same time.

I see the sun, it looks beautiful, but at the same time, it’s too distant, and I can’t get myself to enjoy it, or go out, and experience it.

Everything is full of contradictions.

I stare outside through the window. Slowly the world comes alive, even on a sunday. In the corner of my room, there’s my longboard. Unused, for quite a while. I still like it though. I don’t use it, because I’m not that good, and people here look. It’s not a reason,  yet it’s the perfect reason not do to it. Why is that so difficult, just to go out and ignore everything around and just enjoy?

Practice means getting better. Exercise means better in shape.

I’ve been gaining weight I think, since lately I haven’t moved much, though my wish was to exercise more, and have more move moments. I guess that failed.Something’s locking me up.

I should go out. I.



How others decide (my direction)

This morning I was lying in bed. Last night I slept late, because I was reading a book and I couldn’t stop. During the night I woke up a couple of times. This morning I woke up and stayed in bed, letting thoughts fly around in my head.

It’s nice in bed somehow. But at the same time it’s dangerous, because I sense depression lurking around the corner. Lately my life has been stabilized in some ways, yet I feel something that ‘doesn’t make it right’.

After a long time of unemployment and sitting depressed at home, I’ve been lucky to find a job and get hired begin this year. I’m working there for 8 months now (though things are still unsure: my contract ends in 2 weeks and officially I have no guarantuee I continue after that). It’s always 3 or 4 month contracts, and after a maximum of 3 years, I have to leave (because there is no way to get a steady contract – it just doesn’t happen, not to anyone.). So I don’t want to make myself any illusions. I know I have to work towards something else to make another step.(but, which one?) But I don’t make the step myself. I kind of let others decide things for me. That’s one of my problems, I guess.

This morning I realized that because of something else. Of course I knew, but something inside me triggered and things became clear. Earlier this year I went to a survival trip abroad. Someone else I picked up along the way, forgot her hiking shoes in my car. I still have them. I tried several times to see if there was a way to get them back, but she isn’t someone who responds clearly. Now she is around, and needs them soon.

As I said, this person is not very clear in contacts, when you write to ask when or where, she doesn’t answer anymore, and if she does, everything is very last minute. I’ve wrote to check to see if I can hand them over today, or she can pick them up somehow , but I notice I adapt myself , like most of the times. I let others decide direction. Decide how my day looks like. Decide when or how I will act. This time, I will not do that – though it almost happened. Now the moment of me being able to drop them off is over, so now she will have to come get them herself. I will not constantly ask anymore; if she wants them, she has to make sure to be in touch and respond and figure a way out to get them herself.

But still- that I always first try to plan my things around others –

Something about that isn’t right. It happens too much.

But that’s because I can’t really decide myself, because nothing matters that much somehow to make a clear decision myself. I don’t have a very clear goal, purpose, thing I want to. That’s the problem.

I need (want) to do something about that, but I have no idea where to start and what to do.

and so it goes

Several times I wanted to write something, but somehow it didn’t feel right. The words would not come out , not the right words, not the things I wanted to say.

Still, I can’t find them.

My feelings are messed up. My thoughts are messed up.

Life has just kept moving on. Five days a week I drive to work, work, drive home. THe evenings pass, usually with nothing special. The weekends are not so exciting either; I go grocery shopping. I shower,I clean, I hang around. And so it goes.

I can’t say I’m happy, but I can’t say I’m unhappy neither. But I’m not complete. A part that is incomplete, is that my love is not here/I’m not there. A part of that is I guess that I feel my freedom is captured. My job’s not so bad, but today, for the first time, I really felt that I can or should not stay in it. For a while it’s okay. I get by. I get along with my colleagues. Yet there are slowly changes coming that I feel are somehow not right. I can’t exactly say why – I guess this is ‘feeling’.

The world is a bit numb again, in some ways.

Yet I’m still trying to work on things. I guess. I finally made an appointment at the hospital, to get a wisdom tooth removed. I’m not looking forward to it, but it has to be done.

I asked off to go see my love in November, but there is nothing approved yet; having time off seems difficult. So I still don’t know and still can’t book a flight.

I’m trying to learn French, with some audio clips that I downloaded from language videos and play them in the car during travels to work.

I tried to put more (physical) activities in my life, but it didn’t work out so well yet.

I try to do activities in ‘real life’, like visit other people sometimes; I went to an activity with my colleagues and I visit my friend nearby almost every week.

I guess I’m doing okay. But it doesn’t really feel okay im some way(s).


The gas station tears


It’s not from the rain, nor from the grey sky

It’s not from the clouds, and I can’t really say I get it – but why?

I’m parked at a gas station looking outside

Where the world plays the movie and I keep quiet and hide.


Sometimes everything is moving, but you’re the one standing still

Every day seems exactly the same

Like the clouds are on repeat and

There is a fire but there is no flame.


There are no answers to be found; the lights keep blinking in the distant world

And all I can promise myself

is that I can’t find it here.