Struggles turning into battles?

Right now, I find myself in a place where I don’t want to be.

I feel nauseaus in my stomach, my body feels stressed, my breath is not in my stomach but high almost in my throat. I feel shaky and bad.

What happened? Yeah, what happened.
This week I had to go to 4 hours of work a day. It seems that it is too much. It costs me a lot of energy and even if it’s just one hour a day, it really seems to be too much.
Anyway.
Yesterday it went wrong, I had a lot of anxiety and stress reactions even before work started. I didn’t really do anything at work. I notice this in my breahting, trembling of my hand, and kind of panic or anxiety attacks. I know they make no sense, but they happen.

Today was a little bit better, but I did not do any work, and I left one hour earlier, I went back to 3 hours and that will be the case next week, unless it goes really well and I can make it to 4. Agreed on this in a talk with manager and someone who was my coach in the past yesterday.

I called the job agency to tell them this. Like inform. But the phonecall was not so nice. It made me feel so much worse. I just told them that I couldnt make it up to the schedule and 4 hours a day and that it seemed to much, so we went one hour down again. But then – I don’t recall it exactly, but the main points were –
-I had to realize that people do actually care about me and try to help me, and that they do what they can. I said I knew that, and yes I know that.
-I am unhappy, I said that agreed on that. It’s just true, I am not happy right now.
– I have to ask myself if I want to stay there for the last 2 months I’m supposed to. Because maybe it would be enough for my employer and they would want to end it. Yeah of course they want to get rid of someone who is disfunctioning and sick. But why say this? Is it a way of telling me they want to get rid of me now? They rather see me go than stay?
-they dont want me to drop out for 100%. We’re working to get myself better and ready for another job, not becoming worse. Yeah well……all of this is a bit mixed up now probably, but then

And then telling me not to worry and relax in the weekend. And we’ll see again next week.

But now, I feel so much worse.

  • Does this mean they want to get rid of me now, and that my recovery doesnt go fast enough?
  • Does this mean they think I am not doing my best?
  • Does this mean they want to get rid of me?
  • Does this mean they hope I will quit myself now
  • Does this mean ………like what?

I really don’t see it. I just know that my stress reactions in my body go up right now, and I feel really not nice.

Do I see things wrong?

I am doing my best not to feel worse, but I feel tensed, and my body is full of stress and not nice feelings in my stomach. I don’t want to eat, but I’m hungry. (all week, almost). I feel instable, like I can collapse sometimes. These I think are signs of stress and anxiety.

What am I supposed to do?

I just hope this was a bad week or a bad few days and it turns better next week, but really, I don’t know how to think, what to think or how to behave. I just wish I knew where to find something or someone that can help me. But I don’t , really.

I see the nurse again in 2 weeks. She told me if it doesn’t go it doesn’t go. Easy as that. And then I just call in sick. But that does not really fix things right. I have to improve at a certain point. I just don;’t know anymore right now.

All I know is that I don’t feel particularly good after this last phonecall.

Advertisements

(trying to ) find a little peace

I don’t know if anxiety and depression are attacking me right now, but I am afraid to lose my mind or go insane sometimes. I feel all these sensations in my body, I have a headache, feeling a bit dizzy, and usually that puts me in a state of emergency, without even being logical. Also, I haven’t had my period in like 2 months now (No, I can’t be pregnant) and I feel my body is a bit disturbed. I also feel like I’ve gained weight somehow, but I don’t really eat different or worse than before. Maybe I’m wrong, I can’t see it so clearly somehow. It bothers me and I would like to finally change all of this, yet that task seems so hard. And all I ever do is try. I would just like to have control over it, which I don’t seem to have. I guess maybe I would have to admit that I’m a big controlfreak, actually.

But I try to focus on positive things. So I will try to make a positive post again. Spring is coming, the weather becomes more pleasant. I’m going out of the house for walks again (even if they are small, they are still walks). I try to be in touch with people, yesterday I visited my best friend, we cooked a vegan lasagna (she started to eat vegan a while ago due several reasons, but health in the first place). It turned out really good, but right after I went home because¬† I was soo tired that I left early and went to sleep early with a massive headache.

I scored a few plants for my balcony: strawberries, a lavender tree, and I’m trying to grow carrots and beetroot. I like the quietness of my balcony and the life that is going on there: the birds, the trees, the blossoms starting to come out finally. The left is a tree with a lot of birdlife, it’s like a flat housing all types of birds. It’s nice too watch how life is going there. And the right are a few of my new strawberry plants. And a beautiful sky, though you can’t really see that well on the picture. I like evenings on my balcony – the sky is sometimes just so beautiful.

 

Sometimes there is no fix

img_0235

All you see is a drowned leaf in the water; it’s shallow, and clear, but there’s no way you could – or could have-¬† rescued.

There is no fix, for certain things.

Right now, I’m not having the best time of my life. I always have these periods, and I will always have them. I don’t believe they will ever dissapear. Because the not sleeping aka insomnia continued, and I really felt like I would break down, I went to the doctor. I have a new one, since I moved, and he’s a bit weird in some ways I guess, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with him. He prescribed me some sleeping pills – which is actually what I came for. Last night was the first night I slept again, not enough, but at least I slept.

I remember a part of the conversation. Of course he asked why I couldn’t sleep.

Stress. Stuff. Life. Work. All the usual things, I guess. And, life is just difficult for me. I find life difficult, and it might probably always stay that way.

What he could do for me? I said that I knew he can’t fix my problems. That I know no one can fix my problems, and that some things can’t be fixed. All I wanted was sleep, and so I needed medication now, and he is the key to that.

Because usually I can manage to fix – or control – things in my life.

But sometimes I can’t. And this was now.

I’m not feeling better, I’m feeling low. Just low, not even depressed. But all that I know is that some things, can not be fixed. Not now, not in the past, not in the future.

 

Going to move.

So. It seems like, I’m going to move. Like in, going to live on my own again.

Quite faster than expected I came aware of a small appartment. I heard. Within a few hours I saw it. Within a day I had to decide. And now the contract is almost ready. And the keys. And the moment to pay.

I’ll move into the city. The first two months alone. Then my love will come – something that gives me a peace of mind, because together things are easier and there is someone to stop my worries and feelings of super-insecurity. Or maybe it’s that I’m anxious. Could be. I am not sure of anything anymore.

I am worried. Worried if I can really afford this. It’s not cheap, but I should be able to afford it. It’s just a big risk, somehow. And – Can I really live in the city – a place where every inch or centimeter seems to count, and a lot of people want to be (how can there, be place for me?). I just want space, peace, a place where I can be….not the place where everyone wants to be or fight for. Will I not become a total recluse? Fall in to the gaps of loneliness and depression?

Yet I know it will be allright, I mean love will move in with me in just a few months. Together we will manage. She keeps me on track. Life is nicer with her around. Like really, it makes sense and I worry less. I’m motivated more. Alone, it doesn’t matter at all.

But a place where you live. It’s so important to me. A place where you can withdraw from the world, that’s really yours, and where you can be yourself. But what if you can’t get used to it, or it doesn’t feel right in the end? Because in the end it’s not really really yours. Does it matter, I ask myself? Does it really, really matter?

This move is the right one to make. I know it’s the right thing to do. Yet I don’t understand why it feels so … I don’t know. I can’t be happy yet. All I can think of is how difficult it is to lead a life, and try to lead a normal one. It’s heavy. No more, no less.

sadness wins, sometimes

IMG_1560

I walk, because I need to get better, because I need to get fit. Because I need to take care of myself.But I walk and instead of feeling better, I feel sadness, and apathy. I feel scared, anxiety, and nasty thoughts.
What if I’m sick and I’m going to die? What if I never get rid of this freaking dysthymia? What if I can’t live a normal life and can’t hold on to my job? So many what if’s, but I know it doesn’t matter and I don’t have answers and I shouldn’t ask myself these questions. I don’t even know why I ask these questions. But they are in my head.

The sun shines, but my feelings are numb.It’s beautiful, the sun, the nature, the emptiness of the landscape. That I try to take care of myself. But I don’t feel it. All I want is to crawl away and feel sad, because I am. I want to be with my love, to feel safe and welcome.

But my love is far, and I’m stuck in this crazy sadness and hell of a pressure at work. I’m stuck in this life of nothingness. No, I’m not stuck forever, but I’m stuck now, and I feel this intense sadness, that makes me doubt about everything and makes me scared of so much things.

I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to feel this way.

And yet, it’s all that happens.

Trouble to spend money

It’s another “I-have-trouble-to-spend-money-time”.These kind of periods appear more often in my life, but I still have trouble to deal with it. I don’t exactly know or understand where it exactly comes from. But even when I ‘need’ somehting, I have trouble to buy it or spend money on it. Except groceries like food, are going ‘okay’.

For my outdoor trip in two weeks, I need an insulating mat to sleep on. Now I have one, but, that’s a cheap ass thing that is too cold if not sleeping in a tent. I have a tent, but it’s not practical to take because it’s too big to carry on your back all day. (does this mean I need a new tent too?). We will sleep under tarps, but maybe a tent is more warm. Argh. Doubts and questions coming.

I’ve been researching on the web about sleeping mats, and learned about quality differences and types of mats.

Conclusion: to make things comfortable for myself, I need a new sleeping mat. And I should not buy a cheap ass mat, but spend a bit more money to buy a decent thing with good isolation. I don’t want to get sick of outdoor trips.

I’ve found a few things on the web. But somehow, I can’t buy it. I can’t get myself to buy this thing. I have some money. I still have a job now (but, maybe it ends in two weeks…). Is it that, why I have trouble to spend?

Rational, I know it doesnt really m atter, even if I will be out of work and out of income again, this will not mean the difference in the end. Yeah, its maybe 60 bucks, but those 60 bucks don’t make my life easier or more complicated; at some point I will run out of money anyway, and one day earlier or later, doesn’t really make a difference, does it?

Uh…did I really do that?

Last week, I did something ‘scary’. I applied for a training course abroad. I got accepted. *silence*. * doubts *. At this moment I still do not know, if my job will be extended. So far, there are 2,5 weeks to go and then it stops (or continues). But time is running fast. I didn’t do much to find another job. If my current job will be extended for me, will become clear in the next 2,5 weeks: lastminute. No certainties.

So, now I will have to take off the last day that I , as far as know now, officially, work. And go to this training course.¬† After that? good question. I have no idea how things will go. Admittted: I’m scared. I finally have this job and I finally earn money again.Somehow it’s a bit comforting to know you can get by. My job is nice, though demanding now, but the pay is decent (although others think not) and I get along.

I could, build a future on this job. I could rent my place with this job, if extended. I could manage, to live a life. A “normal, steady” life, as far as you can ever speak of that.

And yet I can’t, because of these uncertainties.

And now, I got accepted for this training course. A training course about pilgrimage and outdoor activities, personal development, learning and transformation. I don’t really know what to expect of it, but when I read the documents, it caught my eye, and it never left my thoughts. Anyway I will spend a week outdoors, sleeping outdoors, walking. (Can I do that? I should, but still, so many doubts)

As well to be part of a group, is challenging. Do I fit there? What if they are all pro’s , and I’m the rookie? What if, what if, so much more what ifs.
These are no reasons not to do it, I realize, and I got accepted and I applied for it myself. Fear, is a bad thing to listen to. Fear, is something you have to step towards to, and go straight through it, is the way I see it now.
So easy said, so difficult to do.

Anyway, time keeps passing, every second, every minute, every hour, no matter what I think or do. It passes. And so the days come closer.