Sometimes there is no fix

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All you see is a drowned leaf in the water; it’s shallow, and clear, but there’s no way you could – or could have-  rescued.

There is no fix, for certain things.

Right now, I’m not having the best time of my life. I always have these periods, and I will always have them. I don’t believe they will ever dissapear. Because the not sleeping aka insomnia continued, and I really felt like I would break down, I went to the doctor. I have a new one, since I moved, and he’s a bit weird in some ways I guess, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with him. He prescribed me some sleeping pills – which is actually what I came for. Last night was the first night I slept again, not enough, but at least I slept.

I remember a part of the conversation. Of course he asked why I couldn’t sleep.

Stress. Stuff. Life. Work. All the usual things, I guess. And, life is just difficult for me. I find life difficult, and it might probably always stay that way.

What he could do for me? I said that I knew he can’t fix my problems. That I know no one can fix my problems, and that some things can’t be fixed. All I wanted was sleep, and so I needed medication now, and he is the key to that.

Because usually I can manage to fix – or control – things in my life.

But sometimes I can’t. And this was now.

I’m not feeling better, I’m feeling low. Just low, not even depressed. But all that I know is that some things, can not be fixed. Not now, not in the past, not in the future.

 

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Going to move.

So. It seems like, I’m going to move. Like in, going to live on my own again.

Quite faster than expected I came aware of a small appartment. I heard. Within a few hours I saw it. Within a day I had to decide. And now the contract is almost ready. And the keys. And the moment to pay.

I’ll move into the city. The first two months alone. Then my love will come – something that gives me a peace of mind, because together things are easier and there is someone to stop my worries and feelings of super-insecurity. Or maybe it’s that I’m anxious. Could be. I am not sure of anything anymore.

I am worried. Worried if I can really afford this. It’s not cheap, but I should be able to afford it. It’s just a big risk, somehow. And – Can I really live in the city – a place where every inch or centimeter seems to count, and a lot of people want to be (how can there, be place for me?). I just want space, peace, a place where I can be….not the place where everyone wants to be or fight for. Will I not become a total recluse? Fall in to the gaps of loneliness and depression?

Yet I know it will be allright, I mean love will move in with me in just a few months. Together we will manage. She keeps me on track. Life is nicer with her around. Like really, it makes sense and I worry less. I’m motivated more. Alone, it doesn’t matter at all.

But a place where you live. It’s so important to me. A place where you can withdraw from the world, that’s really yours, and where you can be yourself. But what if you can’t get used to it, or it doesn’t feel right in the end? Because in the end it’s not really really yours. Does it matter, I ask myself? Does it really, really matter?

This move is the right one to make. I know it’s the right thing to do. Yet I don’t understand why it feels so … I don’t know. I can’t be happy yet. All I can think of is how difficult it is to lead a life, and try to lead a normal one. It’s heavy. No more, no less.

sadness wins, sometimes

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I walk, because I need to get better, because I need to get fit. Because I need to take care of myself.But I walk and instead of feeling better, I feel sadness, and apathy. I feel scared, anxiety, and nasty thoughts.
What if I’m sick and I’m going to die? What if I never get rid of this freaking dysthymia? What if I can’t live a normal life and can’t hold on to my job? So many what if’s, but I know it doesn’t matter and I don’t have answers and I shouldn’t ask myself these questions. I don’t even know why I ask these questions. But they are in my head.

The sun shines, but my feelings are numb.It’s beautiful, the sun, the nature, the emptiness of the landscape. That I try to take care of myself. But I don’t feel it. All I want is to crawl away and feel sad, because I am. I want to be with my love, to feel safe and welcome.

But my love is far, and I’m stuck in this crazy sadness and hell of a pressure at work. I’m stuck in this life of nothingness. No, I’m not stuck forever, but I’m stuck now, and I feel this intense sadness, that makes me doubt about everything and makes me scared of so much things.

I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to feel this way.

And yet, it’s all that happens.

Trouble to spend money

It’s another “I-have-trouble-to-spend-money-time”.These kind of periods appear more often in my life, but I still have trouble to deal with it. I don’t exactly know or understand where it exactly comes from. But even when I ‘need’ somehting, I have trouble to buy it or spend money on it. Except groceries like food, are going ‘okay’.

For my outdoor trip in two weeks, I need an insulating mat to sleep on. Now I have one, but, that’s a cheap ass thing that is too cold if not sleeping in a tent. I have a tent, but it’s not practical to take because it’s too big to carry on your back all day. (does this mean I need a new tent too?). We will sleep under tarps, but maybe a tent is more warm. Argh. Doubts and questions coming.

I’ve been researching on the web about sleeping mats, and learned about quality differences and types of mats.

Conclusion: to make things comfortable for myself, I need a new sleeping mat. And I should not buy a cheap ass mat, but spend a bit more money to buy a decent thing with good isolation. I don’t want to get sick of outdoor trips.

I’ve found a few things on the web. But somehow, I can’t buy it. I can’t get myself to buy this thing. I have some money. I still have a job now (but, maybe it ends in two weeks…). Is it that, why I have trouble to spend?

Rational, I know it doesnt really m atter, even if I will be out of work and out of income again, this will not mean the difference in the end. Yeah, its maybe 60 bucks, but those 60 bucks don’t make my life easier or more complicated; at some point I will run out of money anyway, and one day earlier or later, doesn’t really make a difference, does it?

Uh…did I really do that?

Last week, I did something ‘scary’. I applied for a training course abroad. I got accepted. *silence*. * doubts *. At this moment I still do not know, if my job will be extended. So far, there are 2,5 weeks to go and then it stops (or continues). But time is running fast. I didn’t do much to find another job. If my current job will be extended for me, will become clear in the next 2,5 weeks: lastminute. No certainties.

So, now I will have to take off the last day that I , as far as know now, officially, work. And go to this training course.  After that? good question. I have no idea how things will go. Admittted: I’m scared. I finally have this job and I finally earn money again.Somehow it’s a bit comforting to know you can get by. My job is nice, though demanding now, but the pay is decent (although others think not) and I get along.

I could, build a future on this job. I could rent my place with this job, if extended. I could manage, to live a life. A “normal, steady” life, as far as you can ever speak of that.

And yet I can’t, because of these uncertainties.

And now, I got accepted for this training course. A training course about pilgrimage and outdoor activities, personal development, learning and transformation. I don’t really know what to expect of it, but when I read the documents, it caught my eye, and it never left my thoughts. Anyway I will spend a week outdoors, sleeping outdoors, walking. (Can I do that? I should, but still, so many doubts)

As well to be part of a group, is challenging. Do I fit there? What if they are all pro’s , and I’m the rookie? What if, what if, so much more what ifs.
These are no reasons not to do it, I realize, and I got accepted and I applied for it myself. Fear, is a bad thing to listen to. Fear, is something you have to step towards to, and go straight through it, is the way I see it now.
So easy said, so difficult to do.

Anyway, time keeps passing, every second, every minute, every hour, no matter what I think or do. It passes. And so the days come closer.

Off|day

Today I guess, is an off day. I don’t know exactly why, but I don’t feel so good. Physical not so well neither – I feel weak somehow. I had to do a few small things outside of the house today (and it was freaking cold outside). Somehow the house where I am is one big fridge too – it’s never really warm here. With the heating system on, the temperature in my room is 15 degrees Celcius aka 59 degrees Fahrenheit. It’s not so pleasant somehow, but I know I should be lucky because it could be much worse.

Sometimes I’m sitting here with my hat on, and I have fingerless gloves I often wear because my hands often get (very) cold and then typing or doing something is not comfortable at all – it’s pretty uncomfortable sometimes because doing things is not easy.

I feel worried and sad and have such mixed feelings. I just stared at the computerscreen for a while, not sure what to do. I went to bed for a while, and I slept for some while. I read a bit. I saw some photographs of someone’s travel, and I feel sad I’m not travelling, because even if things are far from perfect and while travelling you can feel pretty lost too, it seems to be comforting or nice in some ways. I feel sad because I miss the person I love, but I don’t really feel things anymore – I’m kind of numb. I know I love her, and I know I would feel better when we would be together, but right now, I don’t feel it. I just know, but I do not feel. I don’t like this too much.

As well, I think my parents kind of want me to leave in the future. A few times they said some things to me, maybe they were hints, like that I should get my own place. Well, I guess that should be clear right? If I only knew where to go and how to act. It’s all so risky, with falling completely down, and who will pick me up or help me when it happens? This is frightening to me.

This weekend, I was planning to go to an expo for emigration, some kind of thing where lots of info should be, a lot of countries (its an international expo) and maybe future employers? I bought a ticket a while ago (cheaper than buying it there) and I bought a special, cheaper card for the public transport (it’s expensive, this card saves me more than half, which is a lot). And now I’m frightened somehow, to go there. It’s a long trip, it will take me 3,5 hours to get there (car would be not even 2 hours, but is more expensive, and with the current weather and how I feel (=not so great) that isn’t the greatest idea now I guess). So it would take at least a 7 hours travel there and back. I expect the trains to be crowded, it might be crowded there, I’m not such a good networker, but yeah. I don’t know exactly what’s going on. I just feel very uncomfortable, and rather hide under my sheets and stay in bed.

Just an offday.It’s just an offday.

progress.

How things were a bit sad in the beginning of the week, the ‘not serious job’ and all the stress surrounding it, things have cleared up a bit. I don’t know why these things bring so much stress, because rationally I know it doesn’t have to be like this. Yet, it’s so difficult to control these thoughs, these feelings, emotions, whatever they exactly are.

Yesterday late afternoon I got a phonecall, of a job agency for a serious job. I talked for a minute or 20 with the guy (wow, really, did I talk so much !) and the conversation was okay. I found the right words so far (not completely, but it went pretty well for me. He also thought I would suit the job and so he send me some papers I had to complete and tomorrow I have a real interview. I’m nervous though. It’s been ages since I had a real job (1,5 year ago) and this is a bit related to my study as well, so if I would get hired, this would be my first job in the field of my study (well, not really strongly, but it’s linked to the field)

Please keep your fingers crossed with me , that it will go well and I won’t get any panic attacks or any of that kind. If I get this job, even if its temporary, things will be better for a while for sure because I finally will have some income again, which I really need!