The hibernation

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All I want is sleep. All I feel is tired.

Again ,I have a hard time dealing with work. Working 8 hours a day is a no go, so I managed to reduce that to 6. But again, that seems too much. I’ve been feeling sick last week, but now I’m not sick enough to stay in sick, and not well enough to work.

After a few hours, and not even being superbusy, I’m broken. I come home, collapse on the couch and that’s where you’ll find me the rest of the time. (Thank you universe or whatever it is, for my love existing, being here and being with me: she makes sure I’ll get healthy food.)

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I know that I am tired and I can sleep all the time. I do not even feel particularly bad or something. I’m just tired, and I don’t know why.

I don’t think I feel very depressed (yeah, I am always a bit empty and neutral: dysthymia) but is that the reason? I really don’t know. Is it the weather? Is it winter coming? Somehow I can not see any patterns in the depressions I have, and I don’t think it’s more present that usual, because it definitely has been worse. I take extra vitamins, and I watch the food I eat, and my love takes care of that too. But still, not much change.

I’m awake, but too tired to do something really. No energy. Sometimes I sleep, but when I’m awake I’m not sleepy enough to sleep. And now, all I want is to be in hibernation-mode.

I called in sick last week, but I went to work today. And now I feel exhausted. I slept two hours after I came home, and all I do is lie on the couch or in bed. And I want to sleep again.

Sleep, sleep, sleep. Really, I wish the world allowed hibernation for humans too. I guess I need it now.

And I feel guilty, because I can’t keep up with work, not even with less hours. While I don’t have ‘a good reason that I can explain’.  It shouldn’t matter, but yeah. I’ll go to the doctor this week. But meh, I just don’t know.

 

ps. This drawing is re-used, from the time when I talked about my life as couch potato in cartoon version.I’ve been running out of inspiration and pictures, so I’ll re-use them until I find the spirit back to get some new ones.

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the invisible fight

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Sometimes you are just sad
and everything is too much
nothing can reach you anymore
because it’s simply too far
too distant.

 

You want to believe
And you want to feel
and find peace
but it’s too painful
it’s too tiring
and you’re just too exhausted

and sometimes it just
doesn’t matter
what you do
or what you try
too much is just
too much

It was ‘just’ too much.

Work has been incredibly busy and exhausting the last few weeks.

There were as well a lot of system failures this week on top of that. My days were long (9 hours or more) and I come close to a 50 hour working week. Now 40 hours I think is already pretty much and it can be difficult to deal with for me. I know it’s “normal” for a lot of people, for some even more hours. But seriously, I think it is a bit too much and I can’t understand how people deal with other things at the same time while working so much. I just don’t find the energy to do all those things (visiting friends, grocery shopping, cinema, sports, living on your own/cleaning your house and doing the necessary things). I find such a hard time to do everything I would like to or need to when I work this amount of hours. It leaves me at least one day totally numb and too tired to do things. And last week I just had one day off so that wasn’t helpful.

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But yesterday, it was really too much too handle. I already had trouble, I was very tired, and it just went on and on and on. I tried to push myself, just a few more hours, just one more day. But thursday I drove home, feeling so exhausted and shaky that it was not fun anymore. My head just stopped working. I came home, stepped in bed with my clothes on and went to sleep. To get up and dress and go to work again. I asked in the morning if it was possible to please be off a few hours earlier. I know it was superbusy, and I almost didn’t dare to ask, but I just had to. They didn’t give me off, but at the end of the day, when I had just 2 hours left, I knew I had to stop working. I couldn’t manage anymore. My head stopped working, and if I wouldn’t go home soon I would not be able to drive home myself anymore. So I went to tell that I had to stop working and had to go home. That was okay, but it still felt weak. Was I really the only one that dropped out? But I just couldn’t go on anymore. I need rest. Now I have a 2 days weekend off, but today I’m still kind of broken. I don’t function. I will just hang around feeling crappy the whole day.

Is this it? Is this how life is supposed to work? Is this what we are living for?

It’s all or nothing.

It really seems like life is that way sometimes; or no job at all, or more work than you wish for. No job, nothing to find, no money, stuck – you have nothing, nothing happens, nothing is the main word. A job? Then it’s all. not parttime, no, fulltime. You have to run around like crazy, be there, take all, you have work, you have everything, you have money to get by.

There’s no break. No in between. No middle. You can’t work half. Live half. Get by half.
It’s all, or nothing.

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Work has been incredible exhausting. Well, it still is. 48,5 hours this week. I’m tired. One day off now. Then another very busy week is coming up with long, exhausting days. It takes time for my head to stop thinking and processing information. This job is taking a lot from me (and I guess from my colleagues too). I don’t know how everyone keeps  standing, and going, but I really have a hard time .

Every weekend so far, one of the days I spend lying down and sleeping, because I was completely wrecked. Too tired. The second day it goes okay, and then the circus starts again. This week , now, I just have one day ‘weekend’. I woke up in the middle of the night (yikes, did I send that email, did I do that or not?). I had to drag myself. Work was like glue – being sticked to the carpet and trying to move. Sticky sticky sticky.

But: moving forward. Go Go Go.

I don’t know if it’s me being weak, but I have such a hard time to hang on to this. I dont get it how people can do ‘fun things’ next to a job like this. I dont feel like talking to anyone anymore, or doing anything or going anywhere – I’m simply too tired and all I think of is rest and sleep.

Is this the aftermath of the pulmonary embolism? Is this just ‘getting older’? Or am I just weak? Who shall say. All I know is that I can not manage to live a life like this for a long time.

I just can’t hold on to that.

And how

And so

many

questions

 

And I realize, in other parts of the world, there are people, for who 48 hours a week is nothing. Who work harder. Who live crappier. And I’m being weak and moaning about my situation. Its all about perspective. It’s all about feeling trapped and deciding.

AM I trapped? No.

Yes, at the same time.

The world is full of paradoxes.
The world is full of invisible prisons.

And yet, full of chances and choices.

My head’s spinning again, and I can’t make sense of it. Tornado alarm. But the good thing is: that means frozen. Willstayintheposition and notmakingchoices.

Ugh.

Short circuit

STUCK.

That’s the main word of today.

I’m stuck. I’m trapped. Can’t get out. The situation got more and more miserable if I think rationally. It takes too long. No peace, no space. No future.

Every day, I’m one day more jobless. One day more a failure.

The pressure to go away gets bigger and bigger. I need to get out of here, I need to get out of this house. How? With no income. How, with no future plans ahead? How, when you’re lost, can’t make it on your own, HOW, for sake?
But pressure means stress means weird things happening to me. I sense it in physical things too.

I miss abroad. I miss my free space. I miss the peace in my mind.

I miss my love. I miss feeling good. I miss having dreams.
I miss having a goal, something to fight for. What’s there to fight for?

(It seems there’s a lot,but I’m out of energy, I can’t do this alone. I can’t pick life up. I can’t. I’m too exhausted. I just can’t. A rechargable battery doesn’t last forever.).

 

 

Today, my heart lets me down

Invisible tears are streaming down my face

My head hangs down

Depression doesn’t know any grace,

My heart aches and I’m so tired

where I also have let myself down next to all of that

and my body decided to have my soul fired.

(and yeah, it worked.)

 

How can I hang on? How can I hold on.

I don’t want to be here like this, I can not be here like this.

I am a stranger to the people I know

The people I know are strangers to me

Connections are broken,

and broken are the connections.

I wish I could hide my heart away

it is empty, it is lost

and showing signs of decay.

 

Is it real?

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Okay, let’s face it; I’m not feeling so good. Probably this insomnia that is still going on isn’t helping either, I went to see a doctor to get some pills but – they don’t do anything, so I end up the same: not sleeping in the night.

I feel useless, lost, unsupported, and I feel like there is no place left to go and nothing left to do. There is no reason to get out of bed, and no one misses me anyway. Have I been living with an illusion? That these changes would help me out of the world of nothing and create something like a life? I guess so.

There is not really work to do and all I actually am is some new decoration in this place that sometimes moves. I can not find any connection in this place here, nor can I find my place at work, since there is nothing to do really (Why did they even ‘wanted’ me to come? I don’t get it.)  And often lately, there is not even a computer that I can use since the other employees (it’s always a surprise when they are here and when not, it’s not structured and regularly but lately they are all here regularly somehow), so I just sit outside alone and try to ‘ do something’, but since there isn’t something it ends up in nothing. I try to learn the language a bit and try to find something to do but it is not so easy. I also don’t feel comfortable somehow talking about this since I never can find the right time or space to do so. The times I tried got always disturbed somehow and I don’t feel that it’s taken seriously. How am I supposed to behave? What am I supposed to do? I don’t understand it.

Also I try to look back on these three months I am here now and what did I actually do or achieve? Nothing. I went to a couple of trainings, away from here, which were I guess the best. Unfortunately I can not go to them often since to some financial funding issue and I guess I was lucky I was able to go to a few. In this place isn’t so much to do and the transport functions the way that you can not really go somewhere in one day – the places you can, I’ve been so many times now I don’t know what to do there anymore.

I stopped running, since it is somehow to heavy and I feel ashamed of myself, that I have so much trouble with it. It doesn’t feel comfortable, I hate it when people notice me and watch me in some way. I want to be invisible. This week I managed to cycle again until now every day, but that is just one or two hours from a whole day- at least 22 hours of a day left to fill. Cycling isn’t easy either. These mountains and hills ask a mental strength I don’t have. That is what I noticed and learned; my body can do more than I think it can. The problem is in my head.

I’m having more and more trouble to face ‘ a new day’ . For what purpose? I suppose I could go back to the country where I used to live, but then again, what is there for me? And what can I offer there? Nothing. I will have no income when I go back and have to move in with my parents, since I can not afford anything myself, I will not have anything to do either. Also, I will lose my current temporary health insurance and food coverage and such which are covered by the program I am in. So somewhere it does not seem to be an option, to go back. But I need change, I guess. I have been thinking that maybe I should move to Sarajevo, since that is a more crowded place and much more things to do, and also much more transport options. Buttttt, how can I find work in Sarajevo and a place to live? How can I go there with staying in this current program without losing the health insurance and food and a place? I am afraid I can not. I feel trapped.

I feel so drained and exhausted. Really, I have been trying so hard to adapt to ‘ the world’ , to try to make new friends, to find connection, to find something to do. But I ended up overwhelmed and feeling depressed again. What the hell do I do wrong all the time?Am I really that useless? Am I really that fucked up? Is there really no place in the world for me where I can do something?  Is there really no place in the world where I can live, just have a roof above my head, can sleep and can pass time a bit nicely? Am I really such a loser?
What the hell is wrong with me and why can’t I find solutions or just things that make it better for once?