Pathetic Potato Chips

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It wasn’t even me who found them. I would not even have bought them, even if I’d knew about their existence. Or even if I would find them, by accident. To be honest with you: I had never heard of them before. It was my friend, who introduced them to me. The Monster Munch.

Actually they are just some ordinary potato chips. They do not even look like monsters, but more like the ghosts you find in pacman. These creatures seemed to be the favorite chips of my friend. So when I heard about them, and saw them in the store, I took a bag of them.

Driving home, they were just lying in the backseat of my car. Driving home with a bag of chips, how pathetic is that? The whole world seemed to ask too much from me, and here I was, part of it, with a bag of monster munch in the backseat.

Pathetic. It’s pathetic.What a crazy world sometimes.

 

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It’s not dark enough

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A brand new day. A sun shines, and it shines in every corner. There is no darkness. There is no place to run or hide, because the light reaches everything. No matter what I do, how deep I crawl, I can’t hide myself from this “outside” world. You can’t run and you can’t hide – keeps repeating in my head, even if it’s not a voice that speaks. I can see those words literally flash by in my mind.I see the words. They don’t leave me alone.

There are these days, that the light is so bright, that the world seems unbearable. That you just want to crawl away, into darkness, just because it gives you space to breathe. Breathe, and rest, that you can’t get in the light. And even your sunglasses do not help you at all. The light just comes through. No matter what you do, no matter how deep the cave is where you hide, you stay visible.

Sometimes all you want is stay in the darkness, let the world pass and crawl away, just to get some rest.

 

Sigarettes and the sparrow

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There’s sigarettes, a sparrow and me, and I don’t even smoke. It’s a rainy day and I stand on this busy busstation. Actually I don’t want to leave, but somehow “I have to”.

While the rain is pouring down, I drop my bag at a bench. The bench is not wet, but I refuse to sit down. Failure, is spinning in my head, failure. Everyone seems to be able to work something out, be good in something, and here I am – giant failure of the world.

I can’t do my job, I’m too slow, it’s too messy in my head. I’m good in researching, I know, but I can’t put limits. Somehow things need to be black and white to understand, but I know it’s impossible and I always find the exceptions. And I can’t deal with them.

It’s frustrating.

On social media, my eyes pick up signs. Of people who do better than me, of people who seem to fit better , for people who do meaningful things. Here I am, I think, trying to make things work, but failing all the time.

For the first time since my job started, I had a terrible day. Nothing worked out. I felt confused. I wasn’t able to function like I should. I felt that I should give up on the job: I can’t do it, it’s too complicated for me, was all I thought for a while.

I didn’t quit. I just drove home, and I guess I will start again tomorrow.

A brand new day. A brand new day for a nobody like me. Emptiness. Meaningless.
What’s the point?

a careless summer

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It was a summer, not so long ago, but almost far away in vague memories. A bright blue sky, the sun still on it’s way to the top. A light breeze made the trees dance – everything looked peaceful, as if nothing bad in the world existed. Little insects danced on the water, dragonflies seemed busy with something I didn’t understand. I watched the water fall down and listened to the sound, while I took sips of the cappucino I ordered. This place was extraordinary, though it didn’t look that way.  The terrace was empty – I was the only customer. I stared into the distance, where the town lay in the canyon. This place, was the place, where I felt careless just for the moment.

[Enter here]

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Sometimes, the world seemed full of emptiness. A world filled with nothing, of nothing. There was the known, the unknown, and the strange.

It was a feeling I had a long time ago. Or maybe it has been a feeling, a long time ago. I guess but I’m not sure, because I can’t remember properly. Sometimes it makes me doubt, if I ever felt it, really felt it. If I ever, really understood it. If I ever, really knew it.

I know feelings from books, from movies, from ways people describe them. I try to translate them in to my own life, my own perspectives, but all that ever happens, is that I imagine I know how it should be. I wonder, if I ever really know or feel. I guess truth is just a word that exists in the dictionary, but in real, it’s just the empty word.