The sick leave.

It has been quiet on my blog for a while now. I’ve been struggling at work for a while and no matter how much I’ve been wanting to write, nothing comes out. I type a few words, but then they don’t make sense, so I keep up starting to write, but I can never finish.

My head is, or maybe was, a mess and sometimes it is so difficult to make any sense of the storm that goes along inside my head. Maybe it’s like standing in the middle of a tornado, in the eye, you can see everything blowing and flying around you, but you can’t grasp or grab anything.

For a while now, things at work didn’t go so nicely. More and more experienced colleagues left (because of their contracts ended – not because of disfunctioning, but since most of ‘us’ are hired by a job agency and there’s this stupid law that creates the fact that after 3,5 years, we can not stay because of that. At that point they have to give a permanent contract which they don’t do, but at the same time the people who have to leave are replaced by newbies who are going to learn and do the exact same stuff.  And after 3,5 years you finally know how it works here, but the newbies (not their fault) create a lot of extra work for the oldies who are in the end of their contracts (because of inexperience , not their fault again, it’s how my employer works).

Next to that,  a certain chain of events and things happened which did not make it possible for me to do my job right. My work is planned for me from minute to minute, and is tracked and followed. Crazy I would say. I can’t always do what is needed, because of that, and that stings. You can ask for time, but I never got it. It’s so frustrating to have to ask for time to be able to finish a part of your job and not getting it for weeks and then getting questions and e-mails like “we would like the results’ – yeah, if that would only be possible! If I would only get some time.

Also a crazy action by someone high in the ministry caused a shitload of work. We were not informed in time, we had no clue how to help people, we didn’t have answers, and there were so much people calling because of that. This caused a big change in my work, because everything was removed from my schedule, and I was put on the phone to answer things (which I could not answer….) fully. And that went on for weeks, and it’s going to become months now. The conversations were really not the nicest and took long, and a lot of energy. I really have no problem with a few conversations that are negative or bad, but not the whole day long week in week out. Especially when you see things that people can’t do anything about, and the consequences are so big. I wish I could explain this better, because there is more,  but I lack the English (it’s just not good enough) to explain this and I also don’t want to risk that my employer might recognize me even if that chance is very low.

I’ve been trying to find solutions, like work shorter days, I’ve had several talks with the manager about this, but I could not escape my drop out. For a few weeks I had some panic attacs, breahting trouble, stress reactions and head-blocks and stuff like that that made it so hard to get through the days.  Once it became too much and I had to cry (in front of a few colleagues, darn!).

I don’t think my work takes me serious. It’s easy to shift this on my depression and the will do to my work right. I’m a bit of a perfectionist and I’ve been told I was too involved and concerned about my job. I just take things seriously and want to do it right, and I can not understand how you can not not be involved in the work you do. Apparantly, they don’t want from me to do my job right, they want me to do it fast and don’t care.

So now I’m home for a few weeks now.In three weeks I can see a special doctor who is allowed and can make decisions about sickness and work and how it continues, but I have to travel far for it and it makes me pissed of that I have to wait so long.

My pay continues, but much lower and much less hours than I usually work and I really don’t understand this. I get so less that it worries me a bit and I don’t know what to do – this kind of stuff freaks me out, I don’t get it and it’s hard to fight for something I dont understand what I should get. Maybe there is an additional pay frmo something else but all of that stuff is so complicated and difficult I’m already freaking out before having done anything. If you earn money they know where to find you when they want you to pay, but the other way, if you are out of things and struggling, there is no one or no government who says, do you need some help? They make it as difficult as possible, and that is just so wrong. I’m not doing this on purpose. And I tried everything I could to fix it first myself, but my employer doesnt seem to care.

 

 

I just moved into a new appartment (which is a big big plus compared to my old studio!) so that is positive. The new place is much more quiet, has a seperate sleeping room and a small balcony.

I’ve had a bad Bronchitis which gives me my second antibiotics round now. And I’ve been feeling superguilty to be at home and not work. The first week all I did was sleep. Now I try to go outside from time to time, but, nothing makes sense.

Next to that, my girlfriend  told me a few weeks ago she wants to move abroad again. now that’s no surprise, but it’s sooner than expected, and this made me doubt. Doubt about our relationship, about the future. If I would have known one month earlier, I wouldn’t have moved. I know that we would go abroad , but not now in a few months. So I might end up staying alone here in a more expensive appartment which I might struggle to pay, and I signed up for a year so I’m basically stuck till march next year. (Housing is crazy too – so hard to find something affordable, so I was glad we found something better).

And now?

I don’t know how to continue.

I don’t know how to fix work.

I don’t know what I want myself.

All I know is that my work makes me sick.

All I know is that I should not stay at this job.

All I know is that I will never be happy in this job

All I know is that my employer will not care

All I know is that I have to change, but I don’t know how.

I don’t know how what I really want.

I don’t know how to find a job that doesn’t eat me alive and where I fit and the job fits me.

I don’t know how how to continue things, to leave without no plan or nothing abroad or to live apart for a while from my girlfriend.

I don’t know how to fight or get benefits or the money I get I usually work without making me more sick and stuff

I don’t know if I should to back to work quicly or wait for the doctor in three weeks

There is a lot, of I don’t know.

And people say, follow your feelings. But what if you don’t understand them?

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The fire

sdc15330

Why do they even call it the fire, when it’s not something that is literally burning?
Is it about the light? The warmth? The flame?

For a little while, life was so simple. All I had to take care of, was to get through the day, to find water, and food, and a shelter. To make it to the next place, or just make it through the day, but it’s a different making through the day as it is here. It’s kind of hard to explain, I don’t know how I can explain it with words, because they never have the load or the real meaning they have when it’s reality.

What is the fire inside of you?

What is the fire inside of me?

Can you answer this question for yourself? Can I answer this question for me?

The weird thing is that sometimes you think you know, but you are never sure. Or maybe you just assume. Or it changes, from time to time. I don’t know, I guess sometimes it’s just rather confusing.

Fire. What’s your fire? What’s my fire.

Is it the fire that keeps you moving?
Is it the fire that keeps you warm?
Or is it the fire that melts your heart?

Trying to get used to my soon new ‘home’

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I’m sitting on the ground in my soon to become house. I stare outside out of one of my windows. Can I get used to this place? Will this feel like my own place? But I don’t know.

Others seem to be more excited and happy about it. I know this is not ‘the place’. I don’t have an outside, I live in the city.

In my heart, I know that this is not where I want to live ‘forever’. Yet I move here.

Because sometimes you have to step in between, if the jump is too big.

Well, I don’t know. It’s just weird. I don’t know why I find moving so weird. But going into a new place, dropping in just like that, is just weird to me.

 

The storm is not over yet

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I feel the storm is not over yet. I think something might happen. Like something, as in an upcoming death. I don’t know exactly how or why or when, but I think my grandma is dying. Well, of course we’re all dying in the end, but maybe this will come like in soon.

She has been sick of a while (cancer in the throat) and she always talks about death (for over years), but somehow things seem to change.  I can’t exactly say how, but it’s different. She is maybe preparing to die, I don’t know. Sometimes people they know they are going to die somehow. I do not know, its just what I heard.

She asked about her insurance (which is way too low, a bit late to ask about but she never cared before) and about stuff (who wants to have this and that) and came this afternoon walking by (while my parents visited this morning). I don’t know. There’s something.

Maybe I am completely wrong, and maybe it’s weird and not nice to write about, but I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t talk about it to anyone, and it is bothering me. Because I have no idea how to deal with it, how to feel or what to do.

Because the worst thing is that I do not know if I really care. This sounds hard and rude, but the situation is really complicated. She wasn’t so nice to my parents. She made their life a bit like hell sometimes. It doesn’t seem that she ever accepted my dad , her son, or my mom. My dad was hit and told he couldn’t do anything right. My grandparents (grandfather is dead for some time) forbid him a lot. He didn’t want to see them again after he married my mom, but in my mom’s culture it’s not possible to ‘abandon your family’.Anyway, my moms from abroad and they dont seem to like abroad people. You know I could write about it for ages, of everything that happened but I don’t want to. Please just believe me that its complicated.

Now my parents will go to the family abroad soon. There’s not much people left here. Just me. Just one of my sisters. I have an aunt, her daughter, but complicated too: she never asks them, they don’t ask anything back. They just live beside and distant. Thats how it always went.

And I can’t help myself the questions:
WHat if something happens now?
What if she dies when my parents just left or want to leave?
She will stirr all the plans again.
She feels sorry about the things in the past I think, because of certain things she says sometimes. But she never said sorry, or admitted. She will talk like “look how nice and good I am”, but in the meantime, truth is different.And now she’s old and no one’s there.
And now she feels sorry. And is afraid to die. Her own relatives, a few alive, they are not in touch, because they dislike each other (well actually, it’s more like hate).

Anyway, I just keep wondering what is the truth.

And I know I will never really know.

And I know I will never know how to deal with this.

I feel her fear. I feel pain. I feel so much things, but they are not mine. And still they are strong. I feel anger. I feel the things that went wrong. I feel the things that happened and were not nice. I feel that she always wanted to hide them. I feel the past.

And I will never know.

I will always wonder how

And always wonder how to deal with this.

 

it’s all that i am

sadbear

 

The first thing you can’t miss is the darkness, or the void.
It’s like having two faces, or a faceless face.
A nothing becomes a huge void, and it grows so large that you can’t see the edges, no matter how long you stare. You can not really look for it either. You can only sense it.

There is nothing left to say, because this is all that I am. And everything that I am not.
Probably it doesn’t make sense if you don’t know the touch of it, but if you do, I do not even need to explain this. It’s harder to grasp than the darkness when the lights fall out. It’s harder to grasp because you can only know if you know.

And where the streets end into the wild, that is maybe where the peace comes back. Though the bitter truth is that you can’t escape it. Sometimes you want to fake it, because the pain becomes so strong that you can’t get rid of it. It’s a pain you can not fight.

you should have forgotten about me
I should have forgotten about you

but should is not the truth

and what keeps me on this line
and I hate it
and I appreciate it
maybe I love it, but I don’t know that now.

All I know is that it’s difficult. Like really difficult.

 

Going to move.

So. It seems like, I’m going to move. Like in, going to live on my own again.

Quite faster than expected I came aware of a small appartment. I heard. Within a few hours I saw it. Within a day I had to decide. And now the contract is almost ready. And the keys. And the moment to pay.

I’ll move into the city. The first two months alone. Then my love will come – something that gives me a peace of mind, because together things are easier and there is someone to stop my worries and feelings of super-insecurity. Or maybe it’s that I’m anxious. Could be. I am not sure of anything anymore.

I am worried. Worried if I can really afford this. It’s not cheap, but I should be able to afford it. It’s just a big risk, somehow. And – Can I really live in the city – a place where every inch or centimeter seems to count, and a lot of people want to be (how can there, be place for me?). I just want space, peace, a place where I can be….not the place where everyone wants to be or fight for. Will I not become a total recluse? Fall in to the gaps of loneliness and depression?

Yet I know it will be allright, I mean love will move in with me in just a few months. Together we will manage. She keeps me on track. Life is nicer with her around. Like really, it makes sense and I worry less. I’m motivated more. Alone, it doesn’t matter at all.

But a place where you live. It’s so important to me. A place where you can withdraw from the world, that’s really yours, and where you can be yourself. But what if you can’t get used to it, or it doesn’t feel right in the end? Because in the end it’s not really really yours. Does it matter, I ask myself? Does it really, really matter?

This move is the right one to make. I know it’s the right thing to do. Yet I don’t understand why it feels so … I don’t know. I can’t be happy yet. All I can think of is how difficult it is to lead a life, and try to lead a normal one. It’s heavy. No more, no less.

There is the fence, and there is me.

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Can you see it? It’s very clear.
Left there’s the fence, and on the right there’s me.
The fence is shorter than me. But still, this fence is too high.

It’s a non existing fence, , because it only exists in the shadow.
But still I’m not able to cross it.