Right now, I find myself in a place where I don’t want to be.
I feel nauseaus in my stomach, my body feels stressed, my breath is not in my stomach but high almost in my throat. I feel shaky and bad.
What happened? Yeah, what happened.
This week I had to go to 4 hours of work a day. It seems that it is too much. It costs me a lot of energy and even if it’s just one hour a day, it really seems to be too much.
Yesterday it went wrong, I had a lot of anxiety and stress reactions even before work started. I didn’t really do anything at work. I notice this in my breahting, trembling of my hand, and kind of panic or anxiety attacks. I know they make no sense, but they happen.
Today was a little bit better, but I did not do any work, and I left one hour earlier, I went back to 3 hours and that will be the case next week, unless it goes really well and I can make it to 4. Agreed on this in a talk with manager and someone who was my coach in the past yesterday.
I called the job agency to tell them this. Like inform. But the phonecall was not so nice. It made me feel so much worse. I just told them that I couldnt make it up to the schedule and 4 hours a day and that it seemed to much, so we went one hour down again. But then – I don’t recall it exactly, but the main points were –
-I had to realize that people do actually care about me and try to help me, and that they do what they can. I said I knew that, and yes I know that.
-I am unhappy, I said that agreed on that. It’s just true, I am not happy right now.
– I have to ask myself if I want to stay there for the last 2 months I’m supposed to. Because maybe it would be enough for my employer and they would want to end it. Yeah of course they want to get rid of someone who is disfunctioning and sick. But why say this? Is it a way of telling me they want to get rid of me now? They rather see me go than stay?
-they dont want me to drop out for 100%. We’re working to get myself better and ready for another job, not becoming worse. Yeah well……all of this is a bit mixed up now probably, but then
And then telling me not to worry and relax in the weekend. And we’ll see again next week.
But now, I feel so much worse.
- Does this mean they want to get rid of me now, and that my recovery doesnt go fast enough?
- Does this mean they think I am not doing my best?
- Does this mean they want to get rid of me?
- Does this mean they hope I will quit myself now
- Does this mean ………like what?
I really don’t see it. I just know that my stress reactions in my body go up right now, and I feel really not nice.
Do I see things wrong?
I am doing my best not to feel worse, but I feel tensed, and my body is full of stress and not nice feelings in my stomach. I don’t want to eat, but I’m hungry. (all week, almost). I feel instable, like I can collapse sometimes. These I think are signs of stress and anxiety.
What am I supposed to do?
I just hope this was a bad week or a bad few days and it turns better next week, but really, I don’t know how to think, what to think or how to behave. I just wish I knew where to find something or someone that can help me. But I don’t , really.
I see the nurse again in 2 weeks. She told me if it doesn’t go it doesn’t go. Easy as that. And then I just call in sick. But that does not really fix things right. I have to improve at a certain point. I just don;’t know anymore right now.
All I know is that I don’t feel particularly good after this last phonecall.