I lost my heart because I found it.

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At the moment I made this photo, my heart was not there. I stood on the beach and cried.
I cried of being afraid, off all these miserable feelings, and because of missing my love.

My love just came to live with me. And I left soon after. Because I went to Sweden, where I went on a survival training.

I have a lot of trouble to ‘get back into the normal life’ again now. I can’t find my words, but I’m full of feelings and thoughts: I just can not express them.

But all I can say is: I love that life. I love survival. I know I can manage. I know I can do it. Even if my¬† mind thinks I can’t. I can.

I lost my heart, just because I found it.

Eating noodles

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On our couch
Staring through the window
Clear blue skies and the sun
Almost mesmerizing
Yet your sunshine, is not here.
So I go to sleep.

I get up, alone,your socks lying on the ground.
I take a shower, in an empty house, your sounds aren’t there.

I eat breakfast in silence and
Take the train to work.

When I come back It’s like the silent room,
I open the curtains, I sit on our couch for a while.
I warm up leftover noodles
Sit on the same couch

I am waiting, for you.

I don’t know.

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I’m not sure what is relevant and what is not. Or where to begin.
But I guess I feel hurt because I don’t know. And it’s frustrating me that I don’t know. But if this were easy, I would already have fixed it. But -again- I don’t know – where to begin, or how.

My love is here now. We live togehter. I am happy she is here. I am happy we are together.
But this month, we will not really be together: she is a few hours away till tuesday, on a course that’s part of her job. After she comes back, I will leave for 1,5 week to my survival course in Sweden. After that, we’ll be finally together. Together.

This weekend I’m off. She asked me to come. And what do I do? I still sit here, not moving.
Because work is cutting our hours, I don’t have much work or income. I have to be careful with money, but I still get by – there are just a lot of expenses somehow. She’s in a place I don’t really like because it’s superbusy and crowded (capitalcity). But I love her. And I enjoy being with her, just sitting next to each other is perfect for me.

And after our call yesterday I feel bad. It was not just about this. But it makes me think.

It has a point. I love her. Why am I not pushed to spend every hour, every minute I can to be with her? Why can’t I decide what I want, why is there this I don’t know? The I don’t know what to do?

Is it because I need my rest and preperation for next week? Is it because I don’t like the place too much? Is it because I feel a bit lost and depressed?

But I really don’t know. All I know is that I feel guilty. Guilty about this, towards her.

Really, sometimes I wish I was different.

 

The new place.

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So I moved. We moved. To the new place, in the city.

We don’t have a big place, but big enough for us, and we have everything we need. We have a couch. A couch on which you can even sleep if you unfold it. We have a table. Matrasses on the floor, that’s our bed. A kitchen , a bathroom. And even a place to wash our clothes.

No outside, unfortunately, but you can’t have everything. But we have windows. With an okay view. Not the most beautiful view on earth, but, it definitely could be worse. But the perfect view for thunderstorms. And so we had a thunderstorm. Sky on fire. Dark. Rain. Heavy rain.Thunder. Just perfect.