All you can do is go on, and that, exactly that, freaking hurts sometimes.
Once and maybe not even long ago
Not visible by day
At night only by who knows
They used to keep their heads up high
They used to fight the war that challenged them
They used to sell the truth for a lie.
Telling themselves that it was something to manage
Telling themselves that this was temporary
Not ignoring, but trying to calm the damage.
Roots filled with water
Outside of the shadow in the sun
but poison stays poison
where battle turned in to just begun
sometimes it does not really matter
if an end is a start
or a start an end
it’s where the unknown and the known
where meaning and the emptiness
are meant to blend
Lately, I’m really terrible at writing. I just can’t. I’ve been out of internet for a little while at home. That doesn’t help much either. But when I sit and try to touch my keyboard, nothing comes. In my head I feel the soup of words spinning, but they stay there like they are in a fishbowl, you can stare at them and see them, but they can’t get out. That’s how it is.
Fishbowl. I can’t even draw one, I know.
Life has been a bit empty somehow. I’m struggling with this emptiness, with this nothingness inside of me. Other people seem to experience this less – they don’t feel I’m empty, but for myself, I’m one big hollow fishbowl. You see right through it, because there is nothing. So there is nothing to understand.
I lost motivation at work (again, or maybe I didn’t lose it-maybe it never went away). I just go to work and do what is necessary. I pay my bills. But it’s as hollow as it sounds.
My grandmother passed away. I can’t even say I feel sad about that. The past and history with all of that, created this superweird situation. No one really misses her, and that is superweird. Yet its superweird how things developed (or didn’t) through the years and all the things that happened created scars that never heal. It’s weird to talk bad about the dead, but at the same time, dead people can still influence. Good and bad. It’s so complicated that I don’t know how to feel about it, and trying to explain tires me so much it blocks every single word that wants to come out. Death is weird to me anyway. Sometimes you see it coming, but when it happens, it’s so , weird. Enough about that.
Lately I’m less comfortable in my studio. I live in a building with few other studios. Some neighbours are really noisy and a bit messy and that irritates me. And I miss an outside space. A seperate room. I can not even really welcome people, my house is small and it’s just (except the bathroom) one long space. I can’t hang things on the wall because the wall is so bad it falls off immediatly and when you bump it it immediatly has a scratch or a little hole. I don’t need a big house, but one seperate room would be so great. When you step into my house, you see everything- kitchen, my couch& bed in one (just two mattrasses that I fold every day).
I stopped going to Jiu Jitsu. I felt broken for a while, not able to go. Yet my motivation is nowhere to be found. I know it’s good for me, but I don’t progress, I am not so happy and funny as the others and I just don’t blend in. That is how I feel, and I still didn’t go. I haven’t practised for months now. And I don’t know what to do with it, but still being a member and paying doesn’t make sense, does it?
Love flew back to her home country. That means I’m home alone now. I’m happy she went to see her friends and family and that she is off.
Now I’m sitting here in this house, not sure what to do. It’s weekend, but I just sit, stare, wonder. I don’t act. There is no motivation in me to do anything. I don’t want to cook, eat, move, go anywhere, read, just nothing.
All I can be is the empty fishbowl.
There is not really much to say about my life, nothing much happens. Maybe that’s the problem. Or maybe not.
This life just doesn’t make sense. I keep going to a job that makes me unhappy, and that provides just the necessary to live, but no future perspective.
What’s the point of going to work every day, coming home, being wrecked that the only things you manage is to cook, clean a bit and hang on the couch?
I look in the mirror. I see someone who is fat. I am not really fat fat, but fat enough to not be thin. Sometimes I see myself, and all I can think is, how could I be this way? Why can’t I manage to keep myself in a better condition? Why am I so fat? Look at yourself, look, there you see someone who does not have a good stamina. I look better when I’m more thin, my clothes fit nicer, etc. Yet why I keep failing to change my life?
I look around my house. It’s small, but has everything you need for a basic life.
I can’t be really positive about the future. I don’t really look forward to anything. I’m scared a bit, yeah, but I don’t let that be the reason not to do anything. Things just don’t make sense. I don’t feel a drive, a motivation, it’s just ‘doesn’t really matter, does it?”
My love is also a bit trapped. We can talk about it. That’s good. But it doesn’t change things.
Sometimes I dream of this life, in the mountains, away from this world, where speed and efficiency and money seem to rule. Where you need to be connected, all the time.
I just can’t – it drives me insane. It’s not me. What are we doing?
I really tried. Tried to be a part of this world – but I seem to fail. I’m useless, I can’t keep up with the pace and the things, I can’t do 100 times at the same time and work and buy a house and exercise and going out and doing all the things like groceries and fun things and enjoy and stuff. It’s too much, I just can’t. At my work, I don’t mean anything either. I’m just a number, and some part you can exchange without missing anything.
It just gets me from time to time.
And it’s just making me sad, like really sad sometimes, like now.
Like usual after work, I take the train home. Yesterday I was happy to be off a bit earlier since I didn’t feel so great, and I took the train home. Yet this trainride, which usually takes 20 minutes, took 2,5 hours almost.
I was in a train that hit a person. The person did not survive. I don’t know if it was suicide or an accident, but I know the railwaycrossing is a ‘closed’ one; with those bars. And they were down.
Suddenly the train started to brake – but against these things I guess you can’t stop in time. There was a hit, and a lot of other sounds. It was obvious we hit something; and
I saw things flying from under the train. Things like a black small wheel, a brown big thing which looked like some kind of pillow, lots of stones (from the railwaytrack), other iron bars and some more little parts (which were maybe parts of a human body- I’m not sure it went all so fast).
The train stopped. Moments of silence. The traindriver giving the message, with a trembled voice: we just hit a person. We’re going to see if we can give first aid.
But first aid with a hit like that, I guess the chance of survival isn’t much. All I could think of is that whoever was under the train, had no chance of survival. And that I later learned, was the truth.
After standing on the railway in the middle of nowhere for a long time, with a lot of firemen, police and other people who ‘clean it up’, we were escorted out of the train to a bus that came to pick us up. We had to walk along the track into the direction of the actual hit. I didn’t want to look- I didn’t want to see anything more than I already saw. I guess I was afraid to see things, I mean, it was still a real person, and his or her life just ended in one or two seconds, and I was a witness of that. I heard, I felt, and I know. That’s such a strange thing to know. Boom, a life away in a flash. Just gone, poof, just like that.
I feel sorry. Sorry for that person. Sorry for the relatives, friends, beloved ones. Sorry for the traindriver, who saw way more then I did. Sorry for the people who saw it.
It’s maybe cruel to say, but I did wonder before how it’s like when things like this happen. I never really wanted to found out, these are not the things you would like to witness.But now I know anyway. The way it goes, the sounds, the feelings. The sensations. I had cold chills on my back while walking to the bus.
I stayed home from work today, I called in sick. I just said I couldn’t work, that I was sick.
It’s true that I was sick yesterday evening and during the night, now I’m not really sick sick and I slept, the whole thing didn’t keep me from sleeping. I don’t seem to feel particularly bad or something. But I was just not capable of going to work this morning.
Now I feel guilty I stayed at home. I’m able to work – but, also knowing that I would have a difficult day and I might have come back sick today if I would have gone.
Now I took care of myself right before getting real sick; but it makes me feel guilty. And I know how that doesn’t make sense. I feel weak, like I’m a person with a weak immune system, with lower energy levels, who calls in sick too quickly. In this world, it doesn’t seem to be about wellbeing. Yet I don’t really get why I know I should not feel guilty, I still do.
I seem to always have to be able to operate. And a moment like the train accident just makes me think: is it really worth it? Is it so bad to have to stop for a moment?
Sometimes the world stops for someone, and yet it just continues like nothing happens around. I don’t get where my head goes, and maybe the story doesn’t make sense.
or maybe just once,
all the colors of the world dissapear,
and you sink in to the deep
where there is no light
You sit on the bottom of the cave
and can’t fall deeper,
but can’t climb – you’re completely stuck
I don’t know what is worse,
but all I know is
that even if you’re on the bottom of the cave
and when the sun goes down
it does come up again
even if you can not bear the light.
Honestly, I guess I have to admit I don’t have much ‘life’. It’s one of these days again that everything is empty and life seems an endless torture to me. I’m sad, empty and angry at the same time, and yet nothing at all.
Life is just not for everyone. To have a house, to lead a peaceful life, that’s just not for everyone. Like a pebblestone that needs water to bounce, I’m like a pebblestone that ended up in the desert. You just fall, and sink away in the sand: that’s me.
Somehow it’s a rough time again. Family issues, and the more I think about it, the more sick I feel. Emotional traps, nasty games, and even if I’m not super close, it affects me more then I would like to admit. And I feel so sorry for my parents, who are hugely affected by it. When I was younger I was angry at them so many times. And now I understand it better. Some things you just don’t see when you’re young. That they were trapped and part of an unfair, nasty game. I feel sorry for them that their lives are so destroyed and affected. It’s bad to say, but I hope they will be finally free when the person who does that and who is left, dies. That’s terrible to say I realize and know. Yet I’m afraid I think it would really be that way, though they will not ever be free from it: some damage is done forever.
Work was also pretty shitty, it gets worse. I can’t even find the words for it to describe what is going on. But I feel tension going up and up, I feel more pressure and I feel like I’m falling apart. I doubt about things I should not doubt, and I think I do my work less good.
I drag myself at home. I wait for the train, stare in the emptiness of the station, even when it’s full of people. I sit on the train, feeling braindead. I drag myself home; trying to slalom between cars and bikes and walking people who all seem to be in such a hurry and seem to rule the world, where’s there no space for empty people like me.
I hide myself in bed and when the night falls, I go out to the grocery store. Immediatly when you walk in, the neon signs and advertisements jump into your sights. I get superannoyed by that lately; it’s too much. With a task that’s not so difficult; get your groceries together but feels like running a survivalrun, I dissapear into the night again, trying to avoid every other living human being and try to get home as soon as I can, to crawl away in my cave again. I don’t want to face anyone or anything anymore, I just want to be left alone, and yet my heart aches so badly that I don’t know what to do about it. I feel awful, I’m not hungry and I don’t pick up my phone when someone calls.
All I am, is the pebblestone in the desert.