Another part of struggling.

Today I feel incredibly sad, without even knowing exactly why. I feel so much emptiness, I feel like I have rarely been so hollow inside, I’m a zombie and my heart is a deep black hole full of hurt.

At work, since I’ve started again, I mostly sit alone, seperated from my colleagues. I can’t bring myself to sit with anyone. They are nice, but being close to them seems to difficult to me. So I just hide alone in a corner of the office.

I know I am the only one who can change this.

Today I had to go to my manager for a talk. Like how things are going and stuff. I really did not look forward to it, I don’t feel like talking to anyone. But I could not really not go.

It was not such a nice talk. I said honestly that I don’t know how I am, that I just try to do my work and that’s it – nothing else. I said that I am unhappy, that I don’t feel good here. She said something back like that it’s also in my range to change things – I know, I seperate myself from the rest, I appearantly decide to hide from everyone. I just can’t do things differently.

I think I must have looked superdepressed. Which is actually how I felt at the moment.

She asked questions, about future plans, about if I’m trying to find another job. I said I don’t know. I am looking, but not doing anything. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how my life is in 2 months. I just feel lost. I don’t feel like I can really do anything. I’m not something very specific. It would have been easier maybe when I would be a painter or something specific, but I’m just a something together from some random stuff.

I said I find life difficult. That I don’t see it. How to work hard and not achieve anything, no stability and stuff. That it doesn’t work out, for me.

I came home feeling supersad. I tried to sleep, without succes. Outside the sun shines, but inside of me it just feels like one big battlefield where a war was and left a big darkness.

Yeah, I know it will pass. I know it’s probably just a bad day. It just feels so awful. And I realize I do this myself to, with hiding, with withdrawing, with being in this isolation.

But I just don’t have the energy. I just can not do otherwise right now.

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The interview from last post did not lead to a different job. That was really okay actually, because I was not sure if this would be a better job for me.

I’m really struggling at work. And with life.

Work is really so not nice. It takes so much energy to pass just 3 hours a day at the moment. This was the first week of 3 hours a day. And I’m not even really doing something. How am I going to make it to the end of July? I tried to get holidays in July because I still have hours, but the question is if there is space to give me off. Blah.

I am not sure if I want another job.

I am not sure where I want to go, or what I want to do.

I don’t know what is wise to decide; stay called in sick or call in better for a while and get unemployment pay, but lots of other things I have to do. Or quit everything myself and just go and not have any money.

Sometimes I feel a bit angry and I hate money and all this pressure and these rules.

It doesn’t matter how hard you work, at least not in my case, because where did it lead me? Nowhere. I can’t even be safe moneywise or house-wise.What’s the point? Really.

All I can think of now, is that I would like to be somewhere with a tent on a piece of grass, with a view on water and trees, blue skies and some sun, and not worry about anything. That is what I want. And I want it to last. Not just for 4 days.

And that was the doctor..

Today I had an appointment with this doctor that is hired by the job agency. He’s the only one who is allowed to give advice. I found him a bit quick somehow, like I expected to tell more in detail what caused all of this, but he seemed only interested in the essentials/basics. This part made me a bit unhappy. But he found it ‘legitimate’ that I called in sick. So that is the good part , I guess. But I found it pretty superficially – the whole thing. I was not sure what to expect but I thought it would go a bit ‘deeper’. Causes, real examples, stuff like that.  Maybe a wrong expectation.

He said he thinks it’s being overworked, and he wants me to start working again slowly. But that I can’t do anything stressful and I need structure. He will put that in his advice. And I kind of have to follow that. Starting with two hours a day and slowly building up. I have to go see him in six weeks. If things do not go better or did not change, he will refer me to some special psychologists that are also hired by my employer. Tomorrow I will call the ‘sickservice’ to see with them how we do this.

I don’t know if I’m happy or not. I’m afraid nothing will change at work anyway. I don’t see how this can get better, but maybe that is my depressed view at things.

I feel depressed today. Like, really depressed. I just hope tomorrow is better.

 

The trainaccident.

Like usual after work, I take the train home. Yesterday I was happy to be off a bit earlier since I didn’t feel so great, and I took the train home. Yet this trainride, which usually takes 20 minutes, took 2,5 hours almost.

I was in a train that hit a person. The person did not survive. I don’t know if it was suicide or an accident, but I know the railwaycrossing is a ‘closed’ one; with those bars. And they were down.

Suddenly the train started to brake – but against these things I guess you can’t stop in time. There was a hit, and a lot of other sounds. It was obvious we hit something; and
I saw things flying from under the train. Things like a black small wheel, a brown big thing which looked like some kind of pillow, lots of stones (from the railwaytrack), other iron bars and some more little parts (which were maybe parts of a human body- I’m not sure it went all so fast).

The train stopped. Moments of silence. The traindriver giving the message, with a trembled voice: we just hit a person. We’re going to see if we can give first aid.

But first aid with a hit like that, I guess the chance of survival isn’t much. All I could think of is that whoever was under the train, had no chance of survival. And that I later learned, was the truth.

After standing on the railway in the middle of nowhere for a long time, with a lot of firemen, police and other people who ‘clean it up’, we were escorted out of the train to a bus that came to pick us up. We had to walk along the track into the direction of the actual hit. I didn’t want to look- I didn’t want to see anything more than I already saw. I guess I was afraid to see things, I mean, it was still a real person, and his or her life just ended in one or two seconds, and I was a witness of that. I heard, I felt, and I know. That’s such a strange thing to know. Boom, a life away in a flash. Just gone, poof, just like that.

I feel sorry. Sorry for that person. Sorry for the relatives, friends, beloved ones. Sorry for the traindriver, who saw way more then I did. Sorry for the people who saw it.

It’s maybe cruel to say, but I did wonder before how it’s like when things like this happen. I never really wanted to found out, these are not the things you would like to witness.But now I know anyway. The way it goes, the sounds, the feelings. The sensations. I had cold chills on my back while walking to the bus.

I stayed home from work today, I called in sick. I just said I couldn’t work, that I was sick.

It’s true that I was sick yesterday evening and during the night, now I’m not really sick sick and I slept, the whole thing didn’t keep me from sleeping. I don’t seem to feel particularly bad or something. But I was just not capable of going to work this morning.

Now I feel guilty I stayed at home. I’m able to work – but, also knowing that I would have a difficult day and I might have come back sick today if I would have gone.
Now I took care of myself right before getting real sick; but it makes me feel guilty. And I know how that doesn’t make sense. I feel weak, like I’m a person with a weak immune system, with lower energy levels, who calls in sick too quickly. In this world, it doesn’t seem to be about wellbeing. Yet I don’t really get why I know I should not feel guilty, I still do.

I seem to always have to be able to operate. And a moment like the train accident just makes me think: is it really worth it? Is it so bad to have to stop for a moment?

Sometimes the world stops for someone, and yet it just continues like nothing happens around. I don’t get where my head goes, and maybe the story doesn’t make sense.

 

Living what life?

Imagine. But it’s a truth.

I have a day job.A changing amount of hours every week. Nothing steady, nothing fancy.   Permanent contracts out of the question . It’s not the question if you have to leave or not:  the question is when.

It’s not a special job: everyone could do it I guess, there is no special degree needed for it, though when they make selections, they kind of pretend it that way.

Despite that the colleagues are nice, I guess the job is not making me happy at all. I keep telling myself that it could be worse, and seriously, this is not the worst job I had. In fact it’s the best, as you speak in friendliness and payment. But that, is not everything.

And however I make enough to support myself, it will not, or never,  make me rich. It will not help me to buy a house or something. It will just help me to pay the bills, and lead a moderate life in terms of – yeah, in terms of what exactly?

Work became something I don’t look forward to anymore. It became dull, unrewarding, and the days become longer, though in minutes they didn’t expand at all. I feel like a robot, a part of a system that isn’t really a good one, but, that’s something you should’t care or question about; it just makes things more complicated for yourself.

there are a lot of indications that this isn’t the job that makes me happy.It gets harder in time. I get headaches, I’m tired, and I care less, I lost my motivation. I try to do things right, but it’s never right anyway and hard working doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s not even notices. Maybe I would really like to find a job in my field of interest, but I don’t really know what my field of interest is. Often people say that is bullshit, but I’m really not sure myself.

As well I always feel like I’m not qualified enough or there is too much asked in a profile which I’m not. Also this game of who’s the best candidate, and all this fancy stuff, isn’t my thing. Sometimes I wonder about going back to study, but it’s unsure how I could afford that or support myself. And if I could make it, with my mental struggles. I guess I have motivation issues. It’s not that I don’t want, I’m not sure exactly what it is. It just makes things complicated. I also wonder if the degree or certificate would help anyway- I don’t think so). It would be just lost money. But what am I working towards to? To keep working like this and supporting myself to rent a house and buy food and keep that going for 20 or 30 years?
I passed the point where all the questions and thoughts keep me from sleeping. It became normal part of my life. Where simply a year ago these things would keep me up , they became a part of me – they don’t keep me from sleeping, but just continue during my sleep.

I wish I could explain how I feel. But the truth is: I’m not sure myself.

All I know is that I struggle to find my words, to find my feelings, to find the change.

All I know is that what you are reading, are just words to you, but it’s blood of my soul.

And all the words that I can’t find, are frustrating me that I can’t get them out.

That I can’t find the step to change. That I can’t do things different.

that I don’t know what I feel. That I dont know what i want.

That I just can’t make things better for myself.

What am I living?

Feeling guilty

I had to call in sick again, because I don’t feel well. I guess I went back to work too quickly, going immediatly back when I started to feel better, but not well yet.

I’m not sick sick, like in superbad sick, but I’m not well enough either to work. After a few hours I get a nasty headache and I don’t feel good, with the result of nothing coming out of me anymore. Somehow I need to sleep or rest after a few hours.

I can’t really help it, but  I feel guilty when I call in sick. I know it doesn’t make sense, because everyone (or most) are sick from time to time. But still, this feeling I can’t get rid of. It also doesnt help that these employer services call you with questions like ‘when do you expect to get to work again’ and immediatly bombing you with the procedures.

Seriously, sometimes people are just sick, they dont know when it’s going to be better and what is exactly is, but can you just be sick without being bombed by these procedures? What is that good for? It makes me feel more pushed, almost stressed and not allowed to be sick. Why the heck have we invented this, and why ?

If I think about it, and look around me, all that seems to matter is money and efficiency. That just makes my head spin. Where is life, the wellbeing, the person, the helping each other and have a nice life and basic things you need that everyone should have?

Instead, the world doesn’t work like that. And I don’t get it. Why? Why did it become this way? I can’t stand the idea of people working in poor circumstances, never being able to just live a bit comfortable and send their kids to school just because some multinational wants to make the most profit by buying their stuff cheap and a lot of people only seem to care about the price of something, expressed in the money they pay for it.

The pressure that some work places put on their people. The people who earn tons and have three houses. What the heck? The time employees get to sew a skirt, or to handle a phonecall, or to bake a bread. Seriously? Timed from second to second. Limited time for personal care (hey, if you have to pee, you have to pee right?). Gosh. The more I think about it, the more sick I get. What the heck is this world?

And the worst thing is that I’m being part of it too. I have cheap things too, or clothes or other products that are made by people in bad circumstances. I try to take care of this and buy fair trade or ecological stuff and such, but is that really what it says? And not everything I have is like that. So I’m guilty as hell too.

On top of that, I feel the pressure of social media, smartphones and stuff, being available all the time, and people expect you to reply in a minute. Seriously, where does this go? I manage so far without a smartphone and without too much social media, but still, I feel this kind of pressure. And the pressure of paying bills, that I don’t know why, but when I had a lower salary seemed to be really less. Now I earn more than the minimum wage, bills seem to find my way, taxes for this, taxes for that, I don’t know where they all come from, but all these insurances and taxes and all other kind of things you’re obligued to pay……..

 

breathe. Just breathe. That is all I should do now.

So yeah, I feel like crap.

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I guess I knew it was kind of ‘coming’, but somehow I seemed to think it would pass without anything special. I always had these periods of emptiness, of feeling useless and crap, feeling awful because of this emptiness and nothingness. I guess this is the depression. It has been away for quite some time. Well it never really is but it seemed not so bad. But I feel tired, exhausted, and empty. Especially this emptiness is terrible.

At work, I arranged something. Last week I went to a talk about mental stuff at work, and I got to know two of my direct colleagues were there too. They had issues too, they spoke, but I kept silent. I didn’t reveal what is the dark side in me. No one really knows, and I would like to keep it that way I think.

But with several things at work (that don’t work so well) my frustration and feeling not well is growing. I had , and have, trouble to make full days at work. So I grabbed my guts together and went to the manager. Well his replacement – officially I have another manager, but  he’s on holiday and I don’t feel comfortable because he does never really act. This woman manager does.

I don’t think I had a very coherent story and I remained pretty abstract, I said something like I was not so happy anymore at work lately, I had trouble to get through the day and a little about this depression. Boom. There is was out.

I didn’t have a long talk, and I remember her saying she is not familiar with depression, but she arranged shorter working days for me for the upcoming time. Which seems to give me space. Or I hope it will, to get myself together again.

But she wants to have regular contact. Like know if this helps. Like in next week. That was some kind of pressure too, because depression doesn’t lift in one week, does it? So I am not sure how she sees this.

I guess this is a good thing, but I’m not sure about my position at work. It’s already under pressure, maybe I should not care, but I don’t hope this makes things worse.

While I was walking on the street from the grocery store tonight, I felt like a zombie. I just stare empty into this world, and everything seems empty. I don’t get exactly why emptiness is so awful. I crawled away on the couch, and somehow I managed to put chicken in the oven for dinner. I’m really trying to keep myself together, but sometimes, that is difficult.

Yesterday I saw this video, and somehow I relate to it. I don’t like the music too much, but the rest spoke to me.

I don’t know if it makes any sense to post it here, but I’ll just post it.