The trainaccident.

Like usual after work, I take the train home. Yesterday I was happy to be off a bit earlier since I didn’t feel so great, and I took the train home. Yet this trainride, which usually takes 20 minutes, took 2,5 hours almost.

I was in a train that hit a person. The person did not survive. I don’t know if it was suicide or an accident, but I know the railwaycrossing is a ‘closed’ one; with those bars. And they were down.

Suddenly the train started to brake – but against these things I guess you can’t stop in time. There was a hit, and a lot of other sounds. It was obvious we hit something; and
I saw things flying from under the train. Things like a black small wheel, a brown big thing which looked like some kind of pillow, lots of stones (from the railwaytrack), other iron bars and some more little parts (which were maybe parts of a human body- I’m not sure it went all so fast).

The train stopped. Moments of silence. The traindriver giving the message, with a trembled voice: we just hit a person. We’re going to see if we can give first aid.

But first aid with a hit like that, I guess the chance of survival isn’t much. All I could think of is that whoever was under the train, had no chance of survival. And that I later learned, was the truth.

After standing on the railway in the middle of nowhere for a long time, with a lot of firemen, police and other people who ‘clean it up’, we were escorted out of the train to a bus that came to pick us up. We had to walk along the track into the direction of the actual hit. I didn’t want to look- I didn’t want to see anything more than I already saw. I guess I was afraid to see things, I mean, it was still a real person, and his or her life just ended in one or two seconds, and I was a witness of that. I heard, I felt, and I know. That’s such a strange thing to know. Boom, a life away in a flash. Just gone, poof, just like that.

I feel sorry. Sorry for that person. Sorry for the relatives, friends, beloved ones. Sorry for the traindriver, who saw way more then I did. Sorry for the people who saw it.

It’s maybe cruel to say, but I did wonder before how it’s like when things like this happen. I never really wanted to found out, these are not the things you would like to witness.But now I know anyway. The way it goes, the sounds, the feelings. The sensations. I had cold chills on my back while walking to the bus.

I stayed home from work today, I called in sick. I just said I couldn’t work, that I was sick.

It’s true that I was sick yesterday evening and during the night, now I’m not really sick sick and I slept, the whole thing didn’t keep me from sleeping. I don’t seem to feel particularly bad or something. But I was just not capable of going to work this morning.

Now I feel guilty I stayed at home. I’m able to work – but, also knowing that I would have a difficult day and I might have come back sick today if I would have gone.
Now I took care of myself right before getting real sick; but it makes me feel guilty. And I know how that doesn’t make sense. I feel weak, like I’m a person with a weak immune system, with lower energy levels, who calls in sick too quickly. In this world, it doesn’t seem to be about wellbeing. Yet I don’t really get why I know I should not feel guilty, I still do.

I seem to always have to be able to operate. And a moment like the train accident just makes me think: is it really worth it? Is it so bad to have to stop for a moment?

Sometimes the world stops for someone, and yet it just continues like nothing happens around. I don’t get where my head goes, and maybe the story doesn’t make sense.

 

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Living what life?

Imagine. But it’s a truth.

I have a day job.A changing amount of hours every week. Nothing steady, nothing fancy.   Permanent contracts out of the question . It’s not the question if you have to leave or not:  the question is when.

It’s not a special job: everyone could do it I guess, there is no special degree needed for it, though when they make selections, they kind of pretend it that way.

Despite that the colleagues are nice, I guess the job is not making me happy at all. I keep telling myself that it could be worse, and seriously, this is not the worst job I had. In fact it’s the best, as you speak in friendliness and payment. But that, is not everything.

And however I make enough to support myself, it will not, or never,  make me rich. It will not help me to buy a house or something. It will just help me to pay the bills, and lead a moderate life in terms of – yeah, in terms of what exactly?

Work became something I don’t look forward to anymore. It became dull, unrewarding, and the days become longer, though in minutes they didn’t expand at all. I feel like a robot, a part of a system that isn’t really a good one, but, that’s something you should’t care or question about; it just makes things more complicated for yourself.

there are a lot of indications that this isn’t the job that makes me happy.It gets harder in time. I get headaches, I’m tired, and I care less, I lost my motivation. I try to do things right, but it’s never right anyway and hard working doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s not even notices. Maybe I would really like to find a job in my field of interest, but I don’t really know what my field of interest is. Often people say that is bullshit, but I’m really not sure myself.

As well I always feel like I’m not qualified enough or there is too much asked in a profile which I’m not. Also this game of who’s the best candidate, and all this fancy stuff, isn’t my thing. Sometimes I wonder about going back to study, but it’s unsure how I could afford that or support myself. And if I could make it, with my mental struggles. I guess I have motivation issues. It’s not that I don’t want, I’m not sure exactly what it is. It just makes things complicated. I also wonder if the degree or certificate would help anyway- I don’t think so). It would be just lost money. But what am I working towards to? To keep working like this and supporting myself to rent a house and buy food and keep that going for 20 or 30 years?
I passed the point where all the questions and thoughts keep me from sleeping. It became normal part of my life. Where simply a year ago these things would keep me up , they became a part of me – they don’t keep me from sleeping, but just continue during my sleep.

I wish I could explain how I feel. But the truth is: I’m not sure myself.

All I know is that I struggle to find my words, to find my feelings, to find the change.

All I know is that what you are reading, are just words to you, but it’s blood of my soul.

And all the words that I can’t find, are frustrating me that I can’t get them out.

That I can’t find the step to change. That I can’t do things different.

that I don’t know what I feel. That I dont know what i want.

That I just can’t make things better for myself.

What am I living?

Feeling guilty

I had to call in sick again, because I don’t feel well. I guess I went back to work too quickly, going immediatly back when I started to feel better, but not well yet.

I’m not sick sick, like in superbad sick, but I’m not well enough either to work. After a few hours I get a nasty headache and I don’t feel good, with the result of nothing coming out of me anymore. Somehow I need to sleep or rest after a few hours.

I can’t really help it, but  I feel guilty when I call in sick. I know it doesn’t make sense, because everyone (or most) are sick from time to time. But still, this feeling I can’t get rid of. It also doesnt help that these employer services call you with questions like ‘when do you expect to get to work again’ and immediatly bombing you with the procedures.

Seriously, sometimes people are just sick, they dont know when it’s going to be better and what is exactly is, but can you just be sick without being bombed by these procedures? What is that good for? It makes me feel more pushed, almost stressed and not allowed to be sick. Why the heck have we invented this, and why ?

If I think about it, and look around me, all that seems to matter is money and efficiency. That just makes my head spin. Where is life, the wellbeing, the person, the helping each other and have a nice life and basic things you need that everyone should have?

Instead, the world doesn’t work like that. And I don’t get it. Why? Why did it become this way? I can’t stand the idea of people working in poor circumstances, never being able to just live a bit comfortable and send their kids to school just because some multinational wants to make the most profit by buying their stuff cheap and a lot of people only seem to care about the price of something, expressed in the money they pay for it.

The pressure that some work places put on their people. The people who earn tons and have three houses. What the heck? The time employees get to sew a skirt, or to handle a phonecall, or to bake a bread. Seriously? Timed from second to second. Limited time for personal care (hey, if you have to pee, you have to pee right?). Gosh. The more I think about it, the more sick I get. What the heck is this world?

And the worst thing is that I’m being part of it too. I have cheap things too, or clothes or other products that are made by people in bad circumstances. I try to take care of this and buy fair trade or ecological stuff and such, but is that really what it says? And not everything I have is like that. So I’m guilty as hell too.

On top of that, I feel the pressure of social media, smartphones and stuff, being available all the time, and people expect you to reply in a minute. Seriously, where does this go? I manage so far without a smartphone and without too much social media, but still, I feel this kind of pressure. And the pressure of paying bills, that I don’t know why, but when I had a lower salary seemed to be really less. Now I earn more than the minimum wage, bills seem to find my way, taxes for this, taxes for that, I don’t know where they all come from, but all these insurances and taxes and all other kind of things you’re obligued to pay……..

 

breathe. Just breathe. That is all I should do now.

So yeah, I feel like crap.

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I guess I knew it was kind of ‘coming’, but somehow I seemed to think it would pass without anything special. I always had these periods of emptiness, of feeling useless and crap, feeling awful because of this emptiness and nothingness. I guess this is the depression. It has been away for quite some time. Well it never really is but it seemed not so bad. But I feel tired, exhausted, and empty. Especially this emptiness is terrible.

At work, I arranged something. Last week I went to a talk about mental stuff at work, and I got to know two of my direct colleagues were there too. They had issues too, they spoke, but I kept silent. I didn’t reveal what is the dark side in me. No one really knows, and I would like to keep it that way I think.

But with several things at work (that don’t work so well) my frustration and feeling not well is growing. I had , and have, trouble to make full days at work. So I grabbed my guts together and went to the manager. Well his replacement – officially I have another manager, but  he’s on holiday and I don’t feel comfortable because he does never really act. This woman manager does.

I don’t think I had a very coherent story and I remained pretty abstract, I said something like I was not so happy anymore at work lately, I had trouble to get through the day and a little about this depression. Boom. There is was out.

I didn’t have a long talk, and I remember her saying she is not familiar with depression, but she arranged shorter working days for me for the upcoming time. Which seems to give me space. Or I hope it will, to get myself together again.

But she wants to have regular contact. Like know if this helps. Like in next week. That was some kind of pressure too, because depression doesn’t lift in one week, does it? So I am not sure how she sees this.

I guess this is a good thing, but I’m not sure about my position at work. It’s already under pressure, maybe I should not care, but I don’t hope this makes things worse.

While I was walking on the street from the grocery store tonight, I felt like a zombie. I just stare empty into this world, and everything seems empty. I don’t get exactly why emptiness is so awful. I crawled away on the couch, and somehow I managed to put chicken in the oven for dinner. I’m really trying to keep myself together, but sometimes, that is difficult.

Yesterday I saw this video, and somehow I relate to it. I don’t like the music too much, but the rest spoke to me.

I don’t know if it makes any sense to post it here, but I’ll just post it.

 

sadness wins, sometimes

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I walk, because I need to get better, because I need to get fit. Because I need to take care of myself.But I walk and instead of feeling better, I feel sadness, and apathy. I feel scared, anxiety, and nasty thoughts.
What if I’m sick and I’m going to die? What if I never get rid of this freaking dysthymia? What if I can’t live a normal life and can’t hold on to my job? So many what if’s, but I know it doesn’t matter and I don’t have answers and I shouldn’t ask myself these questions. I don’t even know why I ask these questions. But they are in my head.

The sun shines, but my feelings are numb.It’s beautiful, the sun, the nature, the emptiness of the landscape. That I try to take care of myself. But I don’t feel it. All I want is to crawl away and feel sad, because I am. I want to be with my love, to feel safe and welcome.

But my love is far, and I’m stuck in this crazy sadness and hell of a pressure at work. I’m stuck in this life of nothingness. No, I’m not stuck forever, but I’m stuck now, and I feel this intense sadness, that makes me doubt about everything and makes me scared of so much things.

I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to feel this way.

And yet, it’s all that happens.

Living a life?

The last few weeks, have well…..just been weeks. Where days go by, and days go by.

I don’t really feel like I’m living a life. Most of the things are empty, meaningless, things that ‘have to be done’. But all disconnected from feelings. Things and feelings without a soul.

In most ways, everything has been chaotic. Work has been unstable, due to problems with planning department, extreme busy to nothing to do, to the sounds of the firing people issue. If everything goes according the planning, things will be more clear next week of who’s going to be fired and who not. (Not that I believe that – there are contradicting messages all the time and I don’t know what or who to believe – I guess I ‘ll just wait untill it really happens, because if I don’t its all lost energy of worrying and questioning). I don’t get it why they are so unclear and make so much fuss about it, all this causes is restless people.

Things at home have been difficult.

Sometimes I’m sad I still ‘live at my parents, because sometimes, like now, I dream of my own place. But it’s simple: I can’t really afford it. The risks are too high. Rents are too high. Even with my salary that is above minimum wage. BUT, since my work position and my income is unstable: I never have hour guarantees. Next week it dropped,  I have 16 hours. Thank you cutbacks. If my work drops like that, I wouldn’t be able to pay the rent or other bills.

Now, my sister is back again. I can’t help it, but everything changes when she’s here, certain things annoy me. I’m really okay with having someone over,  but somehow things with her always go the same and they annoy me. Which I find difficult to admit, or somehow I’m ashamed by it, because she’s my sister. She’s fighting hard for a place in the world too.

But somehow, she takes a lot of energy, she’s a very present person, makes a lot of noise. She is also very direct and strong, especially verbally. She also doesn’t have any money, and does whatever fits her. She doesn’t really think about others. Last week, I couldn’t sleep in the evening because i heard her watching movies late at night, and early in the morning I woke because she was jumping and exercising in her room, waking me up. She eats food without thinking someone maybe has to go to work or maybe someone planned something with that. She doesn’t really ask, she just takes and eats it in her room. Doesn’t really eat together or plan to cook for everyone, just for her, whenever she wants to.

I don’t know why it’s so annoying to me – she needs to eat too and do her things.  But the way she behaves, without ever showing something back, is maybe what annoys me te most. Or that I always have to ask or say, that she never sees it herself. For me it’s so logical to realize there are others too and they have needs, but for her, she doesn’t seem to think about it and does whatever comes to her mind without thinking of the others. Is that my failure?

For example, I bought a special chocolate, also for my parents/for everyone. But what happens? She takes the bar,stores in in her room, and  eats it all. To me that is selfish and rude. I can’t understand that. She will not buy a new one. She always asks about this and that, but never goes buy something herself.  There are more ‘little’ things like that, but I’m too tired of it to type them out. I am too tired. And if I say something about it, my mom gets mad too. Whatever. I don’t want to fight about it, but sometimes it’s really pissing me off, like last week, when she ate all the bread and didn’t put a new bread out of the freezer, so I ended up going to work with no bread. No big deal if it happens once, but there’s too much all the time with her, I really can not ‘take it in’ anymore. seems like my limits crossed and since that they’re always crossed. I wish I could stop this, or that it would not annoy me.

It seems that she kind of agreed with my mom that the upcoming time she will stay here and eat here without paying anything. Without paying is fine, but just ……….blegh. It’s fine, and it’s not. But maybe it’s me.

My (last living) grandma, who lives close, isn’t so well lately. The mixed feelings I have make it difficult. things that happened in the past, and that she is so dependent in certain ways. If my mom wouldn’t be here, we wouldn’t be in touch ( in my moms culture family is very important). My dad would never have seen his parents again. They didn’t treat my mom and dad so well in the past, and they did things that are not so cool. Now my mom is the one who arranges everything that is needed, and she seems very dependent on my mom, who already has enough to do, and, lost her own mom earlier this year. I do things or try to do things too for her, because I don’t want my mom to do everything. My grandma’s own daughter ( my aunt – i never see) doesn’t. My dad, doesnt. I can’t explain it any better right now, but I’m sick of the whole situation. The conflicts I have with myself – what is right, if things aren’t right.

It isn’t right, but not doing anything doesn’t feel right neither.

It makes me sad. It never changes. It never does, and I can’t do or say anything about it.

It’s a trap, where you can’t get out. Where I can’t get out. I don’t know what are the right things to do. I am doubting myself. Am I wrong? Am I having wrong views of the world, of how things should be? I have no right to speak, because I still live at home, I can’t be completely indepentent, I guess. I feel bad about myself too, that I’m mixed up in these conflicts, and I can’t decide and make up my mind.

I’m fine, and I’m not.

Work, no work, hiring, firing….what?

Work has been chaotic the last few weeks. I don’t know what to think about it.

A few people left and a few leave soon, because their contracts end it’s time for them now to get a steady contract, thanks to the awesome government and laws, but of course that is not going to happen, so they have to leave). Bye experience. Bye knowledge. (It’s not only sad for them; me and my colleagues have no one to ask things if we don’t know).This is also not good for our clients. But yeah, who seems to care ?

I learned that they just hired 15 people for the next 2 or 3 months. There was also an e-mail last week, saying that there was less money and they will have to fire people because of they have to work more efficient and there is less money.

Sorry, what? What the heck is this, they just hire people , there are people leaving and they are talking about firing people? Why do they hire people then? What do I have to think about this? What do they expect from me? What do they want from me?

Working less than fulltime was almost impossible, OR you had to had a very good reason (like having a child or something – which I don’t have). But what’s the point about working fulltime or only wanting people to come fulltime if the budget is cut and things have to become more efficient and firing people? Is it so difficult to give people less hours? Would that not be better and taking care a bit of the budget? I wouldn’t mind working 4 days a week………I wouldn’t even mind to have an unpaid leave for 2 months, to go traveling. If I know I can continue with the job after, I really would cooperate. But why aren’t they looking at things like that? Why do things always have to be so rigorous?

More and more things are to be measured in time, efficiency, more and more rules which make doing your work more difficult.

It’s annoying me a lot, it really frustrates me, I feel like I can’t do my job well, I feel incompetent. I feel pressure, and I don’t know what they want from me.

Maybe it’s time to search for another job (which won’t be easy, and probably not much better circumstances neither). That makes me a bit sad; I like(d?) my job, I like my colleagues, I like(d) the subjects, the atmosphere.

 

But maybe I just liked it, and I don’t like my “new” kind of job…